Title: The Reason Harry Thinks Pirates are Gay
Summery: this fic was inspired by me and my man were have a conversation in the car about why I think pirates are gay. I'm sorry in advance if anyone feels their IQ drop while reading this
"Wouldn't it be so cool if we could travel the muggle way to New Zealand or some where else?" Ron asked Harry who was trying to focus on his potions essay.
"Only if we could take a boat I refuse to get on a muggle plane," Harry said without looking up.
"Why? You can't be afraid of heights you fly on a broom all the time," the red head said in disbelief.
"It's not the falling it's the crashing that I have a problem with," the boy who lived assured his friend.
"Harry the chances of you getting hit by lightening are higher then the chance of you being in a plane crash," Ron argued.
"It would be my luck that the one time I decide to get on a plane it would crash," the raven told him finally looking up from his homework. "I'd rather be on a boat."
"Yea but then with your luck the boat would get taken over by pirates," the redhead laughed.
"I would like that though!" Harry admitted. "I'd ask to join or start singing 'You are a Pirate' from that muggle show Lazy Town.
"You would…" Ron deadpanned.
"Hey you know I think pirates are gay?" the savior of the Wizarding World informed.
"WHAT?" Ron shouted in surprise, he didn't know where that had come from.
"Yea, there is no way that many men can be out to sea that long without wanting to get any," Harry said matter-o-factly.
"They kidnap women," the redhead argued, not noticing that they were now getting funny looks from their fellow Gryffindors.
"Not all the time though," Harry pointed out. "They probably enjoy pillaging each other."
"Ugh! That is so wrong! I did not need to hear that!" Ron cried, covering his ears.
"Hey, where do you think the term ass pirate came from?" the raven teen asked seriously.
"God stop! I don't need to know this!" the redhead groaned while Harry was laughing uncontrollably at his best mate's face.
"Then there's the thing about the pickle barrel," Harry said with a nod, as if it proved his point.
"What about a pickle barrel?" Ron asked, unsure if he wanted the answer. Harry looked affronted but settled in to tell the story about the barrel.
"A young man was captured by pirates and was persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing. 'What's that?' asks the captain. 'Well, there are no women; replies the man.
"So the captain tells him about how they screw the pickle barrel when they need reprieve. Desperate the man decided to do it and walked over to the pickle barrel and does as he was instructed. When its over he says it's the best blow job he's had in his life. A few weeks later the captain tells him it's his turn in the barrel and the young man says 'YES!' and runs over to the barrel and drops his pants. 'What are you doing boy?' the captain demands. 'Well you said it was my turn,' the man says confused. 'No,' the captain says. 'Not with the barrel, in the barrel.'"
"That was so wrong Harry," Ron complains. "And how the hell did we even get talking about this?"
"You asked why I wouldn't ride on a plane," Harry replied before going back to his potions essay, leaving a poor Ron to deal with his own confusion.
Several weeks later Harry was thinking about it again and realized that if an airplane was crashing he could just apparate, but decided that it was best not to share this realization with Ron who now had a fear of pirates.