Disclaimer: This is a fan written work based on the works of J.K. Rowling. It might possibly also have some elements of a number of other works, like the anime Hellsing. There is no money being made from this, it is merely a work meant for the entertainment of myself and the masses. This is merely for fun, and no profit. I repeat: I am not making any money out of writing this.
Warning: OCs OOCs Sues, and some crack. You have been warned.
Note 1: AU.
Note 2: Harry's normal expression is that of deadpan, in case you've forgotten.
Note 3: made a mistake in Morsmordre's last chapter about PI
Promotional Sentence: Read Lord of the Phoenix's "Player" if you want dose of what Harry could also do in his life, set after 5th year.
"There has been absolutely no movement in my part of the world," Charity said via crystal mirror which served as the communication device between all of the upper echelon of Potter Industries or PI.
"How is Acca doing?" Harry asked, "How is she progressing magically?"
"She's doing alright," Charity replied, "I only found out about her birthday being over, she's five now, and well, she's quite the little helper," she then paused to think of how to answer the second question, "I would say that her magic is fine tuning itself to some higher purpose of a sort, much like yours, Sirius', and Ms Lovegood's."
"That's good to hear," Harry said, "I might need her in the possibly near future. Continue with what you've been doing over there," he then turned to face his officers based in France, "How goes operations in France, Connie, how's your son doing?"
"He's fine, we've got some basic routine in our lives now," Connie Ogden said, "The Veela here have been acting a tad bit odd is all, but nothing really troubling has yet to occur. I'll keep you posted on the developments over here on the mainland."
"Marvolo, how goes Asia?" Harry said facing the Slytherin Lord and Undead Lich.
"I love it over here!" Marvolo said, "There's so much death and necromantic knowledge for the taking! Its amazing! I've got some apprentices now too! My wives included. We had problems with the Lamia and Naga earlier on, but my family managed to smooth things out with them. I even got to meet the Jade Emperor, the guy said he was your nephew or something."
"I asked referring to the business part of things, not your daily life," Harry stated.
"Ah, well, everything's proceeding on schedule," Marvolo said, "We've begun Operation Bull In China Shop."
"Someone please remind me why I let Charity name the operations," Harry said, exasperated over the operation name.
"Because you love me like a big sister!" Charity suggested.
"I doubt he sees you as such," Tristan spoke up from another mirror, "I may be in New York, but even I know that the likelihood of my surviving a killing curse should I agree with you is rather slim. I'll go for the fact that you're the only one he doesn't mind doing silly things like that. I mean, I let you run around the house in an orange jumpsuit last Sunday."
"I don't think its your suggested reason Tris," Sirius said, "He lets Luna do whatever she wants to him, silly and not silly."
"I'm sticking with my reasoning," Charity said haughtily.
"I can't.." Dino said.
"Believe.." Alfonso continued.
"We're hearing this.." Mario added his bit.
"During a meeting," the Trio said at the same time, from different mirrors, while they were all in the UK, they were in different offices.
"Maybe its because of her attitude," Fenrir gave his two cents, "I mean, she's really bossy when she wants to be."
"Hey! I am not!" Charity said outraged, and proceeded to hurl steak knives at Fenrir through the mirrors, the lycan ducking out of the way, and generally avoiding the stainless steel things.
"Second-in-Command or not," Alexander Anderson said, then pointed in her general direction, "I am calling you a liar! There's a Hell for that you know!"
"Oh screw you! You heretic!" Charity shouted.
"No cursing with Alex present," they all heard Acca's voice from beyond the mirror, "You woke him up with your shouting."
"Sorry about that dear," Charity said and left the mirror for a little bit.
"She shut up!" the Trio said in triumph for some reason.
"Silenced by a child," Alucard said, "Truly, Acca is proving to be a truly frightening addition to our forces. It warms my cold dead heart to see such a youth perform such an incredibly evil feat."
"Stop being so melodramatic Alu," Luxuria mocked, "You're such a girl."
"Whatever Sub," Alucard said dismissively.
"Did you just call me a..!" Luxuria began to shout, but was stopped by a ball gag shutting her up thanks to Asmodeus.
"Sorry about that," Asmodeus said, "I know she sometimes talks too much, but its because I haven't really been paying much attention to her."
"You've got the sickest relationship out of the lot of us," Fenrir said.
"Well at least I don't go sniffing asses when a simple 'hello' would suffice," Asmodeus pointed out mockingly.
"That. Was. Uncalled. For," Fenrir said growling and beginning to change forms.
"Bring it Snoopy," Asmodeus challenged.
"Shut up Batboy," Fenrir challenged back.
"You know what...just send me your reports...I don't have time for this," Harry said, "I've got a date, and I don't want to be late. Good day."
Harry left his room which served as the conference room, and was slightly delighted to know that his little irritation outburst had resulted favorably, as the other members of the meeting were stunned into disbelief that he had done what he had done. They didn't even get to the part where he was supposed to ask him about the movements of the enemy.
"Did he just..?" Alexander A asked.
"I believe he did..." Alucard replied, staring at the door of the office.
"Whoa..." Barty said, "I can't believe that just happened."
"What did I miss?" Charity said returning to within her mirror, she noticed the looks of disbelief on her comrades' faces, "Honey? Tris, sweety?"
"He left," Tristan said, shock evident in his voice, "He's prioritizing his date with Luna Lovegood over our arguments..."
"The scary part, the really scary part, is that he showed a lot more emotion in his statement than at any other time that I've known him," Mario said, "And it wasn't the expected King, Lord, Ruler, Demon Lord, or whatever else he's known as of Hell type of emotion either."
"He was irritated with us, not due to the bickering, arguing, or fighting," Alfonso said.
"But due to him running late for a date," Dino said, "Its quite a new experience."
"He grew up too fast," Charity said and wiped away an imaginary tear.
"Get a grip on yourself Aunty Charity," Acca's voice was heard again, then she was seen in the same mirror as Charity while holding little Alex, "Alex, say 'hi' to daddy."
"Da!" Alex squealed.
"So cute!" Connie squealed herself, "I wish I was in Australia too! I'd cuddle him, kiss him, hug him, and smother him with my love!"
"Hey! That's my kid you're gushing about!" Tristan complained.
"My kid doesn't let me do that stuff to him anymore," Connie said.
"I can imagine why," Marvolo muttered.
"I heard that!" Connie said, "I'm telling your wives!"
"Like I care!" Marvolo loudly stated, then changed his tune after he was physically pulled off screen, "...I care! I care! Damn it! I care!" a few seconds of silence reigned, before.. "Not there! Merlin's hairy ass crack! Not there!"
"What in the world...?" Sirius wondered.
"My precious..." they heard Marvolo weep, "I know I can grow them back...but really..."
"I'm going back to work now," Sirius said, "Maybe have Slylph do some degrading stuff or something..."
"I don't feel so good after hearing that..." Tristan said, "Char, I'll be with your tomorrow, just need to finish up some things over here."
"D.." - Dino
"..A.." - Alfonso
"..M.." - Mario
"...N." - Trio
"What happened Barty?" Acca asked.
"Err...I'll tell you when you're older," Barty said, "Much older...yeah..."
While the male members of PI's Upper Echelon mourned over the temporary loss of their brother's precious parts, Harry made his way to, via Harley Davidson, over to the Lovegood residence to begin his date with Luna. Time well spent. He needed the break from his regular gloom and doom life.
"So, you ready?" Harry asked her once she opened the door after he had rung the gong.
"Yes," she said, pecked him on the cheek then called out to her father telling him she was leaving on her date.
"Have fun!" Xenophilius Lovegood shouted back from his workroom on the second floor, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do! If you absolutely have to, use protection!"
"Daddy!" Luna shouted sounding scandalized, then rounded on Harry, "Don't you be getting any ideas Mr King of Hell."
"Eh..Me? I wouldn't...I'd never...I mean," Harry said stammering a little bit, it was the suddenness of the thing that got him, "Yes dear."
"Good," Luna said happily, then snogged him right then and there for about five minutes before pulling him over to his bike, "Let's go Harry!"
"A-Ah..Coming!" Harry said, then handed her a helmet, and told her to get behind him and hold on.
Needless to say, their trip to London was a very amusing one, Luna with her Cheshire grin and Harry with his raging hormones going nuts as Luna's grip kept accidentally moving southward every now and then. Her excuse being that she read somewhere that it was one of the things that girls riding behind a boy were supposed to do on a date. Harry didn't know that she was into that kind of thing, and wondered how the hell she was able to pull that dagger out of him that one time.
"Stop moving so much Luna," Harry said, trying to chastise her for her rather distracting actions, "We might get into an a-a-accident! Luna~" It was really getting hard for him to concentrate on driving.
"But I know you like it, Harry," she purred into his ear causing him to speed up suddenly and causing them to just miss being hit by cars as they zoomed through a red light, "I know you want me..."
'I'm in for a long and hard day...Me, please help me survive...of all people in the world, she is the one that does not deserve to grow a pair of blackened wings..' Harry thought to himself as he tried his very best not to mind Luna's ministrations, she was clearly about to have her period. While he appreciated what she was doing, he was not appreciating the fact that he could possibly lose his mortality by such a mundane, while enjoyable, means.
"So long as you not directly endanger Her life, you will have a chance at surviving til the very end," HE informed his champion, "Remember, our goal is to rid existence of Harry Potter, or at the very least confining him to All Hells. She is all that is keeping him in check, keeping him as the honorable Being that he presently is. While he has a sliver of a chance of beating us. I may be perfect, but in such matters even I may admit my own imperfection."
"Fine, I shall not directly cause her harm, endanger her life, and the like," Tom conceded to his Lord, "So long as you keep your end of the bargain, I shall keep mine. This world shall be cleansed of all of those with the taint, and things shall return back to the way it has always been, had always been before the interference of the Chosen One."
"So long as we are clear, I shall grant you that one concession. There is no good and evil, only power and those who chose to use it," HE stated, then left his champion's immediate presence.
'If one mortal child can do it so can I' Tom thought to himself, knowing that his Lord would not hear his thoughts, as they still had some form of morals, even when concerning those lesser than themselves, 'Once I have been granted my just rewards, I shall overthrow the Gods, and place myself above all. There is no good and evil, only power, and those that chose to pursue it, and ultimately rule with it.'