A/N: I needed to step away from "Saying I Will" for a while. And since none of my other stories are progressing like they should, I knew I needed to do something different. This idea has been buzzing around in my head and I just thought I'd take the opportunity to get it out. I realize the plot has been done before but I'm hoping that what I've come up with is a departure from the norm.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

Every Teen's Worst Nightmare

The Universe Hates Us

Ichigo and his friends knew immediately that they were in trouble the moment their teacher came into the classroom grinning. It was not her normal, "Let's start the day" grin but the one that promised all kinds problems for her students. It was the grin they all lived in fear of. Their second clue was the green and white stripe hatted man that followed her into the room.

"Urahara?" several voices chorused in disbelief.

"Good morning class! Today I have a special surprise for you. It has come to my attention that some of you are perhaps a little too quick to jump into things so the principal asked me to come up with a Health Studies project that would catch your attention and hopefully knock some sense into those foolish heads of yours." Ochi-sensei smiled at the man next to her, their plan obviously bringing her delight. "So, in the interests of doing things in the best possible way, I consulted Kurosaki's father (Ishida's was apparently too busy to even return my call) and asked for his advice. He is a doctor, after all."

Several pairs of eyes were casted Ichigo's way in horror. "Don't look at me! The old goat said nothing to me about this!" he protested.

"Ahem! Anyway, having done that, he referred me to Urahara-san here who has just invented an extremely useful tool to aid in this project."

"Hello, everyone! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kisuke Urahara and in some circles I am known to be a great inventor. However, for the most part I am but a humble shopkeeper who is delighted to be of service to the young people of my community. Now then, I bet you're all wondering what your wonderful teacher has in store for you." Urahara grinned at the dawning looks of abject terror on the teenagers' faces. Isshin had certainly given him an excellent way to relieve the boredom now that the Winter War was over.

"Health Studies project?" Keigo asked stupidly. "Didn't we already do our Health Studies course back in the fall?"

"Congratulations for paying attention, Asano," the excited teacher said. "However, since I was not aware of some things until recently, I believe a refresher course is in order. So, for one week, perhaps two if I feel you have not completely gotten the message, you will all become parents. To make things as real as possible, Urahara-san has graciously allowed us to use these prototype dolls that have been developed especially for this purpose."

"You flatter me," Kisuke said, bowing to the young woman next to him.

"A doll? Can't we use an egg, or a sack of flour like other high school students?" Someone in the back of the class protested.

Ichigo slid down in his seat, hoping that the floor would open up and swallow him. Or that he'd suddenly wake up and find that the last five minutes had all been a dream. Or rather a nightmare because what his teacher had just announced was most definitely a nightmare. A nightmare that every teenager feared would come true.

"Ichigo, what is our teacher talking about?" Rukia had listened to the whole thing with deepening confusion.

"You missed it because you were away but we had a lecture on the consequences of premarital relations," he answered quietly, his face deepening to a color that could rival Renji's hair. "Apparently she doesn't think that we got the message because now we're going to have to spend the next several days pretending to be teenage parents to a doll created by Urahara. And anything created by Urahara is bound to bring trouble."

Rukia understood quickly what he meant and turned a deadly glare on the hat and clogged blond man at the front of the room. "Nii-sama will not be pleased," she told the ex-captain imperiously.

"Yare, yare, Kuchiki-san. I do not think this is one thing that you need to concern your brother with, now do you? After, he's a busy man. Something as simple as a school project wouldn't interest him." Even as he said it, the Shinigami genius knew exactly how Byakuya Kuchiki would react if he learned that his sister was going to be pretending to be a mother at the tender age of one hundred and fifty.

"That's the last thing we need," Ichigo hissed to his partner. Byakuya was already angry that Rukia had been indefinitely stationed in the Living World. The captain commander had wanted a member of the Gotei to look out for the members of Ichigo's group and keep him updated on their progressing powers. It was likely that he had plans for them once they died.

"But Nii-sama could put a stop to this," she returned in the same tone.

Ishida, whose own dread had been building in equal measure to his friends', turned to look at the petite Shinigami. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Kurosaki, Kuchiki-san. If your brother had any idea what was going on, he'd react very badly. We don't want to have to do damage control."

"Who's your brother again?" Tatsuki asked. She had been filled in on the particulars of the last several months but still couldn't keep all the facts straight.

"Nii-sama is…"

"A captain in the military, and head of a very old clan," Ichigo jumped in so as not to make matters worse. "He's very traditional," he added, looking at his teacher. She merely grinned, making him wonder what else she had up her sleeve. His warrior instincts were warning him of danger.

"Now then, if you're all done complaining, let me tell you who your partners for this assignment will be. Afterwards, Urahara-san will very nicely demonstrate his new invention." Several minutes later amongst protests and cheers, Ichigo and his friends groaned in defeat. It was official.

The universe hates us.