((NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME! They belong to Richelle Mead.))
"Ah, Roza! Mizzez Belikoooooffffff!" Dimitri called across the room, shot glass in his hand. I had just exited the bathroom after composing myself, and he was already trying to break said composure.
As is the Russian tradition, my new husband had celebrated our wedding with several shots of vodka. He hadn't wanted to originally, but after persistent requests from his family, he caved.
Unfortunately for me, unlike most Russians, he couldn't hold his vodka very well.
My six-foot god had turned into a drunken ballerina, demanding the DJ put on more Tchaikovsky so that he could twirl around and fall into the punch bowl again.
Most people were getting a hoot out of this, but I couldn't stand to see my image of perfection being shattered before my eyes.
Well, at least he was a happy drunk.
"Er…Hi, Dimitri." I gave a short little wave.
He called something out in extremely slurred Russian, and it took him a few seconds to understand that I didn't understand him at all. "Poultry crashes sexually fried feetsu SODA!" It sounded very similar to what he had said in Russian, only with English words.
"He's trying to say, 'Get your sexy ass over here'," Viktoria whispered in my ear.
"He's failing horribly at it." I groaned and face palmed myself.
Viktoria giggled. "Heh. Reminds me when he was a small boy, trying to learn English."
"Well, I better get over there before he says something else embarrassing." I started to walk to him.
Then he yelled something in Russian and everyone Russian burst out laughing. I whirled around and raised an eyebrow to Viktoria, who was trying not to laugh. "He…he told you-HAHAHAHA…to suck his…HAHAHAHA…oh my God…" She didn't finish, but I got what the next word was going to be.
I lied, not every Russian was laughing. Yeva was beating on him with our wedding gift and swearing at him in Russian.
I made my way over there, trying not to look embarrassed. When I got within non-yelling distance, Yeva turned to me and sighed. "A Russian that can't hold his vodka! I think I should've tested him instead of you."
Dimitri was giving me a dopey grin. "Ho titties vodkeeey?"
Olena, now past the laughter and onto embarrassment, rushed past me. "Oh my boy, my poor little boy…" She began to drag Dimitri out, but he stayed where he was.
"Mama! You never let me do anything FUUUUUN!" He started to cry. I was impressed he managed to speak fluent English.
"Oh Dimka…" Olena put her face in her hands.
Yeva smacked him again. "Grown men don't cry!"
He looked at me with a childish pout on his lips. "Roooozaaaaahhh!" He then said something in Russian I couldn't comprehend.
"Rose isn't on your side, either."
Dimitri stomped his foot and began to cry harder. But then, for some reason, a western-style song came on. Dumbass DJ. Dimitri's eyes lit up and he knocked me to the ground, riding me like a horse. Except it looked like he was dry humping me, what with his hands on my shoulders and the thrust-like motions and all."Wheeeee! I'MA COWBOY! Giddyup, ROZAAAA!"
I tried pushing him off, but even drunk, he was strong. Or maybe stronger than usual, I don't know how drunkness works with Russians.
It took my mother, Abe, and two guardians to get him off. He started crying. Again.
Lissa hadn't been able to make it through the crowd as easily as I could, but finally she broke through to save the day.
This cheered him up, it even made him stop struggling against the two guardians holding him upright. "LISSAAAA!" He said something in extremely slurred Russian, which made Yeva smack him again.
"You have a wife, you idiot!"
He spoke more Russian. I recognized the word for "three" in there. This caused Yeva to stop with the present-beating and giving him a kick square in between his legs.
"Maybe if it hurts enough you'll stop thinking with it!"
Lissa was twitching, horrified. I had managed to get myself up and was now beside Lissa, trying to do…something.
"Lissa! I'm so so sorry…"
She was speechless. "Rose, whatever you do, don't ever get him drunk again. Ever."
"Yeah, I kn-"
I waited for her to stop looking like a psychopath to speak again. "Can you, um, do something about him?"
"No, unfortunately. It's more of a bodily than spiritual thing. He'll have to stay the six-foot-seven cowboy ballerina until he passes out."
Dimitri had managed to break free and had taken all of his clothes off. "ROOOZAAA! LIIIISSSAAAA!" He started dancing around without a stitch of clothing on him. I turned away.
"I'm going to be traumatized for life for seeing that," Lissa managed to croak out.
"Hey, at least he's hot."
Adrian managed to join the party, some sort of fancy drink in his hand. "I bet you wish you had picked me now, Rose! I can handle my booze!" He laughed and ran off.
In the meantime, Yeva and Olena had been trying to get his clothes back on…to no avail. He was now streaking through the party screaming, "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME! I'M THE GREAT COWBOY DIMITRI! YAAAAAAAY!"
"Is he gone now?" Lissa asked, eyes still shut in the case Dimitri ran that way.
I groaned. "Yes. He's off traumatizing others now."
"I feel so sorry for you, Rose."
"Yeah. This is going to be a long night."
((I had a lot of fun writing this. I hope you had a lot of fun reading this. :D))