I captured my first runaway spirit yesterday and it feels so good to know that even I, the dunce of my class can finally be useful. It's such a great honour to be in the runaway spirit that's so hard to get into and work as Kami-sama's partner. I'm just a demon who was stuck on cleaning duties for 300 years and it still seems unreal. Even though Kami-sama didn't want to get into this contract, I think he did really well. Of course, I think I did quite well too, assisting with making and putting up the banners, flags and advertisement balloons although I feel that Kami-sama thinks otherwise. Anyway, I'm delivering my runaway spirit to Hell in person because Dokuro Skull said that all the paperwork was ready for me to live with Kami-sama and I had to collect them and be briefed on the rules in the human world. Coming to Hell also gives me a excuse to go fishing in the River Styx so that I can one day, cook for him and prove that I'm not totally useless, I excel in cooking and cleaning after all. I finally got to Dokuro's office so I knocked on the door and went in.
"Elsie, did you get me the Billy Blanks DVD that I asked for?" he asked right off the bat.
"Ah, I'm so sorry but I completely forgot!" I apologised frantically.
"Well, it's not like I didn't expect that to happen." he sighed, "Right, back to business!" he then snapped.
I stood to attention.
"I've got the paperwork sorted so you'll be enrolling into the same class as your buddy starting from tomorrow as his sister, you got that?" he looked at me straight in the eye.
"Yes!" I shouted loudly causing Dokuro to wince, I wonder if he's starting to regret having me in the runaway spirit squad.
He sighed, producing an envelope from a drawer and gave it to me.
"When you see your buddy's mother, introduce yourself as her husband's illegitimate daughter and give her that letter." Chief Dokuro told me, "It should help you become part of the family."
Although I was not too sure what illegitimate meant, it must be alright if I can become part of the family. After that, he briefed me on human etiquette, stuff I shouldn't do in the human world and gave me the school uniform.
"I'll do my best!" I exclaimed and I think he looked at me with exasperation but I guess that's to be expected.
After all, I was only a janitor until recently and a rather dumb one at that. Still, I left with high spirits and I flew to the River Styx (which is a saltwater river... however that works since I didn't understand the geography lessons) with my handmade fishing rod. There's so much fish there that it doesn't matter how well the rod has been made. Being able to fly is so convenient and I got there quickly. After fishing for just forty minutes, I had plenty of fish and had picked up a few clams, mussels and riverweed from the river bank. Since I had time, I went to my friend's house to check up on her mum since my friend also works in the spirit capture squad now. We ended up talking much about cooking and little else. She gave me lots of food for living in the human world like: eggs, sugar, lettuce, cheese and pretty much everything that she had extra of. Gosh, she's so kind! I left and realised that it was almost morning in the human world so I took off. Get ready, you evil spirits!
I hate reality. Now that that's been clarified, I think I don't need to tell you how much I loathe the current situation. Although there may be many people who wish for a fantasy situation, I am definitely not one of them. Especially if it reeks of the flaws of reality. If I was able to choose, I'd rather dive into the 2D world myself and never return to the stupid reality which has effectively separated my beloved heroines from me with a mere screen. A screen that I could not break lest I could be truly separated from her utterly and forever. After that cursed week, I thought that that was the end and good riddance to that idiot of a demon but she's transferred into my class as my so-called 'sister', torn my family apart and bitten my finger. In short, causing me grief everywhere I go. I know being bitten on the finger doesn't seem like a big deal but it's bloody painful and now I can't press the L button without wincing each time. It slows down my gaming intolerably. It seems that mum's cooking, I think I can smell something coming from downstairs. Well, that means I don't need to worry and I can play my games in peace. I just hope this is not one of those 'calm before a storm' moments.
Since mum has gone to speak with someone called a 'lawyer' or something, I've decided to take the initiative and cook my first meal for Kami-sama. It seems that there are some humans in the human world who are quite scary too but maybe, that's actually normal. But it seemed that even Kami-sama was rather taken aback by mum's ruthlessness... oh well, what I need to do now is concentrate on cooking.
I cut the elathosquid into lots of thin strands and put them in water to boil with the shryuu and wait for the squid strands to go yellow.
Then I've got to bake the clams and mussels with the urigoan cheese until they start popping open.
After that, I fry the blithish with the seaweed.
Once I had all of that done, I decided to take a look in all the cupboards in the kitchen because I found that I was missing tomato. There were cutlery, bowls, dishes and utensils and I finally checked the cupboard at the corner of the kitchen and I found it was a cold food cupboard. I found some things familiar and others completely alien to me but I couldn't find anything that looked remotely like tomato so I decided to try everything. After all, I could put it all back to its original form with my hagoromo and if you think that its unhygienic, don't worry because I take every measure that nothing is contaminated. I feel so proud being able to use complicated words like that. Anyway, I found something called 'baked beans' and it tasted like it was going to be a good fit into my recipe and I used it to replace the tomato.
Okay then, now I'm supposed to finish it off by stir frying it all together until a little after a burst of red flame comes. I think it was something like if it explodes, then I've overcooked it... I better not because Kami-sama probably won't be too happy.
Why did I not see this coming? Why was I so careless to not think that she had more tricks up her sleeve? As of now, I found myself bound to the chair with her hagoromo while she went into the kitchen to get something. I'm assuming it's my ticket to Hell.
"What the Hell have you tied me up for? Dammit, I know this development. I bet you're going to serve me some horrible and utterly inedible food. Is it pasta, or maybe curry? Oi! What..." I trailed off as she brought out a dish which contained something that I absolutely did not want to see.
"Wow, you're definitely worthy of being a God." the bugged demon shoved the plate onto the tabletop, "Tada! Pescatore Styx!" she said with a flourish.
I was horrified to see that whatever it was, it looked far worse than the stuff in the standard 'disgusting food' menu.
"You know, I caught the fish fresh from the River Styx this morning and they're twice as tasty as the fish from this world... at least that what my friends have told me."
"I don't care what your friends have said, this thing looks fifty thousand times worse. Unbind me now!"
"I put all my heart into this to prove that I'm not useless," she said passionately, "please try it."
I'm sorry but you've already proved tha... what? I became alarmed as the hagoromo forced my mouth open and tilted my head back. She definitely wasn't going to give me any chances. I squirmed around but it was as fruitless as my dream to break away from the chains of reality. Dammit, why does my life end in the hands of reality's latest form of torture. I felt the stuff slide into my mouth and... actually, to say that I was surprised was an understatement. Yes, the texture of the food was somewhat doubtful (slithery with grains of what must be sand), but I have to say that the taste was extraordinarily good. Actually, it was a bit too slippery and most of it practically went straight down my gullet. And sure, I didn't choke but the chest pain afterwards was bordering unbearable.
"You bugged demon!" I shouted as the hagoromo finally loosened from around my body, "What did I do to you to deserve this sort of treatment?"
Although the hagoromo had loosened, it wasn't sufficient enough for me to escape and run for a glass of water. Besides, the demon was in the way.
"Uuu~, but you seemed like you wouldn't eat it unless I forced you to." she said unhappily. Her voice immediately changed, becoming hopeful; "But it was good right?"
As much as I wanted to say that her cooking skills were absolutely hopeless and she wouldn't be able to achieve even a barely edible standard. The fact to the matter was, it was simply delic... no, it was just good. If she hadn't poured it into my mouth like that, it would've taken eons to eat and the texture wasn't appetising at all.
"It's good, but it was also horrible." I said.
Truth be told, I was incredibly nervous when I served that to Kami-nii-sama. I think I kept making mistakes and I'm glad that my hagoromo didn't tie him up so tight that it broke his bones. that would be terrible. I feel so happy that he's sort of praised me for the first time though I do feel a little anxious about the food. I had no idea whether it was going to work out with the 'baked beans' thing and the flame had whooshed up in a yellow colour. I didn't know whether there was going to be anything else that would be unpredictable like getting overcooked too early so I took it off the fire straight away. I hope it isn't going to cause any trouble...
I am NOT going to eat anymore of her stuff. It looks disgusting and barely cooked, goes down your throat much too eagerly and what's more, it has side effects. In this instance, diarrhoea.
"Argh! My stomach hurts so much! It must have been that terrible pasta from before. How many more things are you willing to destroy before you're happy?" I screamed at her from inside the toilet.
From outside, I could hear the muffled calls of 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!' and I didn't understand why she just wouldn't do anything right even though she would have to apologise so much a in the end. When you give airheads any amount of power, they will always exploit it in some way to create magnitudinal trouble and she cannot be compared to anyone. I mean, who's heard of a broom that can blow a building straight into oblivion with a single sweep? I guess no-one. Argh God, this is so crap. I sure as heck hope that she won't make anymore mess tonight.
I may have jinxed myself rather too badly. I can't believe this has happened but if my eyes aren't deceiving me, I think that that is my PFP soaking wet dangling in front of me as if mocking this turn in my life after I'd made the mistake of simply clicking the 'reply' button.
"You washed it with water?" I asked hollowly still not entirely to grips with everything.
"Not only that, I also used soap!" Elsie replied happily, passing me the dead console and probably ruined game inside.
I looked in disbelief as it slipped straight out of my hands and landed hard on the floor, cracking the screen. As everything reluctantly pieced itself together in my head, disbelief turned into white hot fury which threatened me to attack the girl standing in front of me who still hadn't processed the fact that she'd done anything wrong and was still smiling. I took a deep breath.
"On second thoughts, I'm never going to accept you as my little sister so GET OUT!"
Typically, mum arrived home at that time... through the broken wall.
"Keima, what the heck has happened? Part of the neighbourhood is in ruins!" I heard her shout.
I glared at Elsie who was rather shocked, shoved the PFP into my pocket and walked out to greet my mum lest she leashes her full anger upon me. That was the thought I had before I saw her looking at something in the kitchen skeptically. I immediately deducted as to what it was as I saw her raise a fork of spaghetti to her mouth.
"Don't eat it!" I shouted, pouncing towards the fork and tried to snatch it from her hand...
Which resulted in terrible consequences as I felt something slither down my throat for the second time that night.
I repeat, I will never eat food from Hell again.