6AN: Wow you guys, this is my first fanfiction away from the Death Note fandom in years. This is the power of brittana, my OTP of Glee. Episode 15 was beautiful, hopeful, and heartbreaking. I've changed the speech and had some fun with promo clips with this story. It's my first time writing these two so I hope I do them justice!
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"If you weren't gonna break up with Artie, why did you even want us to talk? Why did you sing with me and push me if you weren't going to be with me?" Santana wasn't bothering to try and wipe her tears now, a mixture of shock, sadness, and anger flickering across her face, as if she couldn't make up her mind about how she was supposed to feel. "Why am I here, confessing to you in the middle of the fucking hallway if you were just going to keep dating him?"
"Santana…" Brittany glanced around uncertainly, fiddling with the hem of her shirt nervously. "Listen-"
"No you listen!' she interrupted, taking a step forward. People were starting to stare but no one stopped to listen. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?" her voice cracked and Brittany winced, looking away. Santana grabbed her arm and Brittany's head jerked up, eyes meeting Santana's. "I've been trying to ignore this for years and for you to just…brush me off like that…"
"I'm dating Artie," Brittany said, voice trying to appear stern but wavering.
"I don't get it," she said, dropping Brittany's arm but not backing away. "You've only been dating Artie for a few months. We've practically been together for years. We've been best friends since grade school. Why would you choose him over me?"
Brittany's eyes looked ready to spill over too. "San," she said, voice choked but patient. "I wanted to be with you but you brushed me off first. I wanted to sing a duet with you and you said you were only with me because Puck wasn't around. It made me sad."
"I was scared," she pleaded, a note of desperation creeping into her voice. "I was so scared Brit, you have to know that."
The blonde looked at the floor, voice barely a whisper. "If I broke up with Artie, would you actually date me?"
Santana floundered, looking unsure. "I…"
"Don't lie."
Santana nodded and silence reigned for several minutes, the loud laughter and slam of lockers surrounding the two as they stood without speaking. Finally Santana took a deep breath and looked straight into Brittany's eyes. "If you broke up with him I'd…I'd date you." She sounded frightened but sure at the same time.
This statement only seemed to make Brittany sadder. "But San, I can't just break up with him."
"Why the hell not?" she snapped.
"I really care about him, and he's been nice to me. I don't want to hurt him. But when we break up, I'd love to date you."
Santana shook her head, backing away. "What, so you just want me to wait around until you break with him? Want some revenge for me being a bitch? Is that it?"
"No, Santana-" Brittany reached forward for Santana's arm but was slapped away.
"Don't touch me!" she screeched. Brittany recoiled and Santana turned and ran, fleeing through the halls and out the front doors. She dodged around cars, barely able to make out her own through her blurred vision. She tried to unlock the door, but her hands were shaking, and she dropped her keys twice. "Fuck," she said, finally managing to open the door and slip inside, slamming it shut behind her. A strangled sob escaped and she bit her lip, trying to force it back. She drove out of the parking lot, fighting to keep her composure. She nearly crashed twice before making it to the cemetery. She pulled to the side of the road and parked, moving away from the graves and sitting under a tree. At least if people saw her crying here, they wouldn't be surprised. She pulled her knees to her chest, finally allowing the sobs to rip from her throat.
She had been so sure that Brittany would accept her. Santana did not make herself vulnerable like that, she did not give people the chance to hurt her. And this just proved why. She'd always thought it was cliché to use the words heartbroken, but that's how she felt. She'd been totally open, just like Brittany wanted, and been rejected.
Santana felt like she was going to be sick. Her sobs echoed off gravestones in the deserted cemetery. Stands of dark hair stuck uncomfortably to her cheeks. She had never felt worse about herself in her entire life. As much as she hated to admit it, this was her fault. Brittany didn't want to break up with Artie, but she wouldn't even be dating Artie if it wasn't for her. If she hadn't rejected Brittany…hell, it's not like Brittany had asked to be an official couple at school. She'd just wanted to sing a duet in front of glee club. Santana knew she should have just said yes (she'd wanted to) or at the very least, been a little more gentle about it. But no, she was too brash and crude for that. She hadn't thought it would lead to Brittany actually dating.
Granted, the hookups hadn't stopped, though Santana had been a little surprised by that. She supposed everything she'd said to Brittany really stuck, and she probably really thought it didn't count as cheating. But Santana couldn't bear to let go of those nights, because they meant more to her than any night with any guy. They didn't even have to have sex. It sounded totally lame and she'd deny it if anyone asked, but she loved cuddling on the bed and watching TV too.
She cried until she couldn't anymore, and then sat there, eyes dead and staring blankly at the reddening sky. The pressure in her heart hadn't left her, but the tears had stopped coming. She felt sick, exhausted, and disgusting. She hadn't cried that hard in years. Finally she peeled herself off the ground and managed to drive home, locking her bedroom door and falling onto her bed, curling up under the blankets.
/…/…/…/
Santana felt like a total weakling for acting like those stupid girls who got depressed when their boyfriends broke up with them. Part of her regretted it, but she just couldn't go to school and face Brittany. She couldn't. Instead she spent half the day moping around inside, asking herself how she'd gone from being such a badass to being so pathetic. She spent the second half of the day in the park where she used to go with Brittany when they were little. Part of her was relieved when Brittany texted three times, asking where she was, and the other part of her felt worse for seeing any signs of the blonde. She didn't answer.
But after one day of moping she got up, got ready, and went to school. She tried to keep her head held high, tried to slip her bitch mask back into place, but she was barely keeping it together. She avoided Brittany the best she could, dodging behind people when she saw her in the hall, and sitting on the other side of the classroom for classes they shared. Brittany kept trying to catch her eye but Santana looked stubbornly at the blank pages of her notebook or at the teacher.
She felt even more pathetic for hiding like this, because it wasn't her. It wasn't her and she hated that one person could have so much control over her feelings.
But she couldn't avoid her forever, and inevitably ran into her when both girls stopped at their lockers. "Santana." Santana moved to turn away but Brittany grabbed her arm, forcing her to a stop. "Where were you yesterday? You didn't answer any of my texts, and you always answer them so I thought something must be wrong with my phone, but everyone else answered them so I thought something must be wrong with your phone, but then you've been ignoring me all day," she said in one breath, eyes gazing imploringly into Santana's.
"I just didn't answer them," Santana said, turning to face her locker.
"Why not?" Brittany asked.
"Why not?" She turned to her best friend, disbelief written across her features. "What do you mean why not? You rejected me Brittany, did you think things were just going to be okay after that?"
Understanding seeped onto her face and she shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know…I mean I still hung out with you after you wouldn't sing with me."
"Not as much," she growled bitterly, quickly moving to open her locker.
"I don't know what you want me-" Brittany cut herself off as a startled cry came from Santana. A wave of dirt crashed over the dark haired girl, spilling onto the floor. Brittany's hand rose instinctively to cover her mouth in shock as Santana stumbled backwards. Santana's eyes zeroed in on the word scribbled in hulking letters with permanent marker, and involuntarily she felt her eyes began to spill over. She wiped at them angrily as Brittany stepped forward, looking in the locker in confusion. It was only when she saw 'DYKE' that she turned back to her best friend. "Oh God, Santana…"
Santana slammed the locker shut, as if hiding the word would stop the talk, but evidently news had already reached the school. She could hear the chuckles, practically feel the smirks of the students behind her. She fled, abandoning her purse on the floor and making a beeline for the choir room. She stumbled inside, collapsing in a chair in the corner and sucking in a deep breath. This was what she had been afraid of. But now she didn't have Brittany to help her through it. Brittany was still with Artie so this bullying, it was going to all be for nothing. And she couldn't deal with it right now, not with everything else going on.
Santana hadn't noticed someone else entering the room, and it wasn't until warm arms engulfed her that she flinched back. "Shh, it's just me," Brittany whispered.
"I don't want you!" she cried, trying and failing to fling Brittany's arms off her. "Don't you get it? You said no! You said no! You could have the decency to leave me alone!" Santana struggled to move, to stand, to get away. She couldn't be in that room with her, not after what had happened, not when Brittany was trying to act like nothing had changed when absolutely everything had.
But Brittany didn't let go and the pair's struggle only ended with them falling to the floor. "You're lying," the blonde said simply, cuddling closer. It was all Santana could do to stop herself from having another meltdown. She didn't know when she had gotten this weak. She thought love was supposed to be good, but she'd never felt so horrible in her entire life.
"Just…" she didn't know what to say and gave in, leaning into the embrace. Brittany rocked her back and forth, like in the movies, and Santana sniffled, slowly calming down. She was hurt, and angry, but she still needed her friend. She needed somebody to be on her side. "You said no," she said weakly.
"You're still my best friend," Brittany stated, as if it Santana was the one who was confused. "I'll always be there when you cry."
Santana shook her head in disbelief. "I don't understand you."
Brittany merely smiled, nuzzling against Santana's cheek. They sat in silence for a long time, not moving when the bell rang, shrilly reminding them it was time for their next class. Slowly Brittany's face grew uncharacteristically serious, voice softening. "I can't break up with Artie," she began cautiously, apologetic as Santana stiffened in her arms. "I just can't. But I really do love you, Santana. I do." Santana sniffed but said nothing. "And you're so hot, and awesome, and I'm sure you'll find someone else, but I wasn't lying. If I ever break up with Artie, I promise I'll date you. But I just…can't right now."
Santana opened her mouth, as if to say something, but closed it again. Brittany continued. "Even if we're not together, I still want to be best friends. Is that okay?" she asked slowly.
Santana was quiet for a long time, and pulled away. This time Brittany let her go, but Santana didn't move away, sitting so their knees were pressed together. "I don' know," she said softly. "This is really hard for me, being with you when I can't actually be with you," she admitted.
"I need my best friend too," Brittany said. "And I don't want to make you sad. Will being around me make you sad?"
Santana rubbed her damp cheeks. Her eyes were bright but she wasn't crying anymore. "Yeah, but not being around you makes me sad too." She smiled weakly.
"And I can help fight those bullies with you. Glee club can follow you around like the secret service, like we were gonna do with Kurt." Santana wasn't sure how she felt about that but nodded anyway. Part of her wanted to storm out, to show Brittany how much it hurt, but she was scared that eventually the blonde would stop coming after her. She was so angry, so scared, and even though she'd always faced down the school without fear, she'd always had Brittany at her side. She wasn't sure how she'd manage without her…and maybe staying friends would be hard, but not being friends would be harder. Brittany smiled and stood. "Come on, we can go to the bathroom and you can wash your face and stuff, since everyone is in class." She extended her pinky.
Things were far from okay between them, and Santana was certainly not going to accept this without a fight. She was going to be with Brittany, she knew it, she just had to bide her time. Artie would mess up, or realize something was going on. The boy wasn't a total idiot. Feeling a glimmer of her self confidence returning, Santana stood, linking her pinky with Brittany's. They marched down the hallway, united, and though things weren't how Santana wanted, she was confident that one of these days, they would be.
In the end, she'd be with Brittany. She just knew it.
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I'd appreciate any reviews, especially because writing this pair is new for me, and I'd like to know how I did. It was strange too, because they were much more vulnerable in this episode than normal. Thank you for reading!