A Note Before You Begin:
This is the first installment of the Criminally Insane Series.
Do not read this story excepting profound characters. I wrote this story for the sake of humor. There is a plot (eventually) and romance (eventually), but this is a humor story. My characters may be stupid, vain, and crazy, and they may have some Mary-Sue tendencies. Laugh at them. You are supposed to laugh at them.
There are links to fanart and a fan video for this series on my profile page.
I love reviews. You can review the last chapter, you can review the chapters you liked best, you can review every single chapter. I love reviews. I operate under the philosophy of "the more the merrier" when it comes to reviews. So, please, let me know what you think.
Finally, read, review, and enjoy!
Chapter One: The Welcome Wagon
Rule Number One: Always listen to the Akatsuki – they no best after all. And even when they're completely wrong and think that waffles are a type of shuriken, remember: The Akatsuki Knows Best.
How to begin? Don't worry, we're going to answer your question. I'm just not sure where to start—Dessie? Hannah? Any ideas? No… I guess I should start thirteen years ago.
My name is Katharine Anne Marie Collins (AKA Kate) and I'm starting this story when I was twenty-years-old. Back then, most people described me as blond, skinny, and a walking disaster to myself… Actually, all of that is still true.
But, enough about me. I'll skip all the boring details of meeting Dessie and Hannah for the first time and becoming friends—I'll go straight to the part where I woke up in the Akatsuki hideout (this is the good stuff right here).
Out of the three of us (Dessie, Hannah, and me) I would have to say I had the nicest welcome. I woke up from a very pleasant dream involving cats to find myself lying in a nice, soft bed with a very warm… something beside me.
Now, just so you understand my very pure mind, I am a huggy person. The moment there is something soft and warm within arms reach, I am inclined to embrace it. So that's what I did, that lovely Saturday morning, I gave that "thing" a hug. Unfortunately for me, that "thing" did not like being hugged very much.
"What the hell is this?"
The "thing" started struggling in my gasp and pushed me right out of bed onto the very hard, very cold floor. I rolled over and groaned, massaging my back.
"What happened to the kitties?" I asked sleepily.
"Kisame, why is there a girl in your bed?"
"There isn't – wasn't – shouldn't be!"
"Hn… A young girl at that…"
"Don't judge me!"
I rubbed by eyes sleepily and look around the room. It was reasonably dark with faint rays of orange morning light drifting in through a small window to my right. The room was reasonably small, with two single beds on opposite sides of the room. In the bed to my left was a tall, muscular man, who, for some reason, made the Jaws theme song pop into my head. He had dark blue hair and gray skin, with gills underneath his white eyes. (This, I later found out was Kisame) On the other bed, was a smaller, younger man with black hair and blood-red eyes (Itachi). Kisame was gawping at me while Itachi looked rather calm.
"Who are you? What are you doing here? How did you…get into my bed?" cried Kisame, his eyes flashing dangerously.
Reality hit me right about then and I pulled my knees up to my chest and stared at Kisame in horror. "Are you going to eat me?"
They both stared at me.
"What?" asked Kisame. "Why would I eat you?"
"I don't taste that good, if that's what you're wondering!"
"Shut up and answer the question!" snapped Kisame. He leapt out of the bed and grabbed me by the throat, lifting me off the ground.
Let's just summarize the situation here: One moment, I was falling asleep in Hannah's living room after a night of movies and games. The next thing I know a creepy shark-faced man is trying to kill me and he's doing a pretty good job of it too.
I screamed and kicked and sobbed at all once – flinging a hellstorm of emotions in Kisame's face.
"Put her down, Kisame," said Itachi. "She can't answer any questions if you kill her."
Almost disappointed, Kisame put me down. I crumpled to the floor and sat there massaging my neck and sobbing. They stood there for a moment, looming over me, until my tears stopped and I just sat on the floor, staring up at them with wide eyes.
"Now," said Kisame. "You'll answer our questions."
"And if I don't?" I sniffled.
Well, that seemed like good logic to me, so I shut up and listened to them.
"First question," said Kisame, "Who are you?"
I took a deep breath before answering very quickly: "Katharine Anne Marie Collins, but you can call me Kate. Now please don't eat me!"
Itachi sighed. "We're not going to eat you."
"Where do you come from?" growled Kisame.
"Texas…Like, Texas, U.S.A.? Not ringing any bells?" I glanced at their two puzzled faces and decided that was not answer enough. "Earth? Milky Way? Any of this making sense or are you just geographically challenged?"
I shut up. Over my time with the Akatsuki I have learned the rules of dealing with them. Rule Number One: Always do what you're told. Bad things happen otherwise.
The two men turned their backs on me and had a quick, whispered conversation. I couldn't hear any of it. After a minute, they both turned back to me and said, "If you don't answer we will take you to Leader – he will get the truth out of you. Now, what is your purpose here?"
I considered this for a moment. "I don't know. I just woke up here."
"I was at a sleep-over at… Hannah's house – she's my childhood friend – and there were a thunderstorm… and that's all I remember. Next thing I know, I'm being rudely kicked out of bed onto the floor." I glared at Kisame, hoping he was getting the message. If he did, he decided to ignore it, because instead, he muttered something to his partner who nodded in agreement.
"You know," I squeaked. "It isn't nice to talk about people behind their backs – didn't you mothers teach you manners?"
They both turned to stare at me, very odd expressions plastered all over their faces.
However, it was Kisame who answered me. "My mother screwed around with a shark and Itachi killed his own parents – excuse them if they didn't have time to teach us proper manners."
And stared some more.
Then, I screamed.
The time was 6:12 a.m., I had gotten absolutely no sleep the night before (thanks, Dessie), and I was tied to a chair in the middle of a basement. Yep. That was a great morning.
What's that, Kate? Do I really have to introduce the nineteen-year-old me? Fine. My name is Hannah O'Reilly. I am usually described as tall, thin, and very, very pessimistic.
Anyway, enough of this shit, back to the situation of me being tied to a chair in a basement. You see, instead of waking up in a nice comfy bed like Kate, I woke up in the middle of a hallway with a large Blond Fur Ball tripping over me. Needless to say the Fur Ball was not happy. At least his mask-wearing partner managed to stop him from blowing me up. So, instead, the Fur Ball decided it was much more suitable to tie me up and leave me sitting in a chair while he 'interrogated' me.
"What's your name?"
"Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."
Deidara raised his fist, a ball of clay clutched in his hand. "Tell me or I'll blow your ass to hell and back. I–"
"Deidara-sempai! You can't kill the prisoner until after you have interrogated her!" cried Tobi.
Deidara seemed to fight with himself for a moment, but he eventually relaxed and turned to me with a malicious grin. "If you don't tell me, bitch, I won't kill you – but I'll put you through so much pain you'll wish you'd died, uhn!"
Well, I wasn't really interested in dying, so I told him. "Hannah."
Tobi clapped his hands cheerfully and cried, "Yay! We're all getting along so much better now!"
I stared at him, and then turned to Deidara. "Is this guy mentally retarded?"
"You have no idea, uhn."
"So," said Tobi, his one eyes visible through the mask crinkling with delight. "Where are you from?"
"Where?" asked Deidara, cluelessly.
"Er… Mars… You know, big red planet… out in space…"
They stared at me blankly. Deidara's face slowly growing redder and redder with rage. He was starting to play with his ball of clay again and (though I didn't know what it was at the time) I had an ominous feeling about that clay.
"I was kidding…" I explained.
"Don't mess with me, bitch," snarled Deidara. "Tell me seriously – or it's your ass on the line…"
"I'm from Texas."
"I said seriously, uhn."
"I am serious," I snapped.
"I have never heard of this Tex-ass! Don't lie to me, or–" Deidara released his ball of clay and a little bird fluttered through the air. I gazed at it for a moment, unable to stop myself from thinking it was kind of pretty. Then, Deidara raised two fingers and cried, "Katsu!"
The bird blew up.
Deidara turned to me with a devious grin and said, "Tell me the truth or that can be you in two seconds, uhn."
I swallowed. My throat was dry. Then, with all the strength I had left right then, I said, "But Tobi says you're not allowed to kill me."
"Bitch!" Deidara spun around and approached Tobi, waving yet another clay master piece in Tobi's face. "I may not be allowed to kill the prisoner, but no one is against me killing you!"
Tobi covered his face in his hands and screamed, "Tobi is a good boy!"
The time was 6:21 a.m., I got absolutely no sleep the night before, I was tied to a chair in a basement, and a giant Blond Fur Ball was chasing a creeper with a mask around the room with dangerous explosives. So, you can excuse me for saying this but: my – life – was – officially – hell!
Name: Desdemona Lee. Age: twenty years. Height: short. Hair: long and black and a giant mess. Eyes: blue. Personality: violent. Hobbies: violence and stalking hot guys. I hope you got all that because I'm not repeating it.
I would have to say that, out of the three of us, I received the least enjoyable welcome to the Akatsuki hideout. You see, when I woke up, I was lying in a bathtub with a blood-soaked corpse and a zombie standing over me with a scythe. Now, does that scream "Welcome Wagon" to you? (I hope not, because otherwise you are one seriously messed up person).
Well, when this zombie with a scythe (Hidan) saw me lying in the bathtub, he turned around and screamed over his shoulder. "Hey, Kakuzu – there's a live one in here!"
And then, much to my horror, a deep voice carries back to us, saying, "Not for long."
So, Hidan raises his scythe above his head and prepares to send it crashing down on my skull – sending me into a world of "Good-Bye Dessie and Hello Hell" (because there is no way I'm going to Heaven).
I flung my hands over my face and screamed, "I know your weak spot!"
Hidan freezes. And stares.
I stared up at him, vaguely aware that blood was seeping out from the dead body onto my clothes. "That's right! I know your weak spot! Don't you dare try and kill me – you'll regret it!"
"I don't have a fucking weak spot!" snapped Hidan, preparing to lob my head off.
So, I kicked him between the legs. And let me tell you, he has a weak spot.
Hidan collapsed to the ground, clutching his manly bits, and I leapt over his head and made a bee-line for the exit. Unfortunately Hidan's Torture Chamber is actually an adjoining bathroom to the bedroom he shares with his partner-in-crime, Kakuzu. So, I take two steps into the room and these black tentacles grab me around the ankle and lift me off the ground.
"Let me go!" I screamed over and over again, thrashing around.
A gray-brown face that distinctly reminded me of a mummy appeared, staring up at me curiously. Then, in a deep voice, Kakuzu said, "I've been dying to do that for a long time."
"It'd be a shame to kill you – I wonder if a whore house is buying…"
Then, Hidan comes wobbling out of the bathroom soaked from his silver hair to his bare feet in blood. He takes one look at me, dangling from Kakuzu's tentacle and cries, "I am going to slaughter you! Jashin-sama will give you eternal punishment in the afterlife!"
"Eh? Who the hell is Jashin-sama?" I screamed, still trying to free myself from Kakuzu's tentacles.
"Heathen!" exclaimed Hidan, jumping onto his bed. "She can't die yet, Kakuzu! She must be enlightened first!"
"I was going to sell her…" said Kakuzu.
"Death is the only suitable punishment for that heathen!" snapped Hidan. "Besides, I found her."
"But then she kicked you in the balls and ran away. Now she's mine. And I'm selling her."
"I'm killing her!"
Kakuzu's tentacles were too tightly fastened around my ankles and I gave up trying to free myself. Instead, I hung limply upside down and asked, resignedly, "Do I get a say in this?"
They ignored me.
"I have a solution," said Kakuzu. "How about I sell her. Then, after I get the money, you kill her. It's a win-win situation."
"SHUT UP! OR I WILL DECAPITATE YOU ALL WHERE YOU STAND!"
Kakuzu dropped me and I landed on the floor with a heavy crunch. I rolled over and stared at the door to the bedroom where a man with orange hair and more piercings than I could count stood. He glowered at us, his wild eyes murderous.
"Oh. Hey, Leader," said Hidan awkwardly.
"What are you doing at seven in the morning!?"
"We found a live one in Hidan's bathtub of victims," said Kakuzu. "And we were figuring out what to do with her."
"Don't give me that shit," said Leader. "I was having a nice dream!"
"Did it involve origami?" asked Hidan.
Leader threw a kunai and it buried itself in Hidan's chest.
Hidan inspected the kunai, and then pulled it out. "Jashin damn you, Leader. Quit trying to kill me."
"If I was trying to kill you, you'd be dead."
Leader glanced at me. "I'm going back to bed. Bring her to the meeting room in an hour – she'd better be whole and in one piece – or, Hidan, Kakuzu, I will kill you both."
Leader slammed the door behind him.
And thus, my life was spared – briefly.