An author's note from the laptop of castleelovee: Inspiration struck me of course while I should honestly be doing a million and one other things. But no, instead of staying on task, I'm posting this fanfic. Anyways, I hope you enjoy while I go have a mental fight with myself by cursing the fact that I am such a horrible procrastinator.
I don't own any of the characters but any spelling/grammar mistakes are entirely my own.
However, if I were the owner of the characters, there would most certainly be more Caskett moments[:
One last thing - I'm annoying I know - I'm not really sure whether or not if I should make this a multi-shot fanfic so I'd love some feedback telling me if you think I should continue. The story is marked as complete but you may see another chapter.
After a long day at the precinct he finally enters his bedroom for the first time in 48 hours. The case they caught had been a brutal one and had left the whole team worn out. There had been so many false leads and so many lies by the end of interrogations his head was spinning, making him feel like he was floating. He didn't know which way was up or which way was down but she had grounded him every time, and in return he did the same.
Sitting down on the bed he begins to slowly untie his dress shoes and take them off. He is much too tired to change into pajamas. He discards his dress shirt and takes his jeans off, throwing them both in what he hopes is the general direction of his hamper. He really should clean his room, otherwise he won't hear the end of it from his daughter.
He takes comfort in the sanctuary of his bed. It is comfortable, inviting and everything he needs after a long day. He can finally lay back to relax and just be himself. The mask he puts on daily finally comes off and he does not need to filter his thoughts.
He looks towards the window and sees he forgot to close the blinds and curtains as well as the window he left open two days ago. He is excited to see that while preparing for bed it has already begun to rain. The cool air creeps its way across the room to surround his body, making him feel something for once. He realizes that at night and in solitude is the only time he is free with his thoughts. It's the only time that he can truly think about her.
In the darkness of his room, with the only light coming from the moon beams shining, he thinks of her in all the ways that he knows he shouldn't. He thinks about her as Kate. He thinks about how she makes him finally feel alive again, yet he can't even show her. He's a risk to her, he's all too aware of this fact. He has tried and tried to make her see that he's worth it, he's worth that risk but he feels like he fails each and every time. So he tries not to think about Kate being his future one and done, which he wants with every fiber of his being - but only if it's with her.
He realizes that he thinks about her all day but he restricts his mind to think of Kate as only a coworker and sometimes as a friend. At the precinct or while on a case he only allows himself to call her Detective, Beckett, or sometimes Becks when he knows that she really she needs to smile. If he doesn't, he knows that just saying her name will elicit all sorts of feelings that he knows he should repress. The more he spends time with her though, the more the lines become blurry. He just doesn't understand why he feels like he needs to hide his thoughts and emotions, so he is no longer sure what he is allowed to think about her anymore. Is he allowed to notice that she's utterly adorable when there is a crease between her brows? When she bits her lower lip, is he supposed to ignore how he has an urge to kiss her? He realizes that Beckett wouldn't be happy knowing he had these thoughts, but maybe Kate would.
Each morning he knows there's the possibility of severe bags under his eyes, but quite frankly he doesn't care. He knows that if he sleeps he will more than likely dream about her, but he had never been one to remember dreams. He figures that if he's awake he will at least be able to day dream about her and have every detail memorized. He pictures what their life could be like if they were together in every sense of the word. He knows that it's stupid he does this, but he also knows its the only way he won't be plagued with emotional thoughts throughout the day while he's with her.
His nights used to be filled with different women, but now they're only filled with one - one who he doesn't think he can have. Somehow, he isn't disappointed though. If he were to go out and try to find a girl, he knows that they won't measure up to Kate, not even close. His standards have been raised because of her, and he realizes that she is the only one that can meet them because she is the only one he wants.
His mind is free to wander now. He's allowed to think of Kate in a romantic way. There are all of the possibilities that come across his mind of how he would say he loves everything about her, even the things that drive him crazy. He imagines how he will whisper 'I love you' into her ear from behind before pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. He thinks about everything she has given him and everything she has ruined for him. He has become a better man by knowing and loving her, but all the other women out there will never cross his mind the same way she crosses his. He knows that she probably doesn't think about him like he does about her, but alone in his room at night, in the darkness with slivers of light, he thinks about Kate.
Because come daylight, the mask is back in place.