...And if I never knew you

I'd have lived my whole life through

Empty as the sky

Never knowing why.

Lost forever.

If I never knew you.

- If I Never Knew You

~ ⁂ ~

The ride back from the Capital felt twice as long as the ride there. I spent most of the time in my room, huddled in the back corner of my bathroom, haunted by the faces of the dead. Those that had been killed in cold blood either by myself or the others wouldn't leave my side. I kept replaying their deaths in my head, feeling the guilt of remaining. Seeing the wounds left behind as the weapons were removed and watching the blood drain out as pain contorted the victims' face. No one had survived. Yet I still lived.

They left me alone for the most part. The first morning Effie had knocked on my door and tried to get me to come to breakfast with her. Her voice was less cheery than usual, the only indication that the games had affected her at all. Instead of responding I resumed rocking back and forth, back and forth. After a minute or so I heard her heels clicking as she walked from my door to the dining car.

I'm not sure how much longer it was until the silence was broken by Haymitch. His drunken slurs echoed down the hall. "Where is that girl? Where is that little victor? I need to see her! I could teach her a thing or two about surviving, I could." He was cut off by Effie and the silence continued, punctuated every so often by Haymitch bursting with a sudden need to see me, a "Hush" from Effie and her obvious attempts to keep him from coming to find me.

I tried to sleep but was awakened every time by the creak of the train. My body was still on an adrenaline high from the game and every noise put me on edge. When someone, anyone, would walk by my door I would lunge out of bed and try to find my weapons. Someone must have had the presence of mind to remove anything with the ability to cause harm for every search came up empty.

For the remainder of the two day ride back to District 12 the Avoxes would tiptoe past my door and the ones chosen to give me my meals would flee right away. I was embarrassed, the only other emotion I was capable of feeling besides fear. Did they all think that I was a monster? Did I look like a monster? I wanted to get up and look, to be able to see what others saw, but when I approached the mirror my mind started to play tricks on me and I again heard the sounds of the arena. I quickly returned to my corner of the bed and hugged a pillow to my chest, hoping that would block some of the memories.

The pillow gave me a sense of security until I fell asleep. Then, no matter what I was holding, the memories attacked the barricade of my mind. I saw Cato being attacked by the mutts in the Cornucopia. I saw Rue stuck through the stomach with a spear. I saw Thresh smash Clove on the head repeatedly with a rock. Over and over. the memories kept repeating in my head, changing ever so slightly until I was the one attacking Cato, spearing Rue and hitting Clove with the rock.

My scream must have been heard throughout the train because it had woken me up. However no one came. My clothes were stuck to my body with sweat and the pillow I had been clutching earlier was sitting across the room, a bold testament to my thrashing. I sat in bed for a few more minutes, trying to control my erratic breathing, before climbing out of bed and peeling my damp clothes off of me.

As I walked towards the dresser to put on clothing that Effie would approve of I passed by the mirror and caught a glimpse of myself. I stopped walking and slowly turned so that I could fully see myself. What weight I had lost during the games still hadn't returned and I could count every bone in my body. I was skinny before I went into the games but I don't remember ever seeing my skin loosely hanging on my bones. My face was even worse than the weight loss. My gray eyes were sunk deep in my face and my skin had a pallid look to it. My cheek bones had become the dominant feature of my face causing it to have a more haunted look than I had expected.

I pulled my arms tight around me and turned away from the mirror. Instead of finishing my journey to the closet I grabbed some clothes off of the ground. They weren't used and so they must have been victim to one of my crazy outbursts sometime in the past few days. I pulled them on and was happy when they weren't too wrinkled. Not much could be done with my hair so I just pulled it back into a braid and hoped that would be enough to hide it's greasiness.

I had just finished getting dressed when there was a knock on my door followed by Effie's voice, which was back to normal, saying, "Katniss. Wake up! We have a big, big day today. We're only a few minutes from District 12."

Although I still remained silent she left me alone and I assumed that I had made more than enough noise shuffling around to get dressed.

I felt the train jerk to a stop and stumbled into a chair, stubbing my toe. The pain managed to bring me out of my haze a little bit and I remembered that everyone would expect me to be happy. I was happy to be seeing Prim and Gale again but at what cost?

The steps that hurried past and the short raps upon my door alerted me that the train doors were opening. It was time to go home.

~ ⁂ ~

I heard the people of District 12 long before I saw them. I was the first victor since Haymitch and people were sure to celebrate my return more than if I were from a different District. What the crowd was yelling remained a mystery to me. Their voices blurred together as each person tried to be heard above another.

Haymitch came up and stood beside me. "You ready to see your family again sweetheart?"

I didn't say anything in reply, just nodded my head quickly, in hopes that he would go away. He seemed to understand that I was off kilter but rather than leave me alone he stood next to me, every so often muttering something under his breath.

I inched away, hoping he wouldn't notice. I managed to get about a foot when Effie walked up and brought him out of his self-induced stupor. "Katniss! There you are! You know, everyone has been looking for you, even old Haymitch here."

She was interrupted by Haymitch's cry of shock, "I'm not old!"

Effie barely got out an answer before returning her attention to me, "Yes, yes. Whatever you say dear. Now Katniss, all the cameramen are set up and ready for your reunion with your family. Are you ready? Well, no matter. You must come with me now!" Without giving me a chance to answer Effie grabbed my arm and dragged me off the train shouting for Haymitch to follow her over my shoulder.

~ ⁂ ~

The cameramen were waiting at the train station, near the back entrance to the Justice Building. The crowds were just on the other side in the town square, my family sitting on the stage. Before they let me through the door a woman grabbed me and touched up my face from a kit she was holding in her hand. When I tried to flinch away she just smiled and told me that "It's important for your fans in the Capital to see you keeping up your appearance." I didn't like it but, as in the rest of my life, I had no control over it.

Finally the woman backed off and Effie motioned for me to come over with her next to the door. I didn't really understand the need for the cameras and all the fussing, but I understood that it's what is done. After the men messed with their cameras to make the image perfect, everyone was ready for me to arrive at home.

Right as the mayor was finishing his speech on how proud our District was to finally be bringing home a victor I froze. Sure, I was excited to be able to finally see Prim, even my mother, but would they be able to look at me the same after seeing everything I had done? And even if they did would they be able to understand my new fears or the nightmares that now plague me? And Gale. What must he think of me now? Is he disgusted by the things I did? The promises I had to break?

I didn't have long to ponder my questions though because the mayor finished his speech and then Effie pushed me onto the stage. I didn't even have time to register all the people watching before a blond haired girl came barreling into my arms. Prim. All my worries evaporated with that one hug. More arms enveloped me. The arms of my mother and Gale. How did he manage to get up here?

The rest of the welcome home ceremony and subsequent party went by in a blur, not remaining long in my memory. All I remember is the fact that neither Gale nor Prim left my side all night.

A/N: So what do you guys think? I'm not going to beg for reviews, I'll update when the muse strikes me! :D