"What's wrong Hayate?"
"I know this might sound like a weird question, but… where are we?"
"Huh… what are you talking about? We are in the mansion like always."
"I know that, I'm talking about 'where', I mean there is no animation or voices so it's not the anime, nor are there drawings, panels or speech bubbles so it's not the manga either; it's just words everywhere…"
"Maybe they decided to adapt us into a light novel?"
"I thought about that, but there are no random illustrations filled with action scenes or fan service anywhere to be seen."
"You're right… this layout… I think I recognize it… I know! Hayate, we must be in a fan fiction."
"Fan fiction, stories written by our fans to express their love for the original material."
"Oh I see… that's great Milady!"
"Yeah, but this one's weird…"
"What do you mean?"
"Usually there is disclaimer on top of the page mentioning how the author doesn't own anything related to the material he's writing about."
"Isn't that kind of obvious Milady? I mean if the author owned us he wouldn't have to write fan fiction in the first place."
"Yeah, it's mainly a formality but it's still weird not to see it… better to write one just in case."
Disclaimer: The author of this story does not own Hayate the combat butler or any other property mentioned or referenced on it.
"Good… I also notice that there doesn't seem to be an introduction, you know, one little paragraph where the narrator explains that I'm the owner of the Sanzenin state where we are now and that you're my debt ridden butler."
"Speaking about that Milady… where is the narrator? I don't read him anywhere."
"You're right… maybe the author was so poor he couldn't hire one?"
"But then what are we supposed to do? How is the story going to advance with just dialog?"
"Hmmm… I got an idea! See this book I conveniently found lying around in the living room? It seems to be the script of this fic, so I'm going to become the narrator and tell this story."
"Milady, I don't think that's a good idea."
Too late Hayate, notice how my dialog isn't written between double quotes anymore? That means I'm the narrator.
"I see, but how am I supposed to distinguish between your dialog and the narration if they are written with the same style?"
I don't know… try to read the context or something, it's what most people do with those extremely popular novels that use this style.
"But isn't that kind of…"
Stop it Hayate! Last time I said something about that girl my popularity dropped like crazy, so it's better if you just leave it alone.
"I see… well then… congratulations Milady! What shall we do now?"
Well, give me a second to read a few pages of this thing and we'll start, lets just put a public service announcement until then:
Hayate: "Remember kids, when reading fan fiction always do so in a bright room and keep a safe distance between your eyes and the monitor."
Maria: "And if your eyes are getting tired, try adjusting the page settings, like the size, style and spacing of the text or invert the color scheme."
Nagi: Got that?
Ok done with the reading, now with the title:
Nagi and Hayate's great adventure.
Nah, too generic.
Nagi's fanfiction of Awesomeness.
That'll do, anyway… 'clears throat' It all started on a regular day in the Sanzenin state; currently my debt ridden butler Ayasaki Hayate was having a conversation with the house's maid and my favorite person in the whole world Maria about this mansion resident couch potato… hey I'm not a couch potato!
"Hayate kun, I'm worried about Nagi, she barely goes out the house anymore and that's not a good thing for a girl her age."
"But Maria san, we've tried hundreds of things already with no success… by the way Milady isn't the dialog on this thing a little weird?"
Hayate stop breaking the 4th wall! The story already began!
Just stick to the script ok.
"Ok, sorry… "
"Who are you talking to Hayate kun?"
"Huh? I was talking to Milady of course…"
"But Nagi isn't here with us."
"What do you mean? She's right here… wait, where is she?"
Hayate, I'm not in this scene remember; you can read me only because I'm the narrator.
"Ah ok… Sorry Maria san please forget what I said, I just had a little mental lapse."
"No problem Hayate kun, as I was saying, I think Nagi would be more willing to go outside if you asked her out more often."
"What do you mean Maria san? I've taken Milady for a few walks through the city and they didn't seem to work."
"Yeah, but when I say 'ask her out' I mean it like a date, you know maybe a little romantic even."
Hayate was suddenly speechless… not that I can blame him, I mean to have a date with me, what a dream come true.
"But Maria san, wouldn't that make me a criminal?"
"Don't be silly Hayate kun, you're both minors so it's ok, plus it's not like you're asking her out for real, we only have to make her think that it is until she gets used to being outside."
Seriously, what a disappointment… anyway, Hayate gave the idea some thought for a second before nodding.
"Ok Maria san, this idea is kind of out of character for you, but I think it's worth a shot, let's give it a try."
Then Hayate walked to the room where his beautiful master was… wait Hayate, don't open that door! DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!
"Milady I've come to ask you for…"
I was currently completely naked because I was changing my pajamas when Hayate came into the room; I tried to hide myself while he just didn't react at all, just like he always does when this happens… jerk.
Kyaaah! Stupid Hayate, why don't you knock before entering?
"Sorry Milady, I didn't know you were changing and…"
Just close the door already!
Hayate quickly closed the door and waited for me to come outside, which I did after I finish changing.
Seriously Hayate, couldn't you read I was warning you to not open the door!
"But Milady you told me to follow the script and I did."
Yeah I guess you're right… listen, from now you're allowed to improvise if I tell you, ok?
"But Milady, we should respect the Author's vision and try to follow the script as close as possible."
Ok, ok… if you enjoyed seeing me naked thanks to an extremely clichéd plot device so much, then you can do as you wish… pervert!
Hayate sweat dropped after my perfect rebuttal "Anyway… let's just continue with the story, shall we?"
Ok… what do you want Hayate?
"I was wondering if you would be interested in going out on a date with me."
I blushed like crazy and stuttered to answer him… but Hayate, how bold of you to ask your master out in… a… a… a… date!
"Well Milady if you don't want too then…"
No… it's ok, if you want to go out with me that much then I guess as your master I should reward you for your loyalty.
"Wait a minute Milady, that dialog doesn't sound like you… it's more like something that pink haired void mage from that other series would say."
Yeah I know… but since our voices are really similar, some people mix our characters and write us as if we were exactly alike, the same thing happens with the girl with the blazing hair and the palmtop tiger; I'm not particularly fond of that, but I've kind of gotten used to it already.
"But that's no good, it's true you all share the same character type, but that doesn't mean there aren't any differences between you, for an example you're not violent and…"
Just leave it Hayate, some people just can't look past the stereotype… 'Sigh' oh well… where are you planning on taking me?
"Well the script says I can choose between an anime convention that's conveniently taking place right now, a simple walk through the city with a movie and a romantic dinner or a water park…? Wait a minute why would we go to a water park?"
Take a guess…
"But what's the point of fan service in a fan fiction, it's not like we can show an image of a girl wearing a bikini."
No, but we can give people the mental image of it… especially with three paragraph descriptions of every girl we find like there are on the script, look…
"Hinagiku was all sweaty wearing a skin tight micro red bikini that made her look like she was about to… ok, I get the point… If it is like that then I bet there is also a scene where I accidentally enter a room full of changing girls and they chase me out by throwing random stuff at me."
Two actually, there's also one where a sudden wave comes out of nowhere and unties the tops of every girl on the pool and for some reason you're the only male around to witness it, so we chase you out by throwing random stuff at you, only to be attacked by a giant octopus a few seconds later… and you can probably guess what happens then.
"Ok… so that leaves the anime convention or the movie and dinner, which one you prefer Milady?"
I'll take the movie and dinner thank you, you know I don't like places with too much people and if you change the micro bikinis for semi erotic costumes and the sudden wave for a little earthquake, then the anime convention route it's pretty much the same as the water park one.
"Perfect, let's go Milady."
With pleasure, go get the bike and the cart while I wait for you in front of the house.
"But Milady, if we're going on a date then that means we're equals, I can't act like your butler."
I guess you're right; shall I call for a ride then?
"No, let's just walk; it's sunny today so it'd be a waste to go by car."
Ok Hayate, if you say so… and so we begin our horrible ordeal, walking through a long, endless desert for hours without water or food, my body began to…
"Milady, could you please stop being so dramatic? We've only been walking for five minutes and we're still in the garden."
But I'm tired… I don't get it what's the point of having a garden so big? It only makes going out of the house harder and our surveillance and maintenance cost higher since its more terrain to cover.
Hayate sweat dropped "I've been asking about that for some time myself Milady, anyway shall we continue?"
But Hayate, I'm tired…
"Well if you don't want to go outside I suppose we could cancel the date and go back to the house…"
No, its ok I'll walk… 'Chuckle' Hey Hayate you're not going to believe what happens next.
"What could it be Milady?"
It says here that now Tama appears on scene and talks to you while I'm distracted… can you believe that Hayate? A tiger talking like a real person and walking on two legs… the author of this thing must be crazy.
"Yeah… maybe he is…"
Anyway, now Tama suddenly got close to Hayate from behind and talked to him while I was distracted for some reason… hey look a butterfly!
"How shameful, to think that a butler would trick his master like that, you disappoint me kid."
"Tama! Don't sneak on me like that, plus if you talk so close to Milady like that she'll notice you."
"Nah don't worry, she's been conveniently distracted by the plot so we can talk all we want and she'll only snap out of it when we're done."
Come back here pretty butterfly!
"Ok, if you say so… so what do you want?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to appear on this thing… my screen time is pretty limited as it is so I thought I could get a few lines or something before going back to sleep."
"I see, well goodnight then."
"Ok, good luck to you too."
As Tama was leaving, I conveniently snapped out of whatever was distracting me and noticed him. Tama, what are you doing here? I know you must have noticed I was in trouble and came to rescue me, how sweet!
"So it seems Milady, I bet he wants you to ride him until the gates of the mansion."
"Sure, look how happy he is."
To be honest he looks more like he's trying to run away… but whatever, anyway can we do that? I mean you know since we're equals and stuff it's not fair for me to ride Tama and not you.
"I think we can overlook that this time, plus it's only until the gates, once outside we're on our own."
Ok Hayate, I quickly hopped on top of Tama and happily rode him towards the gates; once there we had to leave him behind and I conveniently got distracted again so he could say a few words to Hayate… hey look it's that butterfly again!
"My back, it hurts! You'll pay for this debt ridden butler."
"Yeah Tama, thanks for carrying Milady around, I'm sure she appreciates it… goodbye."
"Bye, don't forget to leave your door open when you sleep…"
After that Tama and that beautiful butterfly went away so we got outside the mansion.
Well Hayate, we're outside now, what should we do?
"Now we take a bus to get to the theater Milady."
A bus? What's that?
"It's kind of a big car that gives rides to people for a small fee."
Ah, so you're talking about one of those public limos I read about in a manga once.
"I guess you could say that… there is one right now, let's go in Milady."
Sure… man talk about a crappy limo; oh well I suppose they had to remove the fridge and all the other cool stuff to let more people in… anyway, me and Hayate boarded the limo and seated in a place near the back…
"Milady, it's going to be kind of a long trip, like about half an hour, so in the mean time you can…"
Zzzzzz Zzzzz Zzzzzz
"She fell asleep, well I better make sure she's comfortable, wouldn't want her to get neck pain in the middle of a date."
So then Hayate moved his arm around my back so my head would rest on his shoulder.
"Milady, how can you keep narrating if you're asleep?"
That's a really good question Hayate, it's kind of complicated so I'll explain it to you during the time skip, let me just write the sign…
About half an hour later.
…And that's how I can keep narrating even when I'm asleep.
"I see, that makes perfect sense Milady, kind of obvious when you think about it."
I know, I was surprised too when I first found out.
"Ok, but it's time to wake up, we've arrived at our destination."
Perfect… 'Yawn' Hayate, are we there yet?
"Yep, time to get up Milady."
Ok… it was then when I noticed just how close my face was to Hayate's and quickly moved away embarrassed. Stupid Hayate! Taking advantage that I fell asleep just to get close to me.
"Sorry, shall we get out of the bus then."
We got out of the limo and walked near the theater where we were going to watch the movie.
"Well, here we're Milady, the biggest theater in the whole city."
Really… it's smaller than the one back home.
"I meant public theater Milady."
Oh I see… it's pretty I guess. But as we were preparing to enter we heard a familiar voice coming from behind.
"Hayate sama, Nagi!"
Huh? We turned around and found one of my friends. Isumi, what are you doing here? And more importantly why are you wearing beach clothes?
"Well I was walking towards the water park so I could make my cameo and then I found you guys here."
As she said that Hayate got closer to me so he could whisper. "Milady, Isn't the water park at the other side of the city?"
I whispered back. Yeah, it's amazing how the only way to make her get somewhere without getting lost is sending her the opposite way. Anyway, sorry Isumi, we're not doing the water park route but the movie and dinner one.
"Eh… really? Man you guys are boring!"
Right behind Isumi another one of my friends appeared. Saku… you're wearing beach clothes too? And what's with that bag? It's at least two times bigger than you are.
"Or course I am, how was I supposed to know you guys would pick the most boring route of them all? Now what am I going to do with this bag full of random stuff to throw at your butler when he sees me changing?"
Not my problem, by the way what happened with your accent?
"Don't know, I'm guessing the author didn't know how to write it in English… man what an amateur, I mean what's with this fic with no fourth wall? This thing is so first season of the anime; hasn't he read the newest manga chapters? Hayate is serious business now! Go write this on the Gintama board you freak!"
(Opinions shared by the characters of the HnG cast are not in any way representative of the authors´ or any other person involved in the creation of this story, so they won´t be held responsible for any of the views expressed during the writing of this fic… PD: Gintama rules!)
What was that?
"What was what Milady?"
You mean you didn't sense something weird just now.
"Nope, I have no idea of what you're talking about milady."
Eh… nothing, forget I said anything, let's move on with the story. Yeah, yeah… whatever Saku, anyway, we're going to the theater right now, care to join us?
"But Milady I thought you wouldn't want somebody else joining us in our date."
But Hayate we have to keep it a secret… I'm not entirely sure why because the script doesn't say so, but we have to ask them to join us so they won't become suspicious.
"Ok as you say so Milady."
So anyway, glaring plot hole aside, Saku looked at us suspiciously.
"Are you sure… I wouldn't want to but in your date."
I blushed and stuttered when I answered her.
"What… What are you talking about Saku, this is not a date, we were just going to…"
But fortunately for me I was interrupted by yet another character in a pointless cameo.
"You guys what are you doing here?"
"Wataru san? And Saki san too? What are you doing here…? I'm guessing by your beach clothes that you thought we took the water park route so you should be going there."
"Waka sama thought we should come here to help Isumi san get to the water park."
I see how thoughtful of him…
"Milady, why does Saki san calls Wataru san by his Japanese title? I mean I've been calling you Milady instead of Ojousama since the beginning, so I thought we were using the English ones."
Hayate, we've been on this story for like 9 MS word pages already; you should know better than to expect consistency from this thing.
He sweat dropped.
"I guess you're right Ojou… I mean Milady."
Anyway after that Saku got behind Wataru and spoke to him.
"Hehe, how nice of you; helping out poor Isumi find her way towards fan service, are you sure it's not because you wanted to see her in a swimsuit?"
Wataru got terribly embarrassed and blushed.
"What are you saying? Stupid!"
"Wataru san how dirty!"
"Ahh! Waka sama is having shameful thoughts!"
"No, this is just a mis…"
As this clichéd scene was taking place, I felt Hayate touching my shoulder and then he quietly guided me towards the theater.
"Anyway Milady, now we can go to the movies without interruptions."
Nice Hayate! You must really be eager to go on this date with me… oh who am I kidding I know why you're doing this…
"Cheer up Milady! I know you don't like knowing the true motives of the story, but the least we can do is enjoy it."
I guess you're right.
"Of course! Let's pick the movie so we can get the tickets then."
What do you mean? Don't we just go into the theater and pop in the Blu-ray we want to see?
"Nope, here they have different screening rooms showing several movies and we have to pick the one we want to see before entering."
I see, what are they showing then?
"Let's see? They're showing the movie about the disappearance of…"
Nah, have it on Blu-ray and DVD just like everyone should.
"Ok, they're also showing the live action adaptation of…"
"But I haven't even told you…"
I said NO!
"Ok ok Milady, the only other thing is the Disney movie marathon they're running… I don't get it, why should we go to the theater to see them if we can own all of them now on Disney DVD and Blu-ray for a super cheap price…"
What's with the shameless plug Hayate?
"Nothing Milady, I just thought that if we gave them free publicity they wouldn't sue us for using their name without permission."
That makes sense, well I admit I'm not a big fan of them, but those movies are always entertaining, so why not?
"Ok then, the one they're showing today is 'The Emperor's New Groove', how… oddly appropriate."
"You haven't seen it Milady?"
Nope, like I said I'm not a big fan, so I might have missed a movie or two.
"Ok then it's decided, let's go get the tickets."
Meanwhile in the theater's snack shop, a thieving hamster was buying provisions.
"I want some popcorn, a few candy bars, a bag of chips, a pack of nachos with cheese, a hot dog and a diet coke please!"
"Right away miss!"
"Truly the best thing about the movies is the food!" Smiles and makes a thumps up.
Man, Saku's right, this fanfic is so first season of the anime it hurts.
"What's wrong Milady."
Nothing, let's go into the screening room shall we?
One hour, fifteen minutes and eleven seconds of pure fun later:
That was the best movie ever.
"So did you like it Milady?"
Like it? I loved it! I actually expected the usual with a bunch of misplaced songs and a corny story, but instead it seems that they just scraped all that and tried to make everything as funny as they could… and it was glorious!
"Wonderful Milady, glad to see you liked it; shall we head to the restaurant now?"
Sure let's go.
And so we took a taxi towards the most exclusive and expensive restaurant in the whole city.
"Speaking about that Milady, are you sure it's ok for us to just go there without reservations?"
Don't worry about that, there shouldn't be any trouble at all; I mean that place it's mine anyway.
"Oh I see… well here we are."
Yeah let's go in… but as we were entering we were interrupted by… you guessed it more characters in pointless cameos.
"Hey! Who's making a pointless cameo?"
"We're being underestimated."
"I think Nagi chan is just mad because we're going to interrupt her date with Hayata kun."
Great, of all the people to make pointless cameos it had to be the student council trio… oh well let's just get on with this… Who's on a date with him? We just decided to give Maria a day off and eat out for a change of pace.
"Ah I see, no wonder I thought it was weird."
And together with the trio was the great, the only and the one that'll probably end up being my future boss if she isn't already… Hinagiku!
Applause and whistling.
"Knock that off, it's embarrassing!"
Not as much as that Naga (from Slayers) costume you're wearing… actually why are you wearing that?
More whistling and camera flashes.
She got embarrassed with the cutest of gestures and tried to cover herself.
"What do you mean 'why'? It's an anime convention; we were all supposed to cosplay!"
What do you mean? We took the movie and dinner route, I thought you guys knew since those three are on their regular clothes.
Suddenly the student council trio sweat dropped in unison as a really dark aura began to appear around Hina.
"You told me you were cosplaying three characters from a popular anime."
"Well Hina it's true I mean… we're popular aren't we?"
"Wait Hina, if you punish us right now you'll miss the chance to show your costume to Hayata kun, that's what we came here for remember?"
Then just as sudden as it appeared, the dark aura quickly changed to a deep blush all over her face.
Applause and some otakus yell 'Hinagiku MOE!' in the background.
"Ah! What do you… hey wait a minute, where's Nagi and Hayate kun?"
"Huh? What do you mean they were right… here?"
"But how? Nagi chan was talking to us just a few… wait a minute, why weren't there double quotes around her dialog?"
"And why is the narration so poor? You can't even tell which one of us is supposed to be speaking…"
Meanwhile in an unspecified burger joint far away from there.
"Hey that's no fair!"
"And after we went through so much trouble to get her to wear that Naga costume!"
"Yeah, come back here so we can finish our cameos!"
Me and Hayate were finishing our meals and getting ready to go for a walk.
"That was kind of dirty Milady, abusing you narrator powers to trick them and leave them behind."
He sweat dropped while I just let out a chuckle.
No problem Hayate, this is just a fanfic so it's not like it is canon or anything, just relax and enjoy it.
"As you say so Milady, but how did we get to this burger joint so fast? I mean that conversation didn't even last a minute but we're already done with the food."
Well Hayate… 'You got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.' man I've been waiting ever since we left the theater to say that line.
"I see you really liked the movie Milady."
Yeah, it was great… well then shall we go Hayate, we still have an event to cover on the script.
We got out of the restaurant and began to walk through the city, covered by the sweet moonlight a setting that could only be more romantic if this was a real date.
"Milady, could you drop that already? I'm sorry the script forced me to lie to you, but you can't deny that it has been fun so far."
Yeah, well... shall we go home now?
"But wasn't there another event on the script?"
'Blush' But Hayate… this… this is a T rated fanfiction. 'Blushes even redder.' We can't do that…
"What do you mean Milady?"
"Ok let me see… 'Then Hayate took Nagi into a love hotel and… he… and then she… 'OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS MILADY?"
Hayate 'Sobbing' I thought that place was meant for stuff to come out, not to go in.
'Crying' and I thought you weren't supposed to drink that other stuff either.
"Ok Milady that's enough! We don't follow this script anymore, I mean who wrote this crap?"
'Still sobbing' it's at the top of the page.
'Both look at the top of the page and click the profile.'
Man, talk about jumping the shark.
"Do you know him Milady?"
Yeah, I liked his other fics but this one it's just bad and to think it's his first one on our section… stop writing this crap and go back to work on your ongoing stories you lazy bum!
"Nevermind him Milady, would you be so kind to destroy this horrible thing?"
With pleasure… Hayate threw the script into a conveniently located water puddle, then it caught fire for no apparent reason, was hit by several stray meteors that fell in that exact same spot, thorn apart by radioactive ants, got bombarded by gamma rays, got stomped by a bunch of environmental activist that noticed the cover was made of leather and finally the whole thing just stopped existing altogether.
"Wow! That almost never happens Milady."
Just making sure it was destroyed properly, shall we go home?
"As you wish."
Don't mind if I do… then Magical Destroy appeared to take us home after the incredible fight against godzill…
'Sigh' Yeah yeah, we took a taxi and got back home in a few minutes, then we got into the mansion, you reported to Maria that her plan failed and nearly backfires yadda yadda yadda and then we were in my room while I was getting ready to sleep (read as: play Monster Hunter).
"You know you didn't have to rush the story so much Milady."
Leave it, I'm tired and nothing interesting was going to happen anyway.
"Yeah well Goodnight Milady, don't stay up too late."
Then as Hayate was leaving I grabbed his sleeve and stopped him.
Hayate… do you think… that I was a good narrator?
"Well it's true you didn't have a good script to work with, but I think you did a great job!"
But… you're just saying that because you're my butler.
"No really, I mean look at our readers, they haven't hit back on their browsers yet, so that means they found this interesting."
But… that doesn't mean they liked it…
"Then I guess there's no way to find out unless they write reviews or add this fic to their favorites…"
Hayate, stop breaking the 4th wall to ask for reviews… it make us look desperate!
"But Milady, I think you did a good job and you deserve some feedback for it, after all a few minutes of their time can help you raise you self esteem and become a better person for…"
Stop it Hayate, I said it's embarrassing!
"Ok Milady… "
There was a few seconds of silence before he spoke again.
"Well then I shall be going Milady."
Yeah, goodnight Hayate.
"Good night Milady, I hope you have nice dreams and that this is only a one shot."
Hope you're right.
It's that it?
"So it would seem Milady."
I don't know, maybe I'm asking to much from this thing, but I feel like something's missing.
"Something like what exactly?"
I don't know, usually this kind of fics always end with a shocker or a moment of heartwarming or you know… something more than a simple goodnight.
"Well… how about this?" Kisses Nagi on the forehead.
´Blush´ Hayate~! What are you… ´Blushes badly.´
"Well that was both shocking and heartwarming, so I think it qualifies."
Well… yeah… I think… 'blushes to the maximum' let's just end this already!
"As you wish Milady... Bye everyone thanks for reading!"