WARNING: This is an insanely fluffy crackfic, or an insanely crackily fluff-fic. You have been warned. If this isn't what you signed up for but you clicked on this anyway, don't come crying to me!
I just get the urge to write profound silliness now and then (you should check my FF archive) and this idea hit me so I must appease the crazy muse. So, er, enjoy! Oh, and thanks much to everyone who read/reviewed my earlier Tangled fics. :) I don't know how long I'll keep writing for Tangled - it's tougher to stay inspired for movies because you don't get fresh canon every week, unlike tv shows - but it's nice to know someone's reading.
The Greatest Thief in the Kingdom
Eugene Fitzherbert stealthily peered from behind the door of his bedchamber. No sign of the intruder yet; however, Eugene's intel had very firmly informed him that this was the time of day during which the thief usually struck, so he kept waiting.
Eugene gritted his teeth. He still couldn't believe it. Here he was, the greatest and best thief the kingdom had ever known. He had rightfully earned that title long before he stole the lost princess's crown and then stolen the lost princess's heart.
And yet, one day several weeks ago, Eugene noticed that someone had dared to out-thieve him. Him! The greatest (most handsome, best-nosed, most beautiful-haired) thief (well, ex-thief now but still) in the kingdom! The outrage! The humiliation, the nerve! Some sneaky thief had been stealing one of Eugene's most prized possessions and Eugene was determined to catch the thief in the act this time, not only to save said possession, but also to restore his soon-to-be-damaged reputation as the best thief in the kingdom.
Eugene scowled. The scoundrel! How dare he! How dare anyone think they could get away with this? How dare anyone have the audacity to top the once-notorious Flynn Rider himself?
So lost was he in his thoughts, Eugene didn't even notice the door to the royal bathchamber opening slowly, much less the nimble figure, covered head-to-toe in black, slip inside. Not till-
The deafening noise of something falling to the marble floor of the bathroom brought Eugene swiftly back to reality and he dashed into the bathroom to speedily catch the culprit red-handed.
"AHA! Now, I've caught you, you rogue! Come out and show yourself!" Running into the bathroom at full speed, Eugene grabbed the perp around the waist and with all his might, tackled him to the ground, ripping the black mask covering the man's mask off him.
At least, he'd thought it was a him.
"RAPUNZEL?" Eugene's jaw dropped open straight down as he recognized the form he'd tackled, the audaciously daring thief, his very own lovely wife, the once lost princess of Corona.
Both of them still laying on the bathroom floor, Rapunzel grinned guiltily at him as she shifted to make herself more comfortable. "Hi, sweetheart."
"You - you -," Eugene sputtered. "You're the one who's been stealing my shampoo from the bathroom every week?"
"Um, yeah," continued Rapunzel sheepishly, gazing at him adorably with those beautiful huge green eyes of hers. "Sorry, Eugene, but you know I'm new at this brunette thing and your shampoo works so much better than mine does." Now she was making puppy dog eyes at him.
Oh crap, she'd out-thieved him and now she was using her wonderfully womanly wifey wiles on him to get away with her dastardly crime.
"You've - you're - how did you -"
"Well, I ran out of shampoo a few weeks ago and I didn't feel like calling the bathchamber maid to get me some more so I just took some out of your bottle." Rapunzel shrugged. "And it made my hair so much softer and kept the new brown color in so much nicer, I had to keep using it! I mean, it's no wonder your hair is so much shinier than mine." Rapunzel smiled coquettishly at her husband as she reached up to his head and wrapped one of his beautiful brown locks of hair around her fingers.
Eugene's mouth still hung open, not knowing what to say. "I thought it was one of the butlers! I was going to catch him in the act just now!"
Rapunzel started giggling. She was giggling so hard, she couldn't stop. "The...butlers...ha!" She was gasping with laughter now.
Eugene looked at his wife with mock anger. "Do you have any idea what you've been doing to my reputation as the kingdom's greatest thief ever?" At Rapunzel's giggling increased, Eugene grinned devilishly. "And do you have any idea what the punishment is for stealing his royal highness's most prized shampoo?"
Rapunzel suddenly stopped giggling, a oh-dear expression forming on her face.
"THIS!" And the giggles started all over again as Eugene launched a tickling attack on the newly-discovered, second-best thief in the kingdom.
(Meanwhile, a few palace doors down...)
King Edward frowned at his wife. "My dear, do you hear someone laughing?"
Queen Anne looked up for a second, recognizing the sounds, then put her head back down to her work, smiling. "It sounds like Eugene finally caught Rapunzel stealing his shampoo," she said casually, going back to her embroidery.
"Um...what?" The King looked at his wife blankly.
"Rapunzel has been stealing Eugene's shampoo for the last few weeks, dear. She says it's the reason Eugene's hair always looks so much better than hers." Queen Anne shot her husband a very distinctive look of "duh."
The King didn't know whether to laugh or be disturbed at this most peculiar turn of events. "Um...and why doesn't she just ask her chambermaid to bring her her own bottle of that shampoo?"
The queen sighed. Men could be such idiots. Especially when they became husbands. "Because she's married to Eugene now and that's what women do. Sneak into their husbands' toiletries. Besides, where's the fun in that?" The queen smiled craftily at her husband.
"Er..." Maybe he was better off dropping the conversation altogether, thought the King.
He'd gone back to what he was doing when suddenly, a thought occurred to him. He frowned at Anne. "By the way, Anne, on that note, you don't know what happened to the new shaving glass I bought last week, do you?"
The Queen suddenly became very immersed in her embroidery. "Er, no, Ed, not at all."
"Oh. Okay, must have just misplaced it somewhere then." The King shrugged.
The Queen discreetly lifted her skirt and admired her smooth, close-shaven legs. Rapunzel had been right - the shaving glass was just perfect for the job.
Writer's note: So, er, you still there? Good. But really though, just go back and watch the movie again - I swear Eugene's hair is actually so much more beautiful than even Rapunzel's! It's just a gorgeous shade of lovely shiny brown. Glen Keane really did an awesome job with it, yes? (XD Thanks for reading!)