A/N - Ok this is my first fanfic here - like everyone else I'm going to be suffering until we get through the xmas break and get Glee back. This will be a multi-chapter story and I'll try and post regularly.
I don't own Glee but just borrowing the characters!
Chapter 1 -
The day had started as any other of the past two weeks – her alarm sounding at the regulation 6am shaking her from a dreamless sleep only to be reminded seconds later of the terrible mess she'd made of her life. Finn's photo still sat proudly on her nightstand, and out of habit was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes of a morning. This was then followed by the familiar prick of tears stinging her eyes and a painful ache in the chest. She'd forced herself out of bed and onto the elliptical, finding some comfort in the regular exercise regimen yet strangely no inspiration from the gold star with her name on it that swam before her. The fact that he had become more important than her dream of stardom was not lost on her and in that moment she hated him for it. She was Rachel Berry - destined for bigger things than Lima, Ohio, for bigger things than the high school quarterback who couldn't even understand half the things she said. As she tried to bolster herself with these thoughts, her conscience reminder her uncomfortably that it was exactly this attitude that driven her to break their relationship in the first place.
She took a shower, mentally trying to shake herself of the deep funk that had settled over her being. It was the first day of the two week Christmas break and a perfect time to take stock and rejuvenate. She was sick of self-pity, sick of wondering if Finn would ever talk to her again, would ever look at her without that frown of disappointment. And that was the most mortifying part, that her great lunking boyfriend, the boy with the sensitivity of a flea, sat in judgement over her. The boy who had broken up with her to 'find his inner rock-star', a thinly veiled excuse to take advantage of a menage a trois with two of the most vacuous beings ever to walk the planet. He had dropped her for a girl who believed in santa and thought dolphins were gay sharks and for a girl who collected 'V-cards' for fun.
Why did she even care? She was better than that.
But she did care, so very, very badly. She cared because he'd called her out. He'd known she was better than that, that's why he'd loved her, because she was different from all the others, only to find she wasn't. She'd lowered herself to the same petty games that all the other high school teenagers played.
She knew he had a right to be disappointed, she was disappointed in herself; it was the fact that it was the only expression she saw on his face nowadays. Gone were the looks of love, of pride, of desire; all replaced by a steady frown and averted eyes. Somehow she knew he still loved her, that he always would; there was always that half conflicted look on his face whenever she'd thrown pleading eyes his way, and yet she couldn't seem to get past his disapproval. It had been two weeks, two torturous and lonely weeks and he still couldn't even bring himself to speak to her. Every call and text went unanswered, every attempt at conversation met with stony silence. He'd even flinched when she'd touched him, drawing back as if he'd been burned before turning away and practically running up the hallway. She knew he needed time and maybe the break was a perfect opportunity for both of them to put things in perspective.
With that thought she made a resolution not to lie around wallowing in self pity – she was Rachel Barbra Berry after all and she would use the holiday time productively to work on some new arrangements and exercise her vocal weaknesses. Maybe as a symbol of her renewed sense of self she should explore a new musical genre – soul perhaps or even the blues, no – too depressing she thought to herself. Mercedes wasn't the only one who could belt out a soul tune she told herself, and besides there was enough angst wallowing in her own breast that needed exorcising to certainly get a handle on the style.
No sooner had she flipped on her ipod to start her vocal warm-ups though, than the tears started again. Every song, every damn note, reminded her acutely of what she'd lost, what she'd thrown away through her own selfish stupidity. Finn, Glee and the respect of the few friends she'd finally managed to form a relationship with at McKinley had been tossed aside the moment she'd taken Puck's arm in the hallway three weeks before. Even Kurt had tweeted his disapproval of her behaviour – just when she thought they'd formed some sort of friendship. It was hopeless, something needed to change and for once she wasn't sure she could do it on her own.
Rachel's hand shook as she dialled the numbers - twice she got to the last digit and hung up, tears threatening to overtake her again. Why was this so hard?
'I am a strong assertive woman' she reminded herself for the 50th time that day 'I will go after what I want with singular pupose' she mentally added for good measure, straightening a little as she tossed her head back.
She hated that Finn had made her doubt herself, made her question herself and everything she did. Ever since they'd broken up two weeks before she'd been second guessing her decisions and she hated it. She was used to just leaping in and damning the consequences and what anyone thought of her – why couldn't she get back to just doing that? It's not like being herself was going to scare him off and lose her friends – he was already gone and her so called 'friends' along with him.
Taking a deep breath she picked up the receiver. The third time she dialled she made it all the way.
"Hello," answered a melodic voice.
"H-Hi..." she stammered, her nervousness rushing back causing her throat to constrict. Out of nowhere she felt the tears prick her eyes, her ability to speak leaving her completely.
"Rachel?" queried the surprised voice on the other end, "is that you? what's the matter honey?"
"I don't know," she managed to get out, "I just feel like I really need a mom right now." Rachel finished, sobbing down the phone before handing it to her dad who just happened to be walking past. He took it in surprise his eyes following her as she disappeared up the hallway towards her room.
Hirum took the phone automatically, placing it against his ear. "Shelby?..."