8Hello and welcome back to Marvel Characters Who Are Just Complete Idiots. Today's article is a rather interesting one. It centers on the X Men's "alleged" leader, Scott "Pretty Boy"
Summers. Now, now, I know what you might be thinking. Scott? Surely not Scott, he's….cool…right? Well, okay, sure he can shoot freaking laser beams out of his eyes; I'll give him that.
He's also the (self proclaimed) "leader" of the X Men team and actually had the nerve to kick Xavier out of the mansion. Woah….wait….what?
Yeah, you read that last sentence correctly. Summers get's all ticked off at Xavier for using his telepathy to wipe all of his traumatic memories associated with his "dead" brother, dead
here being a relative term. I guess after Jean, Emma, Jean again, Emma again, some more Jean, probably half a dozen female telepaths we don't know about, and lastly Jean, messing
with his mind, he had about had it with this whole mental powers thing. It's actually pretty funny when you think about it; Scott is just like the humans who hate mutants. He dislikes what
he doesn't have the brain capacity to understand.
Well, alright, maybe I should start from the beginning and this will all make more sense.
A long time ago, when change really was something you could believe in, Scott's military dad (who would roll over in his grave if he knew how messed up and wimpy his son was) was
flying his wife and two sons home from their vacation or…something…details. Anyway, just as the family was undoubtedly chattering about politics and gas prices, out of the sky came AN
ALIEN FLEET OF DOOM! Now that Scotty's parents' "worst case scenario" had actually…happened….they were forced to come to a quick life altering decision and shoved their two sons out
of the plane as alien bate. "Over here, Zim! They're over here!"
No, not really. Well, they did shove their two sons out of the plane…but it was some desperate, totally going to fail attempt to save them. For some strange reason they only carried
two parachutes….curse you Titanic builders!
Sadly, Fate was off her medication that day and, in a moment of well intentioned (pure evil) action, allowed the two boys to survive….though their parents probably died some
horrible fiery death…at least for a couple of years so that Scott would have absolutely no good influence growing up. You know how it is. On the plus side, Scott did get a major head
beating because Fate realized last minute that she had made a horrible mistake and lit up his parachute like a Roman Candle.
Unfortunately, all this did was put him in a coma for like a year, get him and his brother separated, and totally ruin any chance he had of ever being able to control his powers. Being
the kind of guy that he is though, he managed to turn this tragedy into a fashion statement by wearing the most ridiculously well known shades in history.
Now, if some extra terrestrial battle fleet of death has you on their intergalactic hit list before you've even technically had a chance to actually do anything….well….I guess their ability
to see into the future was sadly of no use. It's okay guys, you did the best you could. However, next time I would recommend making use of the services of Boba Fett. Dude survived the
freaking Sarlacc Pit! No, like, seriously. That guy's awesome. "Koona t'chuta [Cyclops]?" (Now imagine that…coming from some kick butt Mandalorian dude…instead of Toad's cousin
Greedo).
So, Scott is shipped off to an orphanage where he is yet again the prey of forces much more awesome than himself, this time in the form of Mr. Sinister posing as an orphan. Now, if
the idea of a super powerful, incontrovertibly evil mutant man, who's very name evokes traumatic childhood nightmares, running around masquerading as a small boy isn't just a little bit
disturbing, than you've obviously not seen The Orphan. Once again, however, Fate makes a series of stupid mistakes and Scott lives to see another day.
Blah blah blah….he then eventually manages to worm his way into the X Men and begin his official career as the stalker of Jean Grey. After several years of this, Fate finally gets her
act together and smites Jean. Cyclops becomes even more useless than usual, and the world lives happily ever after….or so we thought.
Sadly, only about halfway through a celebration dance, Fate receives a wedding invitation for Scott and Jean's clone Madelyne Pryor. Also, according to my sources, there was
something about an email from Marvel about a plan to bring Jean back…more on that later. Scott and Madelyne get married, blah, blah, blah, have a baby, blah, Jean comes back, and
Scott skips out on his wife and child. Don't worry though, she turns evil and eventually dies so he won't have to worry about being tied down. Oh, and little Nathan Summers get blasted
like 2000 years into the future and is raised for a little while by Scott and the woman (home wrecker) who ruined his mother's life and his parents' marriage. But after about twelve years
they go back to their regular time and leave the totally capable and independent preteen Nathan to fulfill some destiny or other.
After awhile, due to some trauma that nobody cares about, Scott befriends the (temptress) telepath known as Emma Frost. It doesn't take long for his new wife to get a little taste
of marital infidelity herself. See, Scotty has a psychic affair with Frost, so, rather than Jean facing the risk of walking in on them, by being a telepath herself, she can just have her mind
permanently scarred instead. That's cold, Scott; that's cold.
Finally, Fate wakes up from her self induced coma and comes back with a vengeance, striking down Jean once more. Scott mopes about a bit and then carries on with his blatant
affair. At long last, his "dead" brother returns, Scott kicks a now powerless Xavier out of the mansion, and the X Men give up all hope of ever winning their rights as American citizens…
hmm…déjà vu, huh?
In conclusion, Scott is a wannabe player with an unhealthy attraction to telepaths and a rather irritating knack of really ticking off Fate…and all of the other countless people who
want to kill him. But, regarding the problem with not understanding the meaning of the word "faithful", that might simply be a somewhat less than clever attempt to distract people from
his real romantic interest. Add the fact that these affairs are generally with psychics, and we might have a possible case for Scott actually being smarter than he looks. Hey, if he can fool
telepaths, he might not be so hopeless after all….NOT. It's much more likely that all of Jean's deaths are really suicides because she knows what's going on in his head. That's right,
Wolverine, you need keep an eye on your "friend".