There are moments in his life that he is in desperate need of a savior.
Now is one of those times.
He has provided a shelter to those in need. He wraps his arms around them to provide a safety that life cannot truly offer, for at any moment the unexpected can happen. But he would be there regardless, holding them together in times when they believed they would break.
How is he supposed to provide safety and comfort for himself though? When the one thing that is causing his pain and suffering is the one thing that he wants the most?
Kate Beckett was extraordinary. She was a woman who was aware of what she wanted and knew precisely how to get it. How is it that he knew that she wanted him, but wouldn't allow herself to give in and succumb? His pain and suffering began here and ended here.
In order to survive the times when our heart is aching and ready to crumble, we have to look at what's best for ourselves. Self-preservation after all is apart of our nature.
Richard Castle knew that he wanted Katherine Beckett. He also knew that while the heart wants what the heart wants, sometimes too much pain is endured and you believe you can take no more. He was sick and tired of not being seen. He was under a veil. You could him and his emotions, but not entirely. What he wants you to see is different than who he truly is.
Every day he used to put on a mask and pretend he didn't care for that detective. Day by day however, the mask was slowly pulled away. His eyes began to portray a little bit more caring in them everyday. He found her to be astonishing, yet when he tried to move their relationship forward, she made it clear in subtle ways that for now they must remain static.
So what did he do when this became too much?
He left the precinct.
"So you're leaving?"
"It would appear so." He replied.
Silence. He felt a need to fill it but resisted the urge. He hoped this was for the best.
"What the hell Rick?"
They had been growing closer and closer lately. They comforted each other on those cases that hit close to home and gave one another tidbits of information that before were to be left unspoken. He wasn't sure when they became best friends, but it was around the time they began using each other's first names.
"It's not for long Detective, while it may be indefinite it is necessary."
"See that's the part that I'm not quite catching on to! What's going on Rick?"
Her green eyes pierced his cobalt blue eyes. Her eyes were clouded with confusion and hurt he never wanted to be the cause of. Her stare told him that she wanted an honest answer, but would he be able to adequately provide one?
He sat down on a nearby bench in the park. He suggested they went for a walk earlier when he arrived at her house after she had called him over wanting to talk and hang out.
Kate could see the self-disgust on his face as he rested his elbows on his knees and stared straight down at the ground. She barely heard him when he started talking at a near whisper.
"I don't know what's happening Kate. I feel as if something's just not right with me and I don't know what it is. I feel lost.
You've been a great friend, honest. I hope I've been the same because you're one of the few people in my life that I can turn to easily and talk to without being judged. That's just our relationship, it's who we are. Lately though…"
He didn't continue like she thought he would. She remained silent in hope that he would continue; unsure of what he was trying to say. For an author that wrote so eloquently and could come up theories at the drop of a hat, she realized that he couldn't portray his feelings well directly.
"I still don't understand though. You seem happy! I don't know why you have to go to the Hamptons again for another break when you're satisfied here."
"That's the thing though Kate! I'm satisfied. Satisfied. I want more though out of life and I'm just not getting it. I need to distance myself. It may cause more pain, self-inflicted perhaps. I just need… Something." He paused. "There are times when all of my to-do lists are finished and complete, but I still can't go to bed at night. I feel like I still have something to do but I can't! I'm frustrated with myself all the time for thinking things that I shouldn't –"
She interrupted him and asked, "What shouldn't you be thinking?"
She looked at him as he raised his head and arched his eyebrow.
"Many many things Kate." He said as he rose from the cold bench and stood – simply gazing at a happy couple holding hands passing by.
"Castle, we all go through times that are difficult because we're not getting what we want. It's up to us to make it through them though, because if we don't we slip through the cracks and fall."
"I'm in the process of falling and no one's there to catch me." He whispered.
"I'll catch you. Every time."