Dexter's Empire

Chapter 14

"Hello, Timmy. My name is Jimmy, the Mercenary Banana."


"We're in a blender. And you have a glock pointed at you."


The blender was shaken, and Timothy came out as a red splotch on the floor. The blob immediately straightened itself, and rose to LT. Hit-Man's eye level.


"Kriff you, Timmy!"


At that point, the LT pulled out a Ghostbusters proton pack, and turned it on. The unfortunate paste that was Timmy was sucked into it, and then the LT walked over to an airlock and chucked it out.

"WAAAAH!" Timmy's voice carried across the vacuum of space with a... resounding clang?

"LT. Hit-Man to the bridge. Lock all tractor beams on a red blob, and put it in a containment cell. I'm not done with it yet."

"Um... yes, sir!"

"Sir, we've figured out what to do with all these tribbles."

"Well, what do we do with them?" The Death Star's commanding commodore looked down at the midshipman in front of him.

"This." He pulled out a ridiculously large blueprint, and spread it out across the table. "I call it the TribbleLaser."

"What does it do?"

"It accelerates tribbles to hyperlight velocities, giving them an immense energy charge. With the rate these things multiply, you could destroy planets with the power of a hand blaster."

"Kind of like a Gauss rifle?"

"Precisely, only that tribbles are the projectile."

"Set to work at once. I want you to replace half of every Star Destroyer's turbolasers if it works."

"Yes, sir."

"Sir?" Commander Data looked at his status displays. "There is an ISD in weapons range."

Picard only glanced up from his cup o' tea. "Fire."

Phasers lanced out from the NCC 1701-D, catching the Star Destroyer amidships.

"Sir, phasers are having no effect. I'm reading... solid neutronium armor. Incoming!"

"Projectiles are..." WHAM! "Hyperaccelerated Tribbles." WHAM!

The comm rang. "Cap'n, the hull canna stand up to this kind of beating!"

"LaForge, enough of your Scotty impressions."

"Very well. But sir, I canna violate the laws of physics!"


Suddenly, there was a flash, and Q (who else?) appeared on the bridge. "Mon Captaine, I have received complaints about this universe, especially since the Empire has started killing planets with Tribbles. It therefore behooves me to draw this to a close. However, you will be spared." There was an even brighter flash, the bridge shook, lights went out, several ensigns were killed, and the universe imploded.


"Well... not exactly yet." Q turned around, to reveal the crew of the USS Enterprise, sitting dead in space at the time of the second Big Bang. "You see, I simply hit the reset button for the universe. It will... be rather interesting."

As he spoke, the Enterprise was impacted by a proton shock wave, sending it spinning out of control. Q waved his hand, and the ship was dumped several tens of millions of years in the future. "Bon voyage, Mon Captaine." In the background, the ship can be seen careening towards a newly formed planet, its stardrive section separating while the saucer crashes into the planet.

In the Afterlife...

"Hey guys! Want to play another game of 'Pin the tail on Timmy'?"

Pablo Sanchez didn't even look up. "Oh, yeah, sure."

"Come on, guys!" Crayz9000 finally sat down, and began twiddling his thumbs.

LT. Hit-Man stepped out of the shadows, a faint shadow standing beside him. "Wanna meet my new friend, guys?"

MKSheppard looked up at him. "Sure. Who is he?"

"He prefers to be called Diablo."

Meanwhile, in another section of the new universe...

"MUHAHAH! I am the Emperor! MUHAHAH!" Dexter, arrayed in royal robes, stared down at the planet below. "You will all bow before me! MUHAHAH!"

He laughed for several minutes, but then slowly started crying. "I'm bored. Deedee?"

The End