Author's Note: After re-reading MetalliKirk's Nothing Much Happening At All for about the tenth time today in Study Hall, I decided to write a somewhat similar crackfic…even though it's for a different series completely. Random crackfics inspire random crackfics, what else can I say?
Captain John Sheridan sighed, shuffling some papers around on his desk idly. Things had been abnormally dull around the fifth Babylon station as of late, and he was slowly beginning to go a trifle stir-crazy. Deciding that staying in his office would prove to make the day no more interesting, he resolved to roam about the station aimlessly. After all, what could possibly happen aboard Babylon 5 that hadn't happened already?
Upon passing the Narn ambassador G'Kar seated at a table, Sheridan was requested to join him for a drink and observe the passers-by tranquilly. He agreed, seeing as he had nothing better to do, and a waiter brought him some strange beverage in a bud vase. It tasted like green peppers and smelled faintly of garlic.
Suddenly, Adam Savage came running by, wearing a fedora, and told Security Chief Michael Garibaldi in a rather animated fashion that someone had stolen his Segway. No one knew who would have done such a thing, since Segways weren't exactly inconspicuous aboard a space station.
Vorlon ambassador Kosh ambled by, speaking in riddles and projecting multi-colored laser-beams from the eyehole in his encounter suit. A mob of Centauri teenagers instantly clustered within the range of the lights and started a rave right there in the middle of the room. Adam Savage joined in, dancing like a drunken platypus and throwing his fedora into the air.
Centauri ambassador Londo Mollari charged into the center of the action brandishing a large sword. He explained that there was a rather sizeable brown spider in his quarters, and he had no idea how to kill the blasted thing before it developed language skills. At that precise moment a giant spider skittered across the ceiling singing "Don't Worry Be Happy".
Lennier, assistant to Minbari ambassador Delenn, dashed around the room while being pursued by an incredibly persistent robot, which kept flailing its arms and insisted Lennier's true identity was Will Robinson. Apparently there was some sort of danger attached to this.
In the distance, Londo's assistant Vir drove by on a Segway.
A large, green-skinned, Boris Karloff-looking dude limped slowly and dramatically up to Sheridan and G'Kar's table. He then groaned, stole Sheridan's disgusting excuse for a beverage, chugged it, and chucked the bud vase at Adam Savage's head. It hit it with a loud crashing sound, and Adam screamed like a little girl. Jaime Hyneman materialized out of thin air and transformed into a rabid walrus, flopping furiously after the now retreating Frankenstein monster.
Marcus Cole strode into the room, only to be harassed by a congregation of wandering monks who kept calling him Jesus. They followed him diligently, inquiring as to what God was really like and if this was the Second Coming. He threatened to smite them if they didn't leave him the hell alone, and then they'd be able to ask God in person…if they were lucky.
Far off behind all this, Vir popped a wheelie on the stolen Segway.
Doctor Stephen Franklin appeared and began asking everyone frantically if they had seen a patient who had escaped from medlab while undergoing a procedure to cure him of Karloff's Disease. Adam Savage told him of the assault that Frankenstein had carried out on him and the two dashed off to find him before Rabid Walrus Jaime could do him too much harm. Garibaldi threw them a bucket of fish to lure Jaime away. Londo begged to be able to borrow Jaime to take care of his spider problem. As if on cue, the spider of unusual size skittered past again, this time reciting lines from Shakespeare's "Macbeth". Londo bemoaned the fact that it had learned language skills, and Willem Dafoe sprang out of a cart full of laundry to hand him a tissue.
Commander Susan Ivanova sat down between Sheridan and G'Kar, commenting on how dull the station was that day. Sheridan and G'Kar nodded in solemn agreement as a waiter gave Sheridan another drink, this one still smelling of garlic but tasting of onions and strawberries. Morden appeared in a puff of purple smoke and asked Ivanova "What do you want?" She hit him with a menorah, causing him to collapse to the ground, and sat back down. Random Security Dude Zack Allan walked by, not before kicking Morden's immobile frame in the side a couple dozen times.
Vir began to do donuts on the Segway, while singing a rather hyped-up version of "Comfortably Numb".
Just as Ivanova was about to comment on this, Garibaldi, Marcus, Zack, and Stephen all showed back up in flannel shirts and blue jeans with suspenders, and burst into an enthusiastic round of "The Lumberjack Song". The giant spider joined in, and Willem Dafoe did interpretive dance in front of them. Kosh lent them the services of his disco lights, and the rave migrated over to them as well.
Londo bolted back into the room and proceeded to make out with G'Kar, much to everyone's disgust but no one's surprise. Ivanova and Sheridan shrugged at each other, and continued drinking their strange-ass beverages; Ivanova's was even stranger than Sheridan's: brown and milky, and tasting like hash browns.
Mike Rowe materialized and took it upon himself to narrate everything that everyone was doing in a very deep, very loud, booming baritone singing voice. Frankenstein and Adam had apparently made peace, seeing as they traipsed on in and started doing a song-and-dance number to "Puttin' on the Ritz", angering the lumberjacks and Willem Dafoe. Walrus Jaime then saw Vir on Adam's Segway, and began to flop after him in hot pursuit. Panicking, Vir spun the Segway around and sped away. Adam summoned his pet robot unicorn, and he and Frankenstein followed the silent walrus to retrieve the Segway.
Londo and G'Kar continued to suck face, causing Willem Dafoe to vomit all over Kosh's encounter suit. The rave consequently dispersed, followed by most everyone else, except for Mike Rowe who was singing while cleaning it up, and Londo and G'Kar who were still sucking face. Sheridan and Ivanova decided to leave, since nothing interesting had occurred there at all anyway.
After Sheridan had dropped Ivanova off at her quarters, he felt a gust of air whoosh by him. He saw nothing, but he did hear what sounded vaguely like Lennier screaming and a mechanical voice badgering him:
"DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!"
Sheridan simply shook his head and made his way back to his own quarters.
What an uneventful day.