Kuso Ninjas!

Chapter One- Captured by the Creepy-Hot Akatsuki!


Disgusting. Red. Fruit-disguised- as- Vegetables. Those…ninja bastards. Fruity ninja bastards. Damn them.

Glaring at the nasty scarlet fruit frying in the pan, Naruto snarled, using the spatula like a kunai as he viciously stabbed the object inside.

"Damn your tomatoes and your stupid fetish, Sasuke-TEME!" Naruto exclaimed furiously, kicking the stove.

"Who're you damning my tomatoes to, Dobe?"

Without looking who had spoken, Naruto flipped another fried tomato and answered crossly, "Shut the hell up, Teme, I'm flipping your stupid, asshole-tasting shit you call fruits. Now call our kits up."

Sasuke gave Naruto a irritated glare. "Woman in disguise…" The Uchiha muttered lowly.

Naruto slowly turned around, a cold smile on his childish face. "What?"

"Nothing," Sasuke replied, rolling his eyes and walking gracefully out the kitchen door like a panther.

Naruto snorted. "Drama Queen."

Walking down the hall, the ex-Avenger came upon Wolfy's door first. He gave a few curt knocks. "Wake up."

A garbled reply was heard complete with a nasty curse word.

Sasuke knocked again, a little harsher now. "Quit cursing or I'll force feed you soap and mustard."

"Fine!" Wolfy yelled through the door, throwing her covers off. "I'm up! You stupid chicken butt-head…" The last part came out in a mumble.

Sasuke's eye twitched unpleasantly. Those brats were forgetting he had super hearing…

"What did you say?"

Wolfy swallowed. "Nothing!"

"Good." With a calm smirk, the sharingan user walked on, satisfied that he managed to get one brat afraid of his wrath…

The next door was painted a pure, God-forsaken bright RED. Seeing this door in particular everyday made the cold raven want to barf and Katon-ed the door to Hell. Dear lord, the red was BURNING his eyes.

Before he could knock, said bright red door swung suddenly open and a small figure popped out, a foot aiming toward his face.


Without blinking, Sasuke dodged the foot and watched the child crash into the wall, intended foot aimed toward his face make a jagged hole in the plaster.

"OUCH! DAMN YOU, YOU STUPID TEME-BASTARD DAD!" Dark screeched in pain, yanking her tiny foot out the wall with no success.

"Stupid brat," the Uchiha countered, smirking once more as he watched the frenzied scene. "You'll never make a great ninja if you're loud as an elephant."

"Shut the fuck up!" Dark retorted, giving her a foot another unsuccessful wrench. "One day, I swear, I'll make a better shinobi than you!" She paused, seeming to think for a second. "Except Naru-Mommy, he's the BEST shinobi."

Sasuke glared. "I'm not?"

Dark grinned. "You're a bastard. Bastards like you ain't cut out to even KISS ninja feet!"

A pause.

"Hey…does it feel a little cold all of a sudden? My foot feels rather chilly…"

Then realization seem to spark up in her emerald eyes.

"Oh SHIT. Wh-who's door is thi- SHIT! GET IT OUT! GET MY FOOT OUT!" Dark screamed in panic, yanking on her leg frantically while staring in fear at the purple, star-and-skulls/bones- decorated door which was a few feet down the hallway. "HELP ME YOU BASTARD!"

Sasuke smiled a genuine smile. "No. Watching you suffer is the highlight of my existence."

"FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD! SHIT SHIT SHIT! SHI-" With that last, muddled up curse, Dark, with extreme strength, pulled out her foot…an instant later, barely more then a second, a 'whoosh' was heard and a GINORMOUS butcher knife swung down over the hole, complete with long, pale hand gripping it.

Dark swallowed. Her foot was THAT close to being CHOPPED off! "Dear Kami-sama! STAR! That was my FOOT you almost CUT off right there!"

Two glowing red eyes appeared in front of the hole, the rest of said person's features hidden by COLD, soul-sucking darkness. "So?"

"I'm your FRIEND!"

"Friend or not, you woke me up…Just be glad that I didn't lather my knife with POISON and actually made contact with your skin."

Sasuke looked a little sick. Dark stared at the hole in incredulous horror.

"You're a twisted, sadistic, EVIL, girl, Star."

A low, cool chuckle was heard. "Thank you."

Sasuke sighed. Stupid kids were so wild these days…

"All right, get up St-"

A kunai whizzed out of the hole and narrowly missed the Uchiha's knees.

"Shut up. I'll get up when I feel like it."

Sasuke glared. First in the morning filled with curses at his hair and tomatoes, an attempted assault at his face, and now a pissed-off 12-year old that almost nicked his knees. Wonderful.

"Just get up, your Graduation Ceremony is going to start soon and I really don't care if you miss it or not, but the Dobe does. So get. Up."


"Fine." Was the quiet reply, and a rustle of paper was heard.

Blinking, Sasuke looked down at the Dark's foot-sized hole, and saw that covering said mini-crater was a sign that proudly stated, 'FUCK YOU ALL AND LEAVE ME TO MY FUCKING BUSINESS, FUCKERS!'

Dark silently growled. "The F word is mine, Star!"

"Shut up!" Star snarled, slamming a fist into her wall. Another hole now adorn the hallway.

Sasuke's eye twitched again. He was SO going to hear it from the Dobe…

"Come on, Chibi Dobe, brush your teeth and we'll continue our fight in the kitchen," Sasuke stated, dark eyes meeting bright, rebellious green.

Dark smiled, a gentler smile, though hidden underneath a fake show of ego. "Ha! You know I'll win the fight anyways, so why bother taking it downstairs?"

Sasuke flicked her nose, almost teasingly as he strolled pass. "In your dreams, brat."

"That's the other way around, you Bastard-Dad!"


"Morning, Mommy!" Dark chirped, bouncing in the orange-painted kitchen with a bright flair.

Naruto sighed, but smiled at the little girl who hugged him. "For the thousandth time, Dark, I'm not a girl, therefore, I'm not your 'Mommy'."

"And I'll keep calling you Mommy, Mommy," Dark smiled sweetly, completely disregarding Naruto's statement. "Can I have ramen? PLEASE~?"

Sasuke scoffed. "Like Chibi Dobe, like Dobe."

Naruto turned to the Uchiha, tick on his forehead. "You wanna say something, Teme?"

"Yeah, Teme, you wanna say something?" Dark quoted, peering victoriously from behind the jinchuriki.

"Nothing to you two, of course," the raven said smoothly, sipping his Cuppa Joe ('cause its cooler that way!), "I don't want to waste precious, intelligent words on two dobes over the fact that ramen-" his lip curled disdainfully- "is actually nuclear waste in a plastic, STD-driven cup that will kill you from the inside out. Yes, don't mind the speech of an intellectual person speaking his mind which you two will not understand. I don't mind." Another sip.

Naruto and Dark stared.

"I will kill you," Dark said calmly.

"Go ahead," Sasuke said, a little too cheerfully in a strange, Uchiha way that would scare the shit out of S-classed criminals. "I would love to see a pint-sized brat like you try to take on me, who, by the way, has all the capabilities of decimating a third of the country into oblivion." What a smug bastard.

"She won't be the only one taking you on," Naruto hissed out, "You got ME to worry about, you ramen-hating bastard! Damn it, I hope the Ramen Goddess give you shit-eating Karma for all the crap you're saying about her treasure."

The Sharingan user had the audacity to yawn. "Of course you have a Ramen Goddess. Why am I not surprised?"

"Why you-"

"G'morning!" Wolfy greeted loudly, Star trailing moodily behind her as the duo took their seats. "And I can't believe it! Ninja Graduation Day!"

Star nodded, taking a plate of eggs complete with bacon. "We can finally get REAL missions!"

Shooting a dirty look at the Uchiha, Dark chimed in, "Hell yeah! We can finally bring out the real guns and show some… 'nonbelievers (-coughbastardscough-)' what we're made of! Complete with friggin Ninja Headbands, too!"

"Keep on making not-so-subtle threats like that and you'll one day rival me, Chibi Dobe," Sasuke replied to Dark's statement in an amicable manner.

"Shut the dirty shit up, you motherfu-"

"Dark!" Naruto said exasperatedly, barely concealed amusement in his tone. "Let's not cuss. And Sasuke-teme, just shut up."

"But you cuss all the time, Naru-Mommy!" Dark protested, cheeks coloring a pink hue.

Sasuke smirked. "Yes. Set a good example, Dobe."

Naruto glared at the ex-S-classed missing nin, too pissed to even utter a curse. So he did the next best thing. Grabbing the fried tomato-covered plate that was supposed to be for the duck-assed head raven, he went to the trashcan.

Sasuke's eyes widened slightly. "Dobe, don't you dare-"

The Kyuubi-holder stepped on the trash can pedal, and with a foxy smirk, threw the glass plate with all the strength and fury into said garbage, smirk growing wider at the clinking sounds the broken plate made.

"You were saying, Teme?" Naruto asked disgustingly sugary sweet. "I couldn't hear you over the sound of your tomatoes dying in a lovely fashion."

"…" Sasuke's hands shook uncontrollably, just WANTING to wrap them around one kitsune's tan neck…

In abruptness, he stood up and grabbed the back of Dark's vest collar, dragging her out of the kitchen door.

"What the- lemme go, you Teme-Dad!" The tattooed girl squealed, waving her arms.

"We're going to the Graduation Ceremony," was the curt reply. "Come on Wolfy, Star."

The duo, which both had already eaten, contently followed the Uchiha out, sickly amused at the drama in the Uzumaki-Uchiha household.

Dark gaped. "But I didn't have my ramen yet! LET ME GO!"

Ignoring his charge's wails, the Uchiha stopped in front of the kitchen doorway, cocking his head in the direction of his partner. "Oh yeah…"

The bastard smirked.

"You might want to take a look at the kits' hallway…"

Naruto frowned, watching the Uchiha make his 'manly' escape, dragging a screeching Dark with Wolfy and Star in tow, wondering what his asshole of a friend was talking about…

The demon-keeper trudged out the kitchen door, up the stairs, and into the girls' hallway. Pure blue eyes widen dramatically.

What. The. Fuck?

The hallway was littered with holes.

Dear, Kami-sama…

Naruto knew who to blame…


The Uchiha smirked at his best friend's enraged scream.

Revenge was so sweet…


Sasuke watched disinterestedly as the kits got their headbands, smiling and grinning like insane brats- oh wait- they ARE insane brats.

Feeling the Uchiha's stare, Dark turned around and glared, still grouchy over the 'No-Ramen-for- Breakfast' incident as she received her Konoha symbol cloth.

The ex-Avenger merely smirked back, smug. Dark stuck out her tongue rebelliously.


The fire-haired girl turned around at the call of her name, and smiled like the sun as she saw her boyfriend run up to her, waving a hand.

"Shinji!" Was her joyous cry, and she leaped, arms encircling around his neck as the light-brown-haired boy's arms went around her waist. "You're here!"

Shinji Ashikawa grinned. "Of course I'm here! Are you forgetting that I'm a ninja, too?"

"Sorry, just excited and all, I mean, we're actually ninjas now-"

A scream ranged out from the crowd.



Shinji and Star spun toward the sound, sweat-dropping as Wolfy stumbled past them, her self-proclaimed boyfriend following her.

"I love you, Wolfy!" Kaji Kawada declared, his imaginary bunny ears twitching as if in agreement. "What must it take for me to show you how much I adore you, need, you, love you?"

Wolfy vomited a little inside at the sick display of PDA.

"I don't need your twisted, screwed up, stalker-obsessed love," the bandanna-wearing girl snarled venomously. "Baka Usagi! Who would love you?"

"You!" The bunny boy said triumphantly, pouncing forwards and hugging his love interest with tight vigor. "Love me!"

Wincing at the painful scream from Wolfy, Star nudged her taller boyfriend, muttering, "She loves him. She's just denying."

Shinji nodded, amused. "I see."

Then Star realized something. She turned to the fair-skinned boy, face in a mask of slight terror. "Shinji…where's the icy Kagemiya?"

Shinji looked a little confused at the change of question. "You mean Yukio? I don't know where he went."

Star shook her head wildly. "No! If you're with me, and Kaji's with Wolfy, then Yukio's…"

Then realization also dawned upon him. "Oh crap."

The couple nodded at each other, uttering in unison.


"You! What are you doing here?"

It was obviously the tattooed girl's voice

Star sighed. "Kami-sama…"

"It's already started," Shinji finished for her, rubbing his temple.

The rainbow-eyed girl smiled wryly. "I'm glad I found you."


"Now, let's go find my temperamental little friend," Star sighed, walking towards Dark's indignant yells.

"What the hell? What are you doing here at Ninja Graduation, you mini-Teme?" Dark screeched, pointing a finger at the golden-haired male.

Kagemiya Yukio raised a fine, aristocratic eyebrow. "I, for one, am now a ninja. I think I have the right to ask that to you, a childish, short, and weak girl, of why you are here, don't you think?"

Dark gaped. "What the fuck? You BASTARD! I do too have a right to be here!" She jabbed her thumb at her forehead protector aggressively. "You see this here? This is the symbol of Konohagakure! I'm a friggin Konoha NINJA! SHINOBI! I'm stronger than you, and I'M NOT FREAKING SHORT! FUCK YOU, YOU ASS! I bet I can take you down with ONE jutsu!"

The prodigy narrowed his cold black-gray eyes. "I highly doubt that. And besides, just because you have a ninja forehead protector doesn't mean you're a shinobi of the village automatically. It takes skill, intelligence, and strength to be one. Considering your low test scores, your obvious lack of respect, and pure weakness over emotion, you're not cut to even touch the headband." A smirk. "Why do you have the chance to be a ninja when you obviously didn't earn the right?"

Star, Shinji, Wolfy, and even Kaji, (who had paused his exclamations) stared in shock at what they heard.

Yukio had NEVER been this cruel to his opposite. Even since the beginning when they both hated each other.


On a particular day, the three 7-year old girls met their match, three boys who were a tight knit of friends. While Star and Wolfy had met their match quite well (even though Wolfy claims to want to kill Kaji), Dark and Yukio, the prodigy of the village regarded each other with suspicion. Things might have gone there to a nice beginning if not for one comment.

"You're a vampire," Dark had stated solemnly, taking her kunai out in replacement of a stake. It escalated downhill from there.

Yukio glared, a flicker of emotion on his usually emotionless. handsome face. "How am I a vampire? That's a little childish of you to think so."

"Nooo. You must be a vampire, 'cause you're pale like snow, hair too yellow…" Dark took a breath. "And your eyes are too dark for a complexion like yours to be right. And since you'll eventually get thirsty, you'll kill the whole village and eat us all." She held up her kunai up a little. "I will have to destroy you first, blood-sucker."

Everyone besides the tattooed girl had an incredulous look at the strange and psychotic explanation.

Yukio felt irritation flutter under his skin.

Who did this girl think she is?

Even though his family were rather new to the Leaf village, they were descended practically from royalty from a faraway land, had amazing ninja qualities, and great control over their chakra.

This girl, this lowborn, had no right, no RIGHT, to accused him of something as childish as a VAMPIRE.

"I'm not a vampire, you idiot girl," the prodigy snarled, eyes flashing. "I'm a normal person. Maybe I should ask YOU whether you're a monster or not." His nose lifted in disdain. "Tattoos at such a young age, green eyes that practically glow in the dark, hair as black as dusty coal, you're obviously not human!" He smirked. "And you're short."


"Take that back, you blood-sucking bastard!" Dark screamed, lunging at him.

"Oh man," Shinji cursed, "Someone go get help! Kaji?" The brunet turned towards his red-head bunny friend…and practically fell over in disbelief as said bunny friend ignore his request and only proceeded to make doe eyes at the bandanna-wearing girl of the lot who obviously seem to despise his advances.


"I'll help."

Shinji turned toward the sweet, dear lord, BEAUTIFUL voice, and was met with a fair-skinned face, rainbow flashing eyes, complete with pretty smile on the girl with fire-colored hair. He was at lost at words.


"Hey there, I'm Star," the girl- Star- greeted pleasantly. Her tone turned a little apologetic as she viewed the scene with flying limbs and dust which was Yukio and Dark. "I'm REALLY sorry about my friend, I mean, she's nice, but she gets angry when people call her short and-"

"It's okay, I get it," Shinji laughed (a little too nervously for his liking), "Anyways, it's not entirely your friend's fault, it was Yukio's, too, and really, he needed to be knocked down a peg or two." He smiled. "Name's Shinji. Nice to meet you."

Star grinned back and was about to say something back when an enraged Dark screamed.

Shinji understood. "Guess now's not the time." He winced as Yukio got socked in the face and Dark in the ribs. "We better get help. I'll get his parents, and you-?"

The leader of her trio nodded. "I'll get Naru-Mommy and Sasuke-Dad. Let's hurry!"

The duo left, leaving the carnage behind them.

Naruto held Dark away from Yukio as she ranted and hissed, wanting to attack, as the latter did the same, held down by his father.

"Dark! Dark! Calm down!" Naruto pleaded, holding her stray kunai in one hand and her shirt collar in the other.

"NO!" Dark raged, eyes growing bright. "I wanna get his other eye! Then he'll look like a panda!"

"If you can!" Yukio shot back, teeth baring in an unfamiliar fashion. "You're just a girl! You're so weak I bet you can't even hurt a fly!"

"Yukio!" The boy's father exclaimed, shocked at his son's unruly behavior. "What's gotten into you?"

"IT'S HIS/HER'S FAULT!" The two kids wailed in unison, answering Yukio's father and Naruto's voiced question. They glared. "STOP COPYING ME!"

Naruto was getting tired, and he turned to his other partner, desperate for help, "Sasuke-Teme, get over here and help me-" Naruto stopped his cry when he saw what Sasuke gotten himself into.

"Make him go away!" Wolfy shrieked, clutching the Uchiha's shoulders as she clung to his back, trying to get away from-

"I'm not going anywhere!" Kaji decalred, fire in his blue eyes, stance firm but small against the Sharingan-users bulk. "Not until you agree to MARRY ME!"

"We just met, you sicko!"

"I like you! You're pretty and your attitude is one-of-a-kind, you're mine!"

"In your dreams!"

"I haven't yet, but I will tonight! Anything for you, Wolfy!"


Sasuke had the most disgusted look on his face as his gaze came into view with Naruto's.

Naruto winced for his friend's obvious problem. He turned back to his own problem at hand.

"ALL RIGHT!" The blonde yelled, catching everybodies attention. "BREAK IT UP! We're all civilized people here, so start acting like it!"

Naruto set Dark on the ground, looking her firmly in the eye. "Now you go and apologized to Yukio-kun."

"But-" Dark began to protest.

Naruto's eyebrows furrowed. "Dark."

"…" Dark scrunched her nose. "…Fine."

With a dark look, the black-haired girl turned in her opposite's direction and coughed out, "I'msorry! –coughyoubastardcough-."

Naruto inwardly smiled at his charge's lack of respect (she reminded him of himself when he was younger!), but had to frown, lightly bopping her on the head. "Dark! Show some respect! Now apologize correctly."

Dark glared, obviously humiliated.

Yukio smirked. "Yeah, Daaark," the boy drawled particularly on the fox girl's name. "Show some respect and apologize."

Yukio's father, Tezuka, nudged his son hard in the back. "You, too, Yukio. You're as much at fault as her, show her some respect."

"But-" Yukio protested, seeing Dark's triumphant grin.

Tezuka stared down coolly and firmly. "Yukio. Do not protest with me. Obey."

With a quiet growl, he turned to face the shorter female warily. "…"

"…" Was Dark's silent answer.

Neither was willing to give in.


"I'm sorry."

"…I'm sorry, too."

Naruto grinned, looking at Tezuka. "Now! That wasn't too hard, was it?"

Dark gagged while Yukio looked crossly away.

Tezuka chuckled, looking at Dark warmly. "You're a very spirited young lady, are you?"

Dark flushed a little, hiding behind her Naru-Mommy. "…Yes, sir…"

Naruto laughed. "Yep! That she is! My lil nudger~!" The demon host laughed jovially, hoisting Dark up in the air and holding her close, making her giggle. He turned to Yukio. "And you're a one-of-a-kind person yourself, boy, you remind me of…" He grinned, making his scarred cheeks crinkle merrily. "…Sasuke, my buddy over there." He threw a thumb towards said 'buddy' in mention for the added effect.

Sasuke glared. 'HELP ME,' the Uchiha mouthed, eyes glancing to the still on-going conflict of sorts between Wolfy and Kaji.

Naruto just smirked. 'YOUR PROBLEM,' he mouthed back, relishing the dark glare that was shot towards his way.

He turned to Tezuka and Yukio. "Well," he tipped his head, "We gotta go. It's late as it is and I have dinner to make, so yeah…"

Tezuka nodded in understanding. "Likewise, Uzumaki. And…" The fair-haired man smiled toward Dark. "I am rather curious about your adopted daughter. It's not everyday ANYONE stands up to my son like that."

"That's 'cause he's a jerk," Dark piped up, giving Yukio a nasty glare.

"Dark!" Naruto scolded, flicking her on the nose. "That's mean!"

"So uncivilized…" Yukio muttered.

Dark narrowed her eyes. "You with the ugly mug- yeah you! Shut up!"

Tezuka gave a hearty laugh, obviously strangely amused. "A lot of fire in one so young…" He murmured. "And such a strong inner strength and willpower…I will probably not be disappointed in your progress towards the way of the ninja, young kit. She'll be your number one rival, right, Yukio?"

Yukio gave a disbelieving, disgusted look.

"Rival?" Dark gaped. "Heck no! Why would I need a rival when I'm already the number one around here?"

"You wish, moron," Yukio sneered. "You're not strong enough."

Naruto clapped a hand over Dark's mouth to prevent any more sound escaping. "Well, sayonara, Kagemiya-san, good night to you!"

"Indeed," Tezuka answered. "And a good night to you and your family, too."

Naruto smiled sheepishly. "Strange family, huh?" He looked over in Sasuke's and Star's direction. "Let's go home!"

"Finally," Sasuke muttered sourly, holding his curly-haired charge in a piggy-back ride

"YES!" Wolfy crowed, sticking her tongue out at Kaji. "Goodbye FOREVER, you stalker!"

Kaji just smiled sweetly. "Oh, don't worry Wolfy," he said in a reassuring tone, "We both go to the same school and I know where you live!"

Wolfy looked horrified.

Star sighed sadly, looking (longingly?) at Shinji. "Well…I guess it's…goodbye."

Shinji just smiled. " 'Good night,'" the light-eyed boy corrected. "Like Kaji said, we go to the same school, so we'll see each other, okay?"

"Yes!" Star laughed, beaming. Then, quicker than a snake, she leaned up and gave a small peck on the other's cheek before spinning around and running away towards her family, her own cheeks a fluorescent red. "Bye, Shinji Ashikawa!"

"…" Shinji couldn't say a word, face flushed scarlet, only holding up a hand to wave back.

Right before the Uzumaki-Uchiha household turned the corner, Dark, still in Naruto's hold, tipped her head where she left her future rival.

Yukio still stood there, staring back into her eyes.

'DROP DEAD,' she mouthed, grinning.

'YOU FIRST,' he replied, a small smirk on his pale face before he, too, spun on his heel and walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dark couldn't say anything, only staring wide at Yukio, hands unclenching and clenching furiously.

The golden boy noticed. "What? Angry? What are you going to do about it?"

A red haze fell over the tattooed girl's vision.

That. Was the last straw.




Naruto was in the office, looking over the paperwork Tsunade-obaachan gave him, feeling guilty that he couldn't attend his kits' own graduation ceremony when he heard the door open. He looked up and felt his jaw drop

"What the hell happened?" The jinchuriki squawked, standing up so fast the chair he was sitting in flipped over.

Sasuke glared, face black with soot. "It," he snarled, pointing at a bristling Dark. "IT was the reason."

The kids and Uchiha was covered in ash, their clothes were burnt and ragged, and Wolfy's headband had died, resulting in only the metal surviving the brutal attack.

Naruto gulped. "W-what do you mean? What does Dark have to do with this?"

"Yukio Kagemiya pissed her off," Star intoned, grimacing as her clothes brushed against a burn on her skin.

"So she decided to Katon the guy," Wolfy continued, staring at her headband in mourning.

"But her chakra was outta control."

"And it resulted in a mass explosion."

"Of pain and terror for the civilians."

"Half the school has been decimated."

"No one died though, so that's a good thing, right?"

"Tsunade-sama looked VERY angry."

"…" Naruto's mouth opened and closed like a gaping fish.

"Dobe," Sasuke said, turning black eyes on his friend. Naruto turned, bringing wide, blue and startled eyes upon him. "I will never babysit. I hate it."

Naruto stared. "…"

Then he practically COMBUSTED.



"I hate you brats," Sasuke stated calmly, eye twitching in the need to KILL something. Or someone. OR some kids for the matter. Possibly his adopted kids. "I hate you so much."

"The feeling's mutual," Dark grumbled, sitting on the ground.

"I hate my life right now," Wolfy muttered, tying her headband-bandanna hybrid in her hair.

"At least I got my dolls," Star said happily, hugging said CREEPY dolls to her person.

Sasuke hated HIS life. Period.

The family was outside the Konoha gates.

"Okay, let's get this over with," the Uchiha gritted out, rubbing his temple angrily. "Since I'm now YOUR Sensei, you have to obey me."

"Not gonna work," Dark retorted.

Sasuke went on, ignoring the fox for the first time ever. Wow, he must be really desperate to get rid of them.

"Other teams may start their first D-rank mission next week, but we're doing it NOW. So I can get it over with." 'And get rid of you brats for at least a couple of hours,' Sasuke mentally said, celebrating inside. "Your mission is to find a hidden gold necklace in this particular woods."

"Gold?" Wolfy perked up, interest piqued as something of monetary value was concerned.

"Real gold," the Uchiha answered. He held up the picture of the necklace. "Get it memorized," he ordered, taking the picture away. "Now go."

"What the-?" Dark exclaimed. "Just like that? No food? No drinks? What?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "Yes," the Uchiha managed out, "Yes, just like that. I'm NOT like any other Sensei, I'm Uchiha Sasuke, so my teachings different. I don't want to teach you brats either, but since the Dobe's busy working for the Hokage, I have no choice."

"B-but- what about FOOD?" Dark cried, jumping up from the spot. "What if we get LOST?" She still hadn't eaten.

Sasuke gave her a look that said, 'Are you stupid or just stupid?' "It's a D-RANK mission," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You WON'T get lost. The wall is big enough that if you DO get lost, you can climb a tree and look for the damn wall to get back to. Now go!"

He disappeared, using some kind of jutsu to escape. On cue, the Konoha gates closed, signaling the start of the girls' mission.

"Oh Kami-sama," Dark whispered, looking bugged-eyed. "We're screwed,"

"No we're not!" Star laughed, turning to lead the way. "With me around, we'll find that stupid necklace in no time!"

"And sell it," Wolfy chimed in.


" 'With me around, we'll find that stupid necklace in no time!'" Dark mimicked obnoxiously. She glared at the leader of her lot. "LIES! Lies, Star, LIES! It's all your fault!"

"Nu-uh!" The fire-haired girl denied, walking around a tree.

"Shut up!" Dark raged, "Damn it all! It's all YOUR fault! We're stuck in the middle of nowhere, we're lost, and we have NO FOOD!"

"We're not in the middle of nowhere," Wolfy said amiably, "We're in the middle of the forest."

"WHO THE FUCK CARES!" Dark screamed. "We're LOST! And it's all her fault!" She pointed an accusing finger towards Star.

"We ain't lost if we don't care," Star stated mildly, hugging her dolls closer.


"Star, I'm hungry," Wolfy said, looking to the leader for guidance. "Got any food?"


"YOU'RE hungry?" Dark laughed insanely, bright green eyes a little brighter in a strange, and disturbing fashion. "I haven't eaten ANYTHING for HOURS, and you complain that YOU'RE HUNGRY! And OF COURSE THAT LIAR DOESN'T HAVE FOOD! WHO DOES?" Insane laughing ensued.

"Dude, we gotta NOT feed her any more sugar," Wolfy hissed secretively to Star. The rainbow-eyed girl nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, the sun shined down at an angle, and in the distance, something glittered yellow.

Star's eyes widen. "I see it!" She began running in the direction of the glow.

"See what?" Wolfy asked, blinking as she followed.

"I think she found the damn necklace!" Dark whooped. "HELL YES! Now we can go back home, and Wolfy? You better get a good price off that piece of shitty jewelry, 'cause I'm gonna buy the whole Ramen section in the supermarket!"

Star was then, right upon the necklace, it's ruby center gem gleaming beautifully. She reached out…and then SOMEONE ELSE grabbed it before her.

"What the-?" Star glared at the sudden intruder. "Hey! That's mine! Give it back!"

A long-haired blonde man dressed in a long, black with red-cloud prints cloak, stood before her, necklace in his grasp. He looked up. Star's eyes widen. One of his eye was MECHANICAL! A cyborg?

"We found it first, un!" The cyborg-man exclaimed, holding it in his- GASP- his hands had MOUTHS on them!

Star gawked. "Wait," She paused. "Who the hell's 'WE'?"

"HAHAHA! RAMEN RAMEN RA-What the hell?" Dark bellowed. She pointed again, this time at the blonde stranger. "Star! Why the fuck does that blondie woman have our stupid necklace?"

The man turned purple.

"Whoa!" Wolfy just came into the scene. "A purple Smurf!" She turned to Star, blue eyes pleading. "Can we keep it?"

"I'M NOT A SMURF!" The cyborg-woman-Smurf-man roared. "AND I'M NOT A WOMAN EITHER! I'M A MAN, UN!"

As if to further prove his point, he ripped the front of his jacket open, revealing a VERY flat chest.

Dark's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. "Holy shit! It's not just a WOMAN, it's an UGLY WOMAN!"

The blonde sputtered. "Y-You-You-" He glared. "Damn it! I'll BLOW YOU UP, UN!" From the inside of his cloak, he grabbed some clay and the mouths on his hands began chewing furiously.

Wolfy stared in horror. "OHMIGAWD!" The bandanna-girl shrieked. "I DON'T WANT THIS PURPLE SMURF ANYMORE!"

"What's all the racket?"

The group spun around to see more of the Blondie man's cohorts arrive in the same outfit.

The one that looked like a shark was the one who had yelled. "Damn it Deidara! We're in Fire Country! And you're causing all of this loud shit! You want the fucking Anbu to get on us?"

The red-head of the lot sighed. "Kisame, you're louder than any of us right now, so shut up." Complete with bored face and tone. Red turned toward the blonde, Deidara. "And Deidara, you shut up, too."

"But Sasori-danna!" Deidara whined childishly, hands-mouths things still chewing. "It's all of these girls' fault! I found this necklace first, but they said they did!"

Everyone's gaze landed on the 3 girls.

Said girls' shuffled awkwardly.

"Well…" Wolfy said.

"You guys are hot," Star randomly shouted. She clapped her hands on her mouth in surprise. "Oh…crap."

"Star," Dark said, gagging. "Like…EWW? What kind of taste in men do you HAVE?"

"But they are!" Star said defensively. She turned to Sasori. "Anyways, that necklace-" She pointed in Deidara's direction. "- is OURS. We were sent on a crappy mission to retrieve it, so if you don't mind? Can you tell him to give it back?"

Deidara bristled. "Hell no, un!" He yelled. "This is MINE! I found it first!"

Sasori shrugged. "I don't really care kid." He narrowed his eyes as they zoomed in on the girls' headbands. "Wait-"

"They're Konoha nin!" Kisame, the shark man, yelped. Then he grinned, showing rows and rows of SHARP teeth. "That means we can eliminate them, right?"

"Yes!" Deidara agreed whole-heartedly. "Let's!"

Wolfy raised a hand. "Uh…I- uh- really don't like that…idea."

Kisame shook his head, blue hair waving casually. "We're Akatsuki. We don't give a damn what you like or don't like. You're getting eliminated either way."

"Uh…How about you do it AFTER we finished our mission?" Dark suggested, getting antsy. "We'll just like, relieve you men of the necklace, go back to our village, complete our mission, buy some ramen, and then we sic the Anbu on your asses. Good plan, ain't it?"

Deidara glared. "Hell no! We're not idiots, un! And after those insults you brat spewed to me, you're not leaving here alive!"

Star looked at Sasori. The red-head just shrugged.

"Crap," Dark hissed to her friends. "We NEED to get that necklace! And complete it while still ALIVE." She nodded towards Star. "You distract those guys with your creepy-assed dolls. Me and Wolfy'll get the necklace from the Blondie lady. Good?" They nodded. "Okay…go!"

The Akatsuki was getting suspicious with the kids' behavior, but their attention was then diverted.

"Hello," Star said sweetly. "Do you LIKE my DEAD DOLLS COLLECTION?" She held out said items.

"Oh SHIT-!" Kisame screeched, flailing in terror at the creepy, scarred-faced, make-up ridden, mini-knife wielding, DOLLS. "GET IT AWAY!"

Sasori looked interested, as he was an avid doll collector himself. "The Bloody Mary one looks intricate."

Star grinned. "Special ordered myself!"

Deidara was getting freaked out by the doll spectacle when all of a sudden, the curly-haired, bandanna-toting girl lunged and TACKLED him. "AUGHHHH!"

The other small, dark- haired one pounced, and BIT him on the SHOULDER, and damn it! It hurt like HELL. "HOLY FUCK! SASORI-DANNA! HELP ME, UN!"

That grabbed everyone's attention.

With a triumphant growl, Dark pulled up, ripping a red cloud off the blonde's cloak as she grabbed the necklace and made a mad dash for it. "RUN GUYS!"

Wolfy leaped up, and grabbing Star, began to run.

Deidara stumbled upwards, seething. "I'll kill you kids, un!" The blonde threatened loudly. "I'LL KILL-" At that point, the hand-mouth thing on his hand got tired of chewing, so it decided to spit out the clay…which was highly explosive.


"WAAAAH!" Wolfy and Star screamed, flying in the air from the C4 explosion.

"No!" Star cried, sitting up and scrambling madly in different directions. "My dolls!"

"Come on!" Wolfy yelled, standing up and dragging her sobbing leader with her. "We gotta run!"

Dark stood waiting at the edge of the tree, and seeing the hyperventilating Star, ran to Wolfy's side to help. "Damn it, Star! They're just dolls! You could always get new ones!"

"But they were MINE!" The fire-haired girl wailed heartbrokenly. "MINE! And they were LIMITED EDITION!" In her wild rage, the tall girl smacked Dark's right hand, and the necklace flew out of the tattooed girl's grasp.

Dark gaped. "Star! YOU IDIOT!"

The trio stopped, in the middle of the woods, a smoking wreck behind them.

"Damn it! Where the hell did the necklace go! Damn it, Star! We NEEDED that!"

Dark stumbled around a tree, desperately looking for the cursed jewelry. "Oh Dear God," the eldest member of the team squeaked. "WHERE IS IT?"

"Star!" Wolfy yelled in distress.

"Nothing's more important than my DOLLS!" The girl bawled in reply, punching a crater in a poor, defenseless tree.

"DAMN IT STAR!" Dark roared, backing up and around. "Why did you have to do that-" Her back was met with something firm. She turned around and her bright green eyes widened. "Sasuke-teme?"

A sharp blow to the back of her head knocked her out.

"Wha-" Star and Wolfy started to say in unison, before they too, got knocked out.

Uchiha Itachi stood over the bodies of the 12-year olds, grimly looking down.

Deidara crawled out of a bush, hair messed up and burnt. He saw the kids. "I'm gonna kill them, un," he snarled hoarsely, standing up shakily. "Kill them-"

Sasori stepped out of a copse of trees, coughing as he supported Kisame's not moving form. "Aah, Itachi," the puppeteer greeted. "I was wondering where you were."

"Scouting," the Uchiha said simply, gazing intently at Dark's comatose form.

"I'll kill them so hard, they'll feel the backlash in Hell!" Deidara ranted on, not noticing anything else besides the abominations in his sight. "Kill them-"

"You can't," Itachi said grimly.

That stopped Deidara cold. "What, un?"

"You can't kill them," the adult-prodigy repeated, still looking at Dark.

Deidara felt his mouth pop open. "What do you mean we CAN'T kill them? We're Akatsuki! We could do ANYTHING!"

"You can't," Itachi just stated.

"And why not, un!"

"…It'll go against our morals."

Deidara looked baffled. "What morals?"

"Uchiha does have a point, Deidara," Sasori said. "If we kill these 3 kids, the Konoha citizens would get even more angered, and the Anbu would try even harder to find us. We have no choice. We're taking them with us."

Deidara decided HE must've died from his C4 and went to Hell. "What?"

Sasori kicked Kisame to the side, resulting in the shark man to wake up with a groan. "We're taking the girls with us," he explained patiently. "Kisame, you get the bandanna one, I'll get the doll-carrying one, and Deidara-" The sand nin thought better of it. "-Deidara, you scout ahead to see if we attracted any trouble. Itachi, you'll carry the small one."

Deidara was still muttering things under his breath in a daze as he went forwards.

Sasori sighed.

As the 3 remaining Akatsuki members shoulder their new burdens and began walking, Itachi looked thoughtfully at Dark's sleeping face. 'Sasuke-teme? What do you know of my foolish little brother?'

Dark sighed, face morphing into a scowl, as if sensing that something was amiss.

'Who are you really, child?'


"Sasuke…where's our kits?"

Sasuke paused in the act of demolishing his onigiri. "Doing the D-rank mission," the Uchiha growled, obviously irritated at the fact that he left them on a task to get away from them, yet was still pestered indirectly by them.

Naruto frowned. "…When did you send them off?"


"…It's 8:00."




"SASUKE, YOU STUPID BASTARD!" Naruto screamed, knocking over his ramen. Blue eyes glittered strangely, as if holding back tears. "They're KIDS! HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE? You heartless BASTARD!" He drew in a shuddering breath. "I couldn't feed Dark this morning, I couldn't attend their graduation ceremony, and I couldn't even be their Sensei for ONE DAY! And now, I was waiting for them to get home so I could apologize and they're out THERE!" Naruto jabbed a hand out the window to indicate his point.

Sasuke began to feel a little guilty. "Dobe, they're not babies anymore. They can take care of-"

"THE HELL THEY CAN!" The Kyubbi-container yelled. "They could be lost for all we know, and you're acting like- UGH! You have no heart at all you bastard! Tsunade entrusted them to US. We're their adopted parents! For 5 years now! And now, when they just turned 12, they're LOST IN THE WOODS!"


"Don't DOBE me, Teme!" Naruto screeched. "What if they're in trouble? What if Wolfy's kidnapped? What if Star's hurt?" Tears finally poured out of Naruto's unique blue eyes. "What if Dark's DEAD?" The last part came out in a whisper.

Sasuke abruptly stood up.

"Let's go."



Naruto and Sasuke stumbled around in the woods, shouting their kits' names.

Sasuke stopped, holding a hand to stop his blue-eyed partner.

"What the hell, teme?" Naruto hissed.

"You…smell that?"

"Whattayamean-" Naruto started to say, and then he paused.

What WAS that burnt, dirt-clodding smell?

Naruto gulped. Sasuke looked tense in the torchlight.

The two began walking in the direction of the smell.

Naruto's eyes popped out. "What the FUCK?"

A huge crater the size of a small, 2-story building laid in the middle of the clearing.

"Oh, Kami-sama," Naruto breathed. "You think-?"

Sasuke walked on, inspecting the wreck.

Naruto walked past it, intent on finding his charges and bring them home. He entered a small group of trees when all of a sudden, he tripped.

"Owch!" The spiky-blonde snarled. "What the hell-" He stared. "…S-Sasuke…?"

Hearing his friend's strangely urgent tone, the Sharingan-user walked over. Dark eyes widen imperceptibly.

Naruto held the gold necklace in his hand brokenly, but that wasn't what caused him to go into shock. In his left hand he held…an Akatsuki red-cloud print.

It was the ripped cloth that Dark had bitten and ripped from Deidara's cloak.

With a choked sob, Naruto burst into tears while Sasuke stared at the piece of meaningless cloth that meant everything to him at the same time.

Their kits were gone.


Review? -gets shot once again-