A.N. Tired of waiting? Wondering if I died? Well wonder no more because I'm here to tell you that I DID die, but I'm better now. :)
Greetings, human! It is I, the mighty Zim! Who is perfectly normal! Ah, am I not who you were expecting? You thought it would be Gir knocking on your door, didn't you? Heheheh... Well, I have a reason for coming.
Don't dawdle- there is no time for you to bask in my glory! We have much business to discuss!
Ah, I see you are wondering why I came... knocking on your door... while I should be in school... asking for help... What? No! Nononononono, I am not asking for help! I just came to ask for your... assistance. Yes, that's it. Assistance.
Well it's... it's about Gir. You know, Gir my dog? Well, he's... um... he's been acting strange lately, and having nightmares. Oh it's awful! He sleeps in my room like lots of dogs do, you know? And he squirms and writhes and clutches his face, and then he wakes up screaming and puts his paws over his mouth!
What? Oh. Eheheheh... Well he doesn't scream! He, uh, he howls. Yeah, that' it. He howls, because dogs don't scream. My dog is normal. Like me.
Anyway, so I decided to get him in to a therapist you know?... You mean dogs don't go to therapy? Well... mine does! Yes! He's, um, a special breed that... you know. Needs therapy.
So anyhow, Gir is afraid to go because he doesn't know the shrink or how the whole thing works, and he said he "wants his human friend to hold his hand." I'd do it myself, but they don't want his "guardian" in there while they're doing the session. Something about abuse? I dunno.
I can only assume you were who he meant because of all the times you came over and played with him... how did I know? BWAHAHAHA! You didn't really think my security system couldn't pick you up, did you? Ahahaha, silly human.
You'll do it? Excellent! Get in the voot- I mean car! Yes, this is a perfectly normal floating car. Nothing weird about that at all. Now in! In-in-in-in-in-in! No, no, no, that's the driver's seat! Get in on other other side! Yes, I know the driver's seat is supposed to be on he left in America. This is a... German perfectly normal floating car!
What do you mean the seat is weird? It's not weird! It's a perfectly good seat! Just spread your legs when you sit on it like your riding a pig. Or Earth-horse. Whatever you normally ride. And there's no seat belt, so don't bother looking for one.
Are you finally settled? Took you long enough. We're supposed to meet Gir outside the shrink's, and if we're a minute late, it'll give him a heart attack. Here we go.
… Stop that.
...STOP POKING ME! You are not worthy even to brush your bony digit against the almighty Zim!
...AAARRGGGG! If Gir didn't need you, I would destroy you right now! Just-... sigh. Sit down and be silent until we get there.
There, see? Here we are, and there's Gir waiting outside right where I left him. Yes, yes, wave to him as much as you want, but he's too occupied blowing bubbles to notice you.
"Gir!" I call, and he snaps to attention, stashing the bubble wand and bottle away in is head and running towards the voot. I told him when I left that I was going to get you, so he probably wants to greet you. He runs right up to you and raps his little arms around your legs.
"Hi!" He says predictably with the slight southern accent that he puts on when he's being particularly stupid. "The shrink's gonna mess with meh head!"
"Yes he is, Gir." I tell him, but he's too busy hugging your legs to pay attention to me. What's that? No, he probably won't let go anytime soon. Heh, heh, heh... "C'mon, it's time to go inside. You have your human friend now, so you have no excuse to put it off any longer!"
Gir tightens his grip (He might break your legs if you move, so don't try) and shakes his head "Nuh huh! I need meh piggie! What if Doctor man tries to eat us? We need da piggie to beat him up!"
"No!" I shout. "No piggie! We go in now!"
"B-but master!" blubbers the robot. I can see little tears forming in his eyes, something that had always confused me. "What if he does try to eat us? What then?"
I shake my head and shift my weight. How can Gir be so dumb? Rescuing is standard procedure! Ugh. Just another thing I'll have to spell out, I guess. "If something happens that you can't handle by yourself, you shout a codeword, and I'll come and beat the doctor up for you, okay?"
"Really?" Gir's face lights up, and there's no sign the tears were ever there. "You would be a hero and rescue us?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Release the human and get in the building before I drop kick you in there all by yourself."
So fast you could have missed it if you blinked, Gir leaps away from you and to my side, reaching his hand out as if he expects me to hold it. Instead I stuff my hands in my pockets, and start walking. Gir is quick to follow.
The moment I place my foot onto the road, Gir pulls me by my shirt back into the parking lot. "You gotta look both ways first!" He says. "Or you'll get squished!"
Right. I forgot about that. Good Gir. I look both ways before I continue.
"Okay, Gir." I say to him in my kindest voice. "Do you remember what to do?"
"I go in."
"I lie on da couch."
"An' then I tell the doctor everythin' that bugs me."
"But nothing about the mission, Gir." I tell him firmly. I'm well aware that this whole plan could backfire because Gir could let something slip, but I'm also aware that the shrink will be the only one to hear. And I'm confident in my ability to track him down and wipe his brain. I still want this to work, though.
"Okay." He says.
When we get in the building, the first thing I do is hold out my hand to Gir. He knows what I want. He takes his leash out of his head and attaches it to his costume before he hands the other end to me just like I trained him to do. And we walk into the building.
Apparently this type of place is supposed to be comfy. There's a couch and two super fluffy chairs, all set around a tiny little coffee table. And I can see Three little potted plants standing in the corners looking all bright and happy. They emit earthy smells that make my skin crawl.
And across the room at the desk is a freakishly happy lady. I really can't tell how her face can make a smile that big, but I guess it's better not to dwell on it. I walk up to the desk and hold Gir's leash very close to me so that he doesn't touch anything. For all we know, this stuff could be covered in horrible poisons.
"Why hello there!" Chirps the annoying human woman. "Do you have an appointment?"
The answer is yes, but I really don't like to answer stupid questions. After all, who could forget a call from THE ALMIGHTY ZIM! Instead I tilt me head downwards and give her a look that makes her very nervous. That's good because she should be nervous; she's annoying the future ruler of the human race.
Suddenly the cheery human bursts into tears and runs away, crying like Gir on a rainy day. I feel Gir hide behind me as if frightened by the noise. And although, I approve of her reaction of my terror-inducing might, I don't know what to do next.
Thankfully a human man sticks his head out from the hallway and sees us. Then he steps out of the hallway towards us.
"Ah, you must be Mr. Vasquez." He says, addressing me by the fake name I had given him over the phone. "And this must be Gir. How are you doing today, Gir?"
I twist my neck and look down at Gir, who is still hiding behind me. But when he hears his name he steps up to observe the human.
"Who are you?" He says.
"My name is Nameless Doctor. You can call me Nate. Are you ready for your first session?"
Gir looks up at me with obvious fear in his eyes, as if asking for command or confirmation, anything to tell him what to do next. I provide one with a nod, and give Gir a little more leash to run up to the human, but he doesn't. He just stands there looking at me. He must be scared about being left all alone.
I kneel to his level. "Your human friend is gonna be with you, okay? And I'm right here. Just shout the codeword if the doctor turns on you, and I'll come get you."
Gir takes a few steps toward me and hugs my arm. "What's the codeword?" He asks in a quiet voice. "Can it be piggie? I like piggie."
"Yeah, okay, fine. Piggie. If the doctor gets scary and tries to hurt you, shout piggie. Can you remember that, Gir?"
Gir nods, and I take the leash off his costume and put it in my pak. "Be good." I tell him. He nods at me again and reaches slowly for your hand.
I watch as you and Gir follow the human into his little room of terrors.
I'm glad master went to get you, cause I'm really scared. He said the shrink was gonna fix my head. But what if he does it all wrong? No one's ever out their hands in my head 'cept for master and the tallest. I may never be the same, and then no one would love me anymore!
Master said I was s'posed to lie on the couch. Well there's the couch, so I'm gonna go lie on it. I'm not tall enough to take up the whole thing, so you can sit next to me.
The doctor man closes the door and sits down in a plastic chair. He picks up a clipboard from the floor and puts it one his lap. Then he smiles at me. "Alright Gir. Mr. Vasquez told me you've been having nightmares. Is that true?"
I don't know who Mr. Vasquez is, but he must be smart cause I really have been having bad dreams. "Yeah." I say. "They really scary."
Nate nods his head. "Would you like to tell me what they're about?"
Would I? "No." I say. "They my own personal head scaries."
Nate makes a sound with his breath that master makes a lot when he's talking to me. It makes me smile cause I think it's funny. "Please, Gir?" He says. "I can't make the nightmares go away unless you tell me what they are. So could you at least tell me why they're so scary to you?"
Well if he's gonna make the scaries go away, I guess I can tell him. "In my dreams, my lips go away."
"Your... lips go away." He says right back to me. I think it's funny cause that's what I just said. But now that I'm thinking about my bad dreams, I'm not happy enough to smile. I make a breathing sound too.
If my lips ever left my mouth,
packed a bag and headed south,
That'd be too bad.
I'd be so sad.
"I see" says Nate. "That'd be too bad, you'd be so sad?"
That'd be too bad.
If my lips said "Adios!
I don't like you; I think you're gross."
That'd be too bad.
I might get mad.
"That'd be too bad, you might get mad?"
That'd be too bad.
If my lips said "too-da-loo,"
Left a mess and took my tooth
That'd be to bad.
I'd call my dad.
"Hold it!" Nate says loudly, and it makes me jump. "Did you say your father?"
I nod. My daddies are the tallest, cause they built me.
"Fascinating! So what you're saying is if your lips left you...?"
That'd be too bad,
I'd be so sad,
I might get mad,
I'd call my dad,
That'd be too bad.
"That'd be too bad?"
That'd be too bad.
Nate looks at his clipboard, at all the words he wrote while I was singing. He turns it this way and that way, and then he puts in back down on his lap and looks at me. "Why?" He asks.
"Because I love my lips!" I tell him. Nate turns his head to the side and looks at me funny.
"Oh dear." He says. "This is more serious than I thought. Gir, what so you see here?" When he asks me that he lifts up a picture of a black blotch. Where did he get that? I didn't see it before.
"Um... that looks like a lip." I tell him. He puts the picture down and picks up another one.
"It's a lip."
It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip, lip, lip!
It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip, lip, lip.
It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip, lip, lip.
LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPS, lip, lip, lip!
Finally Nate runs out of pictures, and he puts them down on the floor. Ha hee hee hee! His face looks even funnier than before!
"Gir, tell me about your childhood." he says.
I settle back on the couch. I don't think I'm scared anymore. This is fun!
When I was just two years old
I left my lips out in the cold.
And they turned blue.
What could I do?
"Your lips turned blue, what could you do?"
Oh they turned blue.
On the day I got my tooth.
I had to kiss my great Aunt Ruth
She had a beard. And it felt weird.
"She had a beard and it felt weird?"
She had a beard.
"Oh. Oh my."
Ten days after I turned eight
I got my lips stuck in a gate.
My friends all laughed.
And I just stood-there-until-the-fire-department-came-and-broke-the-lock-with-a-crowbar-and-I-had-to-spend-the-next-six-weeks-in-lip-rehab-with-this-kid-named-Oscar-who-got-stung-by-a-bee-right-on-the-lip-and-we-couldn't-even-talk-to-each-other-until-the-fifth-week-because-our-lips-were-so-swollen-and-when-he-did-start-talking-he-just-spoke-Polish-and-I-only-knew-like-three-words-in-Polish-except-now-I-know-four-because-Oscar-taught-me-the-word-for-lip: Usta!
Nate's pencil is moving so fast across his clipboard that smoke is coming up and making everything smell funny. OOOH HA HA HA! Look at his face! L-look at his face! H-he's HEE HEE HEE! When he finally looks up, his eye is twitching.
"Your friends all laughed... usta." He says. " How do you spell that?"
"I dunno." I tell him.
Nate shakes his head and looks at his clipboard for a long time before he looks back at me. "So what you're saying is that when you were young...?
They turned blue, what could I do?
She had a beard, and it felt weird.
My friends all laughed...Usta!
"...I'm confused." says Nate.
"I LOVE MY LIPS!" I scream. Now I am jumping up onto his lap and grabbing at his collar so I can shake him. "I LOVE MY LIPS, I LOVE MY LIPS, I LOVE MY LIPS!" I shake him and shake him and then I do a back flip onto the couch.
I don't wanna lie on da couch anymore! Now I wanna play! Jump with me! C'mon! The couch is bouncy! Yay! Hee hee hee!
"H-hey!" Says Nate, standing from his chair really, really fast. "Stop! Don't do that!"
"I can't hear you!" I squeal and put my paws over my flappy doggie ears. "Looby dooby shaboobie nooggie doogie ai ai ai la la la laddie da kasloogie galiscarlacablikah!" Even though I can't hear him, I can see Nate yell at us and wave his hands around like crazy spider. We do a good job of ignoring him though.
"WEE HEE HEE!" I laugh. "IGGIE BALIGGIE KASLIGGIE PIGGIE!"
Even though I'm covering my ears, I can still hear the door break into a million pieces, and master comes in on his big, sharp Pak legs. His wig has fallen to the floor so I can see his feeler thingies, and he is wrinkling his face like a mean kitty, showing all his scary teeth.
Nate screams. And I laugh. And I hide behind the couch.
Master jumps at Nate and they crash to the floor. I can hear Nate screaming and master yelling at him. Yay, go master! Go Go Go! Bring on the pain! You is number one!
Suddenly master's claw grabs me by the scruff of my neck and he lifts me up from behind the couch. Then he sets me on his shoulders, and I hold his feelers so I don't fall off. "We're going home now, Gir." He says.
"Wait!" I shout. My smile is so big my face hurts, but I don't want to stop. "What about the humans?"
"They can walk home!" master says, and he points four of his Pak legs at he ceiling to blast a hole through the roof. The noise makes me excited and I bounce up on top of his head.
While master's Pak legs are climbing us up and through the hole, I turn back down so I can wave good bye. Sorry we're leaving without you!
When master is done climbing out of the roof, he slides to the streets on his Pak legs. I see people watching us with big open mouths and I wave hello at them. Then I look at master.
"I'm sorry, master." I tell him.
"The doctor man didn't try to hurt me. I just said piggie because I wanted to."
Master's yelling while he goes. "Why would you do that Gir? You made me risk my cover! I had to wipe the human's mind!"
Most of the time when master yells I get scared, but now I feel like I am on happy gas, and I can't stop bein' happy. "Sorry." I giggle, and a hug his feeler thingies. They are soft like kitty tails.
Master snorts and keeps moving. Heh, heh, that's funny cause he don't have a nose to snort with. "Fine, Fine. Whatever." He says. " Did it work though?"
"The therapy thing. Are those nightmares gone?"
"I dunno." I tell master. " I think so."
Master does a huffy breath thing and sucks his extra legs back into his Pak so that he's short again. Then he takes me off his head and puts my leash on me. People on the street are still watching us with big mouths. Why are their mouths so big? Are they trying to catch flies? I can catch flies too! Aaaaahhhhhhhgggg... Ew, I got some drool on my zipper...
"C'mon," says master, and I make my mouth be closed. "I dropped my wig back at the shrink's place, so we'd better get to the voot BEFORE WE'RE NOTICED!"
I smile and nod and we run really, really fast. The people watch us go.
A.N Next chapter we'll be going to the zoo with Zim, Gir and Scoodge. Anyone who's willing to bet a review that Scoodge will be eaten by a hungry animal review and say "I"