Hakuna Matata And a Pirate's Life for Me
Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or The Lion King.
Marooned! Captain Jack Sparrow had just been marooned. He couldn't believe it. Jack stared out to sea. On the horizon, he could just barely see the outline of what used to be his ship, the Black Pearl. He was pretty sure the ship's new captain, Hector Barbossa, was standing at the ship's helm, either grinning smugly, or laughing madly.
"I knew that stupid blighter was trouble from the moment I met him", Jack grumbled. "I never should have trusted him. But I did. And look where it's gotten me."
Jack looked around. He surveyed his surroundings. He knew he was on an island. And it was not a very big island, from the looks of it.
"I have a feeling that I'm going to be here for a while," said Jack. "I might as well make the most of my time here."
Jack started searching for provisions. He found that, further inland, there was a small freshwater spring. He also found some spare driftwood that he could use to build a fire. The only thing he needed now was food. And maybe some rum. Yes, definitely rum.
"Where the Hell am I going to get some bloody rum?" Jack yelled. He began to jump up and down in frustration. That's when he noticed something odd about the ground: it was bouncy. Jack started digging. Hidden underneath all the sand was a door. Jack opened the door. It lead down into a cellar. And the cellar was filled with all sorts of foods and other provisions.
"I don't know who left all this stuff here", said Jack, "but I thank you from the bottom of my heart."
"Hooray! I'm saved!" shouted a voice from inside the cellar. "Finally!"
"Who's there?" asked Jack. "Show yourself." He pulled out the pistol Barbossa had given him before he was marooned. The thing only had one shot, but right now, it was the best defense Jack had. "I'm warning you", he said. "I have a pistol, and I'm not afraid to use it."
Out from the cellar walked the strangest creature Jack had ever seen. He was about 6 inches tall. The animal had a tuft of red hair on the top of his head. And he had brown stripes running down his back, a black nose, black beady little eyes and a long pointy tail. But the most unusual thing about him was that he could walk on two legs, just like a person. And he could also talk.
"Hey, thanks for saving me", the animal said. "I thought I'd be stuck down there forever."
"Ahh! A talking rat!" screamed Jack.
"Well, that's a nice welcome", said the creature.
"Who are you?" asked Jack. "No, a better question would be WHAT are you?" he asked.
"My name's Timon", said Timon. "And I'm not a rat. I'm a meerkat. And you are?" he asked.
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow", said Jack. "I must say Timon, you are the oddest-looking cat I've ever seen. I mean, what kind of cat walks on two legs, like a person, and talks?" he asked.
Well, there was Constance, Jack thought, referring to the furry member of his first crew, from when he was a teenager. She stood upright once. And I think there were a few times that she attempted to speak. But I'd rather not talk about her.
"I'm not a cat either", said Timon. "I'll say this one more time: I am a meerkat. You know, like a mongoose."
"What's a mongoose?" asked Jack.
"Oh, never mind", said Timon. "Anyway", he continued, "I'm from the Pridelands. They're in Africa."
"Hold on", Jack said, interrupting Timon. "How did an animal from Africa end up marooned on a desert island in the middle of the Caribbean?" he asked.
"To be perfectly honest, I don't really know the answer to that myself", Timon admitted. "The last thing I remember was me and my buddy Pumbaa were…"
"Wait", Jack cut in, "so sorry to interrupt you again, but what's a Pumbaa?"
"You mean WHO is Pumbaa", Timon corrected. "Well, I tell you. He's a warthog." Seeing the puzzled look on Jack's face, Timon elaborated. "A warthog is a big pig", he explained. "Just don't ever call Pumbaa THE pig. He likes to be referred to as MR. Pig. And Pumbaa's my best friend. Now, where was I?" Timon asked. "Oh, yeah. So anyway, all I remember was that me and Pumbaa were out looking for grubs, when all of a sudden, that crazy monkey, Rafiki, casts some spell on me, and I end up here. And how did I get in that cellar? That's easy. When I got on this island, I needed a place to sleep. That cellar was open, and it seemed like the best place to sleep. But when I woke up the next morning, the door was too heavy for me to open. I don't know how long I was down there until you came, Jack. And I thank you once again for saving me. So, how did you end up here?" he asked Jack.
"I was marooned here when that treacherous rat, Barbossa, mutinied against me", said Jack. "I don't know how long I'll be here for. I mean, I have enough provisions now, but what happens when they run out? I might have to eat you, Timon."
"Eeek!" shrieked Timon. "Please don't eat me! I don't think I'd taste very good."
"Or I might have to resort to self-cannibalism", Jack continued. "Is that even possible? I once escaped from a tribe of cannibals, but I've never heard of them eating themselves." Jack was beginning to get really nervous. He started pacing back and forth, and running his fingers through his dreadlocked hair. "What am I going to do?" he asked himself over and over again. "Am I doomed to stay on this God-forsaken spit of land until I die?" he screamed up towards the Heavens.
"Whoa, Jack", said Timon. "Relax. I looks like you need a lesson in Hakuna Matata."
"What?" asked Jack.
"Hakuna Matata", Timon repeated. "It's me and Pumbaa's motto. It means no worries. Hey, do you want me to sing it for you?"
"Er, no thanks", said Jack. "But I would appreciate it if you would help me get some provisions out from this cellar."
"Deal", Timon said, shaking Jack's hand.
A few hours latter, after they had cleared out the cellar, Jack and Timon were sitting around the fire and telling each other about their lives. The way Timon described himself and Pumbaa reminded Jack of two particular members of his, er, Barbossa's crew.
What were there names again, Jack wondered. The short, fat, bald bloke, and his tall, gangly friend with the wooden eye. Ah, yes. Now I remember. Their names were Pintel and Ragetti.
"Are you sure you don't want something to eat?" asked Jack. "We have all this delicious food here. I'd hate for it to go to waste."
"No thanks", said Timon. "I'm not a big fan of human food. Just give me a big old plate of grubs any day of the week."
"What do you mean by grubs?" asked Jack.
"Bugs", Timon answered simply.
"You eat bugs?" Jack asked in disbelief. "That's disgusting!"
"Hey, you don't here me complaining about that rum stuff you're so crazy about", said Timon. "That stuff looks, and probably tastes, just like rhino pee."
"How dare you say anything bad about me rum", Jack said defensively. "If only you would have just one sip of it, I bet your opinion would change."
"Is that a challenge?" asked Timon. "Alright. I accept. I'll take a sip of your rum, but only if you promise to eat a bug."
"Great", said Jack. "I'll go first." Timon pick out the biggest, juiciest and slimiest bug he could find. He handed it to Jack.
"All you gotta do is swallow it whole", said Timon. Jack gulped.
"Oh well", said Jack, "Hakuna Matata." He brought the bug up to his lips, and swallowed it. He nearly gagged as it went down. "Slimy, yet satisfying", he said finally.
"That's it", said Timon.
"Now you have to uphold your end of the deal", said Jack. "Come on, Timon. Just one little swig. It won't bite. Here, I'll help you." Jack held up the bottle of rum so Timon could reach it. Timon took a sip. He immediately hated it, but regretfully, he swallowed it.
"Yuck!" he shouted, gasping for air. "That's the most horrible thing I've ever tasted. How can you drink this stuff, Jack? I was right: rum DOES taste like rhino pee."
Hmm,thought Jack, I guess not everybody loves the taste of rum as much as I do.
Over the next 3 days, Jack and Timon spent the time talking, exploring the island, sleeping and just generally hanging out. Jack would also drink as much rum as possible. And Timon would try to eat every bug in sight.
On the fourth day, Jack was rescued by the Rum Runners. That was the last time he ever saw Timon. But Jack never forgot his furry friend. One day, many years later, after he had gotten the Black Pearl back, he heard Timon's voice in his head.
"Remember, Jack", Timon's voice told him, "Hakuna Matata."
"Yeah", Jack whispered, "Hakuna Matata."
A/N: This is perhaps the most random thing I've ever written. But it had to be done. I mean, The Lion King and Pirates of the Caribbean are arguably the two greatest Disney movies ever made. And Jack and Timon are the best characters from their respective movies. Plus, I thought they had very similar personalities, so it seemed natural for them to meet.