Just something I've had rolling round my head for a few weeks now, finally got it down on paper. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts BBC just refuse to turn over the rights so unfortunately I own nothing
I sit here watching my friends, all our hearts torn from our adventures in the holy land. We lost three friends on our trip, one taken by death and two separated from us by love. Deep down I know Will and Djaq made the right decision, staying in the holy land was the best decision, but it doesn't mean I won't miss them. As for Marian...no...I can't...thinking about her is just too much right now. I can't even begin to think what Robin is going through...Robin...
My gaze shifts to where my master is stood, overlooking the waters. He's twirling her ring in his fingers, tears drifting down his cheeks. I want to talk to him, tell him it'll be okay but I can't, because in all honesty I don't know if it will be, I don't know if things will ever be the same again. Talking to Robin will do no good, I've already tried, he just wants to be left alone with his memories.
John has already retired, part of me hopes that he'll come out and take charge but I know he won't. Marian was almost like a daughter to him, this is just as hard as it is on Robin. Someone needs to take charge, Robin can't, John won't...that only leaves me and Alan.
I spin around and let my eyes settle on him. He's standing at the opposite end of the ship to Robin, like Robin his eyes are trained on the water below. For the first time I find myself wondering what's going on in his mind. Right now I have two choices, I can stand here and worry over my master or I can go and ask the questions that have been burning through my mind for months now. Quickly making my decision I move.
"Alan...why?" My voice hovers barley above a whisper right now; I let my gaze settle on the water as we stand side by side. "Why'd you do it?"
"Honestly?" I nod my head, I need answers. "Seemed like a good idea at the time." My face clearly conveys my confusion because he quickly explains. "Gisbourne caught me...kept me locked up in the dungeon for hours, doing...well, you can imagine what he put me through."
I see a flash of fear cross his eyes, obviously he was tortured. I can only imagine what they did to him down there; surprisingly I find a surge of anger coursing through my veins. I find myself furious at the men that did this to my friend. My thoughts of revenge are interrupted as he continues.
"Anyway after a few hours he mentioned this deal, I spy for him...you know...well first few times I told him where to stick it but then I had an idea. I realised that you lot weren't coming for whatever reason so it was up to me to get myself out of there. That's when I thought, if I took the deal he'd let me go I didn't actually have to go through with it. So I figured I'd take the deal, get back to camp and tell Robin what happened as soon as I could."
"So why didn't you?" He takes a deep breath before continuing.
"When I got back to camp you lot didn't even notice I'd been gone. I'd been missing all day and no one even asked me where I'd been...it sounds stupid but it got me thinking, about some of the stuff Gisbourne said and...well you know the rest." He sighs heavily; I can tell this last few months has been tough on him. It's strange, I never really thought about what he must have been going through, what must have forced him into betraying his friends. "Look I ain't going sit here and claim to be the innocent victim in all of this, I took the deal, I betrayed everyone...me...no one else."
I nod and try to take in what he just told me. He's right, he did betray everyone no one forced him into it but...I can't help wondering what might have been different if I'd have gone after him. After we had the fight that day, I could have gone after him...I should have gone after him but I didn't, neither did Robin. Alan was right; we were so caught up with everything that went on that day we didn't think it was strange that he didn't come back. Maybe if we had...
"Don't go there." A new voice enters the conversation. John. "What if's will drive you crazy."
John comes to stand on the other side of Alan, no words are exchanged between the two but I can tell John has forgiven him. We've been through so much on this journey that it's not surprising. Johns not the type to forgive and forget but he knows being angry won't solve anything. After hearing the truth from Alan I find my own anger dissipating, what's the point in being angry, it's not going change anything, it'll just make things even harder.
"John I ain't being funny but if we aren't all crazy by the end of this bloody trip it'll be a miracle." A small chuckle escapes my lips as I'm reminded why we need Alan. Robins the leader, he's the man in charge, the one who reminds us why we're doing this. Johns the strong man, the one you turn to when things get tough, when something's up he's the one you need. I'm the dependable one, the one who's always going to have your back. Alan, he's the one who makes us laugh, he's the one who lightens the mood when we're down. We're all needed; we have no choice but to stick together because we need each other, now more than ever.
For the first time since Marian's death I sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that my friends are here and that in time we will be okay.