PERSON: Hello?

JACK SPARROW: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, Savvy?

PERSON: Ok. Jack Sparrow, can I help you with something?

DAVY JONES: The Chest! Hand it over!

PERSON: I don't have a chest... Except for the one in the garage with all me great great great great great great grandmama's clothing in it... I don't see why mom still has it. It's like ROTTEN! And your welcome to have it if you want it... But I have to warn you... It's probably animal-infested. Meaning rats, and mice, ...specially mice!

WILLIAM TURNER: With good reason!

JACK SPARROW: Where is it? Where's the thump-thump?

PERSON: Pff! Those clothes have been out there forever! Kill me if there's NOT mice in there, ... Yes it tis a good reason...

GIBBS: Slap me twice and hand me to me Mama!

PERSON: ... Am I talking to more then one person?


PERSON: Ok. So Is there anything else I can do and or help you all with?

ANAMARIA: You stole my boat!

GOVERNOR SWANN: I'm told it's the latest fashion in London.

PERSON: ... Ummm?...

ELIZABETH SWANN: This is the fastest ship in the Caribbean.

ANAMARIA: You can tell them that after they've caught us.

PERSON: Ok? So were talking about a ship?

WILLIAM TURNER: We're going to steal a ship? That ship?

JACK SPARROW: Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term.

PERSON: WAIT! There is NO WE! I am NOT 'Commandeering ANY SHIP!


PERSON: If it means I have to steal a ship then; No!

JACK SPARROW: You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?

MORTOGG: What we doin' 'ere?

PERSON: You DON'T EVEN KNOW ME *why* your talking to me? Who am I talking all to?

BARBOSSA: Bbarrbooossaaa.


PERSON: I'm talking to PIRATES?

JAMES NORRINGTON: I intend to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves: a short drop and a sudden stop.

PERSON: Aha! So I'm talking to a few contradictory people here, ehh?

DAVY JONES: Not a person! A sea. Goddess bond in her bones.

PERSON: I don't believe in stories or legends!

BARBOSSA: You best start believing in ghost stories Miss Turner. You're in one.

PERSON: This is weird. Ok. How about this; you tell me your names and I'll give you the chest? Ok?

JACK SPARROW: What do you say to three shillings... and we forget the name?

BARBOSSA: Why thank ye, Jack. J

JACK SPARROW: Your welcome.

BARBOSSA: Oh, not you. We named the monkey Jack.

JACK: ...

BARBOSSA: So you expect to be leaving me on some beach with not but a name and your word is the one need?

JAMES NORRINGTON: Lord Beckett desires the contents of that chest. I deliver it, I get my life back.

PERSON: Who would WANT those clothes? I don't understand! How could the CLOTHES GIVE YOU your life back?

DAVY JONES: Open the chest, open the chest, I need to see it.

PERSON: How can I show it to you when your not here? Now, I know you don't want those clothes, but do you want anything else?

WILLIAM TURNER: Elizabeth is in danger.

ELIZABETH SWANN: Pirate or not this man saved my life.

PERSON: You guys aren't making any sense.

JAMES NORRINGTON: You are without a doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of.

JACK SPARROW: Ah, but you have heard of me.

PERSON: So you all here are pirates, or associating with them, or at least familiar with 'a pirate, ehh?

WLLIAM TURNER: I make a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates.

PERSON: Aha! ONE person who's on my side! YaY!

ELIZABETH SWANN: Whose side is Jack on?

WILLIAM TURNER: At the moment?

PERSON: ... this really is a pointless call isn't it? Will someone not explain whats going on?

ELIZABETH SWANN: I must tell him. The pirates, they cannot be killed.

PERSON: Puh! They can be MURDERED! The awful people! Teach them the pain they cause others!

ELIZABETH SWANN: You like pain? Try wearing a corset.

PERSON: Hey! I thought you were on my side? ... I've gotta go soon so please, for the live of God, tell me what you all want!

JAMES NORRINGTON: Mr. Sparrow, you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearing to Isla de Muerta. You will then spend the remainder of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase "silent as the grave". Do I make myself clear?


DAVY JONES: You have a debt to pay. You've been captain of the Black Pearl for thirteen years. That was our agreement.

PERSON:... No, I haven't? I'm lost?

BARBOSSA: For certain you have to be lost to find the place that can't be found.

PERSON: ... True enough... Continue.

JACK SPARROW: Mr. Gibbs, it seems we have a need to travel upriver.

PERSON: If you need to travel 'upriver' because of me, then don't ... I live in the desert!

JACK SPARROW: Up is down. Well that's maddeningly unhelpful.

RAGETTI: Well, each man wants the chest for hisself, don't 'e? Mr. Norrington, I think, is trying to regain a bit of honor. Old Jack's looking to trade it, to save his own skin. And Turner there, I think 'e's trying to settle some unresolved business twixt him and his twice-cursed pirate father.

PERSON: Ummmmm... Ok. But why would my great great great great great great grandmama's be so important?

JACK SPARROW: Oh, she's not told you. You'll have loads to talk about while you're here.

PERSON: NOBODIES TOLD ME ANYTHING! Everyone just keeps rambling on about NOTHING!

WILLIAM TURNER: This is either madness... or brilliance.

PERSON: Brilliance! Ha! It's not even worthy of being called MADNESS! It's more like; Maniacly-Major-Madness!


MARTY: I noticed lately the captain's been acting a bit strange...r.

JAMES NORRINGTON: So am I *worthy* to sail under Captain Jack Sparrow? Or should I just kill you now?

JACK SPARROW: What are you doing here? You look bloody awful.

JAMES NORRINGTON: You hired me. I can't help it if your standards are lax.

PERSON: Seriously? Seriously? This is ridiculous. You guys are all CRAZY!

TIA DALMA: It is my nature. Would you love me if I was anything but what I am?

PERSON: Who said anything bout loving you? You've ALL lost it!

JACK SPARROW: It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide.

PERSON: I've about had it with all you! I'm hanging up!

JACK SPARROW: Do us a favor... I know it's difficult for you... but please, stay here, and try not to do anything... stupid.

PERSON: FINE! ... Your conversations are quite amusing... Anyways. ...

DAVY JONES: Then you were a poor captain, but a captain nonetheless!

PERSON: WATCH IT MISTER! I could still hang up, and you WON'T get my great great great great great great grandmama's clothes!

JAMES NORRINGTON: One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness.

PERSON: Pff...

JACK SPARROW: Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.

PERSON: Who said anything about you beating me?

GIBBS: And what's your story, sailor?

PERSON: Well that was totally RANDOM! Why would you care? Oh! Except, if you knew me better then you'd get closer to achieving getting the chest from me! But I know you all want it, and I'm not sure I'm willing to want to even THINK about bargaining with any of you! I don't even know half your names! ... That is what your after... The chest. ?

JAMES NORRINGTON: No! Not anymore! Weren't you Listening?

PERSON: I was, and you all made it very clear you want the chest!


PERSON: How many people... Or whatever *things* am I talking to?

GIBBS: Including those four? That brings us to... four.

PERSON: ONLY FOUR! I don't believe you! Your lying!

JAMES NORRINGTON: You actually were telling the truth.

MULLROY: What's your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Smith?

MORTOGG: Yeah, and no lies.

JACK SPARROW: Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out.

MORTOGG: I said no lies.

MULLROY: I think he's telling the truth.

PERSON: Ok. Your wasting my time! And my patience is wearing THIN, if you don't get to the point I am hanging up and BURNING the chest! ... And tell me what are you ALL TALKING ABOUT!

JACK SPARROW: Cuttlefish. Let us dear friends, not forget out dear friends the cuttlefish.

PERSON: This is nonsense!

JACK SPARROW: How did you get here?

WILL TURNER: Sea turtles, mate. A pair of them strapped to my feet.


JACK SPARROW: NOBODY MOVE! I dropped me brain! ...

PERSON: This phone call is going to haunt me for years to come! AHHH! What I nightmare!

ELIZABETH SWANN: Well, women in London must have learned not to breathe.


JACK SPARROW: We are very much alike you and I. I and you. Us.

PERSON: OK! This has gone WWWAAAAYYYYYY TO FAR! That was my last straw! I'm hanging up! I don't care if I have to pay the Devil my soul for it!

JACK SPARROW: But why is the rum ALWAYS GONE?

PERSON: ...WHAT? ... Your all DRUNK I shoulda known I was talking to a bunch of drunks!

JACK SPARROW: Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream, that's how I get by.

PERSON: ... uhhhh!

TIA DALMA: You. You have a touch a' destiny about you.

PERSON: Yes! Yes I do! And right now it is hanging up on you all!

ELIZABETH SWANN: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.


JACK SPARROW: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

PERSON: Well, I guess I'll be waving at all you freaks now because I'm hanging up THE PHONE!

JACK SPARROW: Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho A pirates Life for me!


GIBBS: Not quite according to plan...

JACK SPARROW: Complications arose, ensued, were overcome.

GIBBS: Do we have a heading captain?

JACK SPARROW: No. Persuade me.

GIBBS: ...Well we need a heading or we ain't going any where!

JACK SPARROW: Why should I sail with any of you? Four of you have tried to kill me in the past... one of you succeeded.

GIBBS: So were just gonna sit here forever?

JACK SPARROW: Well, then you wouldn't be here, would you? So you can't be here! Q.E.D. - you're not really here!

ELIZABETH SWANN: Jack, it's real, were really here.

GIBBS: Do we have a heading captain?


GIBBS: Tortuga?

JACK SPARROW: Aye. Tortuga.

JACK SPARROW: Now bring me that horizon!... And a bottle of rum!

Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, A pirates life for me!