281A/N: Several people to thank: maaka oro, Grimelark, jaywillia, bleach-otaku, Nightkill, Dark Inu Fan, kurukurupa, Rukia's Reflection, SilverStella, hollownature, Assault Godzilla, curio cherry, Thunder Claw03, MaN6A10v3r, Eradona, Shiso no Kitsune. And thank you to anyone who added this or its author to their lists. All right now, don't everyone faint at once. I know having another of my stories updated so soon after "TKA" and the last of "GP" is a little shocking but I hope you'll enjoy this.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.
Every Teen's Worst Nightmare
For the Entertainment of Old Men
When the stack of papers detailing Byakuya and Ichigo's latest fight was placed on Yamamoto's desk, he didn't know whether to cackle with amusement or devise ways of punishing the two captain-class Shinigami. A part of him wanted to wring their necks, regardless of the former's social status and the latter's remaining humanity. Another part, the one that was bored to tears, enjoyed the thought of the two going all out just because the kid had got caught napping on the lap of the girl he liked.
Personally he was partial to naps and took them often when no one was around. He'd even dozed once or twice during a captains' meeting when the younger generation had gotten it into their heads to argue with each other for an extended period of time.
"Is this it?" he asked his lieutenant wearily, as if the thought of reading everything exhausted him. In truth it did although he was a great believer in detailing what went on with the members of his military. Despite what his underlings thought, he didn't usually enjoy the copious amounts of paperwork they diligently (or not so diligently in some cases) filled out for him. Reports were a necessary evil and helped maintained order.
At least to some degree.
"Yes, sir."
"And the mass memory modification in the World of the Living is finished?"
"Soi Fon-taicho is on her way to report, Soutaichou," Sasakibe replied.
"Excellent." While he waited for the prompt captain to show up, he'd read the first dozen pages or so of what had gone on recently in the Byakuya Kuchiki vs. Ichigo Kurosaki saga. If the noble had freaked out about a little nap, the old general couldn't wait to find out what happened once the daiko finally got up the nerve to ask to court the Kuchiki princess. Her brother would surely rain destruction on both dimensions then. Even if it filled his office with enough paper for a small forest, he wouldn't be bored for the next century with those two around.
Yamamoto sighed and wondered if he should increase his daily naps.
Isshin and Kisuke sat around the latter's table and laughed continuously for several minutes, making Yoruichi and even Tessai wonder if they'd finally lost what little of their sanity they had left. The two had been at it since learning what had set Byakuya off this time, congratulating themselves on a job well done. The feline-like ex-captain was about ready to knock their heads together just to get them to shut up when they finally stopped to pull much needed oxygen into their lungs.
"Oh, my, Isshin, I haven't had that good a laugh in a long time. Poor, innocent Ichigo was just napping. I would have loved to have seen the look on both their faces when they realized what was going on."
"Sadly, you couldn't use Raiden's eyes to spy as they've left him with Eriko-san since the 'babysitter' mode was available."
"True, true, but imagining it may be more fun than the actual truth." The comment sent them off again and Yoruichi did hit them then before walking out the door in a huff. She really shouldn't have come back so soon.
"Sometimes she's so contrary," Urahara sighed, gingerly prodding the lump that was beginning to form on his head. With a touch of kido he healed it enough to stop the ache, knowing from past experience to leave some evidence of her abuse otherwise he'd get beaten twice as hard next time.
Isshin didn't bother touching the forming bruises, knowing that he might get off lightly from his son if he showed up already beaten by Ichigo's bankai mentor. "You'll have to find a way to soothe her temper. I think she's become somewhat bored. Yoruichi-san really should have enjoyed this project with us."
Urahara's laughter ebbed, and he glanced towards the kitchen. "I think she misses the excitement of the old days more than she lets on. Perhaps I should send a request for Soi Fon to come and spend some time with her. Those two could pal around or fight, whichever their hearts desired."
"A wonderful idea." Isshin sighed and stood. "Well, I should be heading home. Karin and Yuzu will begin to wonder what's taking me so long and I really should go see how my son and precious third daughter are doing."
"Of course, of course." The blond scientist watched his old friend leave before sighing and leaning back against the nearest door frame. "This has been so amusing."
"I'm happy for you but can you please refrain from creating situations that nearly destroy our home?" Yoruichi snapped, opening the door and watching with a satisfied smirk as he fell backwards to gaze up at her.
"Yare, yare, Yoruichi, is that what has you so upset?" Urahara sat up and patted his lap. "Come here and I'll stroke all your worries away."
"Dirty old man," she muttered, but transformed and allowed herself to be petted. He'd known her long enough to find all the best spots. Maybe she could put up with him for another century or so.
If he behaved.
Ichigo groaned and opened his eyes when the glow of Orihime's healing shield ceased. "Thanks, Inoue," he said, sitting up slowly. The Rikka wielder nodded and smiled politely although she wasn't as enthusiastic as usual.
"You're welcome, Kurosaki-kun, but you really should stop doing things to make Kuchiki-san angry," she admonished.
"Which one?" he muttered.
"The brother, although with the glares you're getting from your 'partner,' perhaps you should just include both siblings into that scenario," Ishida returned. "If the elder doesn't shred you into tiny pieces, the other will freeze you until you shatter into tiny pieces."
"Ishida-kun, don't be so mean," Orihime tried. "Although, you may be right," she pondered.
"Of course, I am. Let's go, Inoue-san, we still have homework to finish." Ishida helped her stand and started out of the daiko's room. "Try not to create a catastrophe during the night. Kei's internal computer as learned the art of sleeping through the night. I'd like to enjoy it without interruption."
"I'll do my best," Ichigo muttered.
"I'm just going to see if Captain Kuchiki needs my help with healing his wounds and then we can go," Orihime decided. "See you tomorrow, Kurosaki-kun," she called over her shoulder.
"Later," he said, rising slowly. "Now to go find the midget."
Ichigo found her in the nursery, Raiden playing near her while she did her homework. He wondered if she'd be this diligent with the assignments once her brother left. "Finally back in one piece?" she asked icily, not bothering to look up.
"Aa," he murmured, sinking down beside her. The doll crawled over and he let it take a seat in his lap.
"Mama mad," the toddler informed him, the meaning of his father's snort going over his small head.
"Whatever gave you that idea?" Ichigo asked under his breath.
"Do you know why I'm angry?" Rukia snapped, finally facing the two males.
"I can guess," he ventured.
"Enlighten me," she gritted out.
Ichigo opened his mouth to answer but thought better of it when he noticed the militant light in her violet orbs. Setting aside the doll child, he reached over and snagged her wrist, pulling her into his arms so that he could secure his own safety. If he left her limbs free, she was liable to hit him the moment he said something she didn't like.
"Ichigo!" she protested, struggling. He'd never held her prisoner like this before. Her desire to hit him increased so perhaps it was a good idea that he had her pinned.
"Now that I'm safe for the moment," he said, grunting when her elbow still knocked into his stomach. Adjusting his hold slightly, he went on. "You're embarrassed because your brother saw us in what could be considered a compromising position and you're angry that you didn't do something more to wake me up before he got there."
"Try again," she said, the realization that she hadn't minded that he was using her lap as a pillow heating her cheeks.
"You're afraid word will get back to Ukitake-san and he or Gramps will punish you for acting unprofessional?"
"That hadn't occurred to me until now, but no, that isn't it either," she growled. It had never occurred to her that her superiors would say anything. After all her brother had done enough "punishing" for the both of them should they have been so inclined. Not that her captain would have been. He'd probably just chuckle and tell her to let it go.
"I'm out of ideas then," he admitted, loosening his hold for a moment.
Rukia took advantage of his distraction and freed herself, standing over his sitting form, hands on her hips. "I'm angry, because you and Nii-sama destroyed half of downtown with your fight and attracted a whole horde of Hollows, including several Menos Grande!" she nearly screeched.
"So you're angry with him too?" he asked hopefully, staying on the floor. It was probably best if he didn't try to get up. She looked about ready to go into her lecturing mode and wouldn't appreciate it if he looked like he was going to leave.
"Yes! I don't think I've ever been so angry at you two. You've put our entire existence in jeopardy as well as the safety of the thousands of souls that were in danger because of your uncontrolled spiritual pressures."
Ichigo sighed and pretended to look chagrined. "Look, I'm not saying it's all my fault, or all his fault but we should have taken the fight outside the city. That way the Hollows that showed up wouldn't have gone after so many people."
"I'm still angry."
"I can see that," he said wryly. "I will admit that it was my fault for not waking up when you wanted me to," Ichigo offered. Reaching up, he pulled her closer, keeping an eye on her tiny feet. "To make up for it, I'll buy you that Chappy doll we saw on our way to school today."
"I didn't think you were awake enough to notice what was going on around you this morning." They had passed a shop advertising the newest plushy after coming out of the coffee shop. Ichigo hadn't even twitched when she'd mentioned it, instead sipping his caffeine infusion like it was a lifeline.
"There are a lot of things I see that I don't talk about," he said, his words having more than one meaning.
Rukia mulled the bribe over, wondering if she should milk it for all she was worth and get her brother to do the same. "You're trying to bribe me," she accused.
"Yes," he admitted, unrepentant.
"Why can't I stay mad at you for long?" she asked, allowing his sudden smirk to get to her. "I should beat you senseless instead of letting you buy me a toy."
"You beat me up nearly everyday. It's not everyday I willingly offer to buy you anything that has the word 'Chappy' associated with it," Ichigo pointed out.
"I could hate you," she sighed and went back to doing her homework.
"But you don't," he rejoined. "When you're done with that let me know and we'll go get your Chappy." Standing, Ichigo grinned and went back to his room to do his own work.
When they left a half an hour later, they were completely in harmony with each other, even with an eighteen month old electronic child tagging along to negate any romantic feeling to the outing. Isshin saw them from the clinic window and rubbed his hands together, thinking gleefully about how much they looked like a young family going for a walk before dinner. He might have started this project to relieve boredom but if all went well; his son would finally become a man.
"Dad, stop laughing like a lunatic and come to dinner!" Karin shouted.
"Coming, my darling daughter!"
He just had to be careful they didn't cotton on to his true motive.