8Author's Note: The Author(s) will hereby not be held accountable for any inability to breathe, head injuries due to falling off a chair and hitting the edge of a desk, or concerned friends and or family members who may place the reader in a temporary mental hospital because of uncontrollable fits of laughter brought on by these articles.
Author 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to Marvel Characters Who Are Not Smarter Than a
Fifth Grader! I am your host, Darkphoenixforce, and today's show will take a look at the woman
who is responsible for the creation of the super villain of death and destruction Darth
Vader…err…Magneto! That's right ladies and gentlemen; today's discussion topic centers on
none other than Magda Lensherr!
Okay, so, as most of us know, Magda was the mostly innocent human gypsy woman whose only
crime was being stupid enough to marry Magneto. However, in her defense, she didn't know he
was a mutant when they got married. Don't worry though; as soon as she found out, she
promptly left him to go run away and hide in the mountains, probably increasing his general
irritation with the human populace as a consequence….Yeah…let that sink in.
But, to be fair, I'm pretty sure we can all agree (and I'm fairly certain I'm correct about this) that
dear old Mags most likely didn't come home from a hard day's work to tell his wife that he had
discovered his superhuman ability saving some defenseless child, and now they could live in
relative ease and comfort with Magneto being either a government agent or a circus performer.
Personally, I don't think he could make it at either profession.
So, assuming he demonstrated some as horrible display of mass murder, I guess we can forgive her for getting the heck out of dodge.
So she runs off the magical freezing mountainside where she is taken in by a kindly creature that
helps her and delivers her twins. Unfortunately she dies soon after their birth, and little Wanda
and Pietro are left all alone in the galaxy…eh…world.
Now, if any of you are pulling out your box of tissues set aside specifically for weeping over
Anakin's betrayal and Padme's unfortunate passing because this story sounds unusually familiar,
let me stop you right there. Alright, Padme….Padme died on the freaking operating table where
she gave birth. All she had time to do was name her soon to be motherless offspring.
Dear Magda, on the other hand, WANDERED OUT INTO THE MOUNTAINSIDE AND DIED OF EXPOSURE.
Yeah, that's right; she CAUSED her own death, however indirectly it may have been. If it
weren't for her wanting a bit of fresh air, Magneto might have come back from the dark side to
attempt to be a good husband and father. But no, she had to go into a panic attack about his ever
finding their children and stumble off into the snow. Newsflash, Magda, you're a human, so
there's only ONE miraculous salvation from death in your contract with Marvel. All this
nonsense because she was worried about her kids.
Right, because they would be much safer in the hands of relative strangers who would try to
dump them on the first willing family available, who would then go happily about their lives
until they found out their little darlings' father was a mutant terrorist and inevitably suffer
some unpleasant demise because, really, you can't go adventuring if your sensible adopted
parents are still alive to tell you to be careful. Pfft….can't believe it took 'em so long to kill the
Maximoffs.
The End