And I'm back again! Woo!
Alex: So…therapy now?
Alex we've been through this. You have issues and therapy is your best option.
Alex: Actually I was referring to you. Seriously lady I think you need help.
Me!? What the hell? Why would I need help?
Alex: Are you kidding? Seriously lady read some of your stories and tell me you don't have issues. They all involve you personally torturing a whole bunch of people yet I'm the one with issues.
Okay…but…well…shhhhh! I own nothing!
Flipping the card in my hands I sigh before shoving it deep into my pocket and standing once more. I've paced the length of the waiting room three times in the fifteen minutes that I've been waiting and as I make for the fourth run my mind turns back over the last few weeks. Ever since that night Mark suggested I talk to someone I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've never ever considered seeing a therapist before but the more I think about it the fewer reasons I find to say no.
Firstly there's George. Yeah that's right. Despite everything something in me is still calling out to him, still wanting to be with him but I can't. Don't get me wrong I'm more angry at him than I can begin to think about. I thought he knew me better I really did. Every time I look at him I'm angry, depressed and hurt all over again and I'm tired of it. Tired of feeling like this all the time, tired of suffering like this. There are only really three choices:
Run away. That's not happening. I've worked too damn hard to get where I am now and no way in hell am I going to take off because of some guy. No matter how damn hot he may be I don't care enough to do that. I'll never care enough about someone to ruin everything I've worked so hard for. Not even George.
Option number two is to forgive him, him and Meredith I guess, and just let bygones be bygones. I'm too damn angry for that. I thought I could trust them, both of them, with anything – everything! Hell I've told Mer things I've never told anyone and George…well…George is George. He's kind, clumsy and goes out of his way for people. I didn't think he'd be capable of hurting me the way that he has. Not him. Forgiving them isn't an option at least not right now.
That leaves me with the option of not forgiving them and putting away whatever feelings I may still have for him. That…
That's not an option either.
And of course if all of that isn't enough then I've also got Izzie to think about. I don't care what anyone says that girl is dangerous. There's something about her that just makes my hair stand on end and makes me look over my shoulder. I don't know why but…something about her…
Between all of that and Mark making me drag up my childhood I've got so much on my mind right now that I can barely make sense of everything.
Telling Mark about my childhood was the biggest relief I've felt in years. I didn't realise how much of that was weighing me down until I finally got it off of my chest.
That's the reason why I finally decided to do this.
That's what finally swung my decision to call the number on the card I picked up last year.
Maybe it's time, maybe…
"Alex? Would you like to come in?" Dr Caster gestures through the open door way and for a moment my eyes wander over to the other side of the room to the exit.
Time to make a choice.
"Yeah sure." Stepping into the room I let out a breath of relief I hadn't been aware I was holding and the tension slips out of my shoulders a little. Well that's the first obstacle passed.
"Make yourself at home." She points towards the chair on the far side of the room and closes the door. "Would you like something to drink?"
"No. No I'm good." For a couple of minutes I think about heading back out of the door but instead I swallow down my fear and take a seat.
"Okay before we get started I just want you to know a couple of things. First you're free to leave at any time, I'm not going to force you to stay if you decide you don't want to be here. Of course I hope you choose to hang around. Secondly if I ask any questions you're not ready to answer then just tell me and we'll put a pin in it. I want you to feel comfortable. Now I've had a good look at the new client questionnaire you filled in before our session." Oh boy wasn't that fun to fill in. That stupid form sat on the table for two days before I finally plucked up the courage to put a pen to it. "This is your first time in therapy, yes?"
"Yeah I've uh…never done this before." Never done it, never considered it and never even thought about it.
"What made you decide to start now?" Loaded question. What can I say? George, Meredith, my crappy childhood, Izzie…in the end I settle for the most truthful statement I can make.
"Mark." Seeing the unasked question I elaborate. "He's a friend. We were talking and he asked me whether or not I'd considered seeing anyone. Started to wonder whether he had a point."
"You and Mark are close?" My eyes drift to the side of the room where various diplomas are published on the wall. For a moment I let myself get lost in reading them before answering her question.
"We weren't. Not really but…" Trailing off I'm lost for a moment. When the hell did Sloan and I become friends? I guess… "I guess it happened when I got sick."
"Sick?" Oh yeah wasn't that fun.
"Yeah I got scarlet fever recently. Passed out at work, Mark found me and helped. Couldn't get rid of him after I got better and we just kind of clicked." And I'm glad we did. Honestly I'm really glad.
"What other than Mark brought you here?" Everything. Seriously how do you explain that just when everything finally felt like it was going right things took a nosedive.
"I'm not really sure where to start there. I mean that's not an easy question to answer." Nodding her head she takes a sip of her water before speaking.
"Start wherever you want. Pick out one thing that's on your mind and just talk. Seriously one thing, whatever it is, just tell me and talk." Everything in my mind goes haywire at that and a jumble of thoughts come racing at me all at once. For a few minutes I say nothing before one thought pushes it's way ahead of everything else. One thought just begs to be released.
"There…there was this girl." Swallowing against the sudden lump in my throat I force myself to continue. "I was outside the hospital where I work and this girl just stepped out into the road right into the path of this car. I tried but I couldn't save her. She was just this tiny little girl who got separated from her mom and then all of a sudden she was under the wheels of a car and dead. I couldn't save her."
I'm done. I am seriously done.
I'm done with my life being a mess.
Alex doesn't want anything to do with me and I can't blame him after the way I've treated him.
I've let Izzie cloud my judgement for too long. I've been blinded and blinkered.
I'm not letting things fall apart anymore.
First things first I'm moving back into Merediths for a while. I hate to leave Alex but right now staying in that apartment with him isn't an option. He doesn't want to be around me and being in close quarters at the hospital and at home isn't going to help. I need to let things settle down for a while if I want to be able to fix this. He'd looked kind of relieved when I told him I was moving out for a while. That hurt but I get it. He needs space and so do I really. I've got a lot to think about.
Secondly I'm not letting Izzie interfere anymore. I don't get how I didn't see this before it all seems so obvious now. Alex doesn't want her. He may have had feelings for her for a while but that's long gone now. Her feelings however are still there. Don't get me wrong she's not looking to get back with him but she's not willing to let him move on either. It's the same with me. She was determined that I get back on the horse after Callie and I split but the minute I start thinking about it she's talking me out of it.
Thirdly I need to fix things with Sloan. Out of everything this is the one I'm not looking forward to at all. I don't know Dr Sloan very well but it doesn't take a genius to see that he and Alex are friends now. Not friends. No. It's more than that. What was it Meredith said:
"Alex trusts Mark the way I trust Cristina."
That means a hell of a lot to me. I know how much Meredith trusts her best friend. I know how much she needs her. I know that she's told her things that she's probably never told anyone and I know that Cristina would be her first point of call come what may. She'd trust the woman with her life. If Alex feels that way about Dr Sloan then I really screwed up. If that's how things are between them then I owe him as much of an apology as I owe Alex.
"Dr Sloan? I'm sorry to interrupt but can I talk to you for a minute? Please." Whether he feels sorry for me or whether he's just curious I don't know but thankfully he steps to one side.
"What is it O'Malley? If you're just here to get me to put in a good word for you then forget it."
"No that's not it. Actually I owe you an apology. I was wrong. You've been a good friend to Alex, helping him with whatever it is that's going on, and I almost ruined that by being an idiot. I know that I hurt Alex with everything I said but I didn't consider what impact that had on you. I was wrong. I apologise." Taking a breath I heave out a sigh. Even if he doesn't accept it I can already feel my conscience clearing a little.
"Apology accepted." Wait what? Apparently my confusion is obvious as he elaborates. "O'Malley I don't have time for holding grudges besides we both know that I'm not the one that got hurt by you throwing accusations around. Wait. That's not why you're apologising is it, so Alex-"
"No! That's not it." I say, cutting him off. "I'm not doing this so Alex will forgive me. Honestly I doubt he ever will but no matter what I owe you an apology."
"Alright." It's only after I turn to walk away that he calls out to me. "He still cares about you."
"What?" I've never spun round so fast in my life. What did he just say?
"Karev. He still cares about you. He's just got a lot going on right now but don't give up on him just yet. Just give him some time."
Watching him walk away my mind goes blank save for one thought.
Maybe it's not too late.
Okay so first things first I hope that therapy part was alright. I've never had therapy before so I don't really know how things work but my research led me in that direction. (By the way I don't know if therapists in America do the whole client questionnaire but a friend mentioned having filled one in and it sounded like a good place to start since I really had no clue.)
I've decided enough is enough. I need to start fixing this and putting those poor boys back together.
Until next time,