A/N: This little idea popped into my head after watching Life of Brian again. I do so love the genius that is Monty Python.

Some of the writing was taken directly from the third Harry Potter book (I own none of it!), though some of it has been slightly changed around.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the knight with the rubber chicken from Monty Python.

No Mad Axe Men

"My dears! Which of you left his seat first? Which?" Professor Trelawney exclaimed, looking extremely concerned.

"Dunno." Ron said, shooting Harry an uneasy glace.

"I doubt it will make much difference, unless a mad axe-man is waiting outside the doors to slaughter the first into the entry hall." Professor McGonagall said coldly.

There was a round of chuckles, even including Ron, while Professor Trelawney looked highly affronted.

After Hermione told them she wanted a word with Professor McGonagall, Harry and Ron left with the intent of going back to the Gryffindor common room to stare the Firebolt.

The entrance hall was indeed devoid of mad axe wielding men, however…


Ron gave a yelp as something hit him in the head, as he was about to ascend the stairs, causing him to topple backwards.

Harry, who was a step ahead of Ron, turned to ask him if he was all right when something whacked him in the back on his head and he fell forward, his glasses flying off.

"What the bloody hell was that!" Ron shouted, handing Harry his glasses.

Harry shoved them back onto his face and looked up to see…

Both boys felt their jaws drop.

A knight, or at least a suit of armor, was standing on the third step up, holding a rubber chicken and staring (it seemed like it was staring) down at them sprawled out on the floor.

The staring continued for about a minute before the knight turned and clunked up the stairs, rubber chicken still in hand.

Harry and Ron looked at each other dumbfounded.

"No one needs to know we were attacked by a suit of armor carrying a rubber chicken right?" Ron said, looking extremely confused.

"Right." Harry agreed.

"Especially not Hermione."

"Especially not Hermione." Harry agreed again.

"Right." Ron said, getting to his feet as Harry did the same. "Let's take the passage behind the portrait Malodora Grymm. I don't want to risk running into that thing again."


Harry and Ron set off briskly for the dungeons, where the portrait was located, both making a silent pact to never speak of what had just happened again.

Whatever in the world that was.

The End

Or is it?

A/N: The bit at the very end about "or is it" is mainly to be funny, but I haven't ruled out the possibility of having the rubber chicken knight return to Hogwarts.

Oh, and by the way, Malodora Grymm is a person on a famous witches and wizards card in the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban game for Gameboy Advance, so she is considered a part of the HP world, I suppose.

Please do review!