31524; someone's missing
I felt an odd sense of calm as I left Xion and Axel in Vegas on that Sunday afternoon.
Sure. Things with me and Axel were still on the back burner, but we were on our way to setting them right at least. At least, I hope we were. And Xion … I hadn't expected her to come back into the picture so abruptly. But, it was nice seeing her and reconnecting again. For some friends, even if you haven't seen them for ages, your relationship never really changes no matter the distance. Does it? At least, not for me and Xion.
I returned back to New York with less of a heavy heart than I'd left it with. Despite the bumps we'd encountered on our first night, my brother was more than appreciative of the weekend away from the city. Things eventually returned to normal with Cloud returning to Tifa and the twins, Sora went back to Riku and his restaurant and I… I returned to the loft with Soro. Even if the loft was so sullen and depressing during what remained of the winter, it was spring now. It was warmer …and somewhat brighter. Besides, it wasn't the first time Axel had left me here alone for an unspecified amount of time. But, it was the first time that it felt so empty.
I didn't have time to sit around for long because I was right back on a plane flying across the country again—this time to see my little sister. After a month and a half, Rikku had reached a point in treatment where they were allowing her to have visitors. So my mother and I were on an 8AM flight that Friday morning bound for Colorado. After we left the airport with our luggage, we hailed a cab to our hotel to drop off our stuff and then headed for the treatment facility where Rikku was staying at.
When we pulled up to the center and got out of the car, I saw my sister waiting just behind the glass doors of the front entrance. Rikku had changed in the short month and a half since I'd last seen her. She'd hacked all her hair off again into something reminiscent of a pixie cut. Her eyes seemed brighter … maybe because her face wasn't hidden behind the makeup she always insisted on caking up around her eyes. I know, I know. Rikku was in the fashion industry… but less is more sometimes.
She hugged my mother and then turned her attention on me. Rikku's smile was demure at first, as if she didn't know exactly what to say when I stood there looking at her. There was a certain softness in her eyes that hadn't been there before. Like whatever harsh substance had been eating at her was starting to dissipate and she was starting to become her old self again.
"Roxas." She began, looking up at me.
Telling her she looked good would have been calling her fat and stirring whatever insecurities of hers still lingered under the surface. I returned her smile with a faint one of my own, placed my hand on top of her head and ran my fingers through the short spikes of her hair.
"You cut your hair again."
Her smile turned into one of her signature toothy grins and her dimples finally appeared in her cheeks, "That's the first thing you say to me?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest, "Do you like it?"
I shrugged my shoulders and then nodded, "What made you cut it again?"
"I dunno. Wanted a change." She said, shrugging her shoulders. "I just did it recently, actually. I had to fight with administration, but you know how people always give in to me." She stepped away and let my hand drop to my side, "Come on, I'll give you guys a tour of the place."
We followed Rikku past the nurse's station in the front of the treatment center. She waved at them and brought us over to meet the head nurse and one of her assistants. The head nurse engaged my mother in quick, rapt discussion about Rikku and told her she'd been pleased with the progress my sister was making. My mother could only smile as she thanked them and we were on our way.
Rikku took us down another hallway, showing us areas where residents gathered for therapy and various common room areas. It was all too familiar. Except the place Rikku had been shipped off to looked like a spa in comparison to the jail cell I had been locked away in so many years ago.
"So, is there anything in particular that they're going to let us do with you today?" My mother asked as Rikku brought us out into a garden area where a few residents were gathered.
"Well, my therapist wants to meet with you guys. My regular therapy sessions are scheduled for three, but we'll be turning that into family therapy because you guys are here." Rikku said, as she set us up in some chairs on the veranda. "And … they might …just might let you take me off the premises for a little while. Maybe we can go out to dinner or something. Just how long are you guys here for, anyway?"
"We leave tomorrow afternoon." I replied.
"Bummer." Rikku sighed, pulling her feet into the chair and rocked back into it so she could cross her legs. "So? How are things going back in the city?"
"Things are good." My mother glanced at me and then back to Rikku, "I'm sorry your brother's couldn't be here with us as well. Cloud couldn't pull himself away from the twins as Tifa had to fly away to Europe for business this weekend. And Sora was supposed to come with us, but his head manager came down with a nasty cold so he's stuck looking after the restaurant, but …"
"We're here." I said, "And that's what should matter."
Rikku waved her hands as if to dismiss our brother's absences, "Yeah, I'm not going to throw a fit over you guys visiting me in this place…"
She trailed off, and folded her hands between her thighs. As open and receptive as my sister had appeared over my mother and I, I knew some doubts still lingered. We were still strangers on what was her home turf at the moment. There was shame where there shouldn't be, but I knew nothing I said was going to fix that. Rikku had to fix that herself.
"How is it here?" My mother asked, sensing my sister's growing discomfort.
Rikku perked up a bit, "Well…" She glanced over her shoulder and then turned back to us, "I'm not gonna lie. I hated everything when I first came here. The first night they were on my case about almost everything." She tucked a stray bang behind her ear, "Eat this, don't do that. There were so many rules I thought I was going to lose my mind. And then they want you to process everything."
"Process?" My mother asked, but I already knew what Rikku was talking about. A part of me found this somewhat humorous, because I understood her annoyance with the system almost immediately.
"Yeah, you know…" Rikku huffed and looked at me, "Help me out, bro?"
"She means they make you analyze every little thing that you do in here." I said.
"Oh…" My mother said, "Oh, you mean … okay, I get it. But, what's so bad about that?"
Rikku gripped the sides of her chair and instantly shot up, "Are you kidding me, mom? What's so bad? Say it's raining right? God forbid you brood while staring out the window while it's raining." She inhaled and straightened her posture, "Rikku, what does this falling rain represent for you? How do you feel when you watch the rain splatter against the window? Do you feel sad? Let's talk about it Rikku. THEY NEVER END."
"It's not that bad."
"Roxas. I know you went through the same thing." She said, "First in detox and then again with Saïx and Ansem. You know it is that bad."
"Maybe your therapists were a lot more brain dead than mine were."
"Maybe." Rikku rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders, "But, I like my therapist. You'll see. She's pretty cool…"
"Are you getting along with the other patients?"
"Residents." Rikku corrected my mother, "Sorry… people get a little sensitive about that word around here. But, yeah, it's okay. My roommate is this really quiet girl named Yeul. She's younger than me by like five years, but we get along pretty well."
"She's fifteen?" My mother asked, "So young…"
"Yeah, they're people younger than that here though." Rikku murmured, "A nine year old came in a week and a half ago. And there are some older patients as well. People from all over the country. That little disorder we all have in common here? It really doesn't discriminate."
"I see. As long as you're doing better. That's what really matters." My mother said, folding her hands in her lap.
"Mmm?" Rikku nodded, "Yeah, I'm doing way better than I was before I went crazy back in New York. Like I said, it was rough in the beginning. But, things are better now…"
"Have you had any other visitors besides us?"
"Yunie's coming sometime next week." She replied, "…And she's bringing Paine with her."
"Oh, that should be nice." My mother said, but I don't think she caught the underlining dread in my sister's voice. "Rikku... before you continue. Where's the restroom, honey?"
"Go back through the doors I led you through and make a right at the first intersection."
"Gotcha. I'll be right back."
We both watch my mother rise and leave through the double doors of the veranda. I turned to Rikku and watched her fiddle around with her nails. Now we could really talk without her having to mince words around my mother.
"This is how you really wanted to talk, right? Just waiting for mom to leave?" I asked.
"Yeah, I wanted a moment alone with you. I love her Rox, but she doesn't get this stuff like you do."
"Are you afraid?" I asked.
Rikku was pensive, biting her lower lip and lowered her gaze to the floor. She shrugged her shoulders when she looked back up at me, "I can't be afraid anymore, can I?"
"It's normal considering the terms you left on."
"She was so angry with me for so long." Rikku sighed, "I'm more than nervous to see her."
"She's not going to judge you, Rikku. She cares about you as much as Yuna does." I replied, "…I think she'll be happy to see you're doing well after everything you went through last autumn."
"Paine doesn't do happy, Roxas. You know her." Rikku giggled, "But, I guess you're right. Me and Yunie have been exchanging letters since I've been in here and she talks about Paine from time to time. I know Paine flew out to California sometime last month while I was in here and she asked about me. So, I guess it'll be okay."
"Sometimes…" I sighed, "…Sometimes, Rikku… it's hard finding the middle ground between caring about someone and being so fed up with them because they're being stupid and trying to destroy themselves…" I trailed off and folded my arms over my chest.
"Something wrong?"
"No, it's just… Rikku. Relationships are work, okay? Any type of relationship is pure and utter work. And at times, one person gives more than the other and things fall to shit. That's what happened with Paine and you. She wanted you to open up and get help and you refused. But, things aren't as black and white as that. Things never are. She just … the two of you have been friends for as long as I can remember and calm as she may be, I'm pretty sure she was freaking out when she saw you."
"All of you were." Rikku said, "And I'm sorry for worrying you… but that's why I'm here now."
"Yeah… and it looks like whatever they're doing for you here is working."
"…Thanks, Roxas." She smiled just as my mother came back onto the veranda and sat down next to me.
My mother glanced at Rikku and then back to me, "Well, whatever you two talked about while I was gone must have been good. Care to fill your mother in?"
"It's …" Rikku began and then looked at me.
"Sorry mom, sibling stuff." I said.
"You know you can't hide secrets from your mother, Roxas." She looked at my sister, "Neither can you, Rikku."
"Yeah, if you say so." Rikku said, giggling. "Anyway we should probably head inside soon. It's almost time for my session."
-x-
The therapy session with Rikku's therapist wasn't too different from what I was expecting. Albeit, I'd never been subjected to a family therapy session before, it was pretty much what I imagined it to be. Process, process, process. How do you feel when so and so did this? I'm sensing a lot of tension in the room, can any one of you expound on this? You know, generic therapist stupidity.
We talked a lot about what Rikku and I had already discussed two months ago when she was puking her guts out in the loft. Basically, her coming back to New York with the weight of the world on her shoulders and her feeling like she had no one else to turn. Some more stuff about her time in England that my mom didn't know about dropped out—like her drug use. My mother was remarkably straight faced when Rikku admitted to it… but she didn't seem too surprised. I guess after everything that happened with me, there wasn't much that surprised her anymore.
After her session, Rikku was cleared to leave the premises with us for the rest of the day. We went around Denver taking in the sights of the city. Rikku hadn't been out much, but she took us to some of the more historical sites that she'd visited on one of the few outings the treatment center had taken her on. Afterwards, we took her out to dinner… and neither of us had to push her to eat. There were a few little kinks that still had to be ironed out—(she started to do that weird rearranging thing with her food, but stopped when she realized I was looking at her)—but overall we were able to have a relatively normal meal together.
My mother wouldn't tell me until we were on the plane on our way back home, but Rikku's therapist pulled her aside after the session to discuss plans to ship Rikku back to New York in the beginning of May. She'd been making progress and felt as though there were little else to cover in her treatment in Colorado. My mother was conflicted of course. Rikku would be back for the wedding, but she kept asking herself—and me on our way back home—if two months seemed like a sufficient amount of time to spend in residential treatment. In the scope of a year, sixty days wasn't all that much. …But maybe it was enough. After all, the real world doesn't wait even when you're stuck inside trying to fix the parts of you that have long since died.
We dropped Rikku back off at residential and returned to our hotel for the night. My mother was oddly talkative that night. Going back and forth between what she'd done wrong—(as usual, she has a horrible habit of ruminating)—and how much better things were now. I told her to calm down and stop getting so anxious about everything. Rikku would be home soon and from the looks of it, staying in New York for awhile. She didn't have to worry about my little sister running away from home to head back to Europe when all she really wanted was to stay close to home—close to us—in the city.
We saw Rikku one more time in the morning before our flight back to the city. Once we were back in New York, I devoted my time between being a slaver to college and getting involved in ridiculous wedding stuff for Cloud. Pence, Olette and Naminé were my salvation on the weekends when I needed to bury myself in one shot glass too many and forget that my family existed for a few hours. …Not in the depressed sense where I wanted to go numb and forget myself. I mean in the—they were driving me absolutely mad—sense. I was never getting married. Sorry, nope. Either Axel and I would be engaged for the rest of our lives or we were running off and eloping somewhere. I was never subjecting myself to this madness.
Anyway, April tapered off in a blur of ivory dresses, stark black tuxedos, floral arrangements, and invitations and May brought along finals and endless papers. I think I probably stopped thinking… or breathing somewhere in mid-May. I don't know how I was still alive.
Rikku came back to New York in early May as we had expected. She planned on staying with my mother over the summer until she found her own place. It was nice having her back … she was less avoidant than she had been and was pretty much back to her old self. You know, loud, rambunctious and meddling Rikku. Sora had his partner in crime back and Cloud and I could worry about her safety a little less.
Axel and I talked every now and then. Most of the time he would text me because trying to coordinate my schedule while he was burning the midnight oil in California was nearly impossible. The album was on its way to being finalized and from the sounds of it, Axel said it was their best work yet. He always said that about a new album though. I'd give it a listen when he sent it my way. (Contrary to popular belief, I'd grown to tolerate Axel's music a little more than when we'd first met).
It was nice, although it made me feel a little lonely at times, to hear his voice again.
It was nice to be able to talk again.
-x-
"How long are we going to do this pillow talk thing for?"
"…Pillow talk?"
"You've never seen that movie? It's really old. Back when they had party lines and crap." Axel said, "I can't remember who plays in it. But it's like these two people live in the city and they share a phone line and this dude—"
"Axel, this sounds really interesting. Really, it does. But we don't share a party line and …what's your point?" I asked.
"I was getting to it before you so rudely interrupted me." He huffed, "Anyway, the movie really doesn't have anything to do with pillow talk because they don't have sex if I'm remembering it correctly."
"Neither are we."
I thought I heard him mutter something that sounded strangely like—don't remind me—under his breath and he sighed, "Okay, yeah. Obviously. You know what? Just forget I mentioned it." Axel sniffed and I heard him messing around with something on his end, "What are you doing?"
"Laying on my pillow talking to you."
"See. Pillow talk."
I sighed, "Do you have anything worth talking about tonight? Or can I go to sleep already?"
"You don't have anything to do." Axel said, "Didn't you take your last final three days ago?"
"Yeah, well. I'm currently a slave to my brother and soon to be sister-in-law if you haven't noticed." I said, groaning at the thought, "They fit me for my tux today."
"…Excuse me, what did you say?"
"They fit me for my tux today." I repeated, "What the hell? Do you have horrible reception or something?"
"…Roxas Ardenwell. What in the hell is wrong with you?"
"Axel Ramirez, what the hell is wrong with you?" I paused, "…Wait, don't answer that. I don't think anyone can tell me the answer to that question."
"Ha, ha." He mock laughed, "You didn't think to send me pictures?"
"Is that what this is about?" I asked incredulously while slapping my forehead, "You are unbelievable."
"Not really considering how long it's been since I've last seen you." Axel replied, "Well? How'd it fit?"
"It fit fine."
"You're not going to send me any pictures?"
"No."
Axel sighed, "…Oh, Roxas. Why must you be so cruel? Not like it matters." He snorted, "I'll just get Sora to take pictures for me while you're not looking. Or maybe your mom…"
"You do not have my mother's number."
"On the contrary, Roxas. I do." He said, "You know, just for emergencies. I've got you surrounded on all four corners. And besides, why are you being such a girl about all of this? If I were there at the wedding I would have seen you anyway."
"Yeah, but you want these pictures for perverted purposes. Don't lie to me."
"Uh, duh. Why else would I want them?" He laughed, "…Really though. Look at it this way. You guys are almost there. Pretty soon June'll be here and you won't have to worry about this giant headache that's become your brother's wedding. I think you've done well despite everything."
"You really think so?"
"Come on, Rox. This is you we're talking about." Axel chuckled, "You've done really well handling all of this… and if no one has said it so far, I'm saying it now. You just have a little more to go before you can take the summer off and not think about anything for the next three months."
"What about you?"
"Well, I've got a tour to worry about." Axel replied, "But …"
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Once all of this is over, you'll know right where I'll be."
"…I kind of hoped you'd say that." I could hear the smile in his voice, "Anyway, you should go. I've got to get back to rehearsal. Demyx just poked his head in here for the third time to yell at me to get going."
"Okay…" I trialed off, "…Call me tomorrow?"
"For more pillow talk?"
"Yeah. For more pillow talk."
"Sure, Rox. If that's what you want…" He sighed, "Same time tomorrow, then?"
"Yeah, same time tomorrow…"
"All right then …" He paused, "…Love ya, Rox. Goodnight."
"Yeah …love you, too."
-x-
I woke up on the morning of June 5th feeling like I was the one getting married.
Sora burst into my room in our suite without even knocking, wailing my name as loudly as possible. I hadn't even been up for more than ten minutes and already we were having our first crisis of the morning. When I pushed myself up in bed and out of the sheets to see what Sora's problem was, I instantly cringed at a bright, swollen mark under his left eye and another on his right cheek. Hives.
"You ate the pistachios last night. Didn't you, Sora?"
"They're all over my body." Sora wailed, sitting down on my bed. "On my arms, on my legs. I want to scratch my skin off, Roxas. They itch so badly."
"Jesus Christ, Sora. Didn't I tell you to stop eating the damn cupcakes after your third one?" I got out of bed and instantly reached for my phone on the bedside table, "Have you seen mom?"
"No. I came straight to you."
"What the hell am I going to do?" I asked, scrolling through my contacts list.
"…Well, you're the best man. You're supposed to fix these things."
"I'm not a god damn pharmacy, Sora. Christ." I said. I instantly found our mother's number and dialed her as quickly as possible. Knowing her she was out in the area picking up last minute supplies, "Please, mom… pick up."
"Look, I got a little carried away. I know." Sora muttered as my phone kept ringing, "But, Roxas. They were so good."
"A little? Have you seen your face, Sora? God, this is what you get for being a fatass." I said, hanging up the phone when she didn't pick up. "Dammit. I can't go out and pick up anything right now."
"…There's Riku." Sora said, "He should be on his way to the hotel right now."
"Well why didn't you call him? Why come in here and thrust your disfigurements in my face when I should be on my way to Cloud's room to make sure he's up already?"
Sora huffed, "I'm not disfigured, I—"
Someone began knocking on my door before Sora could finish and I groaned inwardly, "Who is it?"
My little sister poked her head, "Roxas, sorry to bother you. But, I'm looking for mom, I—" She paused when she saw Sora sitting on my bed and her green eyes instantly lit up in a mixture of shock and amusement, "Holy shit, Sora! Look at you!"
"Rikku."
"You idiot, did you eat those cupcakes last night?!" She asked, trying to stifle the laughter that was already building in the back of her throat, "Oh my fucking God, when Cloud sees you he's going to look at you like you're the class moron. I can't believe this. This is gold. Wow, what a way to start off the morning, Sora."
"No, I haven't seen mom. Now get out of here, Rikku and go back to Tifa's suite." I paused, "How did you even get in here to begin with?"
"Cloud let me in." She said, looking behind her as my older brother appeared in the doorway, "Guess that's my cue to leave then. Thanks, Rox. I'll go look for her elsewhere."
Cloud took Rikku's place and looked at me and then at Sora, "It's almost nine." He said.
"I know, I was just about come into your room to make sure you were up." I sighed and gestured at Sora who was still frowning at what Rikku had said, "Then this one came in here screaming his head off."
"I know. That's what woke me up." Cloud said, "…Pistachios?"
"The pistachios." I answered for Sora as he lowered his gaze.
"Hm." Cloud murmured, "We need to get those treated as soon as possible. I can't have you looking a mess today, Sora. …Even though you should know better."
"Well? What do you suggest we do?"
"I know of a few homeopathic remedies, but I need someone to pick up the ingredients." Cloud said, "Roxas, do you think you could run down to the store?"
"Don't you need me here?"
Cloud shook his head, "It won't take long to get ready. And the ceremony isn't until 1PM. Here, I'll write out a list for you…" He glanced at Sora once before leaving, "…Please be more mindful of what you eat next time, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah."
As Cloud wrote down what I needed to pick up, my mother finally called me back to tell me that part of the bridal party had run into some … female … problems … that morning and that she was picking some stuff up for them. Honestly, it was more information that I needed to know. But then again, that was mothers for you.
I texted Axel in the meantime.
Morning already laden with stupidity thanks to Sora :/
9:14AM
I threw on my chucks, dashed out of our hotel suite and down onto 5th Ave in search of a drug store or a super market where I could pick up the crap Cloud had listed for me. I didn't know how long it was going to take me to find straight up aloe vera or ginger under these time constraints, so I told Sora to hop his ass in the shower and submerge himself in some cold water until I came back.
Luckily, Riku picked up his phone halfway into my mad dash around Midtown and knew of a super market nearby that sold the stuff. Meanwhile, I dropped by CVS to pick up antihistamines and baking soda. Axel replied as I soon as I stepped back into The Plaza and headed for the elevator.
Called it XD.
9:43AM
When I returned I found Sora with his legs hanging over the side of a half filled bathtub. Riku was already spooning what looked to be oatmeal into the tub while the faucet ran at the end of the tub. He instantly turned to look at me when he saw me standing in the doorway of the bathroom, "Sounds like you guys already chewed him out enough this morning. I kept my lectures to a minimum." He said.
"I don't think it really matters how much we chew him out, he'll always do something stupid." I sighed, "You got the other stuff?"
"Yeah. It's in the kitchen." Riku replied, dumping more oatmeal into the tub, "I just pulled him out of the shower."
"Good." I sighed and looked down at Sora as Riku dropped one last spoonful of oatmeal onto his head, "The Ardenwells. Always starting festives off with a bang."
"I don't think you guys would have it any other way." Riku deadpanned, setting the bag of oatmeal on the counter behind us.
-x-
A couple of hours later after we had mostly de-hived Sora—and nearly everyone in my family yelled at him—the wedding party was assembled. My mother was taking care of the guests along with Tifa's parents and I knew my little sister was running around the venue along with Tifa's youngest sister, Garnet, because of some nonsense about floral arrangements. Whatever, that wasn't my deal.
I was sitting in the entryway of the main dressing room for the groomsmen fingering the small box in my pocket that contained my brother and Tifa's wedding rings. Leon was standing on the wall opposite me, the same brooding expression on his face as always. Balthier, Irvine and Sora were in the room with Cloud making sure he was put together and Zidane had stepped out to help Garnet and Rikku a little earlier. There was a sharp knock on the door and I looked to Leon as he rose to answer it.
When he opened the door, I saw over his shoulder that it was Tifa's other sister, Rinoa. She smiled at Leon once. Sora had muttered to me that he thought she had a thing for him, but that remained to be seen, "Hey, Squall. Is Cloud in?"
…Squall, huh? Maybe Sora was right after all. I hadn't heard anyone refer to him by that name in ages.
Leon shook his head, "He's busy right now. Why?"
"Mmm…" She pressed a finger against her cheek, "It's… a really important matter and I don't want to bother his mother with it because she's busy with my parents, but… " Rinoa clasped her hands together, "Roxas?"
I looked up and saw her peeking under Leon's arm at me. He stepped aside so she could get a better view of me. "What's wrong?" I asked when I saw her worried expression.
"Could you … come with me for a minute?" She asked, "There's a last minute guest that's shown up and I'm not entirely sure as to how I should handle them."
"Guest?" I questioned, glancing at Leon and then stood up to walk past him, "Let Cloud know I stepped out for a second if he asks where I am?"
Leon nodded wordlessly and let the door shut behind the two of us. After the door closed, Rinoa clasped her hands together and inhaled sharply, "Right, so. Seeing as you're the best man and I'm the maid of honor, this is something we can do … right?"
"Depends." I said, "What's the problem?"
"Your … father is here." Rinoa whispered, leaning closer to me.
"…Is he really?"
"Yes." Rinoa replied, "I think he came in through the back because he didn't come the way the rest of the guests did. I found him close to the Terrace and he pulled me aside to ask where Cloud was."
"So you figure I'm the next best thing?"
"Yes." She glanced over her shoulder, "Do you think you could take care of it?"
I checked my watch. Twenty minutes until show time. I looked back up at Rinoa and nodded, "Take me to where he is."
Rinoa turned around and motioned for me to follow her down the hallway leading back toward the main hall. She paused and then grabbed my hand and led me down a smaller hallway that led to a series of back rooms and the kitchen. She knocked twice on an unmarked door and I heard a familiar gruff voice on the other side.
"Yes."
Rinoa poked her head in and then pushed the door open, "Mr. Ardenwell, I'm sorry but I couldn't get Cloud. But, Roxas was available though…"
"That's fine."
"Right." Rinoa closed the door and whispered, "You think you'll be quick? We're going to start soon."
"I'll be five minutes." I said.
She nodded and probably went scurrying back off to Tifa's side. I took a deep breath, grasped the door knob and opened the door again. You see, a long time ago Cloud …had said he didn't want our father at his wedding. Sure, my mother had protested and pleaded with him that it wasn't right. That was our father; he had the right to be there on a special day that should have been shared with all of us. …But Cloud was obstinate: If he didn't care enough to show up for the engagement dinner, why would he bother to show up for the wedding?
And he was right. Why should he care to show up for the wedding? At this rate my father had missed so many important life events in the lives of all four of his children. Why would he care anymore? Why should he care anymore? Why would we care anymore? Couldn't we just leave him behind as a fading figure that melded in with the background? Why did this man keep coming back when he clearly didn't care?
Maybe it was to see what he had been missing… maybe there was some part of him that was still human despite what all of us had thought. My mother was the last one to place any sort of faith in him, but for his children … that trust? That faith? The wonderment a child has for the person that is supposed to be the protector in their life? …That was already gone.
I'd lost it when he failed to protect me from Xemnas, Cloud had lost it when he left our family at eighteen, Sora had lost it when his relationship with Riku blew up and Rikku lost it when the final stake was nailed into her back with our parents' divorce. He had lost us. He had lost each and every one of us and there was no getting that back no matter how hard he tried.
"…What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Roxas. Not exactly the person I was hoping to see."
"Cloud's busy right now." I said. "I can pass along whatever you have to say to him."
My father turned his steel grey eyes on me, "…Are you his best man, Roxas?"
"Yes. I am."
"Congratulations, that's quite an honor." My father mused. He paced the length of the room and settled himself on the desk, "I came to give my blessing. I thought I could do that much."
How weird of a family dynamic must you have for your own father to feel out of place at their eldest child's wedding? "Is that all?" I asked, "Because we're about to begin soon and I don't think Cloud would be too happy to know that you're here."
"I know." My father said.
"Then why did you come?"
"Foolish idealism I suppose, not that I have much left for this lifetime." He replied, "Roxas, I—"
"Stop." I said, closing my eyes and shaking my head, "Just stop. I don't have time for this. You've said what you had to say and I'll respect your wishes and let Cloud know. Now you should go. There's nothing else for you to say. There's nothing else that you can say that will change anything. I don't think you realize that."
"Roxas, I didn't come here to hurt any of you." My father said, "Not anymore."
"I wish I could believe you, but I don't." I said, "You were supposed to change. Three years ago, you were supposed to change and you didn't. The words came straight from your mouth after you were put on bed rest following that heart attack. You told me that you would place all that you were in my hands because it was too much for you to ask for my forgiveness." I shrugged, "But you know what? I'm tired of this."
"I wasn't lying when—"
"Shut up." I said, "I'm talking. And you're going to listen for once in your life because you never do."
He went silent. Maybe he was ready to listen.
"Do you even know what happened to your ex-wife and children this past autumn and winter? Do you have any idea how much joy Cloud's brought mom with Marlene and Denzel? I mean, have you even seen your grandchildren? Yes. Grandchildren. You have grandchildren. You have a second generation of offspring who won't know who you are."
"That's nonsense and you know it. I've seen Marlene and Denzel."
"Cut the bull. How many times has it been? Once? Like when Tifa first gave birth last July?" I crossed my arms and leaned against the door, "What about Rikku?"
"I was there for her, Roxas."
"Two hours spent putting her up in a fancy room in some hospital doesn't count in comparison to the hours I had to spend making sure she didn't binge and purge herself to death after my birthday." I replied, "What about visiting her in treatment to see how she was progressing? She could have visitors after April. Or let me guess? You just couldn't pull yourself away from work again?"
"None of us knew—"
"I said I was going to speak and you were going to listen." I snapped, getting more and more fed up with every time he interrupted me. "And mom … mom is so happy now. She's no longer sullen and withdrawn. She's got this spark of life I haven't seen in her for years. And why? Why is she like that? I don't want to say your marriage did it to her, but it was. It really was… because for so long she was so demure because of you." I sighed, "And it's not to say that it was completely her fault either. I know both of you had your share of flings, you more than her. And I hate to say it, but considering our family life … I guess it's to be expected."
"And what of you, Roxas?"
"When everything threatened to fall apart, I was the one that held us all together this time." I said, "Remember when there was a time when everyone felt like I was going to off myself in the heat of the moment? It's not like that anymore. It hasn't been that way for quite some time now and … its refreshing. It really is. No matter how much all of this stressed me out, I genuinely felt … relieved to be able to do something for someone for once."
"Well." My father said, "Since you have all the answers Roxas, what do you propose I do?"
"Leave and never come back."
"What?" He asked.
"You heard me. You need to leave." I replied, "Look at what you're doing now. You're forcing yourself into a situation you have no business being in."
"Cloud is my son."
I shook my head, "There you go again missing the point like always. You just don't listen, do you?" I asked again. "He's your son, but he didn't want you here. Don't you think that speaks volumes about what type of relationship he has with you right now? …Cloud's going to be twenty six this year and he's old enough to decide who he wants and who doesn't want in his life." I looked up at my father, "…You need to let everyone come to you. When they're ready. Not when you show up and decide you're ready to be a father again. It just … it just doesn't work that way. You're trying to control the situation like you always do."
"I'm not trying to control anything. I'm trying to show you all that I'm here. When you say I never am, I'm making an attempt to be here for once in my fifty eight years of life, Roxas."
"But you are. You're trying to control it by being here. If you were wanted here, Cloud would have you here. That's what it boils down to and I don't think you see it." I shook my head, "You continuously beat, pound and scream on the door even when it's closed and there's hope of it ever opening. You don't know how to knock. A gentle rasp accompanied by simple, can I please come in? That's all it takes … that's all it takes, dad, and you never do it."
"Roxas, that's enough. I didn't come here for a lecture from a child."
"...And you see, that's all we are to you. Children who could never speak how they felt. Children who were meant to be stifled rather than encouraged. How many times have I said this and you still don't seem to understand? You're so stuck on being the man and the head of the house … but look around you. Everyone left. You don't have a house anymore. Just an empty and hollow cave you try to call home." It was sad. This whole damn situation was so fucking sad, but I didn't have any more tears or words to waste on it anymore. "Now go. Just go before everyone finds out you're here and you ruin this day for everyone including me."
My father shook his head and sighed, "All right, Roxas. I'm done. I'm finished. I'm finished with all of this. You five can do whatever the hell you want because I am done." He turned to look at me, "Just know that one day… maybe not now, maybe not later. But, one day all of you will look back on this and regret it. All of it."
"No…" I said, opening the door and instructing him to leave, "No. For once… for once in my life… I don't think we will."
I don't think I will.
-x-
I returned to my brother's side just before anyone had time to question where I went. As we were lining up and preparing to enter the chapel—venue, whatever you wanted to call it—Rinoa sent me a quick questioning glance and I nodded to her to let her know I'd taken care of whatever had come up. She smiled back at me and then turned around to face the doors again.
The wedding itself was beautiful. The lights were dimmed overhead and white candles littered every possible surface they could find. The archways leading into the venue were swathed in creme and ivory and the ground was padded with a soft, white satin runway leading to the altar where my brother was waiting. My mother and Rikku literally sobbed through most of it and Sora grumbled to me that his handkerchief was ruined when Rikku returned it to him streaked with mascara and red lipstick. We posed for pictures, flowers were thrown and I was pretty much blind from all the flashing lights when the reception rolled around.
I gave my speech about Cloud, recounting our days as children and how he always looked after Rikku, Sora and I and threw in some memorable stories for a little added humor. I was also the first person to officially welcome Tifa to our crazy ass family. I told her I hope she would stay despite how insane things could be at times. People ate, my mother and Cloud's new in-laws got more than a little drunk and I danced with my sister and Tifa's sisters for awhile before I managed to slink off for a minute alone to talk to Axel.
I'd had little chance to talk to him inbetween all the madness that surrounded me that morning and afternoon. But now that things were winding down and the attention was focused solely on Tifa and Cloud, I figured fifteen minutes couldn't hurt much, right?
Rikku walked by me holding Marlene in her arms when she caught me leaving the reception hall, "And just where are you off to?" She asked, bouncing Marlene on her hip.
"Jesus, Rikku." I muttered, "To make a quick phone call. Is that all right with you?"
"I dunno. Depends on who it's to." She glanced at my phone and the way I was clutching it. "Lemme guess… a certain man with crazy red hair who basically dwarfs you in height? Hm? Am I right?"
"Yes, I'm calling Axel. Now could you please go away?"
"Fine, fine. I know when I'm not wanted." My niece babbled away in her arms and she kissed her on the cheek, causing Marlene to shriek happily, "Come on, Marlene. Uncle Roxas is being a bonehead and trying to call his boyfriend so let's leave them alone, shall we?"
I turned around and walked away, trying to find a vacant room of some sort to make my phone call in when I spotted Cloud and Leon talking just outside the double doors of the venue. I tried to get out of sight, but Cloud caught me immediately and turned to look at me.
"Roxas, come here?"
Crap. I walked up to Cloud, phone grasped in my hand as if I were about to crush it. He nodded to Leon who left us alone and turned back down the hallway toward the reception hall, "…Yes?"
"Who did you see earlier today?"
Fuck. Was that what they were talking about?
Cloud glanced at Leon's retreating form, "Leon says Rinoa came by earlier to talk to me before the wedding. That there was a discrepancy with a guest?"
"Yeah…" I said, "…I took care of it, though."
"Who was it though?" Cloud asked. When I was mum on answering he sighed, "Roxas. I won't be mad. Just tell me who it was."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Our father." I said, "He came back to give you his … blessing."
I saw his eyes cloud over in thought, "Was that all?"
"He seemed intent on staying. I made him leave." Cloud still seemed to be processing what I was saying so I continued, "He thought he belonged here and I told him he wasn't helping his relationship with any of us by forcing his way in. He said we would regret forcing him out … I told him we wouldn't."
"…Did you really?"
"Yes." I said, "Cloud… everything that happened here today is a new beginning for you. And as your best man, isn't it my job to make sure everything goes smoothly? To make sure someone doesn't ruin it? That's all I was doing…"
I thought I saw a hint of a smile cross Cloud's face, "I guess I made the right choice then, huh? I wouldn't have been angry if I saw him though. But, I'm glad you took care of that for me either way." He reached into his back pocket, "I have something for you, Roxas. I was waiting for the right moment to give it to you, and I guess this is it."
"What is it?" I asked as he slid a white envelope into my hands.
"Nothing big. I just like to keep tabs on the things that make my siblings happy." He replied.
I slid my finger under the fold and opened it and pulled out a thin, folded piece or paper. As I unfolded it I realized what it was immediately. "…An airplane ticket confirmation?"
"Yes." He said, "And to where?"
"To …" My eyes drifted to the bottom of the page, "…Cloud, this is for California."
"You said Axel couldn't be here because of a scheduling conflict but said nothing else of the matter." Cloud replied as I folded the paper back over in my hand and lowered my gaze. Had my older brother really … did he really… "…I did a little research. There's a concert today, Roxas. You never miss Axel's concerts if you can help it."
"…Cloud."
He looked down at his watch, "Axel shouldn't go on until about nine and it's ... about one o'clock in California now. …If you leave now you should be able to make your flight. Just barely, might I add."
"There's no way I'll make it to the airport in time." I said, looking at my own watch. The flight was for 5:30PM. It was almost 4:15PM.
"It'll take you fifteen minutes to get from here to LaGuardia if traffic's good." Cloud said, "And the longer you stick around here talking to me, the more likely you're going to miss your flight. Now get going."
"Cloud, are you—"
"Roxas." He said, "It's fine. It's more than okay. You spent enough time making sure everyone else was okay today. Now it's time for you to be happy, all right? Now, go. There's bound to be a taxi out there already waiting for you. I won't have you wasting any more time. I'll let everyone know you had something to take care of, okay? Go enjoy yourself."
I wanted to resist the urge to hug my brother, but I couldn't. He swatted me away as quickly as I had hugged him and I turned on my heel, nearly broke down the front door of The Plaza and ran out onto 5th Ave. I was greeted with a rush of paparazzi and fought through the throng so a taxi could almost fly into me and kill me when I ran out onto the street. But, I didn't care. I don't know, I'd become possessed by something. Something that was screaming at me and spiking my adrenaline to the point where I knew that I would kill something if I didn't make this flight.
Sure, I was disappointed about missing Axel's concert that night because of my brother's wedding. But, I'd stifled those feelings and pushed them down for the sake of my brother and his day. I wasn't going to let it bother me because I couldn't do anything about it. But here I was in the backseat of a cab, hands gripping restlessly at worn leather seats as I thought about how quickly the night had turned around in the span of five minutes.
Cloud was right. I made it to LaGuardia in the span of twenty minutes, thanks to traffic. After checking in I nearly ran my way through security and got to my gate with nearly a half an hour to spare. …So much for not making it for my flight. I took a seat near the attendant's desk by the gate and bent over in the seat with my head in my hands as I tried to catch my breath.
"Well. Aren't you Ardenwells popping up everywhere today?"
I looked up, ready to curse out whoever the fuck it was when I saw clown hair almost as red as Axel's and an obnoxious grin that nearly rivaled his. "…Reno? What are you doing here?"
"Could ask you the same thing." Reno said as he sat down in the seat next to me, "Heard there's a wedding going on today, huh? Your brother was it? The news wouldn't stop going on about it. My congratulations, of course. May he find everlasting joy in such a repugnant, institution of hell."
"That doesn't answer the question."
"You first, short man." Reno said, kicking his legs up and crossing them, "Why aren't you at the wedding? Did you run away? I know I sure as hell would have."
I sighed, "It's a long story."
"I've got time." Reno replied. He glanced down at me, "You're going to see my little bro, ain't ya?"
"It's my brother's wedding day… and I'm his best man. Who else would be important enough to pull me away from my family at a time like this?"
"Wow, important, huh? Axel never told me you felt that way about him." Reno teased, "So what happened? You told your family you had enough and you were skipping town on them? I know you lot aren't the most … what's the word … functional bunch, are you?"
"If you must know, my brother was the one who sent me on my way."
"Huh?"
"He told me I'd done enough for everyone today and that it was my turn to be happy." I murmured. Though I surmised that there was more behind Cloud's words than he meant. When he said I'd done enough for today ... I don't think he meant just for the wedding. It'd been for everything that I had put up with since my mother and father told us that they were divorcing and everything fell out of balance with my family again, "Anyway. I never miss a concert if I can help it."
"So you are like a loyal little puppy. Called it, yo."
"…Excuse me?"
"Nothin, nothin." Reno waved a hand at me and leaned back to glance up at the plane gate, "Where ya sitting by the way?"
"First class." I answered.
"Cool, I'll probably be near you so we can talk. Stupid long ass flight." He closed his eyes, "As for me, I was checking up on Avo and our mother."
"…Are they talking?"
"Who? My ma and Axel?" Reno asked, as he tipped his sunglasses back over his nose. "Nah, but, I won't harass Axel about it anymore. I'll give it time. Maybe he'll come around. He's always been stubborn but maybe there's room for the two of them to reconcile. Who knows. That's Axel's deal. I can't meddle it anymore than I already have."
"Hm. No, you can't"
"You tried, huh?"
"It's best I don't get involve anymore. Things kind of blew up in my face when they did."
"Yeah, well. Like Avo says. Just smack him upside the head with some kitchen utensils a couple of times and he'll get his shit together. It always worked in the past, probably'll work now." Reno lowered his legs from off the chair and sat up, "Anyway, let's get going. I think I just heard the call for us to start boarding."
I watched Reno get up, effectively ending our conversation right there. I glanced down at the boarding pass I'd removed from my pocket and looked up at Reno again who was on his way over to the attendant by the gate. What had Axel told me on my birthday three months ago? Think of it in terms of changing tides in the ocean. Its high tide right now. You're being swarmed with too much. The surface is being covered with a ton of shit that you're finding difficult to handle right now. Well, he was right about that back then.
"Roxas. Get your butt over here."
But you know what? After tonight, I think I was starting to see the shore again.