Oh Hades- Wait, That's My Dad
Pairing: Connor/Nico/Travis (Yes, you people read that right.) And some Luke/Percy~!
Disclaimer: I have not and never will own the Percy Jackson series. After you read this shtick, you will understand exactlywhy. =)
Warning: OOCness (ugh, I can never get them IC, huh? I'm a crappy writer…), poor attempt at humor, weirdness, a threesome pairing (just 'cause it's a threesome thing, doesn't mean there's gonna be a lemon! There isn't! Deal with it.), some profanity, some sexual innuendo (?), and Spongebob. 'Nuff said.
Note: Yeah, well…this is what came into being after I wrote the 6th chapter of Little Ocean, Smallest Sea! I do not know why, but this crack pairing amuses me. Greatly. =D And since the majority of people think so, too, consider this a present! Because you awesome darling reviewers deserve it. XD And to the people who doesn't like this- wait, No! Don't shoot me again- *shot*
It was cold.
Though, that really wasn't anything new, for the Underworld was and will forever be a cold and lonely place to be.
Hades observed his domain from his throne, listening to the screams of the damned as they were tortured by the cackling Furies, smelling the musky smell of Cerberus's fur from afar, and feeling the chill in the air that came with his realm. A horrible, depressing place, no? The God of darkness and shadows had always and still envied both his brothers' lot in life, their homes warm and bright, and resented that he, in a bad twist of fate and luck, was stuck downstairs in a dump of a place where the dead walked and wailed, where his beautiful wife still has a grudge against his former human lover, and also where he didn't need sunscreen, because, face it, there is no sunlight in Hell. Horrendously lovely.
But deal with it as he must, for he was forever chained to the place, and he was going to live the immortal life he wanted, regardless of the flower-turning-objects Persephone and her wheat-crazy mother. And the fact that he was never going to get a tan. Yes. The life.
Today, though, marked the beginning of Summer, so that meant his wife was still in the world above, enjoying her daily dose of sunshine. As much as it disgruntled him that she had the privilege to go upstairs, he was glad she was gone, for her nagging was getting quite irritating…but he missed her nonetheless. He was rather lonely.
And as if his dear (sarcasm heavily coated) brother Zeus heard his loneliness vibes, Nico, his son, appeared.
Now, it sometimes- okay, scratch that- always seem that Hades never seem to love or show anything tender towards his child, but in truth, Hades adored Nico. The boy in mention was his and his late mortal wife's lovechild for crying out loud! With her, he felt such passion, love, and pure, unadulterated happiness. And in honor of her memory, he will care and love his son…behind a façade of seemingly uncaring coldness, of course. After all, he is the God of the Underworld, and if he showed signs of softness, the other gods/goddesses would take advantage of him. Like hell he'll let that happen. So no matter how much he wanted to praise the boy on his accomplishments and embrace him, he'll have to keep his distance, to act as if his heart was stony, all in the name of his image.
Back to the story at hand, Hades sat and watched as his child appeared from some nearby shadows and began walking up to him, an unsure expression on the young, pale face.
"Lord Hades…?" Nico ventured cautiously, dark brown eyes meeting Hades' own black.
Hades felt a pang go through his heart at the caution his son put into his words, as if the boy was afraid that he would be killed or something or other… Not like he shouldn't think so, of course. Hades was at fault for acting too standoffish, but still, the cold front must hold.
So instead of flinging his arms about and jovially asking what his son wanted like any other caring, happy father, Hades instead grunted in acknowledgement at Nico's greeting.
Nico's face loosened a bit, though he still looked a little anxious, Hades mentally noted, inwardly worried, though, of course, he didn't show it.
His son sighed, as if in resignation. "Sir…I…I have to tell you something."
Hades' curiosity was further piqued. What did his child want to tell him? That he wanted more family time? That he found his father's personality offensively revolting? That he wanted to eat Underworld food so he could stay forever (wishful thinking on Hades part)? What was it?
Hades grunted again for Nico to go on.
Nico bit his lip. "Well…"
Hades was getting impatient. What did Nico want? A new sword? More stories about his dead mother? Persephone's flowers? No, wait; the boy detested her and the plants. Pity, the flowers looked nice…
"What is it?" Hades asked-well, more like thundered. Seeing Nico flinched in surprise, Hades felt guilty, but he couldn't help it! His godly voice was that loud!
Nico swallowed before blurting out in a rush, "I'mgaysoyoucan''causeI'mwithaguy, welltwoguysbutstill!"
"Repeat that," the God of Death demanded, fixing a stern (He really did try for a gentler look, but it was such a challenge to rearrange his face from the harsh look he naturally had) glare on the boy.
Nico looked uncomfortable. He fidgeted, looking down at his torn sneakers.
"Well?" Hades prompted, leaning slightly out of his throne.
At that word, Nico squared his shoulders and looked the god in the eyes. "I'm gay."
Hades blinked once again. "You're…" the god tried to find words, "…gay?"
The pale boy bit his lip and nodded hesitantly. "Yes…?"
"…" Hades was at a loss. What in the world could he say after his son told him that he was gay not just 10 seconds ago?
Nico fidgeted skittishly under Hades' disbelieving stare. "Well…that's what I wanted to tell you," his son mumbled. "Because I've been, er, well, you could say that I've been…dating…this person…well, persons, 'cause they're er…well, they're nice, and I suppose that's what counts, so-"
"…!" Hades opened his mouth and closed it in shock at the words 'dating…this person'; not registering his son's last bit of information at all. His son was in a gay relationship with another person? Another boy. For Apollo's sake, where in the world did he go wrong in raising his son?
'Everything,' Hades decided depressingly, 'I didn't even bother to try to raise him or his sister, and now look what happens! My son is gay and is dating another male!' A horrible, albeit insane thought crossed the shadowy god's mind. 'Oh Gods, what if Nico's only in a relationship because his partner raped him? And that Nico was asking for my blessing, because he was pregnant?' As everyone can see (if they were there and could read the god's thoughts, of course) would've thought that, even though Hades was acting like a tenderhearted, overprotective father, he was a crazy overprotective father with idiotic assumptions.
Nico then unfortunately chose that moment to gasp in pain and fall to the floor on his knees, clutching his stomach.
Clearly not thinking straight, Hades took that action as a sign that yes, his son was indeed pregnant.
"BY OURANOS' GUTS!" Hades yelled, springing to his feet, his royal robes fluttering about as the souls sewn into the cloth wailed. "Who did this to you?"
Nico blinked multiple times blearily. "What?" The boy croaked, flinching as another flash of pain erupted over his abdomen.
Hades hissed angrily, "The bastard that made you like this! Who is it?"
"What are you talking about?" Nico groaned, rolling onto his back. "It…hurts…ugh…"
'He's clearly delirious,' Hades thought wildly, crouching a little over his twitching son. 'He has a severe case of Stockholm's, so even in pain, he's willing to protect his rapist's identity.'
It was as if a dam that contained Hade's hidden, reluctant, fatherly feelings erupted and more insane ideas rushed through the god in mention's mind. The immortal was irrevocably asinine at this memorable moment.
'If Nico's not willing to tell the male's name, I'll have to figure it out…' Hades finally figured out. 'It has to be someone close to him…whose older…whose friendly on the outside, yet conniving in the inside-'
Hades' eyes widen.
"PERSEUS JACKSON!" Hades practically roared, standing up with a snarl on his pale, death-like face. "You will die for getting my son pregnant!" And with that last declaration, the God of the Underworld disappeared in a flash of shadows and flames.
Approximately 5 minutes later, Nico sat up, grimacing as the last feelings of stomach spasms passed. "That's the last time I ever, ever, try Annabeth's baking…Erg. Dad probably thinks I'm more of a freak now…"
And then the situation of his father's last words dawned on him.
"Wait…Dad thinks I'm pregnant?" Nico said incredulously, face twisted in that of disgusted shock. "Oh Gods, that's not right, I'm a boy! And I'm not dating Percy!" His eyes widened. "Holy cr- PERCY!"
Percy was having the time of his life. Why? He was taking a break from being the Camp director for a day, and was home alone, clad only in a baggy, gray T-shirt and Spongebob Squarepants boxers, while his mother was out on a date with Paul Blofis. He was also having an undersea cartoons marathon, watching cartoons and movies from Finding Nemo, to Shark Tale, and even though he missed his boyfriend, Luke, the TV was proving for the day that it can hold Percy Jackson's attention longer than 3 minutes. Yeah, the wonderful life.
Percy took a sip of cherry coca-cola as he watched The Little Mermaid, lounging lazily on the couch in his living room.
"Kiss the girl~"
"This song is annoying," the son of Poseidon muttered, but he didn't bother to fast forward the part. "Kiss her already, you idiot. Or she'll think you're gay!"
What was Percy talking about? Well, the teen was at the part where Eric and the voiceless mermaid, Ariel, were on a joy-boat ride, complete with fishes and other types of birdies singing the famous song, 'Kiss the Girl'. Percy was clearly having a wonderful time with the movie.
"Even the birds are telling you to kiss her! And they're like parrots." A pout-like scowl.
"Hmmph. If I was Ariel and Luke Eric, he woulda raped me." A Cheeto was crunched on.
"Ooh yeah~ Kiss the girl…~"
Ariel and Eric were leaning in…
Percy stared, eyes glued to the screen. "Those slimy eels are getting close, so hurry up!"
Closer the two cartoon characters leaned…
Ursula's minions were 2 millimeters away from the boat, about to shove it over…
And then Percy gave a (manly) shriek, flailing wildly on the couch as his living room was split in half.
Say the name and the devil shall appear, the legend say, and Hades, not wanting to fail the saying, appeared from the split in Percy's living room, coming onto the carpet and leaving ashy wheel tracks, complete with Helm of Darkness, key in blade (-coughSora'skeybladecough-), and a Chariot pulled by Mrs. O'Leary, the lovable hellhound. A scary sight, indeed.
Percy's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. "Uncle?"
Hades' glare was so threateningly scorching, that Percy felt like he was melting…well, considering that Hades was in fact, a god, it could've been possible.
"I mean- Lord Hades!"
Hades opened his mouth to say something, when a splashing noise was heard. Both inhabitants in the destroyed apartment room swiveled their heads towards the TV.
Ursula's evil eels have finally successfully upturned Ariel and Eric's boat.
"…" Hades gave a disgusted look.
Percy paled. "It's not what you think it is! Honest! 'The Little Mermaid' just came on TV as I was flipping channels and-"
With a creaky croak, Sally Jackson's DVD player that was purchased from Wal-Mart by a Mister Paul Blofis died, and in its death throes, spat out the disc.
'The Little Mermaid' DVD-not-Blu-Ray rolled in a small circumference before stopping and flopping to the side.
"…" Percy found he didn't know what to say. Then, finally mustering up some courage, the boy asked meekly, "Erm…why are you here, Lord Hades? Did you want…the DVD by any chance…?"
The god made a disgusted noise. "Idiot child. I have no time to indulge in children's useless cartoons. What I'm here for is…" The god swung up his sword, the point…well…pointing at Percy's exposed throat. "You bastard," Hades seethed darkly. "How dare you…!"
"What the Hell?" Percy yelped. "Why did you call me a 'bastard' for? What did I do? I didn't do anything! I swear!"
"Lies!" The God of the Underworld practically screeched, bringing the sword closer to fulfill Percy's doom. "Lies, all of it! You know what you did! Don't try to deny it!"
Percy squeaked, closing his eyes tightly. "I'm sorry!" He blubbered, scared out of his wits, 'cause seriously, who wouldn't be afraid of a 7-8 foot tall person wielding a chainsaw-length key in a blade? "I didn't mean to!"
"Ah-HA!" Hades laughed triumphantly. "So you are admitting it!"
Mrs. O'Leary barked as if in agreement.
"Yes! I admit!" Percy confessed, in almost a sob. "I stole my boyfriend's skittles! I stole Luke's skittles!"
"So you did take my son's vir-" Hades stopped short. Whoa, wait, what?
"They were tempting me!" Percy blabbered on, too freaked out to realize what he was saying exactly. The ripped up living room didn't help the environment at all. "They're skittles! They delicious, I mean, who doesn't want to taste the rainbow? And they were just sitting there in Luke's lap! It was the perfect shot to steal 'em, and I did! I wasn't trying to hurt anyone; I just had to eat the candy! Is it some kind of ancient Olympian crime to steal your boyfriend's skittles? So if you want to steal them back or whatever, go to the city waterworks! Those candy aren't in my stomach now, that's for sure-"
"BE QUIET!" Hades shouted, thus shushing up an opened-eyed Percy.
Hades narrowed his eyes. "Who's your boyfriend…?"
Percy swallowed. "Luke…?" He said nervously, watching the sword's movement.
Hades deflated, almost invisible color flushing upon his cheeks. "So you didn't get Nico pregnant…"
Percy gaped. "What? I didn't take—Dude (Hades bristled visibly at the modern-day title)! I- he- no. Just no. That's…" Percy made a revolted face. "NO. I didn't get your son pregnant! I'm dating Luke. Nico? Well…didn't you hear?"
A dark scowl was shot Percy's way. "No, I obviously did not hear," Hades grouched, "What about my son, you stupid child?"
Percy frowned at the word 'stupid' that was on his label, but complied with Hades' question. "Nico's dating the Stolls. The twins. He's dating both the guys." Percy made a face. "Now that I'm thinking about it, that's a strange relationship, but what am I saying? Luke's a total weirdo…"
Hades didn't hear the rest of Percy's mumbling, he was in too much of a shock to even listen any further than the part where his son was dating the Stolls. Both of them. At the same time.
The god felt like dying, but since he was immortal and all that jazz, that just wasn't possible.
'Dear Gaia's sake…' Hades thought despairingly. 'This is worse than I thought…I truly did destroy my child's childhood…' And then his previous anger returned.
"SO THEY WERE THE ONES THAT MADE NICO PREGNANT! THEY WILL DIE!"
With yet another extremely loud declaration, Hades than made a quick exit by mush-ing Mrs. O'Leary out Percy's destroyed door.
Then Percy noticed the pure destruction of the apartment, and felt the blood drain away from his face. His mom would kill him.
Leaping from the tattered couch, Percy ran to the door, screaming, "Uncle! The living room! My apartment!"
Before the raven could step a foot outside the broken doorway, a familiar blonde figure block his way.
"Hey Perce," Luke greeted, waving a grocery bag filled with candy and other items. "Do you know what Hades was doing here-"
The son of Hermes felt the words get stuck in his throat as he took in his younger partner's outfit. Mischievous blue eyes twinkled as they took in the Spongebob boxers.
"Nice…" Came the purr, and Percy felt his face turning red.
"Do you think this one's alright?"
Connor frowned. "Really Travis," the twin said, voice sarcastic. "Even though Ni's like, totally gay for the two of us hunks, I don't think he's that gay to consider pink shoelaces."
Travis frowned. "But I like pink…"
"Dude! This isn't about what you like!" Connor said exasperatedly. "We're doing this for Nico. Look, I don't want to share him with you that much either, but hey, if you don't want him, I'll gladly take-"
"Not a chance!" Travis snarled, flinging the shoelaces to the side to jab his twin's chest area. "Like Hell I'm willing to give up on him! You dick, I love the little guy! Like this-" Travis held his arms far apart to show the length. "-much that I love him. Except, my love would be extremely longer. Duh."
Connor rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay, fine. We both love him. Better? Now find a greater pair of shoelaces for us and Ni!"
Where were the sons of Hermes? Wal-Mart. Why? Connor and Travis both hold strong feelings for their shorter companion, that after they finally got rid of their last potential suitor for Nico's hand (that guy was from the Apollo cabin. And he wasn't hitting on Nico! All he did was ask for the time and already the Stolls were attacking him. The twins were clearly a little too obsessive with the shorter boy.), they were getting tired of declaring, "Back off, biyatch. This one's ours," over and over, so decided to buy matching shoelaces to show that yes, Nico di Angelo was the Stoll boys' adorable boyfriend. Yeah.
"What about these?" Travis said excitedly, holding up another pair of laces for shoes.
Connor made another disgusted face. "Bunny print? You are seriously too gay. You're going to scare the kid off! Not that I'm complaining but…"
Travis scowled. "Shut up, you prick. You're just jealous that he likes me more than you!"
"How so?" Connor challenged. "You have nothing to compare against me."
"Do too!" Travis declared, throwing the shoelaces at his brother. "He likes my face. Dur!"
"We have the same face, you geek!"
Travis's next words were interrupted as a sudden explosion at the entranceway of Wal-Mart was heard.
"What the heck was that?"
Connor shrugged. "How should I know? What am I, physic?"
And then Hades came into view. The god immediately saw them.
"You two!" Hades screamed, eyes blazing in fury, his black hair whipping back from the force of Mrs. O'Leary's movement.
Connor's eyes widen, "Oh shit-"
Travis gaped in horror. "What—that's Nico's dad! Oh crap, he looks like he wants to kill us!"
"Does the very sharp sword in his grasp not tell you that?" Connor yelled.
The twins gave each other a look.
"Run," they both said.
Ditching the shoelaces, the brothers tried to run in the opposite direction, but a wall of black fire erupted from all sides, boxing them in.
"Oh shit," Travis muttered.
"We're fucked," Connor agreed.
They turned, and a few seconds later, the wall of fire in front of them dispersed, and Hades rode up to them. The god walked off the chariot, angry eyes never leaving the twins' own nervous ones.
"Er…hi Mister Hades, sir!" Travis chirped, breaking the tense silence. "What can we, erm, do for you today?"
Hades glared at the fake-enthusiastic twin. "You can start by killing yourselves," the God of the Underworld said acidly. "Slowly."
Connor stared in horror. "What? Why?"
"You know why," Hades hissed, drawing his sword and bringing the dark blade up. "Do not lie to me, you accursed monsters…"
"What? What?" The brothers both asked, eyes growing bigger at the moving blade coming their way.
"Whoa!" Travis yelped, narrowly getting diced by the blade. "Easy with the toothpick! And we didn't do anything!"
"You took my son's innocence, you disgusting scum!" Hades exploded, lifting his blade before bringing it down.
"Wait—WHAT?" The teens exclaimed, but the exclamation was heard upon deaf ears as Hades' sword continued towards their craniums.
Sword met sword in a shower of sparks.
"Father! No!" A familiar voice shouted.
Connor and Travis's eyes cracked open, and they both grinned. "Nico!"
The boy in mention scowled. "Shut up. You two are idiots, seriously, I can't believe how I fell for-"
"Nico!" Hades snarled lowly, eyes dark. "What is the meaning of this?"
Nico flinched, but he stood his ground. "I… You can't kill them-"
"Can't kill them?" Hades asked incredulously. "Do you not know why I'm doing this?" Hades glared witheringly and pointed an accusing finger at the frozen twins. "Those bastards took your innocence, and now you're pregnant. And yet you still protect them? I cannot allow such crimes to hurt my son!" The last part came out in a roar and the god raised his sword once again.
Nico stared at him in bewilderment. "S-son?" The boy stuttered, clearly having never heard his father call him son. But then the main situation caught his attention again. "No! Dad, no! I'm not pregnant!"
Hades paused. "…You're…not?" He actually looked genuinely slightly disbelieving.
Nico gave him a revolted look. "I'm a boy, father. Last time I checked, males cannot get pregnant. Well…mortal ones, anyway."
"Wait, wait, just a freaking minute," Travis interjected, getting over his fear and shock. He glared at Hades in such a way, it actually brought shivers up the god's spine. "You came after us with a freaking hellhound, wall of fire, and swinging sword because you thought we raped Nico, and now he's pregnant?"
"We would never do that to him," Connor said lowly, eyes dark in anger. "Yeah, we joke, we steal, but to do that to him? That's just low. You think that we think he's just an easy lay?"
Travis bared his teeth and growled, "Damn not! We love the shorty, and there's nothing you can do about it! We wouldn't willingly hurt him!"
"Guys…" Nico tried sounding stern, but an embarrassed tone crept into his voice, and a pinkish tinge stained his cheeks. "You're both too gay."
Hades looked cornered at the verbal abuse from the twins. "But…" The god said weakly, anger slowly diminishing. "Nico, what about that…painful incident back in the Underworld…?"
Nico sighed, lips pursed. "Let's just say that Annabeth Chase can't make pound cake the right way for it to be edible…"
The silence was deafening…
"Ak~Waard," Travis said, laughing a bit to break the quietness.
"Quite…" Hades muttered, looking thoroughly embarrassed and exhausted, for 'cause really, who wouldn't be exhausted when one's restrained fatherly feelings finally blew up in your face and you go on a rampage to try and kill your son's boyfriends for never-existing-in-the-first-place rape?
"Nico…" Hades said, looking at his son. "I…apologize for the trouble."
The boy shrugged lightly. "It's okay…dad."
The two smiled slightly at the strange, yet slightly comfortable tenderness.
"You are dating those two…ruffians, are you not, child?" Hades asked over his shoulder as he walked back to his (spiffy) chariot.
Nico inclined his head. "Yes…"
"Hmm…" Hades suddenly glared at the twins. "If you two ever try anything to harm my son, you…" The threat wasn't finished, but it didn't need to be.
The twins swallowed the lump in their throat as they understood the implications.
Just before Hades made Mrs. O'Leary to drive the chariot, he closed his eyes and said in a low tone, "I cannot believe that I will be saying this, but…" He gave the boys each their own special 'Godly' glare. "In the future…please use…condoms."
Mrs. O'Leary than gave a ginormous bark before leaping forward in the crack that was made, leading to the Underworld, pulling Hades along to go home.
The three demigods watched the whole proceedings with a baffled stare.
"Oh, gods…" Nico muttered.
"Your dad is…weird." Connor muttered, before going over to his younger companion and slinging an arm around a thin shoulder. "Thanks for saving us, babe."
Nico blanched. "What time period are we living in? You're so gay!"
The elder winked. "I think I should be asking you that, Ni…"
Then Travis decided it was time to share the spotlight.
"So…" Travis held up two types of shoelaces. "Bunny or pink?"
Eventually, they chose red shoelaces. =) (Personally, I woulda took the bunny print…)
Dear Lord above, my fingers and mind…are soooo tired….I just finished this, and it's what, FIVE in the freaking MORNING. I'm exhausted!
Well, there ya have it. The first fic featuring a Connor/Nico/Travis pairing! Take that! Oh yeah, who rocks? MEH!
And yeah…I WAS going to add more, but dangit, I'm TIRED. You can't blame a writer! Well…you can…but that's besides the point!
And the whole, Nico part where he's saying it all in a rush is translated to: "I'm gay, so you can't expect any grandchildren from me at all, because I'm with a guy-well, two guys, but still!"
Isn't Nico adorable? =D
The 'grandchildren' part was Ncalkins idea! Thanks, person! XD
Anyone wanna review? =D Don't worry, I don't bite!...That much.