The Un-Divine Comedy
Chapter 1: Destino
Or: A Meeting With Fate
AN: So, before we get started, I just want to say that if you are not of legal age consent you shouldn't be here, because not only is there swearing, but also some violence and some references to the dirty deed, not too directly. I hope you find within these words a laugh, because it was great fun writing this.
This is dedicated to all of my friends, and if this has any basis or bearing on real life people or places, it is a complete mistake. Honest :P
So, Without further ado, here is the story!
"Friends are like Bras: close to your heart and there for support" – Anon
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions" – Woody Allen
In a residence building on the fourth floor in a room, perhaps not so different from your own, Kim, mild-mannered university student, found herself caught in a bit of a quandary. After having completed a relentless gauntlet of essays and exams beset upon her by the demonic hoards of professors at YQ, she, understandably, wanted a bit of a break. A night out: alone, mysterious, independent, and of course, sexy. Of course, under normal circumstances, there would be nothing stopping her. This time, however, due to a soulless B+ giving TA who had neither respect for writing nor editing talent, she was forced to submit an essay.
Of course, it was one she had not started, due the day after next. That day being Friday.
So it was a Wednesday night, with an essay looming forbiddingly on the horizon, but Kim was already dressed and ready to go out. Priorities for a university student = Fun first and essays… sometime later. However, Kim did not dare go out on the town without the sassy, truthful advice from her faithful friend Debbie. It also helped that Debbie was lieutenant major of the campus fashion police, a highly elite and specialized group chosen and judged academically, socially and fashionably. The fact that Debbie also owed her a favour and some money also helped matters.
"What are you thinking, Kimberly?" Debbie said exasperatedly. "You have an essay due in two days and here you are, going out. Also, you didn't even invite me! Shame on you!"
"Don't you have an essay due tomorrow?"
"Hey I'm doing it tonight! … Oh"
"Exactly. Now, you aren't here to give me ethical advice. No one can, because I am independent and saucy" At this, Kim gave a little bit of a head shake, waving her hair back and forth. "You are here, however, to make me look debonair enough to help me find a man for either a good time tonight," WINK. "Or a possible long-term relationship with a potential Salvadorean suitor. Whichever happens to be there at the time.
"Well," Debbie looked her up and down, "I don't think you need too much help."
And she was right.
If Kim's look were to be described in merely a couple of words she could be described as either 'dressed to kill' or 'dressed to give a lot of men some uncomfortable erections.' Nevertheless, just because it's fun, let's describe her in detail from top to bottom.
Kim, with luxurious curly tresses half swept up in an elegant bun and half teasingly down to her luscious and flawless bosoms in a rich and shimmering chocolate brown. Her eyes, carefully accentuated with just the right amounts of smoky eyeshadow and eyeliner, framed by naturally long and sexy eyelashes.
Hull lips dressed in ruby red and in the shape of a characteristic pout, ready to either kiss someone senseless or tell them what is what. She wore a skin-tight, sequined black top that would capture the moonlight, throwing it back into the night in a kaleidoscope of colour and light. It was accompanied by a tight black leather skirt which alternately showed off and covered her spectacular ass.
Mmmm. That ass. Round, and firm enough to bounce bricks, but of course that is not what it is usually used for.
Anyway, before getting distracted, let's continue on. She wore rose-patterned stockings, covering her knees, no fishnets, because Kim is classy. To finish this elaborate outfit were a pair of black leather high-heeled boots, reaching her knees and draped in metal chains. On top of it all, Kim wore a long, black trench coat to ward off the night chill, but mainly because Kim is badass like that. And, because she is Kim, she smelled like amazing, if amazing could be bottled and sold.
"Well, I guess you are ready to go," Debbie said finally. "I have an essay to write," At this, Debbie shed a few tears because she too was enslaved under the malevolent powers of her TA. "Ah, but don't forget we should go visit Diana Chong, the fortune teller, she may have some advice on your night out."
"Do we have to?"
"Yes, but also because she made some fried rice and some of it's for me."
So, it was for those reasons that our two residents walked down the hall and knocked on room 416. The door, which had a red dragon painted on it, heard an ominous voice beckon "come in," and slowly opened with a creak to reveal…
Or at least a cheap university student's version of it. Hanging everywhere were cheap Chinese depictions of dragons, serpents and Buddha. Golden and red streamers, most likely from the local dollar store, lined the ceiling, and the fragrant smell of chicken fried rice permeated the kitchen and dining area.
The mysterious voice continued from inside the bedroom door, "What have you come for, strangers?"
"Okay, Debbie the wok is on the oven help yourself. Kim, come in," And the door opened on its own again.
Inside, behind a red velvet covered table, sat Diana, long time friend, Chinese food supplier, advisor, and sometimes pain in the ass. She was dressed in red, wearing huge glasses, and on her lap sat a Siamese cat.
"Kim-berly… I have been expecting you. It is good you can=me for me. Much will change for you tonight" Kim sat at the table and the cat, originally not allowed to be in residence, leapt off her lap, not without giving her a glare. Diana, bedecked in jade bangles and gold jewellery, took her hands and proceeded to speak."Confucius say 'By four ways may we learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; third, by experience, which is the most bitter; and finally, by the bedroom which is darkest.' Learn from my mistakes Kim, and choose wisely with eyes unhindered by alcohol or desperation." "You know I don't have any control issues, that's just you Diana." "Oh, right." Well anyway, Kim, I have read both the stars and your palm, while you were sleeping, and they align on this night to bring about your fate. You must go, and come back, a changed woman. You will be faced with great evil in your search for true joy, but in the end you will attain what you seek. However, in the climax of your happiness, you must not forget your responsibilities." "In English, please, should I go out tonight or not?" "Yes, and basically the stars say you will be getting some ass wherever you go. That ass… belonging to someone who is not so different from yourself, if you know what I mean." Kim did know, and then asked "so, where are we going for this?" "Queens and Scenes." "The drag bar?" "The very same. Trust me on this, Kim, although my advice has been known to sometimes lead others astray, but I would not be trolling you on this one. Mainly because you are able to beat me up, and you know where I live. But, all questions about my honesty aside, as to the method of your payment, I shall be taking the usual." "Sexual favours?" "Yep. Also, one tray of brownies. Before you object, if I am right you must keep in mind that it will be worth it." "Damn, girl, you drive a hard bargain, but alright. If I must, your sexual favours and tray of brownies will be forthcoming." "Please, not both at once, though." And so it was that Kim took her leave and left the devious inner sanctum that was the depravity of Diana's room, thus leaving before hearing her final, important words. "While you're there, try and see if you can grab me a ginger! Also Kim, don't forget your ESSAY!" Kim returned to the kitchen, and there sat Debbie, with her wide lens black Prada glasses and decorative scarf. "That took a while." "Yeah, a lot of weird shit happened, but let's go. How was the rice?" Debbie nodded and they left. In the safety of the hallway, Debbie finally released her urgent question, "If she's so weird, how come we are still friends with her?" Kim shrugged, "Well, she has good advice sometimes, and she makes good Chinese food. She's not crazy, she's just a bit obsessed about the whole Asian thing and she needs to get laid. Badly. And preferably by a ginger. I understand, but at the same time I pity her, and hope that I do not become like that one day. Anyway, now I know where my destination for the night will be, but our journey continues. Where to next?" "Kyra's" Ah yes, Kyra's. Room 432, or, as it is known to residents and as the sign above the door proclaims it to be : Kyra's bootylicious ORGASM of CAKE! Her own residence cake shop, where godly and heavenly sweet wonders await all weary travellers with enough in their pockets. However, because Kyra is an angel with the pure heart of 1000 first loves and the passion of 1000 burning suns she has a sunny disposition and usually allows people to sample her concoctions for free. Which is also why, apart from the kitchen she sadly could not afford regular residence fees and thus sleeps in a broom closet. Like Harry Potter, but a bit more tragic, and if Harry Potter's magic was in the form of crafting cakes with dedicated, smooth as butter cream hands like Kyra's. Of course, Kyra's bakery was amazing and sunny and smelled like awesome, if awesome was some perfume fragrance. But the name credits went completely to Diana, who, if you haven't already guessed, usually has one thing on her mind. That ass. And yes, Kyra has a wonderful ass like Kim's almost as if it were sculpted by deities and devils alike to awe and to tempt, just like Kyra's cakes. Therefore, Diana just named the bakery without further ado and against the wishes of the baker herself. But that story alas, is for another day. As Kim and Debbie reached the door, it opened welcomingly and a wonderful summer breeze smelling of cinnamon and cream cheese icing wafted out into the hallway. And a light, inexplicable though it was, illuminated our two weary residence travellers and struck them both with the melancholic yet happy reminiscence of times past and younger days spent in joy and frivolity before the existence of essays and exams. And there she was: Kyra, in all of her illuminating, awesome-smelling and majestic glory, standing near the oven, baking a cake. "Kyra, is it done?" "Almost," And Kyra turned to face her friends with a smile that held the magnificence of 10,000 sunrises saying, "it is going to be a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing."
Even the thought of it had them drooling.
"Ah, but it won't be done for another two hours, and it isn't for you, I'm sorry. Someone ordered it. And it is someone who is actually paying me."
"Okay then, we just wanted to stop by and say hi. Kim is going out, and I will be doing my essay."
"Okay. Bye then."
Everyone stood around waiting awkwardly.
"I mean it guys, I am sorry, but there is no cake for you yet. But come back tomorrow, I should have some then!"
"YAY! Kyra, we love you, with the bestiality of 10,000 Taylor Lautner fans, we'll be leaving now."
And as both of our cake-less crusaders left Kyra's humble abode, Kyra was just left wondering what that was all about at all. Then she just went back to making her magical, wonderful, amazing, finger-licking embodiments of joy. Basically, she just continued baking and thought to herself that she needed to go somewhere they could not find her again in the next year at YQ.
By this time and at the end of this long journey, they had already ended up at Debbie's room, so at this point they decided to part ways.
"Goodbye Kim, and good luck. But before you go, visit Candace, she will help you on your way. I still have to write my essay. Tell he how things went when you come back." Debbie winked and proceeded to enter her own room with tears in her eyes, for she was facing the unavoidable: her essay.
Kim continued on, and reached the room of Candace, which she entered with ease. And there on the other side, she encountered a Goddess.
Well, a tall, curly haired Goddess with caramel skin and a dislike for short people. Her theme song was "short people" by Randy Newman which goes a little like 'Short People got no reason to live' Luckily, Kim was of an average height and therefore was accepted into the room.
"Candace, I am going on an adventure tonight, and I need to go to my destination by TTC. Please, help me TTC Goddess."
Candace smiled and said, "Of course, with all of the powers invested in me by my mighty TTC pass, I give you the right to travel unburdened by tokens or expensive fare. But remember you owe me.
"You are generous, am I guessing brownies in your future?"
"Yes." Candace the TTC Goddess handed her the pass and said, "Now go, but make sure not to lose it or else you are buying me another one! Use protection, don't drink strange drinks and if you see Daniel Henney, bring him over!"
And so Kim set off, finally at 7:00 pm on a Wednesday night, she left the place she had called home for the academic year and boarded a bus, never looking back.
After numerous bus transfers, subway stops, crowds of people and not a hot guy in sight, Kim eventually landed at the doorstep of Queens and Scenes. A more risqué high-class drag bar could not be found anywhere else in the city, and this was where Kim would begin her hunt, for that ass, prophesized by the words of Diana and encouraged by Candace, Debbie and Kyra, sort of. Night had fallen on the city, for by that time it was 9:00 at night, the stars were out and the moon was covered in cloud shadow.
In the distance cars could be heard, yet the noise of the city seemed distant and far-removed from the neon lights of the establishment. A classy brick building, painted in black, with only the fluorescent lights of its sign to give it any light. And, as Kim touched the door, about to step into who knows what kind of future or scenario, Kim took a deep breath. She was prepared. She was ready. She had condoms in her pocket. And, if Kim was perhaps a little bit reluctant, then the winds of fate slapped her on the ass and she entered, not knowing all the numberless wonders she would find.
To Be Continued In the Next Chapter
AN: Please read and review! Stay tuned for the next chapter:
Sesso Or: The Sexy Horror Opera Show