There she was. In the HEADS dorm. Lily bit on her tongue. Breathe Lillian Rose, breathe, she ordered herself. Amazing Lauren was sitting in her dorm,her legs wrapped under her body while playing with James' hair. Her long tanned fingers twirling his messy black strands around. He had his legs lazily displayed in front of him. Lily couldn't help watch his golden muscled arm flip a page from his quidditch magazine. She groaned. It was beyond unfair to have to endure him from a distance. Lauren stretched forward, more flexible than a cat, and whispered something into his ear. He laughed sending chills up Lily's legs and a warm feeling settled into her stomach.
"i didn't know we were bringing people into our dorm now Potter," she snapped. She didn't want to yell at him but it was easier pretending. Pretending that just being near him didn't set her on fire. Pretending that it didn't make her think of all her wild sinful sex dreams(the specific very naked chocolate covered one from last night).
His head lifted and he raised an eyebrow.
"i was never against bringing people up here Lily," he said calmly.
"hmmm, right," she replied.
"hi Lily," Lauren beamed.
What the fuck? Why did she have to be so perfect and nice? Why couldn't he be dating some horrid cow?
"hi," she grunted in return and quickly turned to leave, "I'll let you two have some privacy yeah?" Before he could respond she was out the door.
"leaving so soon dear?" the gargoyle asked concerned.
"yeah.. just.." Lily couldn't choke words out. Her throat seemed to have been burned closed. Hot melted lava poured into her, she felt like she was being fried alive.
She walked, dragged the weight of her sorrow all the way up to the Gryffindor common room and into her old room. Marlene wasn't here, she was probably out running. Mary was at her ever 'popular' 'house-unity' club. Lily slammed into her old bed and wrapped herself into the familiar covers. It smelt like old sleepovers and her 4th year perfume that she'd never managed to wash out. Alice would be with Frank, they were glued at the hip now days.
She felt the tears hot on her cheeks before she registered that she was actually crying.
She never cried! Potter was making her CRY. The realization only made her sob more. When had she become this girl? The one so depended on a man for love and assurance? When had she become so worthless? She disgusted herself. She had been strong, independent, self-assured and beautiful. People had looked up to her. She had been a proud Gryffindor, a kind person and he had stripped her of everything! He had stripped her raw, worse than being displayed naked, he had ripped her flesh from her skin... leaving her bones alone. Not even her soul. Her temper becoming nothing compared to what it had once been. Her shiny hair not nearly as bouncy and pretty. Her face was pale and drawn.
"lily?" Emma's horrified voice only made her break down more. People weren't supposed to see her like this. NO ONE COULD SEE! Not ever her bestfriends...
"GO AWAY!" she yelled in between broken sobs.
"lily? Oh lily, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Emma perched on the side of the bed, her hand resting gently on Lily's head. She stroked her shaking bestfriend's hair soothingly.
"You're s-s-sup-p-posed t-t-ttt-o b-b e out-tt with N-nick," she stuttered.
"he had a quidditch thing," Emma said briskly, "but what's wrong? Tell me."
"go away Emma," she whispered.
"Is it Owls? Lily you're the smartest in our year you don't need to be stressing over this stuff. I keep telling Marlene that we need to get you out so you can have more fun and stop working..."
merlin, OH MERLIN! She thought it was grades! Grades... as if she would cry about her grades? Her school work was the one thing she could control.
"Em.. p-pleasee go away," Lily whispered.
Emma pulled her hand back hurt, "Lily?"
"GO!" she screeched.
"WELL FINE!" Emma stood up angrily, "you know Lily, We can't help you unless you tell us whats wrong!" Emma swept her dark black hair over one shoulder and stormed out of the room. The door slam echoed against the walls.
Lily broke down even more. Great. Now she was pushing her bestfriend's away too...
But what was she going to say? I realized James Potter is fucking sexy and I want to shag him until i'm bleeding?
except it was more than that wasn't it... there was the physical attraction but worst of all was the gaping whole in her chest. The whole that was most deffineilty caused by her emotional attachment to the idiot who had cast her aside for Lauren.
Quidditch playing Lauren.
Then there was ALSO the fact that everyone would laugh at her. Marlene would say 'I told you so!' and Mary would have to pay her for the little bet they have going on about potter and her. Emma will look all pitying at Lily...
Telling them made it more real. If she spoke to them about it, shared her deepest darkest feelings then there was no chance of going back. No chance of this all just being a bad dream in her head. Potter would really have moved on. . .
She let herself break down, she let the weakness sweep over her for the afternoon and cried into the familiar bed sheets. They reminded her of the times when things weren't confusing. When he was chasing her and she was screaming at him.. Back when she didn't know her feelings at all and everything was far more simpler just to hate him. when everything was right with the world.
Now everything had been spun upside down and she didn't know how to walk upside down.
Any feed back is welcome.