Disclaimer: The goblins have run off with the paperwork declaring I do not own X-Men: Evolution, Labyrinth, or any character other than my OCs! The goblins! The GOBLINS!
A/N: To those who haven't read my earlier parodies, Raven LeBeau is the the daughter of Remy and Rogue from my AU dimension Reality 777. She and her boyfriend Lightning come from the future and across dimensions to bring quality. . . er, funny anyways, plays to you, the readers. There are a few things you might want to know about her dimension: 1) She looks like Mystique. 2) She has a little sister named Rachel. 3) Kitty and Piotr have a child codenamed Twinkle. 4) She and Lightning have scared Scott so much in the dimension these plays take place in that he is now permanently afraid of synchronized sentences. This play is dedicated to anyone born before 1990. Thank you!
And now without further ado, Raven and Lightning present…
"Where'sthe piratestuff?" Pietro zips around the set – searching. "Thisdoes notlook like piratestuff!" He picks up a costume. "Oooo, this is rathernice, though." He grins.
Rogue rolls her eyes at him. "Look, not-so-quick-witted, there ain't pirate stuff because this ain't a pirate play."
"Not a pirate play?" Toad whines in shock. "But… I liked that one!"
"How can Ah be the only one who knew this wasn't a pirate play?" Rogue growls.
"Maybe because you're the only one who gets an advanced copy of the script," Raven answers, stepping out of the shadows.
Evan and Scott scream.
Lightning laughs. "I love it when you scare them."
Raven grins at her boyfriend. "Me too." She floats his clipboard to him. "Let's get started, okay?"
Jean raises her hand.
"Yes, Jean," Lightning says with a frown.
"How come we're not doing Mutants of the Caribbean 3?" Jean asks.
Raven and Lightning look at each other with frustrated smirks. "Let's just say, I think my father needs some time to cool off before we tackle that one."
"I bloody agree," Pyro whimpers from his hiding place behind Wanda. Remy's head snaps to him. He glares and drags his finger across his throat. Pyro whimpers again. Wanda sighs.
"So, what are we doing?" Scott asks.
"Labyrinth," the time-travellers answer together. This time Rogue is grinning. Scott lets out a frustrated sigh and counts to ten.
"Rogue, you will play the part of Sarah," Raven says lightly.
"Thank ya," Rogue says with a bigger grin. "At last, a play I won't mind doing!"
"Was that a squeal?" Kitty asks.
"If it was anyone but Rogue, then yes," answers Bobby. "Since it was Rogue, then definitely not"
Lightning decides to move on. "Gambit, you will be Jareth." Rogue's grin grows even larger.
Jean looks at her, "Rogue!"
"Oh, come on! Stay outta my head!" Rogue growls.
"Sheesh, Rogue, it's not like I read it on purpose! But if you ever deny finding him attractive again, I won't believe you."
Remy smirks at Rogue. She's blushing.
Raven clears her throat. She'd be getting mad, but this is Rogue and Gambit. "Can we continue?"
"Please do!" Rogue snaps.
"Piotr," Raven declares, "you will be playing Ludo. Avalanche will help with special effects."
Piotr nods from his place next to Kitty.
"Kitty, you will be the Junk Lady," Lightning says.
Kitty shrugs, "Well, at least I have some lines." Piotr nods and smiles at her. She smiles back.
"Professor Xavier, you will be Sarah's father," Raven says.
"And… Gabrielle Haller, you will be Sarah's step-mother," Lightning says quickly.
"Whatever, I just can't believe you're making me do this," she glares into nowhere.
Raven rolls her eyes. "Why did you marry her again?"
"She wasn't always so bitter, you know," Charles Xavier says with a steeple of his fingers.
Raven shakes her head, "Kurt, you will be the brave knight, Sir Didymus."
"Sveet! I get to show my charming side to ze ladies," he says. He raises his eyebrows and winks at Amanda. She blushes.
Lightning smiles at Kurt, "Rahne, you will be pulling double duty as Merlin and Ambrosius."
Rahne growls under her breath, "Figures… I'm always the dog."
"No one but you could pull it off so well," Jubilee answers.
Raven chooses to ignore them and says, "Scott, I have a very important part for you. It's actually not that bad this time."
"Really?" the so-called fearless leader of the X-Men asks. "What is it?"
"Hoggle," she says with an evil grin.
"What's the catch?" he asks cautiously. Her grin is making him nervous.
"Rogue gets to call you Scooterdinck again," Lightning laughs – and so do the rest of the cast and crew… even Raven. Scott scowls and mutters about there always being a catch. Lightning continues after he calms down with, "Pyro, Scarlet Witch, Toad, Magma, and Sunfire, you will all be fireies."
Pyro cheers. Wanda raises an eyebrow. Remy growls at him. Rogue raises an eyebrow and says, "Down, boy."
"Remy ain't a dog, chère."
"And Ah ain't… aw, forget it!" Rogue snaps as the entire cast and crew cross their arms and give her incredulous looks.
Raven snaps her fingers. "Let's get on with this, share we? Jaime, I am afraid we need your clones again – this time for the Helping Hands."
"Okay," Jaime says smiling. He's scared of Raven, of course, but not as much as the others. She's nicer to him because he's young; not to mention, she knows he can get her back better than the others.
"Jean and Amanda will be the red guard. Tabby and Danielle will be the blue guard," Lightning announces.
"Are you serious?" Jean says. "I am not standing on my head…"
"Fine! I'll play the bottom part," Amanda shouts, mostly to shut Jean up.
"Any more objections?" Raven growls.
"No," the four girls say with a whine. Scott shivers and counts to ten again.
"Good! Moving on!" the blue teenager growls. "Blob, you will be the left door knocker, the deaf one, and Ray, you will be the right door knocker, the mute one."
The boys both nod because they can see how upset Raven is already.
Lightning just smiles at his girlfriend and says, "Magneto, you will be the Wiseman, and Pietro will be the Hat."
"Thewhat?" Pietro says. "I'mgoing tobe thebird?"
"Yes, you are," snaps Raven. "Now, shut up so I can finish up the casting! Evan, Mastermind, Mesmero, and Calisto will be the first four goblins with speaking parts."
These four know better than to speak up.
Lightning goes on, "Lance, in addition to helping Piotr with Ludo, you will also be the goblin who lives under the rock."
Lance's only answer is a very stubborn glare.
Raven can tell there will be issues after casting. She looks at her boyfriend, "Why didn't I bring Apocalypse?"
"Because he's not in this play?"
She sighs. "I should have created a part for him. He absolutely refuses to work on any play he's not in." She sighs again. "Okay, Sabretooth, you will be the goblin who drives the giant."
He nods sadly. "More adamantium-lined contracts?"
Lightning grins, "Yup. You guys are willing to sign anything in your sleep. Sam, you will play the cannonball."
The New Recruits laugh heartily. Sam tries not to blush at the attention, but fails.
Raven rolls her yellow eyes and tosses her bright red hair out of her face. "Viper, Gauntlet, Omega Red, Boliver Trask, and Guy Spears will be playing the goblins on horses."
X23 glares at Raven. "Why did you cast them at all?"
Raven grins at her. "I just want to see them get trampled."
X23 and Logan laugh. "Okay, then," Laura says.
The five not-so-nice cast members look angry and just a little scared.
Lightning states, "and for similar reasons, Duncan, Webber, Principal Kelly, and Alex will be playing the goblins with poking sticks."
"The poking creatures will be Forge's Incredible Animatronic Robots, naturally," Raven responds.
"Naturally," he agrees.
"Wait," Alex cries out. "Why do you want to see me get trampled? I've never done anything to you!"
"Oh, we just needed a fourth goblin," Raven says. "Next, we have the Cleaners, played by Cybelle, Torpid, and Lucid."
"Of course she would cast us Morlocks to play sewer-dwellers," Lucid mutters.
Lightning speaks up before Raven can respond, "Taryn will be the fairy."
"That's it?" Taryn says. "I get to play a fairy?"
"That's it," Raven says – nodding.
"She's neveh seen this movie before, has she?" Rogue asks.
"Nope," Jean answers.
Both of the mutant girls smile evilly.
"Should I be scared?" Taryn asks.
"Very," Raven agrees. "Now, the False Alarms will be played by X23, Angel, Nick Fury, Storm, Caliban, Logan, and Hank."
Logan shrugs, "It's better than a chicken suit." (1)
Hank quickly nods his agreement.
"And Bobby, you will be the worm," Lightning says.
"Aw, man! I was hoping I'd lucked out on this one."
"Well, too bad," Raven says rather cheerfully, which scares the cast and crew decidedly.
"And that about raps it up," Lighting says. He starts putting his clipboard up.
"Wait a minute! Who plays Toby?" Rogue asks.
"Toby?" Lighting says – scratching his head as if he doesn't know who she's talking about.
"Yeah, ya know Toby, the toddleh the whole movie revolves around?" Rogue snaps.
"We had a few problems casting Toby," Raven says. "You see, at first we wanted to shrink Evan and put him in diapers, but…"
"Then we thought about it," Lightning goes on.
"And we decided that it would just not give you much of a motive to finish the Labyrinth," Raven says.
"Then, we thought Kurt would give you motivation!" Lightning says. Kurt looks horrified.
"But I thought there is no one else to play Sir Didymus," Raven whines. Kurt looks greatly relieved.
"Soo…" Lightning says.
"We cast David Haller as Toby," Raven whispers.
"WHAT?" Rogue says.
Raven and Lightning shrug. "We had to cast somebody, and he's Xavier and Gabrielle's son…"
"Oh, good grief!" Rogue says.
"You're upset?" Lucas says. "I'm the one they're insisting on putting in a stripped jumper!"
"What's my motivation ta find him again?" Rogue asks.
"Not him, David," Raven and Lightning say in unison.
Scott tries counting to ten again, but he only gets to five before he starts screaming bloody murder.
Jean tries to calm him down, but he is beyond comforting. Sabretooth snaps a rude remark to Logan, who shoots out his claws and attacks. X23 joins in the fight for fun. Pyro is running in circles around Wanda because Remy is chasing him. Rogue and Lucas are fighting. Pietro is whining about being a bird hat, but no one is listening to him. So, he decides to give everyone makeovers. Needless to say, no one is happy about that. Lance knocks him down with a tremor that nearly collapses the building. Kitty turns on him. Then, Lance and Piotr start fighting over Kitty again. Toad is hopping up and down on Pietro's back while Tabby stuffs timebombs down his pants. Amara, Amanda, Taryn, and Jubilee are hiding under a table because Pietro used Storm's makeup for the makeovers, and she's a little pissed off.
Gabrielle grabs Lucas by the ear right as the rain starts pouring down and ruining the set.
The chaos has returned.
Raven puts her head in her hand. Lightning whispers in her ear, and she shrugs. He looks mad, but grabs her and they leave.
And we shall leave as well.
AN: (1) This is a reference to Remy Hood, one of my most popular parodies.
I have a little free time over the next two weeks. I may get a few chapters up. I may get just this one. I do not know, but I am looking forward to this one. It's been a long time coming. I tried very hard to typecast the main parts, which is why there are a few big characters who have little parts. I had a hard time choosing between Logan and Scott for Hoggle, but Scooterdinck won out. (Oh, and THAT is a reference to a parody called The Rogue Bride, which was a collaboration with she-who-keeps-changing-her-name.) Well, anyway, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do!