The Un-Divine Comedy
Chapter 3: Inferno
Or: THE Night… And the Day After
AN: This is the REAL last chapter. I can tell you, this is the end of a LONG SAGA… of Procrastination and Frustration, haha. As always, this is dedicated to my friends, you know who you are, who have pulled (and sometimes dragged kicking and screaming) me through. Remember, that I LOVE all of you 3
P.S. If you don't get this reference to a famous anime, there might be no hope for you :P
"Sex is better than talk…Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."
– Woody Allen
I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
Kim and Alex arrived in their usual fabulous style, rolling onto the scene in Alex's sleek black Lamborghini Murcielago. It was almost time for the show, and they both looked like any normal couple out at around 5 am: Sexy as hell and knowing it.
Shedding his earlier arousing attire, Alex still looked great in jeans and a t-shirt, but his simple dress code was more than overcompensated by the gorgeous Kim and DAT ASS. Despite being a Queen Alex, or Lady Lilith Wormwood usually walked around as a normal, unassuming kind of guy. This, as RuPaul Seafood had taught him, was what made the eventual transformation that much more surprising and, of course, dramatic.
Sitting front row center, of course, Kim and Alex stopped their engaging conversation about how best to behead a zombie, and paid attention to the show. Alex, however, was distracted by his thoughts about how wonderful his date was and how lucky he was to grab a girl at, of all places, a drag bar. Someone who not only looked like dynamite, but who possessed an equally fiery amount of sass. And DAT ASS, which consumed his thoughts and also contributed to how much Alex was being distracted from the show.
Kim did not notice anything amiss, and also did not notice how fixated Alex's stare was upon her person. She honestly was excited to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show… AGAIN, but she found that the Rocky in this one was disappointing. But sometimes, despite her intense concentration on the show, she too thought how lucky she was to have found Alex… Finally, a guy with whom she could actually sympathize the unending and bloody torture of wearing a pair of stilettos for a couple of hours. Even more rare, a guy who could fully appreciate a woman, in AND out of her stilettos.
The show was interrupted right at the beginning of the scene where Janet shags Rocky when, with a BANG! The doors to the theatre were burst open and smoke billowed out into the once peaceful audience. In the midst of the commotion, stood two of the weirdest, inexplicable and perhaps pointless villains to ever NOT grace a comic series.
One five foot figure emerged into the dimmed lighting, dressed in a denim mini skirt paired with flipflops and a Selena Gomez fan shirt that had a large face shot of the star with the words "Selena 4EVER!" Emblazoned on the front in sparkly purple lettering. The girl also had dyed platinum blonde hair fashioned in two pigtails, and a face that just screamed "Teenage Attitude" To complete this ensemble straight out of a parent's nightmare, she was also sporting a black and purple velvet plaid cape and always had gum smacking away in her mouth in an obnoxious manner. Yes, this person could only be the infamous Gossip Girl, whose annoyingly evil power was not only to make you question your relationship with your BFF, but also possess a screech that could shatter ear drums when she did not get her way.
Beside her, her partner in crime was the equally unwelcome Creepy Corporal. Need I say more? The perpetual nightmare of girls everywhere who just want to find an attractive ginger male who is preferably emotionally stable and intelligent (is that so much to ask) but instead get smacked in the ass by reality who instead throws this creepy potential date in their way. Yes, the creepy corporal was infamous for his abilities to KEEP ON CALLLING repeatedly, tell everyone way too much information about his past relationships, and completely either ignore or be blissfully unaware of social decorum that states that you do NOT knock on people's doors at wee hours of the morning. His signature move was to be able to lock eyes with anyone, and make them freeze with the terrible sensation of creepiness travelling up and down their spine like spiders crawling. He was dressed simply in ripped jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket, with long, and greasy hair falling around his shoulders and into his eyes.
These two had been terrorizing the fun events of the GTA for over two months, with not a police force in existence that could capture the wily pair.
Frozen in terror, the audience tried to escape the theatre to be stopped and silenced by the pair when the Gossip Girl opened her mouth and let out an ear-piercing screech that would rival the vocality of 1,000 Justin Bieber fans. When the audience stopped holding their heads to recover from the pain, the pair started to make their demands.
"Tee hee HEE! Now, I am just a sixteen year old gal from Mississippi, and I want to make it easy on Y'all, so I'll just make it simple. Give us all of your cash money and put it in my backpack or else!" The Gossip Girl giggled, while still smacking away on her Bubblicious and playing with her pigtails. Her backpack, of course, was bright pink with The Witches of Waverly Place and the one and only Selena Gomez on the back.
"Uh… yeah… what she said," the Creepy Corporal added.
Of course, some members of the audience were restless and decided to try an protest. Two in particular, a pair of best friends for over 25 years, were adamant at having their hard-earned cash money taken away from them. One, dressed as the Sweet Transvestite from Transylvania herself was really a mild-mannered accountant for Royal Bank who was also slightly balding and had three children. The other, dressed as Magenta, was just a manager at Burger King, but the two were great comrades over the years. Together, this nameless pair exclaimed, "Hey! That's not fair! We aren't just going to give you our money, no matter how creepy or annoying you may be! We are calling the police!"
"Oh, that was a big mistake!" And with that, the Gossip Girl fixed her renowned Relationship-Wrecker-Glare on the pair. Instantly for no apparent reason, the two formerly best friends pounced on each other and proceeded to beat the ever-living-shit out of each other. Body glitter and garters were thrown about into the rest of the stunned public and screams of "You BITCH that was my MAN!" and "Don't Believe Facebook, please stop hitting me! NOT the FACE!" were barely heard over the ruckus. The Gossip Girl crossed her arms in satisfaction at the sight, "Now, if you all don't want to be like THAT, we can continue the process of getting my Visas paid."
With that, the crowd and the cast of the show started emptying their wallets and bras of all of the cash money they had on them into a pink Selena Gomez backpack, while the Gossip Girl giggled with glee and the Creepy Corporal stood in a dark corner of the theatre, creeping as usual. However, Alex, who was watching the events unfold with a mixture of awe and disgust, knew that he had to do something, even if that meant unveiling his ridiculously HAWT identity. He looked beside him in worry, afraid that Kim would see and that he would have to explain, only to see that, to his disappointment, she had disappeared. Oh well, he thought, at least she wouldn't have to see the transformation.
With the silent stealth of a ninja, or equally, someone who was trying to have a quickie in the bathroom, Alex reached into the back pocket of his jeans for a mysterious foil packet. While, to the casual observer and the aroused sex fiend, this foil packet would look like the Trojan Condom (Extra Sensitive) Packet, it certainly was designed to imitate, what lay within was much more awe-inspiring. Alex ripped the packet, and out popped a small crystal cut in the form of a stiletto, raising it, almost victoriously into the air, Alex yelled with all of his might into the stunned theatre, "DRAG PRISM POWER!"
With an unknown force defying both the laws of gravity and parental guidelines for nudity in public, Alex was borne aloft on a strange wind and covered with pink ribbons and feathers to the tune of some strange Japanese instrumental pop/rock music. Alex went through the transformation, and stepped out as the true Lady Lilith Wormwood. She, of course, had bright red patent leather knee-high boots and an equally bright skirt reaching down to her knees and a skin-tight white bodice with a ribbon around her neck. Lady Lilith Wormwood was stunning with bright red lipstick and a little tiara on her pitch black hair, with long white gloves reaching her elbows and heavy, yet tasteful eyeliner.
The only thing was, that the Lady seemed to be confused about her transformation as well, and was looking up and down herself as if in surprise. What She was really thinking, instead of how to kick her opponent's asses back to whatever seedy Toronto apartment they had crawled out from, she, or Alex, was really thinking "Aww Shit! RuPaul messed with my costume AGAIN! I was supposed to be intimidating! Not some reject from a Japanese primetime special!"
When both the Gossip Girl and the Creepy Corporal had finished picking up their jaws from the floor of the theatre, only two thoughts ran through both of their heads respectively, "WHERE does that bitch get her makeup" and "Maybe I should hit on her?"
Their musings were interrupted; however, when The Lady, or Alex, demanded, "You give these people back their money, so we can keep on enjoying the show!" And before they could reply, Lady Lilith Wormwood ran with her fists drawn about to punch the Gossip Girl where she deserved: In the ovaries, right in the baby-maker.
(Reference to Ron Burgundy)
Right when she was about to reach them, Alex fell to his knees in unbearable pain and awkwardness because at that moment, The Gossip Girl let out an awful screech and the Creepy Corporal unleashed all of his creepy powers (which were immense) and Lady Lilith Wormwood was brought down by the ungodly feeling of his eardrums being torn apart and almost paralyzing shivers down his spine from the monumental amount of creepiness being emitted. Just when the Lady was feeling utter despair and doubt that she could have these two fiend brought to justice, she saw a flash out of the corner of her eye.
And, with all of the righteousness and heavenly power of a snow day right in the middle of exam week, a figure clad in black leather swooped down from the ceiling, roundhouse-kicking the Gossip Girl in the face and effectively shutting her up, while also dealing a hard punch right to the solar plexus of the Creepy Corporal, pausing his terrible awkwardness. Who was this? Was it a bird? A fighter jet? A part of the police force, or at least a member of the TTC transit authority? No, it was neither of these.
It was Kim, in all of her hair-waving-gloriously-back-on-an-invisible-wind glory. Looking like some vision of Catwoman in an Adam Hughes artbook, but more badass and even more elegant, Kim was definitely a sight to behold, and a Godsend to the weary Lady Lilith Wormwood. She usually roamed the streets kicking ass and taking names, and she had no need of an alter-ego because she was just that awesome. And rotten two-bit villains learned to fear the name of Kim, because she was just that great. There doesn't even need to be a reason.
Although Alex was, unmistakeably glad to see Kim, he was also frozen as a sudden wave of awkwardness threatened to capsize his boat of hope to look cool in front of Kim, especially in the outfit he was currently in. So, to change the subject, he asked "So where did you go to change? You look nice, by the way."
"Thanks. And I changed in the bathroom when the shit started to go down. Why, where did YOU change? I like the look, by the way," Kim replied with a wink and a smile.
To his utter horror, unmatched by even the thought of being brought down by someone called the Gossip girl, Alex could not think of a proper response. And yes, it would have been so much easier and saved so much spectacle if only he had though of using the bathroom, so he could only reply smartly "Uhh… well… I…"
And again, they were interrupted, because as they were having this almost one-sided conversation, the two villains had gotten up, dusted themselves off and were ready for a fight, although slightly intimidated by the addition of Kim. "Why doesn't anything ever go my way!" squealed the Gossip Girl, who was about to throw a tantrum at the fact that she was getting no money from this, and she was also starting to miss her time away from her Selena Gomez DVDs. The Creepy Corporal was also getting impatient, because for him it is the hours of the early morning that are best suited for proper and undetected creeping.
"Well, there is only one way to settle this…" Kim began as she started getting ready for the ass-kicking she knew she would have to administer, joined by her super-heroine boyfriend who was also ready to punch the idiots who had burst in the middle of one of the greatest dates of his life. And they would have, too, if it weren't for the fact that they were interrupted, once again, by an unexpected guest.
Out of nowhere, smoke once again blew into the theatre, but this time a large metal platform came from the middle of this smoke, and there She was: the Seafood herself, RuPaul, already posed in a dramatic stance and dressed in a Vegas showgirl costume with all of the large feathers, the glitter and the sparkles, except all in purple and pink. RuPaul stepped off of the platform and walked slowly down the stairs that magically appeared before her. She, in true star form, already had a microphone in her hand and a performer's smile on her well-glossed lips. "Well, there truly is only ONE solution for this. The stakes are clear: On the one side, there are two villains hoping to make off with some quick cash money. On the other, there is a mysteriously foxy lady in black and my protégé, Lady Lilith Wormwood. Nice costume by the way." And with that, RuPaul blew a seductive kiss to Alex, who was looking back at his Seafood in shock and had an epiphany.
"So it was YOU who changed my transformation costume! I was supposed to be dressed in something else! At least in my costume I had actual pants instead of this skirt."
His complaints were definitely ignored as RuPaul continued, "AS I was saying. Yes, there is only ONE way to settle this when the stakes are so high. And that is to… LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!"
And, just as Kim was going to start protesting that there was a lack of DJ, appropriate lighting and a stage: out of nowhere, a DJ with turntables was transported next to RuPaul, and an almost too large disco ball fell to the center of the abandoned stage.
"Now Dahhhlings, I shall have to spell out the rules for all of you. Each side will pick one person to represent them in this battle, and will lip sync to one song. Then I will judge who the winner will be, and only THEY will get what they want! Now, I will give you time to discuss this, and then I will expect the participants to be ready in 10 minutes!" And with that, RuPaul threw his feather boa over his shoulder and stalked off to a front row seat.
As the Creepy Corporal and The Gossip Girl were both engrossed in their own team huddle, Kim turned to Alex, "Well, I am not really experienced in this, and you know what RuPaul likes, so you should go!" Actually, Kim kicked ass at karaoke too, she just really wanted to see her date perform. So they decided for his turn he would sing La Roux's "Bulletproof." Ten minutes later, it was decided by an intense game of rock-paper-scissors that The Gossip Girl, who was performing for the Villains, would be going first. Of course, the Gossip Girl chose Selena Gomez's song "Who says" and started to belt out the tune in the usual teenage fashion with too much excitement and too little talent.
Watching the performance, was RuPaul Seafood who was looking a little too excited, and checking the Gossip Girl up and down. Kim and Alex started a little conversation, in an attempt to block out the loud, but exuberant, screeches coming from the teenaged girl, while the Creepy Corporal just stayed in his corner, occasionally sending shivers down the spines of Kim and Alex.
"So… you never really told me about this whole thing," Kim said as she gestured to the outrageous anime-style costume Alex was still wearing.
"And you never really never told me about your skills in fighting crime and bringing justice. Also, I didn't really think it was first date material, you know?" Alex said with a blush.
"Fair enough. But let's just say we reveal all before we continue on. I think you pretty much know everything you need to about me already, just that if you even THINK of doing anything bad, I will be bringing you into a whole new world of pain." Kim said with a bright smile
"Well, you know everything about me, too. The person who taught me everything about this way of life is RuPaul Seafood, and the reason I am so good at crime fighting is that I can read minds when I concentrate and when I touch the person. Don't worry, I will never use this on you, but it sure comes in handy, because I am in Psychology, that is why I am so obscenely rich."
"WHAT THE SHIT?"
"Well, I said… uh… that was why I was obscenely rich?" Alex stammered.
"No! The OTHER part! Damn, if you can read minds we don't have to do all of this lip syncing! You can just read the minds of the Creepy Corporal and Gossip Girl, mess with their heads and then we can both go to bed, actually!"
"Yeah, well, you don't know RuPaul Seafood like I do. Her whole purpose in life is the performance and I think she really likes the Gossip Girl, in a really strange way, look!" And they did, and what they saw was RuPaul Seafood clapping excitedly to the music and squealing excitedly when The Gossip Girl stopped right in front of RuPaul Seafood and started doing a little shimmy.
"Leave it to me to do the convincing," and with that, Kim dragged off an unsuspecting RuPaul Seafood from her seat and proceeded to try to negotiate something that has never happened before: The end of a Lip Syncing battle. While she was busy, Alex proceeded to change in the bathroom back to his regular clothes and then tried to get the music to stop and transport the clueless DJ back to wherever the hell RuPaul Seafood got him from.
An indeterminable amount of time later, Kim dragged a pouting Rupaul Seafood onto the stage where everyone else was gathered, and where Alex was in the process of reading minds. First, and most difficult, Alex touched his fingers to the Gossip Girl's head and got into his mind, then, after a good half hour of recovery and involuntary shudders due to him being freaked out, Alex did the same for the Creepy Corporal. Then he began his diagnosis, while Kim and RuPaul Seafood listened on.
First it was the Creepy Corporal: Alex threw his arm around his shoulders and exclaimed with wild head motions, in a loud voice "PETER! MAN! LISTEN! You're too nice of a guy to go around creeping for the rest of your life. Go, live your dreams and open a tech support store in Toronto. Use your God given talent with computers and scam some people into giving more money than necessary!"
"Does that mean I have to stop going to rock concerts?" Peter, or formerly the Creepy Corporal, asked.
"I am afraid so, also it would help if you stop knocking at people's doors in the wee hours of the morning, cut your hair, and stop hitting people. Also, shampoo and conditioner every once in a while would be real nice. The first step in not being a creep, is to stop looking like a creep." And so, with this heartfelt advice given, Peter walked out of the theatre a new man, and gave up his villainous ways for ever due to his gift for helping people with technology. Sadly, that doesn't mean he ever stopped creeping, which was a damn shame, and that is why, if you are ever alone at night on a street or in a park, you should always bring a whistle and some pepper spray.
That was the easy one, now Alex had to work with the Gossip Girl who was, surprisingly, a six foot man from Kenya named Aaron who just had strong and kind of freaky teenage obsessions. The main reason he was the Gossip Girl was mainly because he LOVED and LIVED for DRAMA. Also, he spent a bit too much at Shopper's Drug Mart and at the iTunes store for accessories and Apps that he really didn't need, and his bills would be due in a matter of days. He always had trouble paying the bills for his extravagant spending. Aaron also owed a YQ student a 10 lb. bag of mints due to his addictive eating of all of her breath-freshening candies. Alex knew, that with someone who was already so obsessed with Teenage pop culture, it would be impossible to change. So, he figured, why change them when you can just cart them off to someone else? Sort of like deportation, but not really.
"So, Gossip Girl, I think I have the perfect place for you. Since I am almost done being taught by RuPaul Seafood, why don't you take my place as her apprentice?" Seeing the doubtful look on the Gossip Girl, and the excitement of his Seafood, Alex continued. "You both could probably learn a lot from each other, and from what I read in your mind and cannot erase, even though I desperately want to, you already share a lot of likes and dislikes. Like, going on Chat Roulette and pretending to be someone else, and also of course dressing in the drag. If that isn't enough reason, RuPaul Seafood is also obscenely rich."
"Say no more!" And with that, the Gossip Girl leapt into the arms of RuPaul Seafood, and they were about to leave.
However, RuPaul Seafood always had to have the final word, "Thanks for hooking me up, sugar, I knew I took you on for a reason. Now, I think you know all you need to succeed as a Queen, so I will go. Remember me as your faithful and talented teacher. Con-Drag-Ulations for getting such a great girl like Kim. And a real girl too, but your tastes aren't mine Also, don't call…. I'll be busy. Sashay Away!" And, with a dirty wink and a pinch on Alex's cheeks, both RuPaul Seafood and the Gossip Girl, formerly Aaron, vanished in an appropriately dramatic puff of smoke.
Alex and Kim were alone now, since most of the original audience of the cast and show actually left during the terrible singing of the Gossip Girl
"So," Kim began as she wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulder and started walking with him out of the theatre. "Can you read my mind and what I want to do now?"
Actually, although he was blushing, Alex could. And, although the details are sordid, what was on Kim's mind led the pair back to her place where they had magical unicorn sex for the rest of the morning. All I will say about the details is that, it was good.
In the late afternoon, Kim awoke. And, deciding to be merciful, she let Alex stay in her bed longer because he would probably be tired after all the fun they had just had… Over, and Over and Over again. She stepped out of her room and into the hallway where she, unexpectedly, saw two covered dishes waiting for her. Kim was curious, so she just went inside and put them in the kitchen. She opened the first one, which she was from Debbie, because it was a Pupusa she made, and a message was on it, written in that magic awesome sauce Pupusas are eaten with: Congrats on the Sex! Kim just laughed and put it aside.
The second package was from Kyra, because it was a cake obviously from her bakery, Kyra's Bootylicious Orgasm of Cake. Although Kyra's cakes are usually a welcome sight, this one was definitely not, because of the message it bore:
Congrats on Forgetting Your Essay!
The swear words that followed from Kim's mouth could have made the devil blush.
That evening, after Kim submitted her essay late, she went out to get something to eat with her friends. Alex had long gone, because he had to go explain to his parents why he was so late, but he did not leave without making a promise to come back. And they might have had some magical unicorn goodbye sex.
Yes, Kim was now with her girls: Candace, Debbie, Kyra and Diana. As always they were laughing, sharing outrageous stories, and walking together. And Kim thought that, perhaps, this was what life was about, and that it didn't really matter if life had Kyra's cakes and stupid essays, ups and downs, hook-ups and break-ups, her friends would always be there for her, through the awesome moments, and the not-so awesome. And, surprisingly, that assurance was better than unicorn sex, and just as amazing as the magical power of one of Kyra's cakes.
"So, how was last night?" Debbie asked Kim with a wink.
"It was great, but way too short…" Kim began.
"That's what SHE said," Diana interrupted.
And everyone, almost against their will, laughed like old friends. And that is what they would always be.
And, as SHE said, THAT was only the Beginning…