A Fairly Odd Christmas Carol

Stave I

Kellen: Snow fell peacefully outside in the city of Dimmsdale, and all throughout the town the sound of merry shoppers and the cries of salespersons and charities echoed through the air. There was a choir of young children strolling down the street, singing carols while holding their hats out for donations. The day was cold, but many were still bustling around excitedly, because it was Christmas Eve and there was a lot of shopping to be done. The townspeople were happy that Christmas was coming soon...well, all but one.

(cut to Buxaplenty and O'Connell C.P.A.s.)

Kellen: Remy Buxaplenty disliked Christmas with a passion of a thousand deaths. He was a rich boy that loved money over all things. He worked as an accountant with his partner and friend, Henry O'Connell. But that was seven years ago. Now Henry was dead, and Remy was glad.

(We go inside, where Remy is working and his freezing clerk Timmy Turner was trying to put a log into the small fire.)

Remy: Leave my wood alone, Turner!

(Timmy sadly goes back to his place.)

Timmy: Very good, sir...

Remy: Following the holidays, I'm putting a lock on the wood box. You understand?

Timmy: Yes sir.

(Just then, Remy's nephew, Phillip O'Connell appeared through the door.)

Phillip: Timmy, my friend!

Timmy: Phillip! (they hug)

Phillip: A very Merry Christmas to you Timmy! (to Remy) Ah, Remy! Merry Christmas!

Remy: Christmas...BAH! HUMBUG!

Phillip: Christmas a "humbug"? You don't mean that...do you?

Remy: Of course! (he grunts) "Merry Christmas..." What right do people have to be merry? They're already poor!

Phillip: What right do you have to be dismal? You're rich! (Remy slaps him) OW! Don't be like that, Remy!

Remy: Why should I when I live in a world full of idiots? Christmas is a time for paying bills without money; time for finding yourself a year older and not a cent richer; time for balancing the books while finding them dead against you! If I was running things, anyone who even spouts "Merry Christmas" boiled alive and buried with a spike through their heart!

Phillip: NOW, LOOK HERE, REMY...!

Remy: Phillip, keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine.


Remy: Then let me leave it alone!

Phillip: Hmph! I've always thought Christmas was a time where men and women freely open their hearts! Even though it's never given me any money, it's done me good. I say "God Bless Christmas!"

Timmy: Way to go, Phillip!

Remy: One more word out of you, and you're fired! (muttering) A man with a wife AND children... (out loud, to Phillip) You're quite the speaker, sir. You should be in Congress!

Phillip: By the way, I'm inviting you to have Christmas dinner with my family.

Remy: No.

Phillip: But I only want your company!

Remy: NO!

Phillip: Oh come on! You've never met my wife!

Remy: Why did you get married?

Phillip: Because I fell in love.

Remy: LOVE? That's even more idiotic than Christmas! Good afternoon, nephew.

Phillip: Why can't you agree with me...


Phillip: Well, I'm not going to allow you to chase away the Christmas spirit. Merry Christmas, uncle...and a Happy New Year! (to Timmy) Come to my place after your family leaves the mass. My wife wants to see you all. Merry Christmas, Timmy.

Timmy: Same to you, Phillip.

(Phillip lets himself out. Later, a young boy comes to the door.)

Boy: Good afternoon, sir! Am I speaking to Remy Buxaplenty or Henry O'Connell?

Remy: O'Connell's been dead for seven years.

Boy: So you must be Remy...very well! It is at this time that we try to provide needs to for those that don't.

Remy: Tell me, are there no prisons?

Boy: Yes.

Remy: And the poor farms are still open, right?

Boy: Yes.

Remy: And is the Poor Law still in effect?

Boy: Yes.

Remy: I'm glad to hear that!

Boy: So...how much can I put you down for?

Remy: Nothing.

Boy: You wish to stay anonymous?

Remy: No. I only support those establishments I mentioned. Those who you say are badly off must go there!

Boy: They would rather die than do that!

Remy: Let them...and help decrease the surplus population!

Boy: You're not interested in other's misfourtunes?

Remy: I only care about my own business. Good day.

Boy: Merry Christmas.

(At this time Remy and Timmy are about to leave)

Timmy: Would it be alright if I took tomorrow off?

Remy: What for?

Timmy: Tomorrow's Christmas!

Remy: Whatever. But, on the following day, you work from seven to seven.

Timmy: Yes sir! Merry Christmas, Buxaplenty!

Remy: Bah! Humbug!

(Outside, Poof is waiting for his father.)

Remy: I thought I told you not to beg here!

Poof: DADDY!

Timmy: Poof! How long have you been sitting here? You must be frozen! (to Remy) This is my son, Poof.

Remy: Humbug!

(Remy walks away.)

Poof: Dad, can we go see the kids play in the snow?

Timmy: Sure! (he picks up Poof while holding his crutch and walks toward home) I've got the day off tomorrow. That means we'll all be together for Christmas!

Poof: Christmas is the best day of the year!

(They continue on to an empty street where a bunch of kids are throwing snowballs at each other.)

Timmy: You'll be out there one day, playing with children.

Poof: I'm sure I will. The doctor said I'm getting stronger every day!

Timmy: Oh! Look at the time! We mustn't keep your mother waiting!

Poof: Let's go home.

Kellen: Later that night, Remy had just finished his trip to the stock exchange and was finally headed home. He saw a hearse come towards him. As it went by, an ominous voice called out for Remy.

Voice: Buxaplenty...Remy...Buxaplenty...

Remy: What? Who said that?

(The hearse continues past Remy)

Voice: Buxaplenty...

(Remy looks towards the hearse when it mysteriously vanishes before his eyes! He then continued to his mansion where he then hears the voice at the top of steps.)

Voice: Buxaplenty...

(As he was about to open the door, the knocker head transformed into a man's head, which began to move and speak.)


Remy: O'Connell? Nah...

(He went upstairs, slipped into his night clothes, and got some soup. Then he heard the voice again.)

Voice: Buxaplenty!

(Remy was freaked out for a bit, but calmed down.)

Remy: Humbug!

(Then there was a loud cacophony of noises; bells ringing, chains dragging, and footsteps.)


(All of a sudden, the door flew wide open, and in came the spirit of Remy's partner and friend, Henry O'Connell.)

Remy: Who are you?

Henry: Ask me who I was.

Remy: Okay...who were you?

Henry: In life, I was your partner: Henry O'Connell.

Remy: Can you sit down?

Henry: I can.

Remy: Then do so.

(Henry sits down on a chair.)

Henry: You don't believe in me.

(A long silence)


Remy: YES! By the way, what's with the chains?

Henry: This is the chain that I forged in my life. Made link by link, yard by yard. Though you see mine as long I can see that yours is even longer!

Remy: Is there anything I can do to help you?

Henry: No. But I have come to warn you.

Remy: Warn me?

Henry: You will be haunted by three spirits. Expect the first ghost at the stroke of one, the second at the stroke of two, and the last at the stroke of three. Any questions?

Remy: Wouldn't it be better to have all three spirits haunt me at once?

Henry: I cannot say. Look to me no more. Look, so that you may remember what has passed between us.

(The window magically opened and Henry flew out of it.)

Remy: Humbug. I've got to stop eating soup before bed!

End Stave One.

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