281A/N: Just a handful to thank for reviews: Rukia Kurosakii, Rukia's Reflection, Assault Godzilla, skymaster23 and Dark Inu Fan. And thank you to everyone who put this or its author on their lists.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.
Every Teen's Worst Nightmare
This Just Keeps Getting Better and Better
Finally paired up, Ichigo's friends gathered around each other for moral support while the dolls were passed out. Tatsuki had been added to the "Substitute Group" by virtue of being assigned Chad as a partner. Those two were almost guaranteed an "A" because they were both rational and responsible young adults who didn't have partners that were liable to forget what they were doing when it came time to tend the "baby."
Uyruu and Ichigo weren't as fortunate. Not that Orihime and Rukia were irresponsible, they were just different. Rukia didn't know what to make of the mechanical doll and Orihime could be just the tiniest bit absent minded at times. Not to mention klutzy. With dread they turned their attention back to Urahara as he explained how they worked.
"Your attention, please. If you'll turn to the little booklet attached to the baby's clothing, you'll note that all the little buttons and holes are explained in glorious detail so that even the simplest of people can understand." While Urahara looked pointedly at Ichigo, the entire class directed their gazes at Keigo. The brunet was busy ignoring the explanation in favor of plotting ways to attract girls' attention. Mizuiro was ignoring him as usual although he agreed with everyone's assessment and was also thinking of ways to use the doll to his advantage.
"These drawings are no better than Rukia's," Ichigo said in complaint. "Did Tessai-san do these?"
"Correct! He'll be delighted that you recognized his work. As I was saying, the explanations are clear but here are the basics. The babies have been programed to require food every two to three hours. I made it as random as possible so you won't be able to figure out a pattern. Before you leave, make sure to take a goody bag with you. It contains a special bottle that the baby will respond to in order for the computer inside to register that it's been fed. Please don't wash it, it'll ruin the electronics.
"For the first three days there will be no "babysitter's" function as described in the manual. After the allotted time, the baby will work as if it were at a sitter's so that you can bring it to class without major interruptions." Urahara grinned, liking his role more and more. When Isshin had called him two days ago, he'd been skeptical until he realized that it would be a great way to not only relieve boredom but also to collect data on certain spiritual pressures. He'd designed three specifically for collecting such information and they were now in the hands of the group he'd help foster since last spring. Tatsuki Arisawa was an interesting addition as she had spiritual awareness yet no distinct power of her own. At least she didn't at the moment.
"Does that mean that we get to stay at home for the first three days?" Keigo asked, some of the other boys adding their hopeful inquiries to his loud voice.
"Nice try, but no," his teacher said forcefully. "If you think skipping is going to do you any good, you better have a note saying you're dead or dying as an excuse."
"Does brain dead count?" Tatsuki muttered. Those closest to her cracked a grin or smirk but didn't say anything in return.
"Class, Urahara-san has been nice enough to explain how the mechanics work. You should all thank him because that's as much instruction as you're going to get. Tomorrow Kurosaki-sensei is going to come in and talk about the wonders of pregnancy for those of you who are uniformed. That means all of you."
"It was my pleasure, Ochi-san," Urahara said, bowing to her and the students. He left with a spring in his step.
The bell signaling their free period rang five minutes later, making every single teenager sigh in relief. Ichigo and his friends stayed where they were, contemplating their doom. "Ishida, you have to get your dad to take the old man's place. There is no way we can survive a lecture from him."
"Hn, my father doesn't have time to stand in front of a bunch of sixteen year olds and give them the details."
"He's a Quincy too, right? Can't you prick his pride or something? Surely he wouldn't want to be out done by an ex-Shinigami captain." Ichigo was desperate. The embarrassment of having his father come into class would surely kill him. He really didn't want to be a full time resident of the Soul Society yet.
Ishida would have taken offense at the dig about pride but he was too busy contemplating the benefits of getting one back on his father to notice. "I can try."
Tatsuki was still amazed that the goofball Isshin Kurosaki had once been a powerful Shinigami to comment on the surprise that Ishida's dad, who she'd never met, was also someone with power although it made sense. If things like that ran in families, it was only logical to assume that Ishida-sensei was also a Quincy but what did pride have to do with anything? "Can't we just have one of our parents call and complain? I'm sure Mom would save us. Or maybe Kuchiki-san's brother. You said he was very traditional. He probably won't like this."
"Ichigo was right. We don't need to bother Nii-sama with this. He's busy with the clan and the sixth division." Rukia looked alarmed by the thought of her brother interceding on their behalf. "Really, I'm sure that we can handle this. It's only a week right? If we can get Ishida's dad instead of Kurosaki-san to do the lecture, then everything will be fine." The petite Shinigami looked down at the small bundle she'd been holding for the last half hour. "I hope. This thing is so small. I've never held a baby before. All the kids I took care of in Inuzuri were already walking by the time they came to the Soul Society."
Everyone but Tatsuki murmured soft assurances. They understood that she had been the caretaker of a great number of kids during her time in the Rukongai. "Don't worry, midget. Luckily for you, I still remember when the twins were that size."
"Like I'll let you hold it. With my luck, you'd probably drop it from that great height of yours and break it." Ishida tried to suppress a laugh as he pulled out his cell to call his dad.
"As much as I would enjoy the argument that is clearly brewing, let me go see if Ryūken Ishida will come out of his lofty tower long enough to save us." He excused himself and went into the hall. Ishida had his father's private line programed into the cell's speed dial although he never used it.
"Uyruu, I hope this is an urgent matter. I am extremely busy."
"I wouldn't bother you unless it was. My teacher informed us today that you did not return her call and thus she was forced to go to Kurosaki's father for help. Now we are in danger of having to listen to an ex-Shinigami lecture us on pregnancy. I had assumed that you'd rather do so yourself than have Isshin Kurosaki do a presentation since you clearly know him and the type of person he is. Perhaps I was mistaken." If his father did it, it was likely to be clinical and to the point. Short and not sweet but at least the embarrassment factor would be down to nearly zilch. No one would want to engage in any activity that could lead to such things if the elder Quincy's lecture would be like how he thought it would be. Isshin Kurosaki's on the other hand would likely make it seem a desirable thing and no one in the "Substitute Group" wanted that.
For once the elder Ishida did not snap back with an icy rejoinder or easy dismissal. "Isshin Kurosaki?" came the strangled reply instead. "That fool is more than likely to make it sound like a wondrous event rather than an undesirable disaster for teenagers. He is unfit to be teaching my son about such things."
Ishida didn't point out that it was a little too late for him to be getting a lecture. He'd learned a long time ago the clinical aspects of it all. "Then can I assume you will make yourself available to do so in his stead?"
"Leave everything to me." The archer grinned when his father hung up without saying goodbye. For once he had manipulated the manipulator.
Returning to the classroom it was to find his partner in parenthood cooing over the fake doll while she fed it the special bottle. He liked Orihime, he really did. Probably more than he should since he still thought she was stuck on Kurosaki but sometimes he had to wonder about her sanity. Having six different flower spirits, each with their own personalities should have warned him about something although he wasn't sure about what that something was.
"We are saved, as you say, Kurosaki. My father has, in his oh-so-gracious manner, agreed to help us. No doubt the school principal and your father are going to be getting calls fairly soon."
"Thank you, man, really. It's bad enough he'll probably have some insane set up in my room or the girls' when we get home." Ichigo placed his books in his desk, deftly taking the doll so that Rukia could do the same. He doubted that the day would be very productive but he could at least hand in last night's homework. "Maybe we'll all luck out and he'll have done it before we get home. Don't forget Urahara's goody bag, Rukia. At least the dolls respond rapidly to being fed."
"You know the rest of us are kind of lucky. Mom will get a kick out of this and you three live alone. Ichigo has to deal with his dad making a big deal out of this and Rukia almost seems to live in fear of her brother finding out." Tatsuki looked between her project partner and the others.
Orihime gave their doll to Ishida so that she could get her homework out of her bag. "You haven't met Captain Kuchiki. He's really strict when it comes to Kuchiki-san. He's the clan's head noble and is very traditional, Kurosaki-kun was absolutely right in that."
"If he's got a stick up his butt, I probably don't want to."
"Mm," Chad agreed almost silently.
"I suppose you four should decide how to split the duties up between you. At least there's one advantage living in the same house as Rukia. Neither of us will get much sleep but unless there's a rise in Hollow activity, we shouldn't become total zombies." Ichigo opened up the manual, intent on memorizing its contents before the end of the period. Rukia might have an innate maternal streak but when it came to electronics, she didn't fare so well.
Tatsuki looked at her partner and smiled hesitantly. "I can ask Mom if you can stay with us while the project is going on. We have an extra room so I'm sure it wouldn't be a bother. Teaming up that way sounds a whole lot better than each of us taking it for a whole night. Why should those two reap all the benefits?"
"It would be appreciated." Chad liked cute things but with his big body, he wasn't sure how delicately he could handle such things. Then again, Urahara had made it so it was probably very durable.
"Let me go call her now. That way, you can pick your stuff up on the way to my house." Tatsuki left the room, not noticing the blush that had blossomed on Orihime's cheeks.
"You're welcome to do the same, Ishida-kun," she offered shyly. "It would be easier than trading off like Tatsuki said. Plus, I have my flower spirits that can help."
Ishida gazed at the doll in his arms and thought about the situation. His analytical mind weighed the pros and cons, coming up heavily on the side of the cons. "Sure, I guess that's the best way. You might be able to have the flowers help you, but they might be too tired to do their real jobs if you use them all the time. Plus, it will tire you out." Ichigo looked up from his reading long enough to cast a significant eye his way. The Quincy ignored the knowing gleam and cleared his throat. "If you don't really mind, that is."
"Of course not! You're always the perfect gentleman, Ishida-kun. That way, we can work on our handicraft projects together too. And I get to share my meals with one of my dearest friends. It gets lonely eating by myself."
"I see." He'd forgotten that con. Why had he said yes again?
"Well, I see that's settled. Rukia, the doll is starting to cry. You might want to try feeding it." Ichigo ignored the venomous look she gave him as she did just that. He was going to have a hard time prying the doll out of her hands. About to go back to reading the booklet, Ichigo was startled by the banging of the classroom door.
"Ichigo! You have to help! I just dropped Keigo Jr. on his head and he won't stop crying! What do I do?" The over exuberant teen came dashing into the room and dropped to his knees in front of Rukia. "Rukia-chan, won't you help too? You obviously have a very maternal touch. Unlike my partner." Keigo had been paired with Chizuru so no one could dispute that fact. Ichigo's eyes dropped to the page he was on and smirked when he saw the description.
If you happen to drop the baby on its head, you've done a very bad thing parenting wise but luckily for you, this baby comes with an easy fix to stop the crying. Simply open the panel on its chest and push the fourth green button on the right. Your baby now has more than a fifty percent chance of being brain damaged (nothing to laugh at mind you) but at least it will stop crying.
"Let me see it," he sighed, exasperated. The description had fit Keigo to a "T" but he didn't say anything. Dropping a baby on its head was a serious matter but he doubted Keigo would understand that. "Keigo Jr., huh? That was real original. Well, at least it's definitely your child now. Dropping it on its head can cause brain damage, you know. I'm sure the computer inside this thing has recorded the event. If you don't do anything else to it, you just might pass with a C." The Shinigami daiko stopped the crying, much to everyone's relief.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! Honsho, I fixed our baby!" the brunet yelled on his way out the door.
Orihime patted her child's back and jumped when a realistic burb sounded from the doll. "Wow, that was so real."
Ishida pushed up his glasses, resigned to an awful week. "Indeed. What next, realistic diaper changing?" No sooner had he asked than a rank odor was emitted from the baby's bottom.
Ichigo tipped back in his seat in an attempt to get away from the smell. "You had to ask," he groused. "This just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?"
Rukia, seeing all three males take an instinctive step away from the odor, snarled at them. "You three are acting like babies yourselves. It's a natural part of the human body. Even babies that I've met in the Seireitei have this reaction. You better toughen up by the time you have children of your own. I can't believe three brave warriors who faced Arrancar and Aizen without fear are scared of a fake baby who passed some gas that Urahara created."
"Blood and guts are one thing," Ichigo protested. "That gas or whatever smells worse than rotten eggs. And don't count us out on changing diapers. We're just not used to the smell, that's all." He felt the need to defend his gender.
"Uh, guys, I hate to butt in but farting isn't the only thing these dolls do," Tatsuki put in as she returned from calling her mother. "Orihime's got something on the back of her shirt."
The flower wielder tried to see what her friend was talking about but only made herself dizzy by spinning around several times. "I don't see it."
"Damn, Rukia's got something on the back of hers too. Urahara is so dead. Tatsuki, why don't you take them to the bathroom and help them clean up. We can handle things here. Guess we really need to finish reading this manual before any other surprises happen."
The three males were left alone with three electronic babies and they immediately dived into the booklets in order to save themselves from the ex-Shinigami's mischief. They read as fast as they could and winced every time one of their classmates yelled for their teacher out in the hall.
"You know, I miss my mother something awful but until now I didn't realize how much I would have needed her as a teenager." Briefly he thought about taking a trip to the Soul Society to search for her soul just so that he could ask for advice but pushed the thought aside. While he hoped that she was waiting for them, he wouldn't have minded finding out that her soul was already being reincarnated. After being a part of the Grand Fisher for so long, she deserved it.
Both of the others agreed although they didn't say so. "I don't suppose either of you would object if I put a couple of arrows through Urahara's hide when this is all over."
"No," was Chad's only comment.
"Go right ahead. I'll even hold him still."
"I didn't think so."
A/N: The little description from the manual I added refers to an actual sign of brain damage or trauma from a baby falling on its head. Not that fifty percent is the actual chance something is wrong. That's just a guess on my part. It's no laughing matter but I put it in there to show how inept Keigo was for this sort of thing. Along with immediate crying, loss of consciousness and vomiting are also signs something is wrong. I got the information from a doctor's article at . Quite appropriately, it's called, "Why Not To Drop Your Baby On His Head."