Vincent Valentine... A dad?
Chapter Five: Kids Say the Darnedest Things (A.K.A In Which Rufas Accidentally Mentions That the Turks Have Retirement Pensions)
Roses are red
Violets are more purple than blue
Yoichi Wada, I really hate you
Warning: I guess I'm obligated to warn you that there will be a lot of swearing in this chapter. What can I say, Cid has a potty-mouth.
Out of all of Vincent's annoying ass brats, Cid liked Yazoo the most. He wasn't a shit talkin' little punk with more attitude than his puny body could handle (Sephiroth), he wasn't a whiny pussy-ass little bitch (Loz), and he wasn't a screamy clingy little dickhead (Kadaj). Yep, Yazoo was none of those things, he was quiet and calm just like a kid should be. That's why Cid asked for some private surrogate uncle-nephew time while everyone else went out together, so he could really get to know the kid. Well, that and the fact that he'd bet an obscenely large amount of gil on Sparky the Chocobo and needed to watch the races.
"I really wanna go but this is my perfect chance to spend some time with Zooie. Ya'll have fun now, ya hear?" He said smiling at his "family".
Cid could've sworn Rude gave him a rude look but I he couldn't exactly tell because of the glasses.
"What's this sports fans? It seems the favorite to win, Sparky the Chocobo, has decided to stop, literally, FOUR FEET from the goal!"
"WHAT THE HELL! DON'T STOP YOU RETARDED CHOCOBO! RUN, MOTHERFUCKER RUN!"
"And he's still just standing there! This is insane sports fans!"
"WHAT THE FUCK CROSS THE DAMN FINISH LINE YA DUMB BITCH!"
"Oh my! Sparky the Chocobo has just allowed the second favorite Dandelion to pass him! Will Sparky go over the finish line now…?"
"COME OHN YA LIL' SHIT LICKIN' ASSHO' YA OUGHTA LEAST GET SECON'!" Yazoo was beginning to notice that the angrier Cid got the harder he was to understand.
"Sparky the Chocobo has just allowed the THIRD favorite Buttercup to pass him!"
"OH MAH FUCKIN'—GET THIRD YA YELLA FAGGOT—YA GOTTA GET THIRD!"
"Will Sparky go for third?"
"HE BETTA GO FO' THIRD!"
"Nope sports fans, it seems Sparky wants to keep his feet firmly where they are because he's just let Sunshine the Chocobo get third place giving up the last medal he could have possibly received in this race."
"IF I EVA MEET THAT FUCKIN' RETARD YELLA HO IM GON' STUFF 'EM AND EAT 'EM FO' THANKSGIVIN' DINNA! DUMB ASS WHORE OVA BIRD!"
"Dumb ass whowe of a biwd!" Yazoo repeated cheerfully. Cid froze.
"Uh, Yazoo, don't-"
"Shit licking asshowe!"
"Stop it!" But Yazoo was just warming up.
"Wun modafucka wun!"
"YAZOO, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"Shut da fuck up!" Yazoo screeched in return.
"Nooooooo!" Cid groaned face-palming, "Yazoo, Zooie, Yazzy please will you stop saying those words?"
"Cause… cause them words you're saying, they're bad words and bad words make your daddy… hurt." Cid wanted to pat himself on the back when Yazoo's eyes got comically large.
"Make Daddy cwy like Oz?"
"Uh, yeah. Yeah! Those words make your daddy cry like Loz, so you can't say them around him or anyone else."
"So you won't say anymore bad words, promise?"
When everyone else got back Cid decided to tell the men, aside from Vincent, of course, what had happened with Yazoo.
"We got a problem guys."
"I don't have any problems," Tseng stated rather pompously.
"Yeah, 'cept that huge dick up yo' ass," Barret responded with a roll of his eyes.
"Seriously! We've got a huge problem! I, uh, I mean, I sorta, uh, ya know, um..."
"Cid, what's wrong? You've never been a man of few words..." Reeve said placing a hand on Cid shoulder.
"Well, I, ahem..."
"Just spit it out, yo!"
"I sorta, kinda, taught Yazoo how to swear." Cid had been expecting the explosion, really, he had.
"THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"It was an accident! Sparky the Chocobo fucked up the race and let everyone pass him and I got pissed! I said some things and Yazoo started repeatin' 'em!"
"I can't believe you taught the quietest of Vincent's children to swear," Nanaki said.
"I can," Cloud muttered.
"I really don't see how this is my problem."
"Go fuck yaself Tseng! Us men stick together in this family!" Cid shouted, "If I'm goin' down ya'll all gonna go down with me!"
"This is a family? Yo, I thought we were just a group of crazies!" Reno said, cackling wildly at his own joke.
"Shut up Reno," Cloud said with a roll of his eyes.
"You do know that you included yourself in this 'group of crazies' right?" Rufas said, effectively raining on Reno's parade.
"Back to the topic at hand!" Nanaki said quickly, "What are going to do about this, uh, situation?"
"Well I already told the kid whenever he swears Vincent gets hurt so..."
"Oh yeah, that helps," Barret scoffed, "Whatta we gonna do smack Vince every time the kid starts cussin'?" He paused at the groups' calculating looks, "Oh c'mon ya'll ain't serious?!"
"Why not Barret?" Reeve asked with a shrug.
"Because, because... I mean really! Ain't the chicks gonna notice us randomly hittin' Vincent? No, forget about the chicks, ain't Vincent gonna notice us randomly hittin' Vincent?"
"It's a chance we must take," Reeve said firmly, "We'll call this Operation: Curb Kiddy Cursing!"
"Reeve, what is with you a naming things operation blah blah?" Tseng asked with mild interest.
"Don't judge me Tseng! I am your elder!" Reeve squawked stomping out of the room.
"What's goin' on with him?" Cid asked.
They all shook their heads.
"Let's just say it involves Cait Sith, a six year old girl, and a Christmas tree," Cloud said ominously.
"Um, yeah, let's just get outta here 'fore Yazoo starts cussin' again," Cid decided quickly.
A few hours passed without incident, and Cid had calmed considerably. Maybe he hadn't ruined Vincent's only good kid permanently?
"Shut da fuck up, Oz!" Everyone froze.
"Yazoo sweetie, what did you just say?" Shera asked bending down to his level.
Yazoo opened his mouth repeat himself and Cid quickly interjected, "He said 'get the muck cup, Loz'."
"The 'muck cup'?" Yuffie asked.
"Yeah, uh, that's what he calls the bowls we put the... oatmeal in," Rufas said thinking fast.
"Oh," Yuffie said still looking rather confused
Rude nudged Barret and pointed to Vincent, who in turn nudged Cloud, who was holding a bag of frozen wingdings. When Cloud noticed the two men gesturing toward Vincent he immediately hauled off and whacked the former Turk in the head with the chicken.
"OW! CLOUD?!" The injured man screeched. Yazoo snickered.
"Sorry Vin I didn't notice you there."
"Cloud, I'm six-two, I have long black hair, and I'm wearing a bright red cape, how did you not notice me?"
"I'll pay better attention next time."
"Okay everyone calm down. Lets get lunch started, Cloud put that chicken in a bowl of water."
The rest of lunch passed by uneventfully.
Nearly three hours later everyone was in the living preparing to watch a movie.
"Sefiwoth you a whowe!"
"What's that you said Yazoo? Sephiroth we need more? I very much agree Yazoo, we do need more popcorn! Go make more Sephiroth!" Nanaki said. Sephiroth stared at him like he'd grown six heads.
"I don't think that's what he said," Sephiroth mumbled looking uncertain for the first time in his reincarnated existence.
"Of course that's what said!" Reeve shouted cheerfully, "Go make some more popcorn, quick, before the movie starts."
"Where's Vincent?" Cloud muttered.
"Kitchen," Reeve whispered, "We'll get him when he comes in." The other guys nodded.
Vincent walked in only a moment later holding an open bag of skittles, Barret following behind. Cloud made a smacking sort of gesture and Barret, good ol' Barret, immediately getting the message, went barreling into Vincent like a football player. In an odd turn of events, which would later make Rufas question everything his physics teacher had ever taught him, Vincent went flying over over the couch somehow managing to bang his head, land on his back with a rather sickening crunch, and dump the entire bag of skittles into his mouth. Yuffie strutted in just as Vincent's throat was starting to register the fact that his windpipe was being obstructed.
"Wow Vincent you really do like tasting the rainbow!" Yuffie said as Vincent turned an unhealthy shade that was a vaguely interesting mix betwixt(1) red and green. Yazoo sat on the armchair giggling quietly.
Barret, good ol' Barret, realizing the man was choking walked over and began walloping him on the back.
Needless to say it didn't help. At all.
Finally it was almost bedtime. Good sweet bedtime, when little kids couldn't curse and grown men didn't have to beat the swearing child's father with anything that was handy. For the last six hours Yazoo had said pretty much every obscenity known to man.
Hot Chocolate. The last step, the very last step before the bedtime routine. They could survive Hot Chocolate. They would survive Hot Chocolate!
"We can't survive Hot Chocolate."
"Don't be that way Cloud!" Reeve said clapping him on the back, "We will survive!"
"Nuh uh, yo. Chocobo head is right. The sky is falling on our shoulders and we can't hold it."
"Wow Reno! That was very poetic of you!" Nanaki said looking proud.
"Yeah, I heard it in some hipster song!" Nanaki face-palmed.
"And here I thought civility had actually been rubbing off on him." Tseng muttered sarcastically.
"Why you mad, bro?"
"You exist, ergo; I am angry."
"I think you're mad because Elena only gives it to you about once a month, yo."
"Well no one ever 'gives it' to you so I am decidedly the winner on that front."
"You know what Tseng-"
"Indeed, I do not know what but I assume you are about to tell me."
"Yeah, Imma tell you yo!"
"Nobody's gonna tell anyone anythin' 'cept me, and Imma tell y'all to shut y'all fuckin' mouths before Yazoo ruins all our hard work."
"Cid's kinda right."
"Nobody fuckin likes you, yo."
"Okay, okay, this is over. Tseng, Reno act like mature adults or I will start taking money out of your retirement pensions."
"We have retirement pensions?" Rude asked sharply.
"What? Did I say retirement pensions? I meant to say you are going to work for me your entire life until one or both of us collapses."
"So do we have retirement pensions or don't we yo?"
"How about no?"
"Then why did you suggest taking money-"
"Can we talk about retirement options later?" Reeve interjected, "We're kinda short on time."
"You're right Reeve let's go!" Rufas said sounding all too eager to get away from the topic of pensions.
There's always something very satisfying about sitting around the table on a cold night drinking fresh hot chocolate with the people you hold dear. Tseng and Reno were scowling at each other, Rude was glaring at Rufas, Cloud was glowering at Cid, Loz was sobbing, Yuffie was violating Vincent with her eyes, Vincent was using his eyes to beg Barret for help, and Shera was sharing a look with Tifa. There just was so much love around the table.
Five minutes before Tifa was about to tell the kids it was time for bed disaster struck, violently.
Loz, finally fed up with Sephiroth's berating, threw his arms out it an attempt to slap his older brother. He failed. What he actually did was smack Yazoo's half full mug of delicious, warm, marshmallow-y, cocoa on to the floor. There was absolute silence for a moment.
"WHAT DA FUCK SHIT LICKIN' ASSHOWE DUMB ASS WHOWE OF A BIWD!"
They all froze in absolute horror. Even Loz was too stunned to cry.
"YOU BITCH CRYBABY PUSSY!"
"Well there goes that," Cloud mumbled. Reno gallantly sacrificed his own piping hot chocolate by dumping it all over Vincent's lap.
Vincent leapt into the air screaming loudly.
"MOTHERFUCKER! MY BALLS! MY BALLS!"
Yazoo cackled madly.
"He thinks it's funny! That little sadist thinks it's funny when people get hurt! That's why we couldn't curb his cursing!" Reeve realized as Vincent started stripping.
Shera looked like she was about to explode.
"Shera, it ain't what it seems like!"
"Shera, it's exactly what it seems like."
"Yo, you're a fucking kiss up traitor Tseng!"
"You have one working brain cell and an IQ of 5!"
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ANAL BASTARD?"
"WHAT YOU DULLARD?"
"The hell is a dullard?" Barret whispered.
"An insulting word for someone of diminished capacity; a dumb fuck," Rude quietly responded.
"A dumb fuck? Is that what it says in the dictionary?" Nanaki asked rhetorically. Rude shrugged.
"Enough you two! This is probably where Yazoo got all this swearing from!" Tifa shouted angrily.
"Nah yo! It wasn't us! We didn't swear around the kid!"
"For once this moron is actually being sensical. We haven't sweared around the children."
"The past of swear is sworn or swore." Cloud interrupted.
"Is it? That always sounds wrong to me."
"Yeah it's sworn or swore."
"Are you sure it's the same when talking about having used obscenities in the past? I know that's right for promises but..."
"No, no it's for both I googled it."
"Oh okay it must be right then."
Meanwhile, Vincent was in his boxer briefs spraying his lap with cold water from the sink.
'Did he scald your genitalia Vincent?'
'I can't deal with you right now Chaos.'
'It was just a question.'
"What about hanged and hung?"
"Are we really having a conversation about semantics when Yazoo thinks its okay to curse!" Tifa screeched.
"Wait a second, why did Yazoo call Loz a dumb ass whore of a bird?" Elena asked confusedly.
"What do you mean?" Tifa said with similar bemusement.
Shera, for her part, wasn't at all confused.
"CIDNEY MARIAM HIGHWIND!"
"Yes'm?" Cid asked in a butter-can't-melt-in-my-mouth voice.
"Don't play dumb Cidney!" She snapped, "You bet on the Chocobo races didn't you?"
"And when your Chocobo lost you started swearing?"
"And Yazoo was sitting right there?"
"You didn't even stay home to have quality time with your nephew did you?"
"That ain't true honey!"
"Cid, don't lie to me! You stayed home to watch those races! Didn't you? Didn't you?" There was a tense silence as everyone waited for his answer.
"Yes'm," Cid mumbled hanging his head.
"You probably told Yazoo every he time says a bad word someone has to hit Vincent."
"Yes'm, just about."
"And when the guys got home you got them involved in this mess."
Cid nodded meekly.
"Well I've changed the rules," Cid looked up nervously, "Every time Yazoo says a bad word someone has to hit you!"
"What? C'mon Shera two wrongs don't make no right!"
"In this case, it's close enough. Now all of you apologize to Vincent!"
"Sorry Vincent," All the guys answered in unison.
"I very much dislike all of you right now," Vincent answered stiffly.
"Did Reno scald your genitalia?" Vincent froze, feeling about a thousand years old.
'LEVEL UP! You know have ability to feel much older than you should because of your weirdo children.
'I don't know how that makes my child a weirdo considering you asked the exact same question first.' Chaos continued as if he hadn't spoken. (Which technically he hadn't, again semantics)
'Although you are about fifty so I'm not sure if this one counts. What say you, Death Gigas?'
'Well since he is physically twenty-seven, he should probably feel twenty-seven so I'd say it counts. But I guess you could easily make the opposite argument. You should ask Hellmasker.'
'Good idea, hey Hell-'
'No, no bad idea! Don't call Hellmasker! I can barely deal with the two of you.'
'Ahhh, what a spoilsport you are, Vinnie.'
'Don't call me Vinnie.'
"Well now that we got all that out of the way, about our retirement pensions..." Tseng started.
"We have retirement pensions?" Elena asked excitedly. Rufas groaned.
Vincent was smacking Reno with a phonebook, scolding, "You do not pour hot liquids on other men's private areas you idiot!" Everyone laughed at the scene.
Tifa smiled fondly. This was exactly how a family was supposed to be; dysfunctional.
A/N: Wowzers that took a hell of a long time to write. Uh sorry about that. *scratches back of head* I personally kind of enjoyed this chapter. In the next one a dear old "friend" will come back to mess with Vincent. They thought it was gone. They were wrong. Mwahhahahahahahah! R&R, C&C and I'll stop saying I'll update soon because it never happens.
P.S. Oh yeah, (1): I just like the word betwixt.