Made For Each Other
AN: As awesome as it is that Superjail could have a decent-sized fandom from just a few ten-minute episodes, it is *not* awesome how many fan-girls insert themselves into stories as badly-done Mary-Sue self-insert characters that the Warden totally falls in love with. Thus, I wrote this. It's meant to be a parody of all the silly OC fics and artworks I've read and seen. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so please don't. (Also, I never know what to call Warden. Is it The Warden, or just Warden? I find myself flipping between the two.)
The Warden spun around in his office chair and stared up at the ceiling. Hopelessly bored and feeling mildly homicidal, his mind immediately turned to thoughts of summoning Jared up to inquire as to whether the budget would allow installation of "surprise decapitation budgies" (the name needed some work, but he was confident they would inject some much-needed old-fashioned beheadings back into the Jail).
At the sound of Jared's shrill voice, the Warden snapped out of his thoughts and stared blankly at the miniature accountant currently flapping his arms and sweating profusely. (No change there, then.)
"You know what, Jared, I was just thinking about you!" the Warden announced with glee, clapping his gloved hands together and leaping to his feet. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Could I possibly be lucky enough to find you've already done it?"
"Done what, sir?" Jared asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No- what?- no!"
The Warden sighed and flopped back into his chair, flipping the rim of his top-hat down to cover his eyes. "If anyone needs me, then, I'll be asleep, and-"
"No, sir!" Jared interrupted, "You have a visitor!"
The Warden's eyes snapped open and his bottom lip began to quiver, resembling that of an infant about to throw a spectacular tantrum. "A what? Why? I hate visitors, Jared, you know that!"
"Yes, sir," Jared replied, wiping his brow with an already-damp sleeve, "But she says it's important."
She? The Warden perked up. "Is it Alice?"
"No," Jared stated, flatly, "It's someone much worse than Alice."
As if on cue, after having such a grand introduction applied to her by the large-headed accountant, the visitor flung open the door and made her entrance into the office. Her perfume was a powerful blend of roses and romance, filling the office and attacking the noses of anyone within a ten mile radius.
Her clothes were perhaps the most striking aspect of her, however, as she was stood clad in an exact replica of the Warden's own suit. Had she stolen it from his wardrobe? The only difference he could note were the tiny felt hearts sewn into the pink strip around her top-hat, and that she wore no glasses, all the better for keeping her eyes on display (one green, one blue) and her flowing blonde locks could frame her effortlessly beautiful face better.
"The name," she declared, in a voice not too high but not too low so it was just right for anyone to instantly fall in love with it, "is Madame Kristina Clytemnestra Crystal, the Madame of the Rainbow Penitentiary, the most rainbowy Penitentiary known to man!"
The Warden couldn't speak, merely able to stand up in an attempt to greet her. He didn't know what to say. Kristina took this as the sign to continue. "I hear you run this establishment?"
"Y-yes," he coughed, and Kristina beamed with delight.
"Excellent! It's a lovely place," she said, her formerly harsh demeanour replaced for no particular reason with a giggly, blushing one. "W-What's your name, Mr?"
"You can call me... The Warden?" he replied, unsure of how to proceed, and for some strange reason wondering if this Kristina actually knew his real name- maybe because she was secretly his long-lost fiancé betrothed to him when they were children that he forgot about in a horrible bout of amnesia? He waited for her to speak.
"Nice to meet you," she smiled, flicking her blonde hair back, which had a natural streak of lilac. "Would you like me to work here with you and stuff?"
"I'm fine, thank you," the Warden answered, "I have Jared here to run things with me- wait, where did Jared go?"
"You fired him, remember?" Kristina stated.
"I did no such thing! Where did Jared go? In fact, where did Alice and Jailbot go?"
"Yes you did!" she squealed, suddenly defensive. "You fired them all because I'm the only staff member you'll ever need! And then one day, as we're walking under the beautiful night sky and admiring the stars that resemble diamonds on a sea of navy-blue fabric, you will realise you're madly in love with me and propose, and I'll say yes, and we'll live happily ever after and stop killing everyone, because I don't like blood that much and I only even watch the show because I think you're really cute and I have a thing for guys with buckteeth- see, isn't it perfect?"
The Warden took a few awkward steps back. "Listen, I think you're a... charming young woman, but seriously, I'm not-"
"But then," Kristina went on, ignoring him completely, "You'll forget my birthday and we'll have a really sad break-up and the genre will have to change to 'angst'. But it's OK though because you make it up to me by singing a Taylor Swift song, and because the reviewers like us so much, of course, they'll ask for lots of sequels, so we can be proud onlookers in the adventures of our children!"
The Warden winced. "Ch-children?"
"Yep, two boys, two girls, both sets of them miraculously twins of course," Kristina explained, twirling her rainbow-coloured walking cane. "Heck, maybe if the reviewers ask for it we can even post the lemons featuring us, right?"
He didn't particularly want to know what a 'lemon' is in her world as he was, quite frankly, terrified. "Listen, I'm not-"
"And then!" Kristina continued, jumping up and down slightly, her gorgeous glossy hair shining under the light from the ceiling-bulbs, "You'll die, but come back as a ghost, and we can do pottery or something! And we can make the genre for that one 'supernatural', because that would be a really cool idea, right? Or maybe we can just have some 'romance/humor' that shows the wacky hi-jinks you get up to in an attempt to make the inmates form a choir to sing to me!"
The Warden swallowed, his mouth dry from the horror of her plans. Was there no end to her insanity? Where are decapitation budgies when he needs them?
"Now then, down to business!" she snapped, taking her first few daring steps forward, an expression of determination displayed upon her face. "I think our first kiss should be in your office, because it's your favourite room and that symbolizes how close I am to you, don't you agree?"
For the first time in a long while, he screamed.
THE END, your misery at having to read this is over xD I hope it was a marginally amusing parody, anyway. For a more realistic Superjail! OC story, check the author IrkedOut, who has just started an excellent one.