1,018AN: Sorry for such a long wait. If it wasn't for my wonderful readers who keep poking and prodding me to work on this stuff...well Thanks all! Not beta'd so blame it all on me. :)
Chapter 20
I wish I knew what I should have said. I felt like I was too harsh on Bella and I made a mess of my meal to prove a point. He had to die for me to sate my thirst. I can't say live, because as far as I knew, we couldn't starve to death.
We returned home in silence. I was avoiding an argument. I went my own way, which was into the forest thinking I'd find Major lurking nearby. He wasn't.
Bella went in the house and I don't want to know how her evening turned out. We had such a good walk in the forest the other day, I wish it could have lasted.
The next morning Bella found me in a tree a few miles from home. She said nothing just looking around.
"What?" I finally asked, after observing her sniffing the air like a bloodhound.
"I can't find Major. I can't even find the scent of Major."
"It rained. Washed his trail away." I sat up in my tree looking down at her. She was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday and had a little blood on her collar.
"Why didn't you change? You'd be more comfortable if you weren't carting human around with you."
"I need to get used to it. I've been doing fine with this little bit. I do think I want to try animals though. I thought about what you said. You were right. I shouldn't kill without the thought of who I kill. I was human once, even if they are our food source. Well, I should at least be a bit more discriminatory in my choices."
I raised my eyes brows at her use of 'discriminatory'. I knew she was smart, but she typically says so little. That's the most coherent speech I think I've ever heard hear give that wasn't just cussing me out. I smiled.
"Why are you looking for Major?" Something told me I didn't want to know, but I was feeling the little green-eyed monster climbing onto my back, like that ugly Mucinex blob in those commercials. It's disgusting and I don't want it near me. She was looking for Major, but she found me and that didn't seem good enough, so my ugly little green friend was climbing aboard.
"I just wanted to tell him," she responded still looking around as though he would pop out of nowhere. Which with Major it was entirely possible.
I have to admit I went looking for him too and responded, "I traced his scent this far, before it started raining." I shook my head to get some of the water off indicating that I got rained on and this is where I stopped.
"Oh," she sighed and looked down, giving up.
"I'll see you back at the house." She took off at top speed without another word and before I could say anything.
It almost sounded like an invitation. Almost. I never know what to think of her anymore. I stayed in my tree for a couple more hours. Letting my jealously blanket me like an ugly stupid green Snuggie. I needed to get my head out of my ass as much as she needed to get hers our of Major's ass.
Eventually as the sun worked its way over me into the afternoon, I headed home. I suddenly felt as though I was needed, the closer I got. But that couldn't be right. What would they need me for?
Before I even broke the tree line, I could hear growling and fowl stench wafted my way. I slowed my pace and silenced my advance.
"She should die. You all should die. You broke the treaty!" A large half-naked dark-skinned man yelled at Emmett and Rosalie who stood with Bella behind them. Two horse sized wolves stood behind the man, one gray and the other black. They were standing still but their tails swished in anger. I could feel it rolling off of them like the scent of body odor on an obese person who can't clean between the many folds of skin.
"We didn't! We didn't bite her!" Rosalie argued, growling at them.
"Someone did! Look at her! And she has red eyes!" He stabbed his finger in her direction as though no one was looking. "She was supposed to be human, we went to get her as a human. Carlisle said she was human. What happened huh? Got hungry for snack on the way home from the hospital?"
"Something like that," I responded calmly as I walked out from my leafy hiding place.
The dogs and the man turned so quick a normal person would have gotten whiplash.
"Who are you?" He accused with the same finger. He wasn't really asking, well he was, but my eyes told him everything and the scars that were slightly visible on my arms and neck told another story. The wolves' hackles rose as the black one turned to face the trio behind them while the unnamed man and his gray wolf faced me.
"I'm the one that turned Bella. I am her mate. Who are you?" I asked calmly. Assessing the situation. I wanted to get to Bella, to protect her but sudden movements could end badly. I knew who they were. They were the wolves that Carlisle called from Washington. But I wasn't above playing stupid to get information.
I assessed my enemies. They were three male wolves, all very large, well defined musculature in apparently both human and wolf form. The teeth were a red flag, the claws similar to the teeth. Those would be what could hurt me. I was fairly certain if I could get past the stench, I could probably take all three out. They seemed young. The man talking was large, his voice deep, but his face showed just how nervous he actually was. They were not experienced. Even though I've never gone up against such a creature I still had tactical knowledge and experience on my side.
Having Major here would have been handy but with his mood lately he probably would have fought first and talked later.
"I asked, who are you?" I repeated myself.
"I'm Jacob. I was friends with Bella back in Forks."
My eyes narrowed. "I see, was that before, during, or after her father defiled her for his own sick pleasure while she laid there like a corpse? Did you help, maybe? Should I kill you for touching her like I killed her sick twisted son of a cock sucking whore father?" I growled and took a fighting stance. Anyone that claimed to be her friend and left her in that hell was no friend of mine.
Everyone froze at my words.
"What?" he asked as he looked at me and then back at Bella. His friends seemed to be confused also.
"Thanks!" Bella yelled. "Now everyone knows about the broken toy that you got stuck with!" she turned and went into the house slamming the door so hard it broke and fell out towards Emmett and Rose who jumped forward and away from it as it crashed to the deck. Bella was nowhere in sight.
"Shit," I muttered, rubbing my face. Feeling very tired of dealing with this shit.
"What?" Jacob asked looking like a fish out of water.
"Listen, we can fight. You can die. Or, and I much prefer this idea. You leave. Leave us alone and go back where you came from," I suggested. Walking carefully around them, giving them a wide berth. I made my way to the house. Yet again having to go pull my foot out of my mouth. Pretty sure if possible, I'd have athletes' mouth by now.
"Where is Charlie?" Jacob growled, gaining his bearings.
"He'll never be found. Leave it at that. He's dead. He hurt her." I thumbed towards the house. "So, I hurt him. End. Of. Story."
"Why did Carlisle tell me to come get her? She was human. What happened? You're her mate?" Jacob had more questions, but I put hand up.
"Listen Pup, I don't care to answer your questions. She is no longer your concern. She is mine. Now leave or I will make you wish you had." I took a step directly towards him but to his credit he showed no fear.
"No. I want to talk to Bella."
"And I want a unicorn for Christmas. Too fuckin' bad."
"Bella!" he called. "Please come talk to me. I promise we'll leave. I just want to ask you a few questions."
A screech of frustration sounded from in the house before Bella reappeared in the open doorway.
"WHAT?" she yelled at him.
"Are you okay?"
"Really, that's your question? LEAVE ME ALONE! You just said you wanted me to die! I did! Now go away!"
"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't know. I didn't know what was happening. I mean I heard the rumors, but this was Charlie. He was the chief of police. He wouldn't hurt his only daughter." He looked down and then back up at her, anguish written on his face. "I'm sorry."
The heat from her words gone. "Great, you've apologized. Now, will you leave?" She just sounded weary and I looked back at her to see if she was okay. She stood firm; her head held high, but I just knew it was taking a toll on her.
"Bella. How did all of this happen?" Jacob waved a hand around the yard like the shrubbery was the issue.
"He found me," she pointed at me. "He killed Charlie, he brought me to the Cullens. They didn't want me, put me in the hospital called you. He got me out of said hospital and changed me. Here we are," she ended her description with false enthusiasm and a fake smile.
"Now leave!" she growled and left again.
"You're done here," I stepped forward slowly indicating I was coming at them whether they liked it or not. They could leave or fight. I was hoping for leave, but the stress relief a fight would provide could be good too.
The man didn't move but the wolves backed up and the black one gave a quick bark towards Jacob.
"I know, Sam," was his response.
The wolves kept backing up until they were almost at the tree line, but Jacob held his ground. He didn't look angry, he looked, sad. I punched him, hard. I heard the bones in face crack, and I think his jaw break as he flew back towards his friends who were now crouched in front of him, growling fiercely at me.
"LEAVE!" I roared.
Jacob shook off the punch the best he could. I could tell he was dazed but he wasn't going to show it. He put his hand on Sam's side and hoisted himself to his feet.
"You didn't protect her! You aren't going to kill her! You have no place here!" I yelled at them as I continued to stomp forward.
Somewhat garbled as he put his jaw back in place with a wince, Jacob announced, "We're leaving."
I stopped my advance. "Then go. And don't return," I growled menacingly.
They backed into the trees and I heard a sound that I couldn't identify, sounded like a human body being torn apart but then I heard as three sets of paws ran west, away from us. Shifting sounded painful.
I drew a breath in and exhaled heavily. I didn't need the air, but the action was calming. Or it would have been if the air wasn't polluted with wolf stink. I almost gagged. Almost.
I turned to see Emmett and Rosalie standing still in their spots at the top of the stairs, holding hands.
"Y'all are useless ya know that?" I drawled as I walked by them and across the top of the broken door.
"You're staying in our home. I don't think that makes us useless," Rosalie griped to my back, but I couldn't care to give her any attention.
I made it to Bella's room, marching the last few steps like a man on death row. 'Not this time,' I thought to myself as I squared my shoulders and opened her door without knocking.
"They're gone," I announced.
"I know," she answered. Well at least she was talking.
I walked further into the room, standing in front of her prone form on her bed, I shared, "I'm not sorry." And I wasn't. Not this time.
"Of course not. Why would you care about how you make me feel? I'm just a broken toy you got stuck with. You seem to want the whole world to know it too."
"For fuck's sake woman! I don't think you are broken. You are certainly not a toy. I'm not stuck with you and I sure as shit am done walkin' on egg shells around ya!"
She laid there staring at the ceiling, not responding to my words or my anger.
"I'm done, Bella. We're done doing whatever this is. You want to hunt animals, that's fine I can teach you to hunt animals. They're disgusting but we can hunt them. You want to focus on taking out criminals instead of a convenient male, I'll teach you that too. But I'm not pussy-footin' around your abuse or you. That's over." I almost stomped my foot like a teenage girl but managed to refrain, barely- feeling the twitch in my leg. As it was, I took another step so that my knees touched the bed.
"I want my mate. I want someone who wants to be wit' me. You treat me like shit, but ya don't want to let me go. I leave and ya wind up in the nut house. You aren't nuts! I get arrested and ya don't visit me, but ya visit the piece of shit I beat up. I try to work on combat training with you and Major, an' ya use us. I try to talk to you, an' ya ignore me. I avoid touchin' ya too much, worried about yer reaction. But ya want me to touch you, ya just never wanna to touch me back. Hell, I avoid takin' care of my own needs because I keep hopin' that you'll decide to love me. I have fuckin' big blue, ice cubes in my pants because of you. Because, I always worry what ya will do and what ya will think. So, don't for one minute tell me that I don't care about your feelin's. All I ever do is consider your feelin's and all it ever does is bite me in the ass!"
"Oh, you were really considerate when you spilled my business to that boy out there!"
"Yeah I was. I wanted to make sure he knew why you were here. Why you were wit' me. An' why Charlie wasn' around. I wanted him to know that as protectors they failed, and they had no claim to you, so they'd leave. I told you I'm not pussy-footin' around yer issues anymore. You were abused and raped, repeatedly by your father and from what little you've said other men in your life as well. I'm not them. I'm not abusing you or raping you!" I stood my ground.
"You already did!" she yelled and sat up looking me straight in the eye full of defiance.
I'm sure my eyes bugged out like one of those toys you squeeze just to watch the eyes try to pop out of the things head, but no matter how hard you squeeze they just won't come all the way out. That was me.
"Ex-cuse me?" I nearly stuttered with a slight growl. I certainly couldn't be accused of raping her, could I?
She growled and sat up looking me in straight in the eyes, our gazes narrowing at the same time.
"You did! You raped me as soon as I woke up!"
Well fuck me with a tuba.
"WHAT?" I couldn't help how I yelled making both of us jump due to the tension in the room.
My mind wandered back to that day, the moment when I made her mine. Sure, it was fucked up but even when it was over, before she got her memories back, she was satisfied with it. Her punishment for calling out Major's name because he made me finish faster than I wanted was no sex for a month. Obviously, that was derailed when she remembered things. But never once did it seem as though she was upset. I replayed the moment over and over in my head, trying to see it from her viewpoint.
"You never said no," I mumbled as I deflated, falling to the floor. "I would never hurt you on purpose. I love you. You loved me once- if only for a moment." I sat on the floor crumpled up staring at the tan plush carpeting but not really seeing it. My mind kept repeating the moment of our coupling, our love, her awakening.
She began with a whisper, "I didn't know I should be saying no. I only knew what was happening in the moment and it did a hurt a lot when you entered me. I screamed, in pain, but you kept going. Shouldn't that have suggested that you should stop? Do you make it habit to rape newborn vampires? Some sick right of passage having them naked in a bathtub?" her words ended full of malice and hate.
"You know," my voice soft to match the sadness I knew covered my features. "That was a first. I could explain to you how we wound up in the tub, how we wound up making love…" she snorted, looking away, but I continued, "I could explain how I saw the situation but you're right."
Her eyes snapped over to look at mine.
"I am?" it came out as a question, but I think she meant it more as a statement. I answered anyway.
"I knew. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but you were ready, willin', able, and God I love you so much. I just wanted that for us. I was hopin' it was new beginnin'- a beginnin' for you and for us. I know now, that's not how you see us." I couldn't help it I looked away ashamed.
"I know now, how ya truly see me. I'm nothin' more than another sick fuck in yer life. I get it. I know to a degree, I make you feel safe. I know we can get along and be friends. I know we're gonna get through this but what I don' know is when or how." Swallowing my shame, I looked up. "I know ya want Major. I just now figur'd out why. Because, he's the only one that hasn't hurt you in that way. You're mad at Emmett for other things, but what I don't know is how to make you understand that you are my world."
Standing and giving her a last sad look, I walked out the bedroom, down the stairs, and out onto the porch. Emmett and Rose were quietly in the process of repairing the broken door, so I know they heard everything. I just didn't much care.
I looked around at the trees, the grass, listened to the wind and the bugs and the birds. For once in my very long life I thought of nothing as I headed back to the tree, she found me in a few hours ago. It seemed as good a place as any. I can't take back what was done. I can't change her mind. I can only see that I'm no better than any other male that has been a part of her life.
This may be the first time I've ever doubted myself. I know we'll be okay, but I can't help questioning if I could be wrong? I know one thing for sure. I know as much as she feels the pull to me, as much as she wants to be around me, to feel safe with me- she doesn't- and that's my fault.
AN: The coupling I refer to can be found in Chapter 13 if you want a refresher and to make your own judgment. Poor Peter just can't seem to catch a break. What do you think? Does he beg for forgiveness? Should she run off with the elusive Major? Maybe she needs counseling? Maybe he does? Opinions? Thoughts? Concerns?