Summary of Events: The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia. After destroying the power source and having the Wargonians surrender, Dessie, Deidara, Gai, Sakura, and Suigetsu wait by the blue orb in the Fence waiting for Suna and Konoha to arrive.
Chapter Eighty-Eight: A Sappy Reunion
Rule Number Eighty-Eight: The Akatsuki allies itself with no one
Wargonians without the power of their blue orb are pathetic. I will say this now to get all the confusion out of the way. The moment we destroyed it, they surrendered and were willing to do anything we say – I am ashamed to say I once worshipped the same god as them. Of course, now, I am converted – I have seen the light.
"They've had their youth drained out of them," said Gai, glancing at the blue orb pitifully.
"If I have to listen to you say one more word about youth I am going to slice you up into tiny little pieces and serve you as sushi," snapped Suigetsu.
"I see you're missing your youthfulness too," observed Gai.
"Boys," said Sakura, trying to stop Suigetsu from decapitating Gai. "Calm down. It's over. Relax."
"Apparently you don't appreciate violence as much as the rest of us," I observed.
The five of us – Gai, Suigetsu, Sakura, Deidara, and me – all stood near the blue orb where the Akatsuki hideout used to stand (Deidara blew it up at one point). The Wargonians who had been there had been sent back to their own world and now we guarded the blue orb until Konoha and Suna arrived with their own Wargonian captives.
"This is boring, uhn," said Deidara.
"How long until Suna and Konoha get here?" asked Suigetsu. "Team Hebi has bigger matters to attend to now."
"Thank god," snapped Sakura. "I'm sick of listening to your complaining."
"Oh yeah," I said. "Because your bitching is so much better."
"Do we get to watch another catfight?" asked Suigetsu. "I always love it when you two bitch slap each other to death. I swear, I could watch you two argue for all eternity."
At this, Sakura and I turned around and bitch slapped Suigetsu.
"I'm glad we entertain you so much," I said as Suigetsu rubbed his cheek irritably.
"Look who's coming, uhn."
We turned to see the blob of soldiers marching on the horizon. At this distance, we couldn't see who was approaching, but Deidara made one of his gigantic clay birds and I hopped on the back. The bird flapped its wings and took off, bringing us closer to the masses of people. As we drew closer, we recognized the unmistakable Suna clothing – and, amongst them, four Akatsuki cloaks and Hannah.
"Hannah!" I cried, waving excitedly.
Deidara immediately tensed and dipped the bird down towards the ground. It landed smoothly and we hopped off to greet our friends.
"Hannah!" I cried yet again, flinging my arms around her neck. "I missed you!"
Before she could reply, I released her and turned to give Itachi a gigantic hug and a kiss on the lips (a special greeting reserved only for Hotties). "I missed you Hottie!" I wailed. "I missed my prized piece of eye-candy on the mission… Deidara and Suigetsu… They can only satisfy for so long…"
I didn't have time to dodge as Tobi hug-tackled me to the ground, practically suffocating me in his iron grip. He giggled gleefully and said, over and over again, "Tobi is cool now! Tobi is cool now!"
"Great… Tobi…" I muttered. "You're still alive…"
"So are you, Dessie-Nunu!"
Deidara snorted. "Of course Dessie's alive. She's can't die, can she."
"Excuse me?" said Hannah. "I've known Dessie most of my life and I'm pretty sure she can die…" She turned to me and said, "You can die, can't you?"
"Huh?" I laughed. "Oh yeah… I'm an immortal Jashinist now."
Zetsu: So we can eat you and you'll still live?
Tobi: Dessie-Nunu converted! Dessie-Nunu is a bad, bad girl!
Kakuzu: Great… another annoying-as-shit Jashinist who won't die.
I laughed and spread my arms wide as if to embrace someone. "Isn't it great? I got stabbed so many times while in Wargonians and you should have seen their faces when I got up and killed them. They were all 'what the fuck?' and I just laughed – skill, people, that is skill."
Kakuzu slapped his forehead and sighed. "I did not see this coming…"
"We really should have," said Hannah. "I mean, at least this way we don't have to pay for two priests when Dessie and Hidan get drunk and Kisame forces them to marry."
At this, Kakuzu perked up. "Well that'll save a lot."
"Is money all you think about?" I asked. "I'm an immortal. I cannot die – and all you care about is money!"
"Don't worry, Dessie-Nunu," said Tobi, patting me on the head. "Tobi loves Dessie-Nunu even if she's different."
"Get off me," I said, pushing Tobi away. "Oh dear Jashin… How am I going to live up to telling Hidan that he actually saved my life… Crap, I'm screwed. He's never going to let me forget this."
"No, he's not," Kakuzu reassured me.
"That's reminds me…" said Hannah. "How did you become immortal…? It's not like you know the ritual…"
"Hidan told her," said Itachi. "When we were leaving Suna."
"Then?" asked Hannah incredulously. "Hidan had the ability to think ahead and realize that they might end up separated and Dessie might die…"
"It's a miracle!" cried Deidara. "The apocalypse is coming!" And he promptly sprinted over to cowered behind Hannah. "We can use Tobi as a meat shield," he added.
Hannah rolled her eyes, but before she could reply, Zetsu dove at Deidara and tried to gnaw Deidara's leg off. Deidara let out an extremely girly shriek and sprinted away towards his clay bird while Zetsu chased after him. We watched amusedly for a while as Deidara tried to trick Zetsu into eating a clay Deidara clone and Zetsu tried to disappear in the ground, and come up right underneath Deidara, munching at the blond fur ball's legs.
"Ah," said Kakuzu. "I missed watching Deidara suffer,"
"Ten bucks on Zetsu," I said.
Deidara sprinted past us, and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Dessie, you traitor! After all we've been through together!"
"Hey!" I shouted after him. "You can't bet against a cannibal plant!"
"I see you haven't changed."
I turned around to see, out of the masses of Suna shinobi and Wargonians walking towards the blue orb, came the figure of Sasuke Uchiha.
"Mini-Hottie!" I screamed, and gave him a quick smack on the lips.
"You know," said Hannah thoughtfully. "That greeting isn't reserved only for you. Dessie just kissed Itachi with that same mouth…"
Sasuke looked revolted and wiped off his mouth with his sleeve. "I think I might vomit…"
"If you vomit on any Akatsuki robes, you have to pay for the damages," said Kakuzu. "Dry cleaners are so frigging expensive these days."
I let out a shriek of laughter and gave Kakuzu a big-bear hug (of course, I quickly let go before he could grow to fond of the idea of murdering me). "I missed you so much! Did I tell you that Deidara and I thought of you while we were in Wargonia?"
Deidara groaned. "Don't tell him that…"
"Tell me what?" asked Kakuzu suspiciously.
"We were in the sewers of Wargonia," explained Deidara. "And we were afraid we wouldn't be able to get the smell out my Akatsuki robes… And you wouldn't like to buy me a new set…"
"We thought you might tentacle rape us!" I screamed.
Hannah slapped her forehead and sighed. "Good-bye Dessie…"
Kakuzu had a vein popping in his forehead. "Me rape you with my tentacles…?" He was practically trembling with blind rage. "First, you should know I have far better standards in my rape victims and secondly, YOU BITCH I WILL MURDER YOU!"
I let out a yelp and turned on my heels and Kakuzu let loose the masses on tentacles. I tried to get away, but they caught me by the wrist and dragged me backwards towards the looming black mass behind me. I screamed and thrashed about, half laughing with joy and half howling in terror – it was hard to tell which at times.
A psychotic laugh echoed through the forest and, before I knew what was happening, a figure dressed in red and black went flying over my head and brought his red scythe slashing down on the tentacles that bound me. The tentacles were cut in two and Kakuzu immediately released me.
I brushed them off of me and sat up, rolling over to see who my savior was.
"Hell, yeah," said Hidan. "I think I get a prize for the most heroic reunion moment ever."
"You're as idiotic as ever," observed Leader.
I got to my feet and brush dirt off of my clothes.
"Aw come on, shithead," said Hidan. "You have to admit that whole flying through the air to save the damsel in distress thing was pretty cool."
"I don't have to admit any such thing."
"You know you–"
I kicked Hidan between the legs.
His eyes practically bulged out of his head as he sunk to his knees and hissed, "Dessie… why… I saved you… From… Kakuzu…"
"Die, you shithead!" I screamed, kicking Hidan in the side with every syllable. "Die! Die! Die!"
Kisame 'kindly' dragged me away from Hidan, restraining me before I could kick him any more. While I screamed continuous curses at him, Hidan rolled on the ground, groaning and clutching his manly bits. "What was that for…?"
"You asshole!" I yelled, still struggling against Kisame. "How dare you save my life like that!"
[The author would like to insert yet another moment of silence here]
Hidan – completely forgetting his former pain – leapt to his feet and pointed at me excitedly. "Success! Success! I saved your life! Admit it! I saved your life! And you…" He cackled evilly. "Jashin shall triumph over all! Jashin is the one true god! Face immortality, shitheads!"
Kisame dropped me to the ground. "Wait a second… Dessie is… a Jashinist now…"
I got to my feet and, in the middle of Hidan's celebrating, kicked him between the legs again. He gasped and sunk to the ground in agony.
"Ah, I missed the good old days," said Deidara. "Where we get to watch Hidan suffer endlessly, uhn."
Kakuzu nodded in agreement. "There's just no good quality ass-kicking now a days… Thankfully, Dessie relieves us of these horrors with her beautiful displays of how the female gender overcomes the male gender."
Kate giggled and, when everyone turned to stare at her, her face turned bright red.
At the sight of her, I laugh and flung my arms around her neck in a warm hug. "I missed you, Katie! You skipped all the action in Wargonia!"
She smiled and hugged me back. "I got plenty of action in Konoha."
I released Kate and stepped away to look from her to Kisame and back to her before saying, "Whoa… I didn't know your relationship was advanced that far. Nice Kate – the rest of the world is war torn and you're getting it on with your boyfriend. I see how it is."
Kate's face turned bright red and she covered her eyes in embarrassment. Kisame, on the other hand, grinned broadly and laughed. "You know it, Dessie. We're all about love here in the Akatsuki."
Leader and Kakuzu sighed. "What did I tell you about being couplish, Kisame?"
Kisame cowered behind Kate. "Look at this face – can you deny this face?"
"Yes," said Leader and Kakuzu bluntly.
Sighing, Kisame stood upright and gave Kate a warm hug, muttering something about "Total losses."
I folded my arms and turned to survey Leader, Konan, Kisame, and Kate suspiciously. "So why were not of you really surprised to find out I'm an immortal Jashinist now?"
"I was surprised," said Kisame. "Even dropped you when I found out."
"Yes…" I said slowly. "But there was no insane screaming and looks of absolute horror or complaints of having two Jashinist around…"
"Well…" said Konan. "Admittedly, Hidan told us about the whole… you know… telling you the secret to Jashinist immortality…"
"Ah." I turned around and gazed down at Hidan, who was still rolling around on the ground. "I would kick you, but just looking at you makes me feel pathetic and slimy all over."
"Awww," said Kisame. "You two should just hurry up and get married."
I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Why do we have to hurry up and get married? We're both immortal Jashinists now – we have eternity to get married." I tipped my head back and let out a mad laugh while the rest of the Akatsuki stared.
"She's finally lost it," said Hannah."
"Absolutely crazy," agreed Deidara. "Uhn."
There was the sound of footsteps and we all turned to see Tsunade and Gaara approaching front the direction of the blue orb. Leader stepped forward to greet them, clearly determined not to let the rest of us talk. The Hokage and Kazekage greeted Leader civilly before stepping back to surveyed the Akatsuki grimly.
"Well," said Tsunade. "All the Wargonians have been taken care of. All that's left is to destroy the orb."
"I can do that," said Deidara. He started walking towards his clay bird.
I slid over to Hannah and elbowed her in the ribs. "You should go with him. You know, to make sure that he doesn't blow anyone else up in the process. You know… Deidara and his art…"
Hannah scowled at me and I sighed. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her alone the ground. "Deidara! Wait up! Hannah's coming with you!"
As I practically picked Hannah up and placed her on the back of Deidara's bird, she shot me angry death glares. However, she remained standing behind him as the bird flapped its wings and took off in the direction of the blue orb. After them, I shouted, "Deidara! I was always rooting for you!" And then, I turned around and walked back to the Akatsuki.
"Well," said Kisame, draping an arm around my shoulders. "You know, Dessie, you'd make a great Love Guru…"
"Don't touch me, Fish Fry." I walked past Kisame to stand beside Zetsu and I patted him awkwardly on the Venus flytrap. "Don't worry; I was always rooting for you."
Kakuzu groaned while Tobi giggled excitedly and tried to give me a hug. I stepped out of the way in time for Tobi to fall flat on his face (ah, that will never cease to amuse me).
"So," said Tsunade as we watched Deidara's bird fly closer to the blue orb. "Thank you for your help."
"Technically it should be the other way around," pointed out Kate. "We were the ones who asked for help."
"Shush," said Konan. "The Akatsuki never admits asking for help."
Tsunade smiled and, in the distance behind us, there was an explosion as Deidara dropped his explosives. Then, the bird circled around the flames and we distinctly heard a blond fur ball scream, "Art is a bang, uhn!" The bird circled around and returned, touching back to the ground near the rest of the Akatsuki. Deidara hopped off, laughing psychotically, while Hannah slid down the birds back after him, scowling.
"Crazy, psychopathic pyromaniac," she said, crossing her arms angrily.
"It wasn't that bad, uhn," said Deidara. "You know you liked it."
Zetsu hissed and Hannah moved over to go stand beside him.
"Anyways," said Tsunade loudly. "I have something to ask you."
"Yes," said Leader, deliberately turning away from Hannah and Deidara. "What do you want?"
"The Kazekage and I would like to know what will happen now that the war is over."
Tsunade and Gaara stood firmly, staring at the Akatsuki. We all exchanged confused glances before Hidan turned to Tsunade and voiced what we all were thinking: "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Tsunade sighed. "We wanted to know if the Akatsuki was now going to ally itself with Suna and Konoha."
And then we all laughed.
I mean, it was pure madness. Kisame actually fells to his knees with trembling laughter and slammed his fist into the ground, unable to hold his mirth in. Deidara had doubled over clutching his side, and Hidan had to use his staff as a prop to keep himself upright. Even Itachi managed a smile and Leader let out a burst of snicker every few seconds while Konan giggled gleefully at the idea. Tobi was rolling around on the ground in joyful abandon as Kakuzu laughed so hard that he probably wore out four of his five hearts. Kate was shrieking with laughter while Hannah and Zetsu leaned on each other, neither one able to stand upright with laughter. And me, I laughed hard that my sides were practically splitting open. It was a mad laugh fest.
Finally, between fits of snickers, Leader managed to regain himself enough to say, Rule Number Eighty-Eight: "The Akatsuki allies itself with no one."
And with that, still trembling with laughter, the Akatsuki walked away. But before we could get to far, Leader looked over his shoulder at the Hokage and Kazekage and the flames of Deidara's explosion rising up into the sky. Leader smiled and said, "By the way, when the blue orb exploded the jutsu ended – you can try to kill us now."
Hidan and I let out a bark of laughter and turned to grin at Tsunade and Gaara.
"We'd like to see you try, shitheads!"