A/N: DAMN IT! MY FUCKING LAPTOP KEEPS ON SHUTTING DOWN! ...Guess I'll have to rate this T for language now XD. So, this crack fic was inspired by this lollipop I'm holding, which recently tried to cut off my tongue. Don't ask. Honestly, every inanimate object tries to kill me, be it a spoon or paper clip.

Alphonse Elric, a man of metal, younger brother to the Fullmetal Alchemist, master of hand-to-hand combat, was running. From flying, evil, cackling lollipops. Alphonse Elric was running from candy. Why, he wasn't quite sure; they were just really angry at him for no reason. Hell, he couldn't even eat them! Al was just looking around for a girl who might be interested in an armor-wearing giant when, out of nowhere, sugar on sticks started to chase him! How random is that?

The evil lollipops were getting closer.

Good thing I can't feel fatigue, Al thought gratefully.

Rounding another corner, Al came across a plan and jumped into a nearby alley, transmuting a wall of stone. Tragically, he completely forgot that the evil lollipops could fly, so he was once again being chased by the candy, which flew over the wall. He wasn't running for long, though, because the alley decided it would be very convenient to turn into a dead end. Al briefly wondered how a seemingly endless aisle could suddenly poof out an extra wall, but there was no time for thinking (it is, after all, pretty useless); the evil, cackling, flying lollipops were about 5 feet away.

Swiftly, Al clapped his hands and placed them on one of the walls, alchemically creating- nothing? Why isn't his alchemy working? The only explanation was that he was somehow in Father's lair, but that was impossible. The homunculus, along with his room, were all destroyed a while ago. Wait a second, didn't that mean Al should have his body-

The lollipops were now on him, hissing and biting. Al tried to fight them, but alas, he was too immersed in wondering why the hell he had an armor body to pay attention. See why thinking's so dangerous?

"A...l," a voice called. Damn, now the lollipops could talk?

Al's head clattered to the ground, exposing his red blood seal. (I don't really know why he has a cute little animal made of blood in there, but whatever.)

"Al..." the voice called again. How did the evil lollipops know his name?

The candy was getting closer to his weakness, hissing, snapping, and drooling. They were just upon it, and Al could feel his life slipping away from him. His last thoughts were of how he never got a girlfriend and-


Al bolted awake and promptly threw up.

"Still sick, Al? That's why I told you not to eat so much. I think you broke the world record for the number of lollipops eaten in an hour."

Al turned to the speaker, finding it to be his brother, Ed. "What are you talking about, Nii-san?"

"Don't you remember? You've just about emptied Winry's secret stash of candy. I don't know why the hell she would keep about ten million of that stuff in her underwear drawer, but the vast majority of it were those huge whirly pop things. Most of which you devoured. Who knew 4 years without senses could make one so hungry?"

Al groaned, memories flooding back. No wonder he had a nightmare about those things; he spent around 6 hours huddled over the toilet bowl because of them.

"Anyway, you okay? It seemed like you had a bad dream. But I don't know why the hell you would moan something like 'evil flying candy.'"

Al let out a choked, and very fake, laugh. "It's all kinda blurry now. I don't really remember." When in reality, he would be telling his grandchildren the strangest nightmare he ever experienced, beginning with, "It all started with a suit of armor..."

A/N: Gah. I feel like I could've done better with the ending XP. Review please. If you don't, I'll personally hunt you down and take you out with a chainsaw, some string, a paper clip, and peanut butter.

EDIT: I fixed a few mistakes in this, so it's probably a bit better now. Still don't really like the ending though… Oh, and I mostly kept the original author's notes up for this, though I did delete art of them.