Disclaimer: I don't own the A-Team, the How to Write Badly Well blog, or Star Trek. Yes, we return to the final frontier today—but maybe not the one you'd expect!


Rule XXXVIII: Crossovers are fun to do, because you have so many more people to sideline to make your OCs more awesome! Make sure to label your story a crossover, but don't actually get more than one world involved until, say, the fifth chapter at the soonest. Previously, I mentioned not needing to know a fandom before writing it. That definitely applies here—after all, it wouldn't change the way you wrote if you'd seen every episode/the movie twenty times! As before, don't waste time on the "why" or the "how," or even continuity issues, like introducing a character in an episode seasons before their arrival.

The A-Team Van drove down a dark, gravel road. Everybody had stopped talking, and some of them were asleep. Then a blue, pulsing portal opened up in front of the Van, and before B.A. could stop, they'd driven right through it.

Then they were driving in a tunnel only just big enough for them. Everyone was awake and asking questions, and B.A. yelled for them to shut up and let him drive. Then something hit the side of the Van, nearly tipping it over.

"What was that?" Joey screamed.

"I dunno, but if it scratched my paint…" B.A. began. Then it hit them again, and the Van's side mirror snapped off on a boulder. B.A. screeched the Van to a halt.

"What are you doing?" Face protested.

"Nobody," B.A. began, and revved the engine, "Nobody breaks one o' my mirrors and gets away with it."

"Um, Dad?" Leanne said from the shotgun seat. She was staring out the window. "It's a giant snake thing."

"What?" Everyone exclaimed at once. The creature rammed the back of the Van, smashing open a window, and everyone got a glimpse of a massive jaw full of sharp teeth. Screaming ensued, and Rachel and Alexa dove for their guns.

The creature got its teeth into the door, and began trying to rip it off. Joey's sleeve got caught on the handle, and he was nearly dragged out. Face grabbed him and threw him to the front of the Van, and Leanne punched the creature right in the face. It snorted and drew back, but just for a second.

Then it charged again, biting through the metal of the door like it was made of cardboard. Rachel, Alexa, Amy and Hannibal opened fire on it, and it screamed as the bullets tore into its grayish hide. It snapped at them, and a chunk of metal from the door struck Amy in the head. She crumpled.

Rachel twisted around, and emptied her pistol into the creature's throat as it snapped at her. Its jaws closed down on her arm, and she screamed, Alexa dragging her arm free as the monster howled. It thrashed around in its death throes, knocking the Van around some more.

Rachel's vision began to go blurry. She looked down at her torn, bleeding arm, and tried to block out the pain. She could hear strangers shouting, and as she was picked up, she fainted.


Rule XXXIX: Now that you have a whole new fandom, you have two options. One: have all of the new canon characters react to whatever your OCs do, obeying their orders with only "but that's crazy! It'll never work!" Two: Then introduce a whole new set of OCs from the new world, siblings or children, and have all of the canon characters stand around, gaping with awe, as they team up to save the day. Because heaven forbid you allow canon characters to do anything remotely awesome of their own volition! Don't forget to bash people you dislike!

Rachel was back in the white place again, with Q pacing back and forth in front of her. He was muttering darkly.

"Um, hello again, Mr. Q," Rachel said. He started, and looked over at her.

"Oh, it's you. Wonderful. No, you're not dead again—but you very well could be! Shooting a Hanonian land eel in the throat, what kind of a brilliant move is that? You could still lose the arm from infection!"

"What happened?" Rachel asked.

Q sighed in exasperation. "Q caught me cheating. This is his penalty move—sending you all into the Delta Quadrant. Now please go away." He snapped his fingers before Rachel could reply.

Rachel woke up with a start. She was lying on a blanket on the grass, with her arm bandaged and in a sling. It was nighttime, and she could feel heat from a campfire off to the side. Carefully, she began to sit up.

Then she heard a strange man's voice, and saw a silhouette loom up over her. Instinctively, Rachel punched the stranger in the face, and he fell back with a muffled yell.

"Rachel!" That was her mom's voice. She pushed Rachel back down gently. "You need to rest, sweetheart."

"What happened?" Rachel asked, looking past Alexa. The rest of the A and B-Teams were by the fire, along with several strangers. Now that she was paying attention, Rachel noticed other fires nearby. There were a lot of people here, and they were wearing weird uniforms. The stranger was a human who looked a bit like a warthog, and he was clutching his bleeding nose.

"What was that for?" He cried.

"Sorry," Rachel said. "I thought you were attacking me." He humphed and staggered away. Rachel turned back to her mother. "Remember that Q guy?"

"Q?" A strange woman said. She hurried to Rachel's side, and knelt down. Her uniform had red shoulders, and she had long brown hair and a slightly gravelly voice. She was accompanied by a dark-haired man with a tattoo on the left side of his face.

"You've been talking to a Q?" He asked.

"Yeah," Rachel said, and explained the entire story. "What's the Delta Quadrant, and who are you?" Rachel asked at last.

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the USS Voyager, this is my first officer Chakotay," the woman replied. "At least, we were, up until the Kazon took over. The Delta Quadrant is the section of the galaxy we happen to be in."

"Wait…galaxy?" Rachel asked. Alexa smiled.

"While you were out, they explained everything to us. Honey, we've jumped into the twenty-fourth century, and we're thousands of light years away from Earth. This," she gestured to the campfires, "Is the crew of the spaceship Voyager, and they've all been marooned on this planet by aliens."

Rachel lay back on her bed, and shut her eyes. Now, she realized that she kind of missed Decker. She heard the rest of the B-Team gather around her, and sat up carefully. Amy had a bandage around her head, and everyone else looked banged-up.

"Okay, so, we should probably get the spaceship back," Rachel said. Amy snorted.

"That would be lovely, but we can't, because they've already left!" She said. Rachel turned to Janeway.

"Was anyone left on the ship?" She asked.

"Just the Emergency Medical Hologram, and a crewman who went insane," Janeway said. "And I think my younger sister Penny stowed away—but they've probably captured her by now."

"Can we contact them?" Rachel asked. Chakotay shook his head.

"They left us with nothing," he said.

"But we have the Van," Leanne said. Rachel looked the way she was looking, and saw the Van parked in the bushes. It looked seriously battered, but in one piece. She began to grin.


Penny Janeway was in a Jeffries tube, breathing as lightly as she could. She tucked her bobbed brown hair over her ear, and tapped her combadge.

"T'Kira, have anything?" She whispered. Tuvok's sister was in Engineering, trying to get an override. She'd used a Vulcan Nerve Pinch on the Kazon there.

"Negative. Wait…I'm picking up a signal from the planet," she hissed. "It appears to be the ancient Earth signal pattern labeled Morse code."

"Look out, Penny, guards coming your way," Tim Chakotay interrupted. Jenny ducked into an alcove, but she was too late. The two Kazon spotted her and ran inside. Fortunately, Jenny had six black belts in Tae Kwon Do, and she made quick work of them.

"What was that message you mentioned?" Penny asked.

"It's instructions from the crew. They say we need to fake a Borg attack. I've started writing the holo-simulation now, and I think I can tap into the viewscreens to input it. I'll need you to plant some charges, so we get a few 'hits.'"

Penny grinned. "Sounds great. Let's go!"


The Kazon commander (A/N:I probiblie couldn't spell his name n I don't want to look it uplol ;)) was startled to see a Borg Cube materialize on Voyager's viewscreen. He shouted for his crew to begin evasive maneuvers, but the Cube fired. The ship rocked with the impact.

"Retreat! We'll skirt the planet—maybe the Borg will stop to assimilate those Starfleet officers," the commander ordered. Voyager swung around and flew back to the planet.

Penny crawled out into the transporter room, where Tim was working at the controls. He turned around—Penny liked his tattoo, it really brought out the black in his eyes—and gave her a thumbs-up.

"All set to beam a landing party aboard. You've got the phasers?" Penny held up the belts, each with a set of phasers strapped to it, and Tim grinned. "Locking on now."

Twelve people—B.A., Hannibal, Murdock, Face, Alexa, Janeway, Tom Paris, Chakotay, B'Elanna Torres, Rachel, Leanne and Harry materialized on the transporters. The A and B-Teams had their machine guns, and Penny quickly tossed the Voyager crew their phasers.

The Kazon commander was taken completely by surprise, as shots rang out all through the bridge. Within minutes, the entire Kazon crew had surrendered, and they were hauled off to the brig.

As Janeway sat down in the captain's chair, Q appeared. He was in a red Starfleet uniform, and looked thoroughly pleased.

"Well done, everyone!" He said. "Q has accepted my victory, and now we're going to clean up our mess." He snapped his fingers before anyone could speak.

The A and B-Teams were back in the Van, all whole again and driving down the same road. B.A. stopped the car, and everyone just stared at each other for a long, long time.

"That was strangely awesome," Joey said.

"You know, I think I could really like space," Face said. "Too bad it's so far in the future."

"Let's just go home," Alexa said.

"You said it," B.A. said, and started the engine again.


A/N: Welcome, to the idiocy that is Voyager—as written by someone who only knows what sfdebris has reviewed. I felt it would ring truer if I used a fandom I genuinely didn't know well.

There is one large portion of fanfiction, especially A-Team fanfiction that I have been ignoring: bad slash. Thing is, in order to address it, I'd have to write a sample of slash, and that would be more torturous than the Sappy!Murdock, the Caring!Hannibal, the attempted rape and torture scenes combined. Besides, I know my younger siblings are reading this fic, and I really don't want to introduce them to slash. So…sorry, no can do.

Update, June 18th, 2012: there is one more rule I've added, which you'll find on the Reviews page. Other than that, I think I'm done, unless I decide to revise this thing and try and make it worse.