'Pirates of the Caribbean' belongs to Disney

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Written for the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' challenge at Livejournal.

Whilst overindulging on rum in the vicinity of a Christmas choral, Captain Sparrow starts imagining how he'd respond upon being offered each of the sung-about gifts:

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On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
A partridge in a pear tree...

"Let's see... I've some fondness fer pears, so I'll take the tree as is. But I'd jus' as soon see the partridge on a roasting spit."

Two turtle doves...

"See above comment regardin' the partridge."

Three French hens...

"Bring those aboard! Fresh eggs're always wanted on ship, regardless of theer nationality."

Four calling birds...

"That depends- what manner of birds might these be? If theer ravens or owls voicing calamitous predictions I'll bloody pass! But I've no objection ta songbirds. Particularly sparrows!"

Five gold rings...

"Ah, now that's more like it! 'M always glad ta accept gold anythings, from anybody, at any time!"

Six geese a-laying...

"Layin's no high recommendation, goose eggs bein' so inferior ta hens'. Jus' send those feathered beasties down to the cook, right behind the doves an' partridge."

Seven swans a-swimming...

"That'd be Liz an' her brood- 'tis a given she'd teach her whelps how ta swim. Aye, let's have 'em all! We've plentiful poultry ta share."

Eight maids a-milking...

"Maids 'er always welcome, but leave those bloody cows ashore! Jus' see to it they're tended to. I'll pick up the cheese next time I'm in port."

Nine ladies dancing...

"Acceptable enough! Better 'en acceptable, if theer inclined ta do more'en dance."

Ten drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping...

"Let that lot in too. The nine lasses'll be wantin' music fer theer dancing."

Twelve lords a-leaping...

"NO, by the powers! Lords are my all-time least-favorite people, the feculent brand-wieldin' pestilences... But wait! Might these be twelve Lords a-leapin' from the deck of the disintegrating Endeavour? That's a different matter entirely!

"Verra well- I'll accept the whole cargo!

"Many thanks ta you, True Luv! Wherever you might be..."

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FINIS