Happy Glee day!
Who is Nate? Chapter 6. Makes no sense? I rarely do, but just keep reading.
WARNING! I'll sleep first - beta tomorrow. It's middle of the night already for me.
If you need proper grammar, come back tomorrow.
Sending a text message to Kurt was the first thing Blaine wanted to do when he woke up in the morning. Well, the first thing Blaine did right after his morning Blaine-time.
Maybe it would be better said that the first person Blaine thought about in the morning was Kurt. That would be completely 100% true. After Blaine's birthday, Kurt had at first been a frequent guest in Blainer-time activities, but for some time now he had become the only one. There haven't even been hot threesome fantasies.
The good thing about that was, Blaine decided, the fact that Kurt could be easily placed in all kinds of outfits, places and scenarios. Kurt already dressed in daring cloths regularly, so it wasn't too hard to imagine that he could wear a sexy doctor or animal themed outfits. Much like the real-Kurt, it was never boring with Blaine's mind-Kurt, just in a different way. And it was a good thing, because now that Blaine knew real-Kurt a bit better, he also knew that it might be just him, mind-Kurt and his hand for a long, long time (Not that Blaine will stop trying).
This morning, probably inspired by those horny cats Blaine heard last night, it was the cat outfit wearing Kurt – very Michelle Pfeiffer a la ''Batman Returns'' just without metal claws, because who would want something like that anywhere in close vicinity of their manhood? The whip could stay. And, if at some point Blaine was Batman himself in this fantasy, it was just because he had a bad case of teenage-boy-mind. Kurt could lie on Blaine's bed all cat-like and sexy while Blaine would run around the room, flapping his wings/cape in equally sexy manner, seducing Kurt with his superhero's might.
Hottest fantasy ever.
After Blaine had cleaned up himself, he was just about ready to write a text to Kurt, asking him, if his boyfriend had any plans for today, but even before he reached his phone it rang loudly signaling him that he had received a text message.
Words ''1 New Message. From: Kunt'' flashed on his phone's screen.
''You're such an asshole!''
Short, straight to the point and yet very confusing for Blaine – a very Kurt-like message.
Kurt had called him asshole (among other things) many times before so was this Kurt telling Blaine a) You have done something wrong or b) Good morning, honey?
Blaine decided that sweet talking worked in both cases so he came up with a hopefully nice message.
''I was just thinking about you.''
''And indeed I was,'' Blaine thought to himself, but Kurt probably didn't want to hear about that. Telling your boyfriend that you masturbated while thinking about him in a sexy cat costume was most likely something one should save for their three week anniversary.
''There's a huge bruise around my left eye and even on my cheek. ''
Oh, so Kurt had finally seen himself in a mirror.
''So is this a bad time to ask you what your plans are for today?''
He received his answer less than 10 seconds later.
''I will maim you. Slowly.''
So that probably meant no, right?
Blaine's knowledge about dating was close to nothing. His sources of information were mainly his friends, brothers and crappy romance movies. Somebody had to write a book ''Dating for the first time, when you're both gay teenage boys and have problems with either emotional or physical side of romance. For dummies!'' Blaine would buy it and write a positive review. Heck, he would even make a book report about it.
All of his friends were pretty much idiots like him when it came to this dating thing and asking either one of his brother's for a dating advice was the absolutely the last resort. He would most likely pick up a phone book to randomly call strangers for advice, before asking them. Clearly sappy movies were the only sensible choice.
Heath Ledger in ''10 Things I Hate About You'' certainly made Blaine's heart speed up, so he was a good role model for his relationship with Kurt. Blaine even took notes – that's how serious he was about it. The first thing he wrote down, was ''consider growing out your hair'', followed by ''find out, if McKinley has an orchestra'', followed by ''ask Kurt, if he plays any instruments – this information probably will be useful in less than a month''.
They were all very good ideas, except maybe the one about growing out his hair, because, if Blaine's hair grew longer than it was right now, it would look like an afro. As much as he liked music Blaine was just not ready to have a hairdo that made his head look like a microphone.
Blaine had to be serious about this. He was really trying out that leaping in love-pool thing and he never did things half-assed. You can count on the fact that he will be one half of winning duo of the ''The Cutest Couple Ever'' competition. If Blaine was ready to give a chance to this dating business with someone, than he will do it by cutting their couple's name in an old tree, having a picnic on a moonlit beach and ridding away in the sunset on a lawnmower.
He was so serious about Kurt, that he even buried his little black book in the backyard.
Yes, indeed he did.
Granted, at first he had to actually get a little black book because who really had those anymore when you could just save names and numbers in a telephone? He went to a mall to buy one, but the closest thing they had was a black notebook with pink duck and hearts on it. He had a choice between that one and another one with two fluffy bunnies cuddling and one of them was licking the other one's floppy ear. That's how Blaine ended up with a little black book with pink duck on it (he also bought the one with bunnies for next semester's math class. They were adorable! He will name his notebook bunnies Kurt and Blaine, and Kurt-bunny will be the one licking Blaine-bunny, because…well, a guy was allowed to fantasize about his bunny-boyfriend doing that to him, right?)
When he got home he got, he sat down by his desk and started to copy names and numbers from his phone in his ''little pink ducky black book'', and, man, were there a lot to copy! He could actually feel how he was slowly developing a carpal tunnel syndrome in his right wrist. Most of the names he wrote down he honestly could not even place with a face. All the numbers were deleted from his phone after they were written down – in some ways it felt like a catharsis.
He found an empty butter cookie box in the kitchen (okay, it was half full before he found it, but Blaine ate all of the cookies. Sacrifices had to be made for greater good, and, if Blaine had to eat cookies in order to start a new life, than he was willing to bear this cross.) The box was buried in his back yard under a bush their gardener had trimmed in a shape of a dolphin following his mother's orders.
It was quiet poetic. Blaine was not just turning a new leaf – ha was starting a new book. It was out with the old ''little black with pink ducky and hearts book'' and in with the new ''cute bunnies cuddling book''.
He felt accomplished.
Also, he made a note to ask his mom to stop making weirdly trimmer bushes. They were slightly creepy and this was bound to get out of control, if his mom's imagination was not stopped.
It must have been the Universe sending Blaine a sign, when four hours later his educational TV watching time was interrupted by a phone call.
''Incoming call. From: Unknown'' were the words that flashed on his phone's screen.
''Hello?'' he asked.
''Hello to you too Blaine,'' a male voice almost purred.
''Yeah. Who is this?'' Blaine asked, still not really recognizing the voice.
''You're funny,'' the voice laughed.
''I am? I mean, yeah I am,'' Blaine said, still confused.
''What are you doing tonight?''
''Umm, homework. Mom asked me to do my laundry and then sleep, probably. Why?'' Blaine
''Want some company?'' the unknown voice purred.
Blaine felt really perplexed. ''You want to help me with my laundry?''
''No,'' the voice snapped, not as silky as it was moments ago. ''I meant, do you want some company with the sleeping part?''
Now Blaine realized where this was going. ''Umm, I'm sorry but, really, who is this?''
''It's Nate,'' he snarled.
''Of course,'' Blaine tried to sound as if he had known it all along.
''Right. You ended my call rather abruptly the other day, but you're lucky that you're so cute and good in bed, because I've decided to forgive you for that. So, I'm not doing anything and, from what you told me, you're not doing anything either. Maybe, you could be doing me,'' Nate said.
Well this was kinda awkward.
''Listen, Nate,'' Blaine began. ''Have you ever felt something special for someone? Like you like them and not just because you're physically attracted to them? Like you like just spending time with them and you don't even have to have sex for it to be a good time?''
There was a slight pause before Nate answered, no longer sounding like someone who gets paid for phone sex. ''Why are you asking?''
''Because I've been feeling like that lately. For the first time in my life.''
''Oh, Blaine,'' Nate gushed.
''Yes, I know – who would have thought? Me? I'm in…like, I guess. But it's true,'' Blaine told him.
''I 'm surprised too! It's so sudden.''
''I know, I know,'' Blaine said, bashfully. He suddenly had an idea. Blaine didn't know much about romance, but maybe he would not be forced to call random numbers asking for help after all. It was sort of awkward but it had to be done in the name of teenage dating and for Kurt. ''Umm, this is really embarrassing, but can I ask you something?''
''Yes!'' Nate exclaimed, but then Blaine could hear him taking a deep breath and calming down. Blaine thought that it was really swell how accepting and excited for Blaine's relationship with Kurt Nate was. ''Go ahead, what do you want to ask me?'' Nate said in a much calmer voice, purring again.
''This is really awkward and I've never done it before,'' Blaine admitted, feeling how his cheeks were heating up. He could almost feel how his Most Amazing Lover and Sex Beast reputation was slowly dying with each word he said. ''Like, theoretically, if this guy, whose a friend of mine…let's call him Brain Sexyson.''
''Ok,'' Nate giggled. ''Theoretically.''
''Right. Well, if Brain wanted to take this guy he really likes out for an amazing sort of a first date but not really a first date, because they have done, like, date-y kind of things before, where do you think they could go?''
''Date-y kind of things? Is that what people in your town call it?'' Nate teased.
Blaine thought back to seeing Kurt at Sunny's Café, at Hummel's Tires& Lube garage, retirement house and taking him out for a coffee and make-out session in the back of a car in the middle of a nowhere. ''I guess I have to use that term kind of loosely in this situation.''
Nate laughed again. Blaine realized that he was an easily amused guy and laughed along with him just so that he wouldn't have an awkward silence moment.
''Well, I'm not an expert either, when it comes to dating, but I think that the first date has to be grand. Your guy definitely loves grand gestures, gifts. Do something amazing, something over the top. You have money, is there a better way to spend it?'' Nate told him, confidently.
''You think so?'' Blaine asked, not feeling too sure about this idea.
''I know so,'' Nate told him and he sounded 100% certain.
''Ok, maybe you're right,'' Blaine agreed. In his situation any advice was a good advice.
Nate laughed again out loud. Man, he was a really fun guy. ''How could I not be right about this.''
''Thank you so much, Nate,'' Blaine said, feeling relieved now that he at least had an idea what to do with Kurt. A grand, romantic date – Blaine could definitely do that. ''Inception'' has taught him that the most resilient parasite is an idea while Justin Bieber has taught him to never say never – an idea an determination was all he really needed.
Kurt Hummel better hold on tight, because Blaine was ready to rock this world. To blow his mind. Or just to blow him. He was ready!
''You welcome, Brian Sexyson,'' Nate purred again.
''How did he kno-…ohhh, right,'' Blaine thought. Guess he'd been found out. He laughed along with Nate.
''Listen, I have to go, but it was really nice talking to you. I now have an idea where to take Kurt on our date. You have helped me soooo much, you don't even know!''
''Kurt?'' Nate asked.
''Yeah,'' Blaine sighed. ''Anyways, we should do it again sometimes. Maybe we could meet sometimes, if you're okay with that. It could be weird with our history, so no pressure. Call me sometimes, okay?''
''Kurt?'' Nate asked again in a meek voice.
Nate was just the funniest guy. ''Yeah!'' Blaine laughed. ''Anyways, got to go, bye.''
Before he disconnected the call Blaine thought he heard Nate asking again ''Kurt?'' Such a joker.
''Yes,'' Blaine thought to himself, reclining back on the bed ''I could officially change my name to Blaine the Love Doctor, because I have the all the knowledge and skills to back that up. Nothing gets pass Brain Sexyson…ahem, I mean, Blaine Anderson. Yeah. ''
Next Saturday morning:
The first time Blaine called, Kurt didn't pick up his phone at all. Blaine wasn't discouraged by it so he rang again less than a minute later.
Kurt didn't pick up again.
''Third time's the charm,'' Blaine said to himself and rang again.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee-
''What!'' Kurt snapped as a greeting.
''Hello Smookie Wookie! How are y-''
Kurt had hanged up on him.
'Fourth time is charming too, I guess,'' Blaine said and rang again.
No answer again.
''All good things come in fives.''
No answer. Again.
''Six is our number, really. 666 is the number of the Devil and Kurt's quiet a hell-cat.''
''Are you kidding me!'' Kurt yelled.
''Don'thanguponme, it'simportant,'' Blaine said really quickly.
''Are you harassing me now?''
''This is not harassment – it's dating. Couples do things like this. A friend of mine has a girlfriend who calls or texts him every 15 minutes. She's all like ''I'm entering mall'', ''having a salad'', ''retouching make-up'', ''leaving mall''. That's not harassment either, that is a very persuasive dating.'' Blaine explained.
''Well thank you for not informing me of every second of your life. I'm sure it probably would be a lot like ''just ate an innocent soul'' and ''Sending plague in 1,2,3''.''
''Oh my God, I just thought of you as a hell-cat, like, seconds ago. Twinsies!'' Blaine exclaimed in a nasal valley girl voice, probably annoying Kurt even more.
''I'm hanging up on you again.''
''Wait! I have a point for calling you, I promise,'' Blaine said. ''Why are you angry with me?''
''Which part of ''I will maim you'' you did not get?''
''Is this about your eye? I said, I'm really sorry, my Sweet Gummy-bear Koala.''
''Don't test me, Anderson. I have a bruise the size of my palm covering half of my face. I look like Phantom of Opera just instead of mask, I have my mega-bruise.''
''How could it be so big, it was just a small rock?''
''I'll have you know, I have a very delicate and sensitive skin,'' Kurt told him haughtily.
''Yes, I would love to know that from experience,'' Blaine murmured.
''No!'' Blaine shouted. ''Look out your window.''
''Look out your window.'' Blaine repeated.
''Why?'' Kurt asked.
''Come on, just do it. Don't be a scaredy cat.''
''Will you be throwing another rock at the other side of my face to make my bruises match?'' Kurt questioned.
''What? No! Of course not. Your face is very special to me, without it you wouldn't be able to make those adorable sneers or glares.''
Kurt didn't say anything for a moment but then Blaine heard him sighing. ''Fine.''
Blaine saw Kurt coming to his window and stopping there. Kurt just stood there for almost a minute not saying anything and not even moving a muscle but still holding his phone to his ear. On the other hand, Blaine was grinning so much his facial muscles hurt and he was hopping from one foot to the other in excitement.
Finally, he couldn't withstand Kurt's silence anymore and he said, ''Surprised? Get dressed for a date and come down here. Wear something warm.''
Hearing Blaine's voice must have snapped Kurt out of his stupor. He opened his window and slightly leaned out. ''Blaine,'' Kurt said, still talking in the phone although Blaine could hear him clearly now. ''Why is there a limo behind you?''
''I'm taking you on a surprise date, silly,'' Blaine said just barely managing not to jump up and down or clap his hands in glee.
''I got that, but why is there a limo?'' Kurt asked again.
''Do a guy really need a reason to come pick up his boyfriend on a date in a limo?''
''Not in a Kate Hudson movie, no. In real life tho… Do you have a history of mental illnesses?'' Kurt asked still in shock.
Now that Kurt was leaning out of his window Blaine could clearly see Kurt's bruised face. A huge purple bruise covered his eye, nose and went down his cheek. ''Wow, you weren't kidding. You do look horrible,'' Blaine said.
Apparently, having his appearance insulted was one thing that instantly snapped Kurt out of a shock. Things like that were good to know for future knowledge.
''No, not horrible. Rugged,'' Blaine quickly backpedaled. ''Handsom. Manly. Dangerous. Like Brad Pitt in ''Fight Club'' but with straighter teeth.''
''Whew,'' Blaine thought. ''Whose the king of smooth recovery?''
''Well, get dressed. We have places to be.''
Heeey! So just when you thought you have gotten rid of me, I'm back again. Like genital herpes! … or Freddy Kruger. Pick whichever you prefer.
Woke up today and I just felt like writing. I wrote this while sitting in the mall in like 4 hours – that's VERY fast for my ''I write in a speed of sloth marathon runner'' standards. My roommate's boyfriend came back home from abroad and they haven't seen each other for months. I'm pretty sure that they threw me out so that they can play monopoly. Right? I guess something about my temporary homelessness got me in the mood of writing…humor? Some people call it crack? I resent that! This is some deep and meaningful shit – there's drama, injuries, lies and verbal and physical abuse.
Misswarm is this insane scribbling into Chinese (Link: p/1439306284?pn=1 (without spaces)). I just…I…Wow! I feel full time fancy now.
A lot of people comment about my author's notes. Seriously? Don't you know that you are not supposed to read these things? I even make them bold just so that you know what to ignore. The fact that you do and even comment makes me feel like I now need to write something awe inspiring and interesting in them. Okay, so…uhm…Argentinean blue ducks have biggest penises in the world compared to their bodies…
And on this uplifting note, I'm signing out.
I like my reviews like Nature likes its Argentinean duck penises – long. ;D