Chapter Two: An Organized Meeting

Rule Number Two: Don't interrupt an Akatsuki member – they are mentally unstable and tend to get violent very quickly.


And now we return to my side of the story – because we all know my point of view is the best!

We left off with me sitting in Itachi and Kisame's room being interrogated. Now, let's just say that, after being locked in a room with them for half an hour, I can confirm that they fit their roles as criminally insane psychopaths really well. I still have nightmares of that day.

The torture/interrogation/madhouse came to an end with the arrival of Konan.

Oh dear sweet Konan of angel's decent! She will, and always shall be, my most favorite Akatsuki member! With her violet hair and origami flower, she is so pretty and lady-like – like a gentle sheet of paper blowing in the wind…

But, I digress. In the middle of my incredibly terrifying interrogation (I am sparing you the gory details), Konan opened the door and stepped in saying, "Leader is demanding a meeting of all members it seems he…" She caught sight of me sitting on the floor and stared. "Oh, you've found one too. Well then, bring her along to the meeting – and try not to kill her."

And with that, Konan left.

"Another one?" asked Kisame incredulously. "How many of these things must we put up with?"

I ignored him as a sloppy grin spread across my face. I was not going to die any time soon thanks to the beautiful and angelic Konan.

Itachi tied me up with rope and Kisame carried my through the Akatsuki hideout like a sack of potatoes slung over his shoulder – but I could care less. I was alive. They weren't allowed to kill me! Alive!

Kisame dropped me. I landed with a thud, my head slamming against the ground. I sat up shakily and found myself sitting in a ring of people dressed in black coats with red clouds. Next to me was an extremely pissed off Dessie.

"You're here too!" I cried. I tried to hug her, but my hands and feet were bound. So instead, I snuggled against her shoulder. "I missed you!"

"Yeah, yeah – I'm a very missable person."


She glanced around the ring of members, glaring – with particular hatred – at a silver-haired man holding a scythe. This was unusual. The man was, without a doubt, incredibly hot, and she should be drooling all over him right now. Her eyes, however, screamed murder and hatred. She wanted to kill the Hottie? What was the world coming to?

Then, Dessie's eyes landed upon the exceedingly gorgeous face of Uchiha Itachi – and the apocalypse was averted.

"Ah!" she cried, gawping at him.

Immediately, all the Akatsuki members turned to stare at Itachi.

"Hn?" he grunted, confusedly (I can translate Itachi grunts!).

"Hottie!" screamed Dessie, wriggling her way over to him. "Hottie! Hottie! Hottie! I want the Hottie! With all his heavenly features and deep, manly red eyes and look at that swagger! Ah! So hot!"

"What the hell?" exclaimed Kisame, trying to kick Dessie away from him and his partner.

Rather than be separated from her from her beloved eye-candy, Dessie bit Kisame in the foot.

"Ow! Crazy bitch!"

Kisame pulled his gigantic, spiked sword from his back and brought is crashing down towards Dessie's head. Hidan stood on the sidelines, cheering Kisame on and Itachi looked slightly relieved. However, before Kisame could decapitate Dessie, an orange-haired hooligan entered the room and everyone froze.

This hooligan was, in fact, Leader. With too many piercings to count and bright orange hair, Leader was probably the most normal member of the Akatsuki (which is of course why I think he is the perfect match for my angelic Konan).

Leader surveyed the scene before him and said, slowly, "Didn't I tell you all not to kill them."

Kisame lowered his sword and Hidan stopped cheering. Dessie inched back to her seat beside me. And then, a sullen voice spoke from behind Leader, "Dessie, try not to make the psychopaths angry – it's not a pretty ending."


Tall and slender with long brown hair and woeful brown eyes, Hannah emerged from behind Leader and regarded the two of us boredly. She too was tied up with two Akatsuki members escorting her – a blond guy who could have been a girl and some dude who was wearing an orange mask.

"Sit down," said Deidara, pushing her to the ground beside us.

Hannah said nothing in protest, but rather lay there without moving (playing possum most likely).

Then, the Akatsuki formed a circle around us and Leader commenced the meeting.

"So," he began. "We have interrogated the three intruders and they have given the same answers. Their names are Katharine Anne Marie Collins–"

"Kate," Dessie corrected.

Leader ignored me. "Hannah O'Reilly, and Desdemona Lee."

"Dessie," she corrected him a second time.

Leader twitched slightly with irritation, but he continued speaking. "Dessie and Kate are twenty years old and Hannah is nineteen. They claim to come from a place called…" He hesitated. "From Texas in the USA on Earth."

"You're all geographically challenged," I muttered.

And that is where Rule Number Two comes in. Never, ever interrupt and Akatsuki member – punishments include very scary threats, cruel and unusual torture, and death.

Kisame leapt forward and grabbed me by the neck (he's frightening like that) and snarled in my face, "Shut up! Don't you dare interrupt Leader or he'll kill us all! I'll bite your head off and give the rest of you to Hidan to sacrifice to his made-up god!"

I opened my mouth to reply and ended up choking.

Hidan punched Kisame in the face.

"Jashin-sama will punish you, heathen!" cried Hidan.

"Your god is a fake!"

Hidan raised his scythe. "Say that again, you over-grown sushi!"

"Shut up."

Leader glared at the two of them until they returned to their positions in the circle. I slumped back in my seat, thinking that I was safe, but then, Leader turned to regard me and said, in the slow, horrifying way of his, "Don't say another word or I will personally rip out you intestines."

I was silent.

And Leader continued.

"According to these girls, they were having a 'sleep over' at Hannah's house when there was a thunderstorm and the lights went out. Then, they all blacked out and woke up here – another highly unlikely story. However, they don't seem to know anything else and they do seem to believe their stories. So, now, that we've gotten everything we can out of them – the question is: what should we do with them – any suggestions?"

Hidan: Kill them.

Kisame: I second that motion!

Kakuzu: Can we sell them to a brothel?

At the sound of this, Dessie managed to kick off her shoe in the direction of Kakuzu and it hit him square in the forehead.

"Tobi likes that Hannah girl! Tobi thinks she's a good girl!"

"Can we eat them?"

All at once, we turned to stare at Zetsu. It was our first time meeting the strange plant man – trust me when I say that he is successfully the most frightening Akatsuki member to date (and we've met Orochimaru).

Konan considered all these suggestions and then, finally said, "I like the brothel idea. We can sell them and get some money – we are desperately in need of funds – whereas we won't get anything for killing them."

Leader could see the sense in this. "You just don't find well-funded criminal organizations these days. It used to be so easy. You could walk into the street and get a million dollars off of any old rich sucker." He sighed. "Where did the good years go?"

No one answered.

"Well," said Leader somewhat cheerfully. "Who's going to take them to the brothel?"

Silence. Then, Zetsu spoke up, "We will."

Leader regarded him for a second and said, "Er…no. You'll eat them on the journey. Um…anyone else?"

The members shifted awkwardly and kept their eyes downcast determined that Leader should not choose them for this mission. One member, however, raised his eyes determinedly and said, "I think that Kakuzu should do it – since he suggested the brothel in the first place."

"Itachi!" hissed Kakuzu irritably.

"I can see sense in that," said Leader. "Alright then. Kakuzu and Hidan will take them to the brothel. I can trust Kakuzu to get the best price for them and…er…Konan should go with them, so that no one dies on the trip."

"Oh joy…" muttered Hannah.

"Why do I have to go?" complained Hidan. "I don't want within five feet of those bitches."

"Who you calling a bitch, you Zombie Whore!" snapped Dessie.

Toni let out a fit of laughter. "Zombie Whore! Tobi likes Dessie too. Can Tobi keep Dessie and Hannah?"


"As pets?"


"Oh…" Tobi looked positively heart broken. I might have come to like him at this point, only… he wanted to keep everyone except me.

Leader sighed and turned to answer Hidan's question. "You're Kakuzu's partner. Where he goes, you go."

"Partner?" asked Dessie gleefully. "Zombie Whore and Doctor Octopus are bed-buddies? No wonder they share a room…" She raised her eye-brows in Hidan's direction and added in an undertone to Kakuzu, "I don't really approve of your tastes."

"Shut up, bitch!" snarled Hidan.

Hannah groaned. "We're going to die!"

Deidara cackled gleefully. "Zombie Whore versus Violent Stalker Chick – who will win? Any bets?"

"Fifty on Violent Stalker Chick," said Kakuzu.

"The same on Zombie Whore," said Kisame.

Kakuzu grinned. "It'll be my win – she nailed him in the sensitive areas earlier."

Luckily for us, Itachi and Zetsu restrained the two fighters and a peace of sorts filled the meeting room. Dessie sat down beside Hannah and me and sighed.

"You know," she said thoughtfully. "I always knew I'd die young – but I'd always imagined it be stalking a hot who happened to own a gun and accidentally shot me after mistaking me for a murderer – not landing in some psycho group's hideout and getting into too many fights with a whorish zombie…"

"Yeah..." muttered Hannah, "Because there's such a big difference in those deaths."

"Shut up!" snapped Leader. "Kakuzu, Hidan, Konan – get moving! It's seven in the morning and I am tired. If I have to settle one more fight before I get some serious sleep, someone is going to die."

And so, our bindings were shifted so that we could walk freely and only our hands were tied. Then, the six of us set out from the Akatsuki hideout in search of a brothel that would pay highly for three beautiful young ladies such as ourselves (Kakuzu figured this would be a difficult task and would take multiple days – maybe Dessie was right about him having bad taste).