This is…kind of a depressing oneshot. It has implied slash in it and is set before season seven of Buffy and after The Descent of The Vampire Diaries.
I don't own Buffy or The Vampire Diaries.
Damon finds Spike after killing Jessica. He's still drunk and still drinking. He should have left Mystic Falls as soon as he figured out Katherine wasn't in the tomb. He should leave now but he can't.
He thinks about Elena and Stefan, about Elijah and Klaus and he can't leave. He can't leave because she'll die, he can't leave because Stefan will die and no matter how fucked up all this shit is making him feel, no matter how sure he is that he'll end up truly dead at the end of this little story, he can't make himself leave.
Damon stops when he finally makes it back home. Spike is waiting for him and for a moment, Damon wants to just walk right past the other vampire because all he really wants to do is drink and forget, or at least pretend to.
Then he really gets a look at Spike and it stops him in his tracks. Spike's hair is a mess of white blonde curls, he's slumped on the steps leading to the front door. His shirt is unbuttoned and Damon can smell the blood on him. There are still bleeding wounds on Spike's chest, right over his heart and Damon spots the knife lying on the ground nearby.
He's never seen Spike look quite so miserable.
Damon doesn't say anything, he simply walks over and slumps down beside Spike, offering the bottle of alcohol. Spike takes it without saying anything either.
He's commiserated with Spike before. Well, not so much commiserated-that's not really what they do. What they do is more traded insults that turns into fights and sometimes fucking.
In the morning, Damon will be himself again. He'll go back to mocking his brother and flirting with Elena and the familiar, almost friendly banter he and Alaric have. For now? He just doesn't have the energy for sarcasm.
There's something about Spike's posture, about the look in his eyes that makes Damon think he won't be pretending anything in the morning and Damon thinks that if something can knock down Spike, who always seems to take each hit give and just bounce right back like nothing has happened, well, then they're all pretty much fucked.
And Damon hadn't thought his mood could go any lower.
They meet each other's gaze and Spike speaks for the first time. "Got my soul." It's simple, to the point and explains everything.
Damon blinks and looks away again. He doesn't quite know what to think of that. He knows Spike's type of vampire loses their souls when they turn…it's why there is no vampire's like his brother, Rose, or Caroline, discounting Angel of course, of Spike's kind.
Damon's never looked into it, he's never really cared enough to, but he's met Angel and Angel seems to think his kind don't lose their souls when they turn. It's why some of them, if they let themselves, feel bad when they do bad things, why some of them end up like Stefan. Angel, who reminded Damon way too much of Stefan for him to like the guy, told him he was lucky but Damon thinks sometimes they got the better deal.
Whatever. Most times, none of that bullshit makes a difference to him. He doesn't think about it. He doesn't like analyzing himself and most of the time, since Katherine screwed him over, he doesn't think about what he's going to do two minutes before he does it. He hardly ever thinks about who he really thinks are the lucky ones.
When he glances over at Spike again, he sees it in his eyes. Spike feels guilty for all the horrible things he's done, for all the people he's killed, for all the destruction he's caused.
This only confirms all the things Damon has been thinking about himself in the past few hours because he doesn't really feel guilty for his own crimes, at least not the ones that don't directly involve Elena, Rose, or Stefan. He doesn't feel the guilt for killing the redhead.
Guilt isn't what makes him take another drink from the bottle. Guilt isn't what's killing him. It's the fact that he killed that innocent girl on the road and doesn't feel guilty for it. It's the fact that it just confirms what he'd already told Elena, that he doesn't deserve her, that he'll never deserve her.
He'd thought before he could change that when he did feel the guilt for snapping Jeremy's neck, when he felt it when Rose took the bite meant for him. It doesn't work. They were both close. He loves Elena. Feeling it when he hurts her but not when he kills some innocent stranger…it still makes him a monster.
He looks over at Spike again and sees the progress there. He knows just which person Spike did this for and he knows that Spike's succeeded at something that Damon will never achieve. Maybe Spike will get to walk away with the girl he loves. Damon's eyes trail to the wounds on Spikes chest. If he doesn't kill himself first.
Spike's not sure why he's here, sitting on Damon Salvatore's steps. He's known Damon since just five years after he was turned and they had met sporadically over the one hundred and twenty years since.
He knows Damon Salvatore well which is why he isn't sure why he's here. They had mocked each other the last time they had seen each other for 'going soft', after Spike had found out Damon had fallen for the human girl that his brother was dating and Damon had discovered his own feelings for Buffy.
He tries to kill himself with the knife on Damon's porch and thinks about how pathetic he's truly become, about how he's turning into Angel. Maybe that's why he's here. To die. He's known Damon almost as long as he's known Angel and he can't show up on Angel's doorstep. He can't face Buffy just yet.
When Damon finally walks up, Spike is a little surprised. Damon looks wrecked, more so than Spike has ever seen him. There's a bottle of alcohol in one of his hands and there's something strangely…broken, in his normally bright blue eyes. There's an air of defeat hanging around the dark haired vampire standing before him.
Damon doesn't say anything. He sits beside Spike, offers the bottle, and Spike takes it without saying anything as well.
Spike stares out into the darkness. He's never been one for self reflection…or brooding. That's always been Angel's department but the soul forces it on him. He should never have gone back to Sunnydale.
He doesn't close his eyes because every time he does he sees Buffy's face. He sees her holding her robe closed and staring down at him in disgust.
"Ask me again how I could never love you."
It's not really a comfort that he's not the only one brooding. He doesn't have the energy for sarcasm, for mocking Damon for becoming his brother.
He knows Damon well and thinks tomorrow, Damon will be back to the dick he's always been but Spike isn't so sure he'll be able to do the same. He's done too much and it's all crashing down on him. He's pretty sure Buffy hates him and wonders if she'll stake him as soon as she sees him.
It's wrong, he thinks. The both of them sitting there brooding and drinking in the dark. It had never been in either of their natures before, before Spike had gone back to Sunnydale, before Damon came back to Mystic Falls.
Damon takes the bottle and grabs Spike's arm, pulling him up and into the house. He doesn't say anything as he does this and Spike knows what's going to happen when they get inside.
They'll fuck, maybe fight, and they just might forget it all for a few hours. Then Spike will be gone, heading back to Sunnydale and Damon will stay and pretend he doesn't feel anything around his brother and anyone else he happens to talk to.
It always goes this way. It'll go this way this time…it'll go this way as long as they're both still among the living dead.