Vincent Valentine a... Dad?

A/N: I shouldn't be starting another story right now but this idea won't leave me alone. As some of you know I like to torture the men of Final Fantasy VII with kids (i.e. Cloud Strife: Is Raising Kids Harder Than Saving the World) so of course I had to do it to one of my very favorite guys... VINNIE! LOL He is so screwed!

Disclaimer: Honestly, do the owners of things with awesome stories really go on Fanfiction looking for people to sue? I think not.

Chapter One: Vincent becomes a daddy and it doesn't even please his hormones

It was a normal day for Vincent Valentine, Ex-Turk, gunman, member of the WRO, member of AVALANCHE, and immortal monster. Yes, everything was perfectly normal for Vincent aside from the fact that he was escorting four silver haired young children that had once be raving Jenova-crazy-maniacs to Seventh Heaven. He'd been heading there for the holidays when he found them

"Where are we going Daddy?" Now, it takes a lot to surprise Vincent, being that he's a stoic immortal Ex-Turk, but if you were going to comprise a list of things that could surprise him being called Daddy by a six year old version of Sephiroth would be number one. Vincent stopped and stared at him mouth agape for a moment before recovering.

"I-I'm not your d-daddy," he stuttered out.

"Yeah you awe Awith said so." Vincent blinked. Why the hell would Aerith tell them that he, Vincent Grimoire Valentine, was their... "Daddy"?

"Well I'm not."

"Yes you awe." Vincent sighed and decided to let the subject drop for a while. He surveyed the children. Their clothes were ratty and dirty. Deciding that he didn't want to be stopped by some misguided child advocate for neglect he went to get them some new ones. Entering a quiet shop full of clothes, he looked around. Vincent realized he had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what to get. A middle aged store employee came up to him smiling.

"Need some help?"

"Uh, yes, um, I don't know, uh, what to get for them." the employee appraised the four silver haired kids. She moved away for a moment and then came back with four outfits. Aside from the sizes, and colors of the sweatshirts and coats they all looked exactly same: Puffy coat, Sweatshirt, white t-shirt, underwear, white sports socks, dark wash jeans, black sneakers, blue gloves, and blue hats.

"Thank you ma'am," he quickly fished out the appropriate amount of Gil. "Is there any where I can-"

"Dressing rooms are over there," the woman said guessing his next question.

"Thank you," he repeated, walking the boys over to the dressing rooms. Dressing three of his four little charges was an amazingly embarrassing experience for Vincent. At least Sephiroth could dress himself. He quietly ushered them out of the store thanking the woman for a third time.

"You still didn't say where we were going Daddy."

"Again, I'm not your Daddy."

"Yeah huh, yeah huh! You are our Daddy!" This time it was Loz. Vincent wanted to curl up in a ball and hide somewhere. Or better yet, go to sleep in a coffin for a few years.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!" Vincent heard a chuckle.

"Yeah, I tried to tell my little ones that too," an old man said, patting Vincent on the back. "They never believed me." Vincent rolled his eyes. He had to get to Seventh Heaven. Fast.

To his absolute relief Vincent finally got to the bar. Opening the door he was greeted happily by Tifa.

"Vincent! You made it- what the?" All of his friends which included Tifa, Cloud, Barret, Cid, Shera, Yuffie, RedXIII/Nanaki, Reno, Rude, Tseng, Elena, Rufus, Elmyra and Reeve, plus Marlene and Denzel looked at him in surprise when they saw his companions.

"Yeah, 'what the?' that's what I want to know," Vincent answered, setting Kadaj down.

"Don' put me down Daddy!" Vincent turned crimson.

"I'm not your Daddy," he mumbled knowing it would do no good.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID KADAJ JUST CALL VINCE 'DADDY'?" Cid shouted cigarette dropping out of his mouth.

"Not in front of the children, honey." Shera said softly patting her husband.

"CHILDREN? WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN! THESE ARE FUCKING INSANE BASTARDS THAT TRIED TO DESTROY THE FUCKING WORLD!" That was when Kadaj began to cry. Everyone was dumbstruck. Tifa recovered first.

"It's okay Kadaj! Ssh! Ssh!" She said picking up the toddler into her arms.

"He *hic* d-don't *hic* like us." Kadaj cried pointing to Cid. Cid humphed in agreement.

"Doesn't," Vincent corrected automatically. All eyes turned to him. "He doesn't like you." That got Kadaj sobbing harder.

"No, No Kadaj. He does like you ALL of DADDY'S friends like you." Tifa glared at everyone daring them to disagree. No one decided to mess with her. Especially in her mothering mode.

"I'm hungry!" Loz announced suddenly.

"VINCENT GRIMOIRE VALENTINE! YOU DIDN'T FEED YOUR KIDS?" Tifa shouted at the taller, older man.

"They're not my kids and I didn't know they needed to be fed!" Vincent answered cowering away from her anger, kind of wishing he were a bug so he could run away.

"OF COURSE THEY NEED TO BE FED THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS!"

"Some would disagree with that statement," Red/Nanaki muttered. Tifa didn't hear him as she was bringing the kids over to one of the bar tables.

"So, uh, what's the, uh, story Vincent?" Rufus asked scratching the back of his head.

"I found them near the outskirts of Edge and decided to bring them here. I was confused when they started calling me "daddy" and even more confused when Sephiroth said Aerith told them I was their father-"

"She did," Sephiroth interrupted, "She told us you were our daddy. She showed us you and told us when you would find us."

"Um, Sephiroth, if I may ask how old you guys are?" Nanaki asked as kindly as he could, not wishing to incur Tifa's wrath.

"I'm six." So I was right. Vincent thought to himself.

"I'm five!" Loz answered cheerfully.

"I fwour." That was the first time Vincent had heard Yazoo speak.

"I thwee!" Kadaj shouted, for some reason extremely excited.

"And, uh, when did Aerith tell you that Vincent was your, uh, 'daddy'?"

"Before we came," Sephiroth answered simply.

"He must mean while they were in the lifestream," Cloud muttered to himself.

"You guys should go to bed," Tifa said gazing at the silver haired children. "Denzel and Marlene too." there were a few "Oh please Tifa Vincent just got here" and "We're not tired" from Marlene and Denzel. But eventually the kids were ushered upstairs. That is, aside from Kadaj who refused to leave his "Daddy" even for a minute. He was asleep on Vincent's lap. Vincent was now slightly angry at himself for carrying Kadaj the whole way; now the child was clingy.

"Well Vincent this must be they were reincarnated to get another chance at life. And your obviously supposed to give it to them," Reeve told the gunman seriously.

Before Vincent could answer Cloud said, "Think of it as a way to atone for your sins." Vincent found himself not being able to argue. Vincent had committed many sins and if this was the planet's way of repaying him, so be it. Vincent had only one thing to say:

"Fuck my life."

Twenty-one people fitting in one house/bar was an interesting challenge, especially since fifteen of them were fully grown adults. It had been decided that Denzel and Sephiroth would share Denzel's bed and Loz and Yazoo would share the trundle under Denzel's bed. Marlene was already sleeping in her bed so Yuffie was selected to join her. Yuffie happily obliged and skipped off to shower. That was six people down. Elmyra got Cloud's old single bed and it was moved into Cloud and Tifa's room. Tifa, Shera, and Elena where sharing Tifa and Cloud's king size (Horny fanboys have boners), Rufus and Tseng where sharing a queen size air bed in Cloud's office (it was interesting to see the president of Shin-Ra and a respected Turk arguing like eight year olds over who was being a cover hog), Red XIII just curled up in front of the fire place in the living room, Vincent, Cloud and Kadaj got the pull out couch in the living room (Horny fangirls have female-boners, although mini-Kadaj sorta ruins the moment), Reeve got the single air bed, Cid got the love-seat, Barret got the chair and ottoman, and Reno and Rude got the floor in the bar (mostly because Reno asked to sleep with the women so he could "protect" them.)

Vincent laid Kadaj down on the pull out couch. He had to go put on his pajamas and would rather not have been watched like a hawk by a three year old. Cloud was already comfortable on his side of the bed. The moment Kadaj left Vincent's arms he woke up.

"Where you goin'?"

"The bathroom, Kadaj. Am I allowed to go there without your accompaniment?" Kadaj pondered the question.

"Yeah go." Vincent rolled his eyes. He had to do something about Kadaj's unhealthy attachment to him.

If it wasn't bad enough that Kadaj had to sleep next to Vincent, Kadaj decided that he had sleep on top of Vincent. The moment Vincent lay down the toddler climbed right on to his chest. Every time Vincent would move him back to the bed he'd climb up again. Finally, Vincent decided to compromise and lay only Kadaj's head on his chest. The boy promptly fell asleep in this position.

'Your such a softie Vincent.'

'Shut up Chaos, I was just trying to get him to sleep.'

'Well your fueling his clinginess.'

'I'm weaning him off of me.'

'Weaning? Interesting choice of words Vince.'

'You know what I meant, idiot!'

'Uh oh! Somebody's a little cranky!' Chaos said in a voice someone might use when talking to a two year old.

'Stupid patronizing demon!'

'No no Vinnie we don't use mean words! Chaos is going to have to put Vinnie to bed early tonight. Say night-night Vinnie.'

'Night-Night Cha-Cha.' (that's pronounced Kay-Kay if anyone was wondering.) Vincent said in the same patronizing tone. Chaos smirked and Vincent moved into a quiet world of sub-conscience.

'Vince. Vince. Vince! VINCENT GRIMOIRE VALENTINE WAKE THE HELL UP!'

'Chaos? What's gotten you so excited?'

'They're taking pictures.'

'What?'

'They're taking pictures!'

'Taking pictures? What the hell Chaos! Quit speaking in riddles!'

'They're taking pictures of you, imbecile!' Vincent was still confused, but he woke up any way. He heard a lot of snickers and giggles.

'What the? Why is my chest so heavy?' He looked down and saw Kadaj on top of him. It finally dawned on him what Chaos was talking about when he said that they were taking pictures. He looked up and saw most of his friends laughing and Tifa holding a camera.

Vincent growled and moved Kadaj off of him, but Vincent didn't realize when Kadaj grabbed the waistband of his black pajama pants and when he went to stand up his pants were pulled down revealing the pink Chocobo patterned boxers Yuffie had gotten him last Christmas. If Vincent hadn't been embarrassed before he definitely was now. His friends roared with laughter, waking Kadaj up fully. The toddler might have been upset if he hadn't noticed why his daddy's friends were laughing and thought it funny too. Vincent quickly pulled up his pants, grabbed his backpack, and rushed to the bathroom, knowing he'd never be able to live this down.

That was it: Kadaj was quitting him cold turkey.

A/N: I bet your thinking "Damn that chapter sucked it was super boring!" I promise it'll get better. That was just an intro I haven't really started torturing Vinnie yet. I swear I'm not giving up on Cloud Strife! R&R, C&C and drink eight glasses of water a day.