-A/N-

I really don't want the first thing I do here to be apologise so I'll say hello instead.

HEY GUISE. How are y'all doing?

Ok now what we've got that out of the way who's ready for their next dose of crack fic?

Good.

I'm not going to go into it too much as to why this took forever, but if you'd like to ask me that or anything else outside of reviews you can always hit me up with a PM or at my tumblr (suckmyberries).

Oh and reviewers, thank you so much. I love all you guys who dare to read this mess but to my reviewers a special thank you because you guise remind me that people are still reading and that yes I need to get off my butt (figuratively) and write some more. Me love you long time.

-THAT'S NOT A BOY/PUCK-

Puck was wedged between Finn and Rachel as they all tried (and failed) to stay quiet in the bed of her truck. Blaine's car had turned onto the street while they were all half way to the sidewalk, which hadn't given them time to lay down comfortably before he'd hopped out and hurried to the Hudson-Hummel front door. Puck grabbed the side of the truck with one hand, pulling her head up just enough to see Blaine rocking back and forth on his feet while waiting for someone to answer. She almost sniggered, nobody was gonna answer that door.

It had all happened pretty quickly after Kurt said Blaine was probably coming over. Kurt freaked and told them all to leave which was a shit ton of annoying with her new, even higher pitched, voice. Then that set Satan off because he refused to go home with a dick and then he started speaking in tongues or Spanish or whatever. Puck just knew from experience you did not mess around with that.

If you ask her, which nobody did, it was a whole lot of white noise as everyone ran around like the world was ending. But while everyone else was crapping their pants Puck was the one who noticed that Kurt had gone all quiet and she just knew the look on that girls face. It was the look of a girl who wasn't planning on answering the door to her gay boyfriend.

It had been pretty damn obvious, everyone else was just too busy climbing out the attic windows to notice. Puck didn't know what was worse, that nobody thought about maybe just walking upstairs and going out the back door or the fact that everyone seemed to be ignoring how much paler Kurt was even if she did look calm. Then Finn went ahead and proved that maybe she still had a few crayons up her nose and said her clothes didn't fit and should she go try her moms on? Nobody paused to explain that Carole wasn't known for being a gigantor like Finn was so instead Sam just shook her head and pushed Finn towards the other teenagers scrambling to climb outside.

And because Puck did the right thing and payed attention to Kurt before she left that was somehow how she ended up with Finnessa on one side of her and Rachel-the-horn-dog Berry on the other side, in the back of her truck. That was without mentioning Sam who jumped in at the last minute and was currently laying, really fucking uncomfortably, across all their legs.

Three girls, a guy and a truck bed. If it were any other day Puck would probably use this situation to her advantage. Of course on any other day she'd of been the brains of the operation, and by brains she meant balls, and by balls she meant the one with the dick. Now she'd mentally opened that can of worms Puck just kinda figured that she'd have to get used to the idea of sex sooner or later. It may be a chicks body, well her body, but it was the same brain and Puck was already getting withdrawal symptoms. Well she thought she was getting horny, Puck could only assume that's what sex withdrawal felt like for girls.

"Psst Rach?"

Rachel shhh-ed her before stealing a peak at Blaine. Puck didn't need to lift her head again to know the curly haired robin or swallow, whatever he called himself, was still waiting.

"Seriously", she whispered before elbowing him in the side. Either Sam or Finn, she wasn't paying attention, shout-whispered to them about being quiet while Rachel turned his head angrily, "what?"

"What does it feel like to be turned on?", she asked without a hint of anything other than curiosity. Well she was smirking just a little bit but that was like her wired in expression regardless of her gender. Of course Puck knew from experience what to look and feel for in a chick to tell if she was turned on, but there was obviously a difference between seeing and feeling it for herself. Plus she wasn't sure any of them would be happy if she stuck her fingers in her underwear to test her theory the way she knew how, even if she really wanted to.

"Dude!" Finn said all of a sudden catching up with what she just asked.

"What? I need to know and Rach would know, even if he dated you".

"She dated me. When he was a she and..."

"Whatever", Puck said raising a hand to interrupt Finn defending her butt. "Point is that it's need to know info. And I need to know", she looked Finn up and down with a smirk, "not sure you need to know though budddddy".

What broke out next began with a punch from Finn followed by a pinch from Puck who muttered "you bitch chicks don't look good with bruises" as she did it. Before they knew it Rachel had one arm over Puck trying separate their now pinching fingers before they were all frozen in place by someone clearing their throat.

All three looked up in unison as apparently Sam had already been staring in horror at Blaine, who had one perfectly triangular eyebrow arched curiously while his brow scrunched in confusion at the top of his nose. "Would there be a reason that you're laying in the bed of this truck, that I happen to know isn't yours, outside my boyfriends house?"

Puck scoffed at the not yours comment, this was her baby after all, but all it did was turn the confusion in Blaine's face to suspicion for a split second. Puck figured it only lasted a second because if Blaine was even close to guessing what had really happened he'd never believe it.

Well that's what Puck thought until Blaine almost knowingly asked "who are you?"

She wasn't sure but she swears she heard Sam squeak and she knows the girlish gasp was from Finn. What Puck wasn't expecting was the cool look on Rachel's face as he pulled himself up and jumped sturdily from the truck to the sidewalk where he towered over Blaine. Puck figured it mighta been the first time Rachel has towered over anyone ever, not that Blaine was a tall guy by anyones standards.

"I don't see what business it is of yours..." Puck shuffled over in Rachels line of sight but behind Blaine, motioning for him to be tougher and Rachel trailed off before nodding and clearing his throat. "Is it your truck?", Puck could practically hear the Rachel trying to lower his voice.

"Well no but I happen to know who owns-", Blaine stepped back as Rachel stepped forward.

"-well I suggest you... I mean keep your nose out". Rachel caught himself again but it was then that the door to the Hudson Hummel home flew open and a female shriek exited long before a very female Kurt Hummel ran out.

Her finger was poised before she even made it to Rachel, jabbing him in the chest once she arrived, "I said get out and keep a low profile, I did not say bully and threaten the man that I love".

That's when Berry apparently decided that if she was going down by the hand of Hummel, he was taking her with him.

"It was Pucks idea. She was making faces behind him telling me to be tough". It was less than a second after he finished talking when his hand clapped over his mouth as he realized what he'd said. They all looked on, horrorstruck, at Blaine whose jaw was now hanging wide open as he stared unashamedly at Puck.

If Puck wasn't sure Blaine was gay and completely confident that she was really hot as a chick then she might have told him to stop fucking staring. As it happened though she just stared right back at him, watching him connect the dots.

"You're Puck?", Blaine spluttered.

"Obviously", she said back reflexively against the chorus of "No"s from everyone else.

"This is some sort of joke", he attempted to smile even though it more looked like he was going to puke a lung.

"We all wish it was", Puck bit back crossing her arms over her moderate rack. Yes she was hot but she was still a little disappointed in her boobs.

Blaine swung around casting a quick glance over them all taking a step back as he spoke, "no this is a joke. What are you actors? What are they hazing the new boyfriend? Did they pull in some favors with the theatre group? Or are you all just random kids who'll do anything for money...?"

Puck watched as Blaine looked like he was having a stroke or something, spluttering out more questions even though no one had answered him and eventually falling to his knees altogether. Kurt looked like she was about to faint but then she fell forward instead of back, hugging Blaine and carefully whispering something in his ear.

She almost felt bad watching Blaine stare at Kurt like that, all confused and struggling to understand. Hummel just kinda sat there with him holding his hands and trying not to cry. All in all shit got real awkward real fast for the rest of them, which was almost impressive considering she'd jacked off Rachel like less an hour ago.

After a few silent minutes Puck was about to crawl out the truck bed and suggest (with some shoving) that they take it inside when Blaine cupped Kurt's cheek with his hand and whispered "Kurt, it's really you?"

All she did was let out a choked breath and nod before they hugged each other. On their knees. On the lawn. In front of the goddamn house.

Puck had to hand it to him, Anderson was smooth.

However she rolled her eyes when she looked over to see a sappy smile on Rachel's watery face, "it's so romantic!" he blubbered.

She reached out and punched him in the arm for his troubles, "don't cry out here, someone might see those arms and think you're me. Just pull yourself together and let's go."

Kurt managed to tear herself away to look at Puck with the same confusion that was usually plastered on Finns face. Sam was too busy holding her new lady parts and dancing around because she needed to pee but it was Rachel that actually asked "where are we going?"

Oh was she glad Rachel asked.

"Isn't it obvious Rach? I'm going to raid your panties drawer obviously" she said with a grin she she slipped her hand onto Rachels shoulder and used him as leverage to jump out of the truck bed on to grass. She was a lot more graceful than she had expected to be.

Kurt snorted which was the most unladylike thing he'd ever done, like ever, and Finn laughed.

Puck shrugged at him, "come on you don't expect me to walk around in this dress...", she yanked at the neckline with her free hand for effect, "without any underwear on. Commando used to be fun but now every time I feel that breeze I just think some strapping boy with guns of steel and a heart of gold is just waiting to sneak a peek."

Maybe she shouldn't have nudged Rachel as she said it because apparently it was all too much for Sam who laughed and then ran for the open front door and probably the bathroom. Finn giggled and blushed but Puck seemed to be the only one to notice Rachel's one balled up hand by his side. He was learning restraint well it seemed.

The fist awkwardly uncurled as he stamped his foot and grumbled his way to the drivers door, "I like that dress... she shouldn't have offered to help me with my situation... if she thinks she's going thorough MY underwear drawer".

Puck was about to remind him to call it a boner and not a 'situation' when she realized where Berry was headed and she just had to ask "Ehh where are you going?"

Apparently the look on Pucks face cheered him up, "I don't know if you noticed Noah, but you've lost a considerable number of inches recently, and no I don't mean your... your thing", he waved a hand about as he talked either trying to motion to her missing dick or trying to grab the word out of thin air, Puck wasn't 100% on which. "Granted you're not as short as I was but you're still too short to drive this monster truck as it's currently set up. So it looks like you're riding shotgun if you want to visit my wardrobe... and nothing else".

Puck was only half joking before but as she hauled herself round to the passenger side Puck vowed that she was definitely getting into Berry's panties, even though Berry wouldn't be in them at the time.