Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder Than Saving the World?

A/N:GODDAMN I FELL OFF! I'm gonna do more for you guys. Seriously.

Disclaimer: I'm not a rich Asian man. No matter how much I wish I was. Rich. Not an Asian man. I don't want to be an Asian man. Not that there's anything wrong with being an Asian man. I just... I'm going to write the chapter now.

Chapter 7 (Part II): Cloud begins to understand why Disney Channel must die.

"Is everyone in? Seat belts on? Gracie do you have your notebook in case you need to tell someone something?" Tifa asked sticking her head in the backseat.

She got a "yes Tifa!", three"Yes Ms. Lockhart"'s, and a nod.

"Stop worryin' so much Tif. Me and Spiky got everything!"

Half an hour later.

Cloud Strife was very annoyed. Very, very annoyed. Very, very, very annoyed. If he heard the Hoedown Throwdown one more time, he'd have to slit his own throat.

"If she says "Do the Hoedown Throwdown" one more time I'm gonna to find this chick, push her to the ground, and yell "HO DOWN!" That's how you're supposed do the Hoedown Throwdown. You throw a ho to the ground and yell "HO DOWN!"" Barret shouted wildly. "Say it again Hannah! Miley! Whoever the hell you are! Don't think I won't do it cause you're a girl!"

"Barret, shut up! You're yelling at the radio. Even old people yell at the TV. Who the hell yells at a radio?" Cloud said with his hands gripping the steering wheel so hard it looked like they were about to fall off.

"OOOOH THIS IS MY SONG!" Marlene shouted.

"I THROW ALL OF YOUR STUFF AWAY THEN I CLEAR YOU OUT OF MY HEAD!" All the girls sang loudly.

"I'm gonna crash this car. I cannot deal with Radio Disney for another minute, much less four more hours." Cloud moaned. Barret began to slam his head on the dashboard repeatedly.

"SO HOW DO YOU GET HERE UNDER MY SKIN? SWORE THAT I'D NEVER LET YOU BACK IN SHOULDA KNOWN BETTER THAN TRYING TO LET YOU GO CAUSE HERE WE GO GO GO AGAIN! HARD AS I TRY I KNOW I CAN'T QUIT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU IS SO ADDICTIVE! WE'RE FALLING TOGETHER YOU THINK THAT BY NOW I KNOW SO HERE WE GO GO GO AGAIN!"

"Please. If there is a goddess save Barret and I. Please. I saved the world twice, you know. Please let me survive four hours of pure Radio Disney. Please. I'll do anything. I'll buy Mickey a sword if I can just survive this."

One hour later. (does the Spongebob narrator have a name?)

"Hey this Selena Gomez chick isn't all that bad. I mean she like making little girls feel good about themselves and stuff. And at least she doesn't yell when she sings." Barret gave Cloud a nasty look.

"What the fuck are you sayin' Spiky? This shit is gettin' to you!"

"I'm just saying!"

An hour later.

"I-I love you like love song baby! I-I love you like love song baby! I-I love you like a love song BAABYY! And I keep hittin' repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat!" Cloud began singing loudly.

"SPIKY! CLOUD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'?!" Cloud blushed furiously.

"I can't help it...they-they're kinda catchy Barret."

"SPIKY?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YA SPIKY?! AND WHO IS THIS CHOCOBO ASS YOU BEEN REPLACED WITH?!"

"Hey I can see what you meant Spiky. Her songs do sound kinda nice." Barret said sounding sort of entranced.

In the third hour.

"NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! I'M NO BEAUTY QUEEN I'M JUST BEAUTIFUL ME! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! YOU GOT EVERY RIGHT TO A BEAUTIFUL LIFE C'MON! WHO SAYS? WHO SAYS YOU'RE NOT PERFECT? WHO SAYS YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT? WHO SAYS YOUR THE ONLY THAT'S HURTIN'? TRUST ME! THAT'S THE PRICE OF BEAUTY! WHO SAYS YOUR NOT PRETTY? WHO SAYS NOT BEAUTIFUL? WHO SAYS?" Everyone in van sang loudly (well aside from the the silent sixteen year old goth. She just head banged in enjoyment.).

Half an hour later.

"EVERYTHING COMES NATURALLY! IT COMES NATURALLY, WHEN YOUR WITH ME BABY! EVERYTHING COMES NATURALLY! IT COMES NATURALLY! BAY BAY BABY!"

"Hey guys! We're here! We beat the time Google Maps said by thirty minutes!" Cloud shouted cheerfully parking and turning off the radio.

"YAY!"

"Hey Spike? We goin' to the bear store or the doll store first?"

"Let's do the doll store. Get it over with."

Cloud stood of to the side as the girls designed dolls. It was sort of scary how they could make the dolls look like them. Gracie even found a way to give her doll black eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, and nail polish.

"You're not gonna do voodoo with that thing are ya?" Barret asked eying the evil looking goth doll nervously.

Gracie smiled and wrote in her notebook "Her name is Dragon's Pain Blood Shadow. Do you like her?"

"Ummm yes Gracie. Dragon's Pain Blood Shadow is very uhh... pretty. She looks just like you." Cloud said uncomfortably with Barret nodding along. Gracie beamed with happiness.

"You really think so? A lot of people are scared of me and think I'm weird." Gracie wrote.

"Scared? Of you? No way!" Cloud said with feigned surprise. Even though he was one of those people afraid of her he still preferred her over most of the kids other friends, and he would for long time probably. At least until she went totally insane and started murdering people.

"I know that's what I thought! Me? Scary? No way!" She wrote.

"Uh Gracie just remember who said brought you here and stuff if you ever get the urge to slaughter the whole neighborhood. It was me. Cloud Strife."

"And me. Barret Wallace, with two r's, two t's, and two l's."

"Barret?" Cloud said gently

"Huh?"

"Your name only has one t."

"Oh. Right. That's Barret with one t." Gracie laughed.

"Hahaha! You guys are so funny!"

"Yeah, haha! We we're joking! Yes we are!" Cloud said nervously sharing a look with Barret.

They finally managed to get out of the doll store and were about to head the Build-A-Bear store when disaster struck.

"Hey! Look everyone, its Barret Wallace and Cloud Strife!" A huge group of people came barreling at the two men.

"CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?! SIGN MY ARM! I KNOW YOU LOVE ME CLOUD! I HAVE UNDERWEAR WITH Y'ALL ON IT! CAN I HAVE ONE OF YOU'RE BRAIDS BARRET?!" Cloud and Barret shared a look of absolute terror.

"WAIT!" Barret shouted thinking quickly,"We aren't Cloud Strife and Barret Wallace! We're, uh, I'm, um, B-Barry... Willis and this is... Claude Striver." The crowd made disappointed sounds.

"Wait, you're the famous AVALANCHE impersonators?! OMG I LOOOOOVVVVEE you guys!" Someone in the crowd shouted.

"MARRY ME BARRY! SIGN MY AVALANCHE UNDERWEAR! CLAUDE YOU NEED TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN! CAN YOU GUYS COME TO MY BACHELOR PARTY?! WERE ARE YUVVIE, TINA, KID, VANCENT?!"

Gracie (who was standing hidden behind a pillar while all this was occurring) managed to create a distraction by throwing Dragon's Pain Blood Shadow at the crowd. Apparently, the sudden appearance of an evil looking doll flying at their faces from nowhere made them less inclined to wait for Claude and Barry to give them autographs. Actually, it made them want to disperse and run for their collective lives. Which is exactly what they did.

With all the commotion Barret and Cloud were able to slip away with all the girls but Gracie.

"We lost Gracie Barret!"

"She was a brave warrior."

"We have to go back!"

"She sacrificed herself for us Cloud. Do you want that to be in vain?"

"Barret-"

"No Cloud. We have to move on. We have to protect the ones we got left."

" -_- Barret go get Gracie. You are NOT allowed to watch war movies from now on."

"You have just vainified her sacrifice!"

"Shut up and get Gracie. And FYI, "vainified" isn't a word."

"Vainified is a word," Barret grumbled walking away.

Five hours later.

Surprisingly the bear strore was rather uneventful. They all made bears and got the hell out of there as quick as humanly possible. Cloud dropped all the girls off and quietly drinking whiskey when Barret strutted in holding a large book.

"Look Spike, I found vainified in the dictionary. Hah!" Barret said sticking the book in Cloud's face.

"Barret, that's written in red crayon. And why is it under "U"?"

"SHIT! "U" and "V"always confused me!"

"You have a lot underlying issues."

A/N: Oh my beejeezus I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I've been having terrible writers block. I hope this chapter is funny. I'm gonna try and do better for y'all. Shit sooo much stress in my life. Just so everyone knows I don't believe in story abandonment. I'll never do it. R&R, C&C and only sketchy people talk in the third person. Well except Sesshomaru. He's not sketchy.