I'll Find You Somewhere
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! The characters or the show, nothing! Y.Y And it's depressing me right now, so I'll give it to you straight: they belong to Kripke (now to Sera Gamble as well) all rights reserved! I'm not making profit of any of this, only reviews that feed my smiles! =)
Words pass through my head, randomly. The air goes in and out of his nostrils, the movement mechanic, keeping him alive while the blood pumps hot inside him, making so much noise that he could hear it fast and loud in his ears, like it's inside his head. He felt disconnected, cold, vanishing little by little and asked himself, for just a flashing moment, if that's what would feel like dying. He would find out soon enough, he was pretty sure, if the cold seeping through his bones was any indication, feeling like he fell in a frozen lake and couldn't resurface.
Eyes looking all around him, he was trying to remember, to feel, anything! But he wouldn't recognize anything at all, couldn't feel a thing besides the hot and white agony that worked through his nerves. His mind kept telling random names and his heart knew they meant something, they were important somehow, but his mind only knew pain right now and it was taking away any good feelings inside him.
A noisy and annoying song kept playing somewhere and he couldn't figure out where it was coming from. After long minutes, he noticed that it came from his own pocket and concluded that it could only be his cell-phone. But not even if he used all his energies he would be able to move, at least not enough to answer the device. And how would he talk? His brain didn't seem to be working in synchrony with his body, which could only mean something really, really bad.
But the sound was reassuring. The unsettling silence around him wasn't appreciated. He was never one to like loneness. It was hard to convince himself that in death, ironically, he would be as alone as he was in life and would get more distant to anything that ever looked real. Because this could only be the end, right? There was no other explanation to the tightness in his chest, to the metallic smell of blood, his own blood… The warm and red liquid seeping through the corners of his lips, the taste too much for him to handle, even though he couldn't spit it out, because moving right now was an herculean task.
If he had regrets? Lots of them! More than he was able to count! There was a ton of guilt in his shoulders, its strength crushing him and destroying his soul, broken all those years ago. But he knew that if he could just go back in time, he would make the same mistakes all over again, all of them… It was part of the man he was. Those little parts of the package that he carried around, in which he could also find all the greatest and most valuable memories he carried in his chest, the ones he couldn't afford the risk of losing.
Feeling the hot tears in his face, he said to himself, once again, that it was a common reaction to pain, and not the emotion, that made his throat closed up, creating an uncomfortable lump inside it. That would be too cliché, watch his life passing in front of his eyes in his final moments. Not with him! Nothing was ever common in his life and he was pretty sure that it wouldn't start to be normal now, in his last minutes.
Something hot burned inside his chest. It wasn't a physical sensation and he was grateful for that. It was a good emotion, one which could slightly calm him, almost like he was ready, like he accepted it. Inside him, that presence has always been there, has followed him around his whole existence. A part of himself so big which was missing for so long! How could it be back now? It wasn't fair… Or was it?
This gave him strength to hold on tighter to his body, like he was telling to himself that this presence could make it all better. Even if it had always been his job, he didn't care if he assumed it. Felling the hot touch against his chest, he opened his eyes and couldn't see anyone here with him. But he just knew who used to own those hands and suddenly everything was fine like nothing bad could really reach him no more.
It didn't mean the pain was gone. It was there, tearing him up inside, repeating that he wouldn't come back from this point. But, somehow, the pain was his friend. It's been there with him for as many years as he could count and, inside this fog, it was strong enough for keep him focused, even if just by a thread, on the existence of his cold body, which was shaking in the ground, fighting for every second of life.
His green eyes focused on the sky above his head and the dark clouds formed perfect drawings that only he could see. He remembered the uncountable times in his childhood he spent trying to guess which shape they had. Making up the craziest things just for the boy by his side have a good laugh and they would both stay there, laying down in the grass, silently watching the sky, the day going on and on around them, without any worry or guilt that worn and aged them both during their not-so-long lives.
A slight pressure on his hand brought him back to the here and now. It was something hot, alive, so real! But at the same time it wasn't, he was aware that there wasn't anyone with him, not an alive someone, anyway… But, on the other hand, he was there by his side. His comfy presence seemed to surround him and take him in its arms, like he was being asked to be stronger, to hold on a little longer.
The tremors were increasing and his mouth half open couldn't get much more precious oxygen inside him. He felt the blood running from his mouth, making a mess, the same blood trailing down of the serious injure in his chest. He didn't know it would hurt so bad! He didn't know it'd take so long! Looked like the time just stopped since he fell on the ground of a nameless street; another cold and sad place, which held no meaning to him. A light rain started to hit his face, as if it was washing the red liquid from his body and the ground around him, washing away his existence from the planet.
Closing his eyes, he felt the squeeze on his hand grow stronger and silently told the one that would never leave him he was still there. That it was okay. He asked himself if he would ever see him again… Would he see all of them again? His family? Or would he be alone in another eternity of suffering, just holding on to the memories? After all that happened, he deserved something better, didn't he? All the good stuff he did for this world?
The rain was increasing, but it was harder for him to notice much. He was hanging on only by a tiny thread and trying really hard not to let go off this little connection with the reality that he still had. It was hard to say how much time had passed. Maybe only seconds… Maybe hours or minutes… Hell, could even be centuries! The time just seemed different from this new perspective.
Of course he knew who was there with him in the end. He always knew it would be him. Smiling softly, he felt the cold that was entering through his bones, looking to his side and seeing a shape. He knew it wasn't corporeal, but it was real. He came back and was there with him, like he was since he was born. Since he gave his first steps and said his first words, this boy was part of his life and, somehow, he was sure that this guy would be his legacy, that he would stay here and finish the things he wasn't strong or brave enough to do by himself.
Funny how things changed all of sudden. And when they changed, they changed everything and all he could think was he couldn't even stay on his feet anymore. All he wanted was to things to get back the way they were before… It was too much and even if part of this nightmare was the normal life he secretly desired, he begged, with watery eyes, for the crazy and complicated mess of before. He just couldn't handle anything but it! Even having other people by his side, his own family, he knew he could never get back what he lost… It was all too much, unreachable and he was left begging for the damn angels, who claimed to be on his shoulder, to end the pain. He just wanted it to be over; he couldn't stand this life anymore.
Wasn't it supposed to end with him? It was always him! None of that was his brother's part to play, he started it and he intended to end it! He wondered, silently, if things would have been different if he acted any other way. If he accepted and played his part on the freakin' apocalypse, would he be alive now? Would be him standing up in front of his grave, breathing that suffocating air which now he tried to bring into his lungs? Would he be there, holding his body and begging him to live and stay with him?
There were no answers to these questions. It was a game of guessing and blaming that would never take him anywhere. And maybe he should hug tight the memories that were parts of his heaven. Maybe he should just let the images of his life pass by quickly in front of his eyes and be just an ordinary man in his dying moment.
An ordinary man, right? Would this be his most secret desire? The last wish of a soul that suffered more than it should? Even if he now had a home and a family to call his, he knew he would be forever incomplete, one part of his heart stayed in Lawrence, with Lucifer… At least he believed it, before he started to feel this presence, guiding him in the right direction, keeping him focused, even with the pain.
He heard the sound of footsteps, vaguely. None of this seemed real no more. He heard a voice, but it didn't make any sense. All he understood were hiccups and a hand caressing his face. Her screams resounded too, the voice seemed nervous. He knew he should somehow know her. His eyes opened a little and he saw her face above him, so close, and suddenly he remembered her, part of his new life, the only part of it that held any meaning. His lips moved, but no sound followed the motion. She had tears on her face and the despair of her movements was just painful to see. Her hand touched his hair and his face in a way that begged for him to just be there with her, not to leave. He found the devastated eyes, in anticipation of his loss, wanting to just say goodbye. Pleading with her to take care of herself and the boy who was his own child, even if he wasn't his blood.
All that came out of his mouth was more blood, the strong cough almost ending his little reserves of oxygen. She seemed even more nervous, calling his name again and again. It was all he was able to understand, whatever else she talked didn't made it through his confused mind, couldn't win the dense fog that was now his head. His eyes closed, feeling exhausted, just wanting to keep them closed for a little while longer.
He felt her hand stroking him. He forced the words out of his mouth, even if it was really hard:
"I'm... Sorry" was what he was able to say, opening his own eyes again and focusing them into hers, with what little strength he held inside.
He could understand a feel words she said: "Help, no, please, stay, Dean…" If he had full use of his brain right in this second, maybe these words would make all the sense in the world. But now things were getting foggy. He only noticed that tears were running down his face when she dried it with her hands, sobbing and begging him with her eyes to stay with her, to not leave his family alone. For a minute he felt like he made a difference in this world, that she really appreciated him and gave him value. It was a good feeling, knowing that you had been loved by people who would stay here.
He couldn't do anything for her and knew it. There was no more way out. He vaguely heard the sound of sirens but he already felt numb and his eyes were closed. Hearing a moan he was surprised it came from him. With this, he started to be aware of other sounds like the scratchy sound of his harsh breath, the sound of Lisa screaming on her foot and the sound of the ambulance stopping.
Everything seemed different. Seemed like this world wasn't his anymore. He knew he just didn't belong here anymore, in this place full of pain and misery. He felt that hot presence bringing comfort to his chest over again and he just knew his little brother was here. When he opened his eyes a little he could see him, exactly the way he remembered him: The puppy dog eyes, full of tears, the strong hand holding on to his, just being there for him. How he missed this face, this look, this heat the kid brought with him! It seemed like only close to death he was really alive again and he could just take a breath, knowing his reason was back with him.
Even when nothing else could make sense in his confused head, when the figure lay down at his side and whispered in his ear, the words started to make sense again:
"Dean I'm here... I'm not gonna leave you... I'm not gonna leave you!"
Of course he recognized the words! He said them himself in the day which his life ended and this stranger's started. Their eyes found each other's in a moment that could have been an eternity, saying silently, like they were always capable of, that it was time to leave. Relaxing under his touch, he closed his own eyes for the last time.
There was no pain, no suffer, no regrets. For just a moment, everything seemed perfect and right. A peace he never felt in life took over him. When he opened his eyes he felt light, like he could float. Focusing he saw his brother there, offering his hand to help him up, a little smile on his lips:
"Let's go! We have a lot to do, Dean!"
Smiling he held the hand between his and got up on his feet, side to side with the enormous silhouette of Sammy, and followed him away from all this blood and pain around him, leaving, once in his life, his brother show him the way and lead him to someplace else. Someplace that would be like any other: perfect just for the having his brother here. Perfect for the fact that they were together again.
"Time of death: 14:52"
A/N: I have some explaining to do about this story: it's pretty dark, I know! But the message is about hope and love and family. It's about losing your reason for living. It's about friendship and loneness. At the same time, it can sound really confusing... Let me know if this only makes sense inside my head! LOL The title is a part of the lyrics of Somewhere from Within Temptation. I think it's a beautiful song and I recommend it very much! =)
Some afterthoughts: I left the cause of Dean's death open for interpretation; I just talked about the wound on his chest, leaving a little for you guys to think about. Another important point is the presence of Sam's spirit. I think it can be seem of lots of different ways. My intention was to make an AU story from 5x22 so I'd like to think that Sam's soul was freed from hell because it wasn't meant to be on Lucifer's Cage. Makes sense to me! Lol Of course you can see it the realistic way, if you want: it could all be Dean's head conjuring Sammy's memory taking him metaphorically away from the pain.
Of course, even if it was meant to be a dramatic and kinda sweet story, I'll say again that it's NOT meant to be a Winchest, because I'm all against it, cause I think that their brotherly love is way too cute *_*. If you had another impression, it was never my intention lol
Well, before it gets bigger than the story itself, I hope you liked this little sad one. I know that there's not a lot of readers for this kind of story, but I can't resist a good old drama and I've been in a dark mood these days XD
Kisses and thanks a lot for reading! If you can leave a review, you'll make my day even brighter and happier! =D
See you next!