"I'm dead," Blaine exclaimed dramatically, plopping his head on the café's table. "I'm so dead. Goodbye, cruel world! Life was great while it lasted, but I guess seventeen years were all that was meant for me. Oh, woe is me! What have I ever done to deserve this?"
"Ah, yes. The horrors of a rich, young teenager's life. You have a loving and totally supportive family that wishes to throw you a birthday party, where they will most likely shower you with expensive gifts and warm hugs. Hell, some kids never get a clown for their birthday party, I'm sure your mom would get you the whole circus, if you wanted one. What a cruel and unusual punishment! Run, Forrest, run before it is too late!" David laughed, while Blaine lifted his head to cast one of his best friends an irritated look.
"When you become a president, you should make having a great birthday party thrown for you an alternative for a life sentence," Wes, his other best (but only for now) friend, added.
"It's not funny! It's serious like a heart attack and my own best friends are making fun of my misery? Thanks. Thanks a lot." Blaine put his phone on the table and took another sip from his cup of black coffee. "And why would I want a clown at my party, anyways? I'm turning seventeen, not seven. I should have made Wyatt my BFF when I still had a chance – he at least would have wallowed in my sorrows with me instead of fist pumping."
"See! It always could be worse," Wes said, before drinking his own double-half-fat-with-extra-whipped-cream-something. And Blaine was supposed to be the gay one?
"No, it probably couldn't be. You just don't get it," Blaine sighed. "My parents are throwing me that stupid party and my whole family will be there. They want to see me, congratulate me, and yes, shower me in expensive gifts. That's all very well, but they also want to meet my boyfriend—the same boyfriend with whom I've been going out for nearly three months now. MY NON-EXSISTANT BOYFRIEND!"
"Hmm, yes. That does complicate things a bit."
David was the king of understatements right then. 'A bit' didn't even begin to cover it!
This whole mess really started nearly three years ago, when Blaine finally "found his balls," as David called it, and came out to his parents. Blaine's dad was cool with it, he told him that Blaine was his son and of course he would love him no matter what. And his mom…well, she was even a bit too excited about it. Blaine's the baby of the family; he has two older brothers. His mom had always wanted a daughter, but was told by a doctor that due to some complications during her pregnancy and childbirth when she was pregnant with Blaine, she could have no more children. Blaine guessed that she saw him being gay as the universe's way of repaying her for that.
In the Anderson residence it was just Blaine, his mom, dad, grandpa Blaine Sr., and his two brothers. In a house full with testosterone, a gay son was the closest his mom could hope to get to "girl time." Plus, Blaine was and always would be her baby, being youngest and all. She was very supportive and the best mom any gay or straight guy could wish for, but having a talk about which celebrity guys he found 'hot' with his mom was weird no matter what the circumstances were. At that time he saw no reason why he couldn't humor her just for a bit. It turned out that she was in fact carefully taking notes of his preferences for later use.
When Blaine was fifteen his mom started to play match maker. It was barely noticeable at first; she would just make offhand comments like, "That Rothberg boy sure has grown up handsome. Right, Blaine? You know, I heard he plays violin. You have so much in common, Blaine." Then, out of the blue, just days later the Rothberg family would be invited for dinner at their house, with ''the handsome, charming, straight A student'' James Rothberg conveniently sitting right next to Blaine. That's very subtle, mom!
And James was just the first of what turned out to be a long line of guys his mom would introduce him to. How lame was that? James also turned out to be the first one that he specifically didn't pay any attention to. Being in a relationship with some guy from his country club did not seem appealing to him in any shape or form. He knew that his mom just wanted him to be happy and not miss out on teenage romance just because of his sexuality, but that was not a problem.
Getting boys was always easy for Blaine. He didn't like to brag but, for his age, he had a lot of experience. No, just kidding—of course he'll brag. Going to a private school had a lot of advantages, and one of them was the freedom to do things that your parents might frown upon, if they only knew. Dalton was not that hard to get out of, even on school nights. (Especially if you could pay your dormitories' guard to conveniently look other way while you sneaked out.) There were clubs in town that he frequently visited with his friends, money opening all doors for them. He never lacked for male companionship, and he never exerted any effort for boys—it was a well-known joke with his glee club, the Warblers. There were always guys just like him—young, gay, a little bit stupid, possibly intoxicated and looking for a good time.
Of course, he couldn't just tell his mom that the reason why her darling baby boy never dated was because he preferred to stick with one night stands with random, nameless guys from clubs.
Instead, he convinced his mother that he felt like he was too young for a relationship and was still coming with terms with his sexuality and how it would affect his whole life.
And that bullshit actually worked for a year.
After he turned sixteen, his mom was just not buying his cover story anymore. His mom outright asked him if he was asexual. That was one embarrassing conversation he was still trying to forget. After he confirmed to her that he did in fact think about guys in sexual way, she doubled her efforts to introduce him to every gay, bi, or just "gay-ish looking" teenage boy she knew, and while some of them were okay, (a blowjob that he got from George Temple behind the family stables even deserves an A+), having a boyfriend just wasn't for him.
So three months ago, when his mom called him to ask how he was and to once again nag him about not experiencing the wonders of teenage romances, he had a brilliant idea to tell her that he was seeing someone, just to make her stop.
A brilliant idea that has landed him into a deep pile of shit.
"Well, maybe you can tell your family that you and your imaginary boyfriend had a fight and broke up?" David suggested.
Blaine sighed heavily, knowing that David's idea was no good. "No, I can't. Just two days ago I was telling my mom over the phone that we're better than ever and it's all sunshine and puppies for me and my lover boy. She would suspect something was up if I just announced that I broke up with the guy. She wouldn't believe me. And I can't tell her that he simply didn't want to come. My mom insisted that I bring my boyfriend, which means that it is not up for discussion. If needed, she will hire someone to kidnap and bring my imaginary boyfriend. I've been happily fake-dating this guy for three months—she said that it's time to introduce him to my family."
"How about you just come clean?" Wes offered. "You already told your parents that you're gay, and they are fine with that. They will still love you, even if you admit to them that you are a lying man whore."
Blaine sent Wes his best death glare. Man whore? That's such a crude term. Personally, he prefered sexually promiscuous.
"Right, I'll just call my parents and tell them about lying and sleeping around, which will lead them to asking questions. And that will lead them to finding out about going to clubs, about drinking, about sneaking out and about parties. Great idea, Wes! I'm sure that once my parents pull me out of Dalton, your mom and dad will start asking questions too. Your dad will find out all about it from mine during their weekly golf game and somehow I doubt that your parents will believe that you, being my best friend, didn't know about any of this and didn't participate yourself." Blaine watched how Wes' face became drained of all color. His dad was in politics and for his family, appearance was everything. Wes' parents wouldn't be happy to find out about those parties where, after few drinks, he had been pretty 'man whore-ish' himself, with girls that were definitely not his girlfriend of two years, Maggy, or that time when a night of too much fun ended for him with a black eye and a split lip. "Still think that's a good idea?"
"Well, maybe you could…no, that won't work…hmm…"
Yes, deep, deep pile of shit.
They sat in the mall's café for a few more minutes, trying to find a way out of the problem, but it was no good. They finished their coffees and decided to walk around a bit before they had to return to Dalton.
"I know! You should tell your parents that you're dating a sociopath."
"You know. You should tell them that he can be dangerous to others so you can't just bring him with you for the sake of your little cousins and grandparents, because they won't be able to outrun him if he was chasing them with an axe."
"Are you kidding me, David? Seriously?"
"You think I can just tell my parents that I'm dating a dangerous psycho and they will be okay with that?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm not hearing any ideas coming from you," David said.
"That's because I don't even bother saying something as stupid as that out loud!" Blaine argued back. This whole situation was putting him on edge.
"But you do admit that you were thinking it! I'm just trying to help here! And although the idea is stupid, it's also the best one we have right now! So don't even prete—"
"GUYS!" Wes yelled, surprising both of them. Wes was always the cool and collected one. "Ladies, please stop bickering and shut up. We all need to chill. I have an idea, so kiss and make up."
Blaine took a deep, calming breath. This really was getting ridiculous. "I'm sorry, David. I shouldn't have snapped at you."
"Nah, it's okay. You're stressed out, I get it."
And that's why these guys were his best friends. They shared everything, they helped each other out no matter what, and they never stayed angry at each other for long. Also, they were the only ones putting up with him.
"Listen, guys. It's really simple—you just have to find a guy to bring as your fake date."
"Sure, Wes. One problem though—exactly what am I going to tell them when they never see that guy again?"
"You tell them that you broke up."
"Right, and as soon as I tell my mom that, she will once again start pimping guys to me. Only now I won't have an excuse of not being ready to date." Blaine sighed. "This is hopeless."
"No, Blaine. I have an even better idea. You don't break up with the guy—you make sure that your family never wants to see him again!" Wes said simply.
"You have to find the most annoying guy on this planet to show to your parents, so that they never want to see him again."
Blaine grabbed Wes by his arms. "Wes, you're amazing! I could kiss you right now." Wes looked absolutely terrified for a moment there, probably because of a slightly crazed glint in Blaine's eyes. "But I won't, so don't get your hopes up."
Blaine released Wes and started quickly walking away, not even waiting for David and Wesley to catch up with him. "That's right! I will find a guy who gets on everyone's nerves just by being in the same room as them. My mom always told me how she didn't care who I dated, as long as he made me happy. Well, I'm going to test that. I have to find someone annoying and bitchy. Not too ugly, because it still has to be believable, but nothing special. Someone average at best. Oh, I'm brilliant! Why I didn't think of this sooner?"
"Hey, I was the one who thought of that," Wes said and was promptly ignored.
"My mom claims that her party invitations for my dad's college friend Mr. Ramsbottom always get lost in the mail, but in fact she actually never sends them because Mrs. Ramsbottom is, in her words, a "bitch of Naomi Campbell's proportions." I just have to make sure that from now on my boyfriend's invitations also get lost!"
"Wait! You know a guy named Mr. Ramsbottom? Man, I could come up with so many great jokes about that," David said and was ignored just like Wes.
Blaine suddenly stopped, making David, who was following closely behind, almost crash into him. "I need another coffee. I need to think this over while holding a scalding hot medium drip. Coffee makes me function better," he said and started walking in a trance-like state towards the closest coffee shop he could find.
"We just had coffee, like ten minutes ago. It can't be healthy to drink this much caffeine. Pretty soon your blood will start to turn into coffee," David complained but still followed Blaine to a small coffee shop his friend had spotted. Someone had to make sure that Blaine didn't injure any people in his coffee induced manic episode.
"I wish Blaine was this addicted to ice-cream. If he'd let me get a Cookie Dough ice-cream once in a while, I would even pay for his Coffee and Cream combination," Wes grumbled.
When the three Dalton boys entered the coffee shop there was thankfully only one customer before them, who appeared to be arguing with the barista.
"…And I'm telling you, this is not what I ordered!" yelled an angry looking tall guy who was wearing a letterman jacket.
"And I'm telling you that you really have nothing to complain about. A meathead like you could use something with less sugar in it. You're sweaty just because you're yelling at me. If you lost weight, maybe you could talk without feeling as if you're running a marathon," said a mocking, feminine voice. The tall guy was blocking the speaker from the view, so the Dalton boys couldn't see him.
"You little fag! I'm not fat!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I guess sweating like a pig is just your natural state of being."
"You better watch it, Hummel. You wouldn't be so cocky if your manager wasn't in the back room. I could punch your head in."
"Yeah, but I know the alphabet and can count to ten. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses."
"I'm warning you, cocksucker. You will not embarrass me."
"Oh, please. You're doing a pretty good job of that yourself."
All of a sudden the guy in the letterman jacket grabbed his drink and threw it at the person behind the cash register. Blaine could hear the liquid hitting the wall and something else. "Don't think this is over, twink," the jock said and stormed out of the coffee shop, knocking into Blaine's shoulder on his way out, but he paid no attention to that. He was shocked by what he had just witnessed.
Behind the cash register stood a guy who Blaine assumed was Hummel. He was a bit taller than Blaine himself, which wasn't saying a lot, and a sickly pale looking kid. Blaine could only see his torso, but his shirt was quite baggy, so he assumed that the guy was a bit pudgy himself and probably was not the one to talk about needing to lose a bit of weight. Hummel was wearing a ridiculous hat with a plush cup of coffee sewn on top of it and a standard uniform shirt in an ugly mustard yellow color. His left sleeve was drenched in what appeared to be coffee. Thankfully, it looked like the kid had managed to sidestep most of it, because a lot more was covering the wall behind the register.
"Shit, that's hot." Blaine heard the barista cursing, lifting the wet fabric away from his skin.
David appeared to be just as shocked about everything happening as Blaine. "Can you believe that guy? Who the hell throws drinks in someone's face?"
"Yeah, the guy's an asshole," Wes agreed. "Although, I can't really decide whether the barista is intentionally this bitchy or just plain stupid. He was practically challenging him."
"Yeah. No one deserves a drink thrown at them, but come on! He's the one working here and he messed the order up. Why was he so bitchy? Who does he think he is?"
That's the million dollar question, he guessed. Seriously, how anyone this rude and bitchy got a job in a coffee shop was beyond Blaine. He was almost afraid to order something; what if he got chewed up for needing to lose weight? Supposedly coffee does stunt your growth. Blaine suddenly had a vision of this guy telling him to go buy milk for extra calcium and to come back later, when he's a big boy. This guy was just putting off "I haven't met you but I already hate you" vibes. He was just so unlikable and…
Wait a second!
That crazed look was back in Blaine's eyes and a devilish smirk adorned his handsome face.
Beta read by awesome MonkeyMojo.
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