A/N: Just another what if story to pass the time while I have another nasty bout of health issues...hope you enjoy the One Piece humor! Sorry if it is short guys and gals, I'm just really having a hard time against my illness. Review pretty please!

"Life's a bitch, so if its easy you're doing it wrong."

~?

Magellan was mad.

It was practically impossible to tell just by looking at him; him eyes were only slightly wider than normal, his impossibly toxic mist only somewhat more visible from within clenched teeth, his eyes slighty wider beneath his disheveled cap and bangs. His shoulders were squared a bit more than normal as he folded his gloved arms across his wide stomach. To anyone else in the room, he would have looked unaffected by the sudden announcment that ran through the halls of Impel Down.

"What...did you just say?"

But Vice-Warden Hannybal wasn't anyone else. Only three beings in this entire universe had spent more time around the warden than he had. And two of them were dead now; the third, Shirryu, was currently locked away from all of society of level six, where all of the chaos was currently coming from. That being said, the news had gone through mere moments before, an instant before they'd lost all contact with the guard station on the sixth level. Now, his eyes darted back and forth between the stoic figure at the door and the dumbstruck form of their captive; one Portugas D. Ace, who flinched as yet another tremor chased them up the automated lift.

Whoever was down there, they were hard at work tearing the prison apart.

"Luffy...Ace choked back a breath.

Part of him chuckled inwardly at the scene – he had known that there would be chaos whenever Luffy was involved with anything, but…

"What do you mean Uzmaki D. Naruto has been released!" Magellan's bellow conveyed all the disbelief -minus a tiny trickle of elation- that Ace himself was experiencing. "That's impossible! Who was it, who was the imbecile that allowed him to be released! I'll have his head!'"

Having his little brother waltzing around on the sixth floor might just be enough to get the warden's blood boiling.

"Send all guards to level six!"


(...Meanwhile...)

"EH!" Luffy stumbled three steps forward, nearly losing his momentum for a moment. He dodged and twisted, sweeping aside a nearby guard, Blugori, anything and everything in his path as they rose up the staircase that would eventually lead them to freedom. He stared ahead, as far as his eyes would allow him to see. He could barely hold himself still. He bled from a dozen immeasurable wounds, and his head throbbed and still, he looked ahead.

"That guy back there...he's...

"It's true!"

Luffy narrowly avoided the tooth filled maw of an arctic wolf as he turned to see who had spoken; the like of a blue fist momentarily filling his vision. The blow swept harmlessly past him, colliding with a hapless soldier and splitting the poor cretin's lip in a spurt of blood that sprayed crimson viscera upon the both of them.

Luffy didn't even feel it.

"I didn't know he was being held here." Jimbei continued solemnly. "But his prescence might be just the boon we need." As if in reply, another distant termor rippled through the foundation; furthering imbuing the weight within his words. "As of right now, Naruto-kun is the only one capable of defeating Magellan...!"

"O-Oi!"

Luffy gawped.

It took all his willpower to hold himself together. Another chamber of his heart compressed as he waited for the merman's inevitable reply. Running right now was like drinking liquor while hung over. It scratched and burned at his lungs, and though his feet threatened to leave the earth still he flung himself ahead off the other's. Unbelievable! Poison or no, that doku doku bastard had nearly killed him on one occasion.

Now, somewhere in this prison, there was a guy who could actually defeat him?

"We vwon't have to wait long, Straw-chan." Ivankov announced abruptly, his unusually large cranium filling the rookies vison for another instant as they continued their ascent toward the stairwell that would eventually lead them back to level 5.5, a.k.a the infamous Land of New Kama.

"?"

Aways ahead of them, Crocodile cackled mirthlessly.

"He's coming up after us."


(Even Further Down...

Around them men were dying horribly.

Some were strewn across the floor down, splayed in a pile of twisted limbs, others lay dead, with no indication of what had killed them. And still the lone guard assailed the wall with his fists, weeping and sobbing and spitting, all semblance of sanity already long since lost to him. His hands were bloody stumps, ruined, but he never, ever, stopped. Many had been killed by one means or another, but some had been scorched with fire or exploded. The walls ran red with their fresh blood.

The gate had been blown apart during their entrance, and two figures were wading through the dead and the dying. One of them paused, checking for survivors, scouring the fiflth and grime with what could only be considered as sheer digust and disdain. Blood began to dribble from his left eye. Blood amongst the carnage and chaos. It ran thick and seeped into the floor at his feet, the steady pitter patter causing his companion to frown, sapphiric gaze painfully town away from the stain that spattered the walls and ceiling. Tears of blood, perhaps, almost as if he were weeping for those perished within the once pristine prison.

His companion knew better.

"Sasuke," He began slowly. "That's enough."

The Uchiha smiled and said nothing.

"Sasuke." Naruto repeated the warning. "They can't even stand up."

And still the wails of the dead and dying did not diminish from the sixth level of Impel down.

"Sasuke!"

"They're scum." Sasuke growled in sudden reply. "Just like him. And they're in...THE WAY!"

They were in the way, that is, until a geyser of heat swept down the hallway and consumed the cobblestones. Slow and inexorable, tendrils of flame, black flame spawned themselves from nothingness and crept across the floor. Dragging itself into the depths as though seeking shelter from the light, it sought those already dead and those still dying, and made no distinction between the two. Trickling down the staircase with an eerie precision, a low reverberation began to build on the lowest level of the infamous gaol.

Despite all Naruto had seen, he was thunderstruck by the horror unfolding before him.

Gasping, choking, gagging, each of them eventually died. Eventually. Wreathed within a thin sheathe of black flames, whomsoever suffered the fire's touch began to burn. And they burned slowly. The flames crept across the guards, the stones, the walls, and even the stairwell, consuming all that lay outside the cellblock. All those who remained inside their cells were spared a grisly fate, yet forced to watch and witness the demise of the guards who had been their tormentors for so long.

Nearly five minutes after the blaze began, it finally ended.

Uchiha Sasuke sheathed his sword and then, only then was the black malestrom truly extinguished. All that remained of the patrol, were the ashes. Dust to dust and ashes to ashes, so did they return to the earth. With the last tongue of flame flickering into nothingness, the prisoners finally seemed to find their voices. One more, having taken note of the destruction these two comrades had wrought and shuddered. Granted, he was at least partially responsible for the bloodbath, but this...this was unprecedented.

"Well, well," He began slowly. "That's quite the nasty ability. Guess it's a good thing that you're my nakama, after all."

"My technique works only on the weak-minded." Sasuke ammended brusquely. "Someone like you has nothing to fear from such a paltry illusion." Sweeping a hand across his face, the twin pinpricks of crimson doused themselves; vanishing with the subsuquent lighting of a torch.

Naruto spared the black flames a baleful glare.

"That's not what concerns me."

Sasuke smirked.

"Wondering what kind of power that was just now, are you, captain?"

Naruto inclined his head mutely.

"Well if, we're going to be comrades, I suppose I can tell you." Sasuke gestured to the flames, extinguishing them as his fingertips reformed from the flames. "You understand that there are three type of Devil Fruits, correct?" He continued at his captain's nod. "Paramecia. Zoan. Logia, my ability is all of these, and at the same time, none of them. You see, much like the Kaze Kaze no mi, this particular fruit is ultra-rare, and it wasn't easy to find. It's called the-

...what the fuck are you guys doing?"

"!"

Sasuke choked aloud, irritation flaring across his features and making him fierce as he spun about.

"That depends!" He scowled. "Who the hell's asking?"

"I am, dipshit!" Came the immediate reply; a pitched, femine snarl, growling out from a ways behind them just beyond the bars of a nearby cell. "Now answer my question!" Bathed in the dim glow that the torch provided,a pair of hazel eyes were revealed. "How the hell did you two break out of your cells?" Whomever lurked within that terrible void, they seemed to be incapable of keeping quiet. Much to Sasuke's dismay, Naruto proffered the torch from him and edged forward.

"That's for us to know and you to never find out." He countered.

"Damn you and your riddles!" The reply caused both boys to cringe as if they were children. "Just answer my question, you damn fucker!"

Naturally, this left Sasuke less than pleased.

"Why you-

A hand thrust itself before his face.

"Ou, oi." Naruto shifted, an amused chortle leaving his lips. "Flattery will get you nowhere with us." Brushing past Sasuke, he approched the nearest cell steadily; nonchalant in his approach. Switching the burning torch to his right hand, he reached into his belt and exposed one of the many key rings they'd taken from the guards.

He jangled them.

"But perhaps these might?" He offered slyly.

This earned an unamused hiss from beyond the bars.

"You no good piece of-

"The keys!" Some nameless inmate whined from somewhere across the room. "Hey! You! Let me out! Let me-Aargh!"

"Urusei." Sasuke murmured, annoyance flitting from his features. "We'll get to you when we're good and ready." Dripping with blood and derision, his hand lowered half a centimeter; banishing what appeared to be a thin yet tranluscent column of light. A spear. Sasuke blinked and then it was gone, drawn back into the sleeve from which it had come. He blinked again, tasting the metallic tang of that which was burning flesh.

Suddenly there came a wet squishing sound.

"Nyggaargh!" A man howled as the stream of translucent energy retracted with a wet slurp that could not be mistaken for anything else. "W-What the hell...urgh!"

The like of which could only be made by punctured flesh. A dull thud accompanied this thought, the sound spattering across the cells and shattering the silence. Suddenly, men and women were frothing at the bit. Screaming, shouting and shrieking, they demanded attention; whining and weeping for their freedom. It was impossible to ignore. The very ground began to shake; quivering as the prisoner began stomping their feet and rattling the bars of their ceels with whatever lay within arms reach.

It was an incessant din:

"Let me out!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Me! Me! I'll join your crew!"

"Please! I'll do whatever you want!"

Naruto's eyes flared wide.

"All of you...SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Miles across the cellblock, prisoners slumped into a boneless heap. Foam still gushed from some mouths; eyes remaining glazed, lifeless. With just a single glare, all those without willpower had simply passed out without a word. Slouching over one by one, nearly half the inmates of the northern cellblock collapsed where they stood. The rest, a chosen few who somehow managed to keep their wits about rhem and stay conscious, were instantly quelled.

The silence was eerie.

"Haki, huh?" The girl chortled. "Well, I'll be damned."

"I told you, flattery will get you everywhere." Naruto snapped back.

"Oi! You said nowhere! Not everywhere!" "Are you a fantasista or something?"

Naruto tittered softly.

"Perhaps, but...

"Eh?"

It was impossible to tell in the gloom, but for a moment, Naruto might have smiled. Sasuke arched an eyebrow at the irreverent behavior of his captain. Even more so when said senchou dared to stick his arm into the bars, burying it within the blackness. At that very moment, the torch went out. Plunged back into the dark which he so abhored, the Uchiha muttered a black and condemnatory oath. A heartbeat later, and the torch mysteriously relit itself as his fingers curled around the damp piece of plywood.

...the hell?"

He was greeted by a rather interesting sight.

"W-What the hell was that for?" She, for the voice was unmistakably female, spluttered out from within the cell. "D-Don't just do wierd shit like that!"

Naruto had not only reached through the bars, but he'd pulled his hand back out. There was no mistaking the hand which he held, nor the way in which the prisoner's fingers fisted against his own. In an instant it was over, the moment forever lost. Whomever lie within the cell shrank away from the light when he approached; his senchou's exasperated sigh confirming his suspicions as he withdrew his hands from the bars, his shoulders slumped against further intrustion.

'What the hell is he up to?' He wondered into the gloom.

Unperturbed, Naruto suddenly jangled the keys before the prisoner-of-choice once more.

"I think you just got yer ticket outta here," Naruto said, his ever-present grin widening marginally. "If ya play your cards right, of course. See these?" He jingled the key again, finding amusement in the sudden silence. "I'll let you out of here." He cast his gaze to the other cells, as though contemplating the possiblity of leaving her behind in favor of the others. "If you promise to release everyone that is housed on this level, that is. If not, then...

The silence was deafening.

"Oi, what was your name again?" The voice asked after some pause.

"Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto answered readily, much to Sasuke's dismay.

"Idiot! Don't go telling everyone who you are!"

"Eh?" Naruto blinked. "But she's a lady, right? As a gentleman I have to introduce myself first-

"Tayuya."

"Eh?" Both boys blinked, startled by the sudden revelation of ther prisoner. "She answered?"

She laughed; it was a deep, throaty sound.

"Naruto, huh?" Firm and tart, the owner of the voice abruptly neared the bars. "Well now, I've heard that name before." A pair of almond shaped eyes leered out at them, framed by frayed tresses the like of which they'd never before seen. Scarlet. Her hair was a deep, piercing scarlet, as matching the color of the blood on her hands. The blood of the prisoner's, Naruto realized, as he recognized this scent, the unmistakeable odor of fresh blood.

Sasuke frowned.

Why did the name Tayuya sound so familair?

"You boys wouldn't happen to be breaking out of here, would ya?" She asked.

"Quite." Naruto's grin was matchless in its intensity. "Interested?"

'Wait a second...

"So...what if I am?" She snapped at him, pushing herself into the bars. "You're not just gonna let little ol' me outta here for free, are ya?" Sasuke frowned; because something was wrong. One moment she'd been all but vehement about staying now...

"Don't open that door!"

Naruto turned the key into the lock.

"You weren't listening to me at all!" Sasuke shouted! "Don't just go releasing her without an answer!"

"Yes!" Seconds after the fact, a petite figure slipped daintily through the bars. "Freedom!"

For a moment, Sasuke couldn't help but admire her.

She was short, yet lithe, her curves almost boyish, but her smile was all woman. She moved like a woman who knew what men liked and knew she had it. The starving, greedy part of himself stirred at the sight of her for a moment. Just a moment. It was enough. He'd never even thought about women until he'd been locked up. Before Impel Down, it seemed he'd barely spared a thought for anything else.

Now that he was out and regaining his strength, that old Sasuke was coming back. Lovely. He'd already allied himself with a pirate, and now, he wanted to fuck the first girl he saw. Once, he would have been shamefaced at such a thought, once...well, once he would have thought a lot of different things.

The irony of it made him smile grimly.

Tayuya saw the smiled and smiled back. For someone who had been locked up for kami knew how long, she did look fantastic. Scarlet spilled down her shoulders, framing a perfect, porcelain white face that probably hadn't seen the light of day for many a month. Likewise, she'd somehow kept her original garments; the blood red dress slim cut to her slim body, the dress torn at the sleeves in blatant disregard for fashion, ornate groom ties up the back, and a long expanse of leg exposed that was certainly not traditional but welcome nonetheless.

It was completed with a stylish vest emblazoned with the traditional skull and crossbones-doubtless a jolly roger of sorts- into which her undeniably pert-

"Oi, my eyes are up here, kono hentai!"

"Shit!" Sasuke coughed under his breath, raising his gaze too late. Naruto was there to greet him with a broad grin the size of a Buster Call ship. Tayuya wasn't quite as accomadating. Any vestige of fatigue vanished instantly. She laid eyes upon him and frowned. He touched a hand to the hilt of his sword, prepared to draw in an instant.

"ECCHI!"

Five seconds later, Uchiha Sasuke fond himself nursing a swelling red handprint on his left cheek.

Naruto exchanged a glance between the two and laughed.

"Feeling better?"

"Much." Tayuya groused. "Thanks. I needed that."

"Ahahaha...you're welcome!" Naruto grinned cheerily. "Here give me your wrist. I'll unlock your other shackle."

"Thanks!" Tayuya smiled all-too-sweetly. "I'm grateful."

"Dobe!" Sasuke facepalmed from where he lay. "Are you even listening?"

"What was that emo-boy?" Tayuya hissed.

Sasuke made a small squelching sound.

"N-Nothing."

"Didn't think so." Rubbing at her wrist as the last shackle came free, the redhead offered an unamused snort. "Say...Naruto...right?" She paused in the rubbing of her wrists, sparing the latter a devilish grin the likes of which rivalled Lucifer himself. "Thanks." She clasped his wrist and shook once before the blond could hope to respond. "I owe you one for letting me out of there." Sasuke nearly offered a comment of his own, before his captain broke out into a loud laugh.

"Become our nakama!" Naruto replied with an abrupt grin. "Then we'll consider your debt paid!"

Sasuke sweadropped.

'Oi, oi...

"You can't be serious." Tayuya's expression became dour. "Why on earth would I want to ally myself with you guys?" Dusting herself off, she peered upward at them; torn somehwere in the middle between intrigue and annoyance. "Che." She snorted at last. "Don't go thinking that my debt to the two of you is that important. I'd sooner throw myself back in my cell than work with two strangers!"

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged a terse glance at that.

And Naruto was smiling.

"Are you serious?" Sasuke took one look in the eyes of his senchou and he knew; Naruto was set on having the flamboyant redhead in their crew. "We know next to nothing about her. Furthermore, in case you haven't noticed we don't even know how high her bounty is."

"Bounty schmounty!" Naruto shot back. "I don't even know what your bounty is and I extended my hand to you! I think we can make a bit of an exception for her, too, right!" Sasuke eyed him cryptically for another moment.

"What's your bounty?" He asked Tayuya.

"400,000,000 Berri." Tayuya announced; albeit with a bit of pride. "What about you, emo boy?"

"Oh? So you're only worth four hundred?" Sasuke snapped, thumbing a finger toward his chest as Naruto arched an eyebrow. "Is that all? Try 450,000,000 and 500,000,000, berrir combined you dolt!" Naruto had the where-with-all to offer a small smile in condolence, but Sasuke's expression was painted itself of pure scorn.

And from the look of it, Tayuya was absolutely furious.

Tayuya scowled and he could tell she'd never thought of it. Combined, their bounties exceeded hers. It wouldn't take all that much effort on their part to lock her away again, either. Well, she wasn't a rookie pirate. Because she clearly wasn't thinking like one. Sasuke watched the expected flash of confusion fade, twisting into a white-hot spark the like of which he knew all too well.

"Fuckers...she grumbled beneath her breath. "Why...would you want to work with me anyway?"

Naruto sincerely hoped it was the latter.

"You look like you're strong." He stated, returning his attention to Tayuya. "That's all the reason I need."

"I'd be a lot stronger if I had my flute." Tayuya groused to herself. "That bastard Saldeath! I'm going to break every bone in his body and pry it from his fingers!"

"Nani?" Both boys blinked.

"I'm a musician." Tayuya replied tartly, inhaling sharply in the same breath. "Clear out your ears." Somehow Sasuke had the foresight to brace his footing. It turned out to be a prudent decision. For in the next instant, they were all but blown from their feet. Naruto winced as a series of gashes obliterated the upper half of his torso completely

'W-What the hell?'

Buffeted by an invisible pressure, the Uchiha barely managed to clamp a hand on either ear as a high pitched shriek reverberated off the walls and ceiling; momentarily deafening all the inhabitants of level six.

Tayuya was screaming. She screamed and shook her chains at the ceiling as if it were a symbol of every inmate's impotence and despair. She screamed at the very moment that the prisoners fell still.

Naruto answered.

"Sugoi!" He laughed aloud into her shout. "Show us more!

As if released by that sound, the winds roared. Lightning crackled across the floor; summoned by sheer friction of force at work, and the light painted Naruto black against the pseudo-sky. Black clouds swarmed in-how was that possible-and rain lashed down as cracks spread across the walls and ceiling, split by the force of her scream. Wait. She did have the force of a scream, but she wasn't screaming.

Tayuya was laughing.

She was laughing, crying, defying the lightning, her hair waving at the heavens as though it were conducting a wild chorus of rage. Screams arose from the cellblock as never before. Tears shining in her eyes like stars, she began reciting a dithyramb of longing and loss abd a wind kicked up off the plith She sang a threnody to them, a dirge for the hope of a better life. The words swirled with the wind and not a few inmates felt that not only the winds but the spirits of the murdered were gathering to her voice, rising with the cadences of vengeance.

"So you've eaten a devil's fruit." Sasuke scowled. "I should have known."

"Not just any Devil Fruit." Naruto frowned, thrusting an arm outward. "Sasuke this is-!"

"Demonic Sonata." She announced suddenly. "Kurushimi no kōrasu." (Chorus of Damnation)

'W-What on earth is this pressure?'

With a sudden snarl, Tayuya dissolved. Naruto faded from existence in that very same instant; leaving little more than a breeze in his wake. With an earending shriek, a huge ball of light carromed off the ceiling and slammed into everything exploded.

Tayuya smugly wrenched her mouth shut an instant later, subsuquently reforming herself and banishing the baleful scream. Warily, Sasuke unlocked his wrists; the banshee's snarl still ringing painfully in his ears. Surely Naruto had to be in a similair state, he mused. But as he returned his attention to his accomplise, he bore witness to an even stranger sight than Tayuya's ability.

Naruto's eyes were sparkling.

"You're perfect!" he crowed. "Absolutely perfect!" One instant he was standing across from her, a trickle of water leaking through the cracked ceiling and spilling across his face. In the blink of an eye he lay three feet away. Sasuke followed his gaze with genuine amazement as the blond picked himself up off the floor. Patting himself down off dirt and debris, he too, was nursing a swollen cheek.

"Say that again!" Flushed from head to toe, Tayuya loweredher still steaming palm. "I dare you!"

Unlike Sasuke's previous encounter, Naruto just laughed it off.

"Tayuya, was it?" Naruto inquired, struggling to a sitting position. "I've made up my mind! You're going to be our musician!" He dropped into a crouch and bent at the knees, straightening his body until he managed bring himself upright. "Our nakama! Once we get your flute back from Saldeath you'll join us, right?" Sasuke turned aside, feeling both jealous and guilty for it.

"B-Baka!" Tayuya spluttered! "D-Don't say freaky stuff like that!"

Sasuke couldn't help it; he felt just a twinge of sympathy for his captain.

"Give it up." He said to Tayuya. "There's no stopping him when he gets like this."

"W-What?" Aghast, Tayuya could only whisper.

"You do owe us." Naruto pressed.

"And if I say no?"

Naruto grinned.

"You must really like the warden, huh?"

Tayuya blinked.

"What the fuck was that?"

Naruto kept grinning.

"Oi...I said...

Naruto sat up.

"Logia or not, if you stay here, Magellan's going to get you." He dropped his voice. "You don't stand a chance against him without our help." He grinned his foxy grin and the flamboyant redhead felt her face flush anew. "C'mon! Let's work together!" In an instant he stood before her. His hand was extended. His smile genial. Everything about him radiated kindess and assurance in a way she hadn't known before.

"Neh?" He offered his hand.

"Y-You don't know about my abilities."

"And those would be?" Sasuke asked.

"Are you retarded or something?" Tayuya exhaled heavily. "I ate the Oto Oto no mi. Sound itself is my weapon! I can kill entire armies with my voice alone!" She closed her eyes for a moment, and for that moment, in the darkness, a small shiver ran through her shoulders. "Just being near me guarantees your death! Its the kiss of death! Why can't you retards comprehend that, huh!"

"Die?" Naruto tilted his head.

"Aren't we dead if we stay here?" Sasuke reciprocated the action.

"BAKA!" Tayuya shrieked! "Both of you! If you're going to be that way...you better not make me regret this!"

"Eh?"

The smooth skin of her cheek brushed against his scruffy, whiskered one. Her hair filled his nostrils with the clean scent of delight and disbelief. She hugged him fiercely, the notes of strong hard arms joining with supple firm stomach and back joining with the pure feminine softness of her chest pressed against his making a chord of perfect acceptance.

Her hands locked around his cheeks and clamped down.

Something warm and moist brushed Naruto's lips and immediately pullled aside. Sasuke blinked as he too, received a similar gift. The sudden lilplock altogether quick; fleeting and hardly enough to be made recognizable before the petite redhead yanked her lips away.

Naruto choked aloud in confusion.

"NANI?"

"Th-There." Tayuya blushed, shamefaced. "Immunity. N-Now we won't have to worry about the two of you dying now, will we?" Before either male could even begin to voice their protests, she pushed past them, the ring of keys swinging from one fingertip. By this point the water had already begun to pool at their feet. In a matter of hours, what had once been a great underseat ghaol, would be little more than rubble if the leak was not soon patched.

Of course, as they eyed the long hallway of cells, that was the furthest thought from the mind of our three heroes.

"Nice to meet ya, boss." Tayuya forced a sneer when Naruto's expression turned questioning. "Now, whaddya say we blow this joint?" She swung the keys depreceatingly back at the blond, the latter snatching them up before they could be lost in the rapidly pooling water.

Eyeing the cellblock filled with clamoring inmates, Sasuke only smiled.

"I couldn't agree more."

Next time: CHAOS! Riot in Impel Down! Blackbeard vs Naruto! Magellan Vs. Naruto! STAY TUNED! Next chapter will be the longest and best yet!