Athrun: Puncher of Black Holes

Hey guys. This is a parody fic, so just have a laugh, and also spot the references if you can. :P Enjoy.


Athrun Zala usually should, in the words of one mangaka who writes about bathroom products, just love his life and make lots and lots of money. The problem was that he was fighting in a war with giant robot suits, his best friend was his remarkably coincidental arch-nemesis, and his fiancée, whom he really didn't love but cared for in his own special way, even if the laws of the world tried to stop that, was a pop icon, and he was also working for the 'bad guys'.

To make matters worse, he didn't see why he should just stand by and let his fiancée, who thanks to anime character design and desire for fanservice, was VERY easy on the eyes, go to the hero thanks to 'romantic drama'. Even though he himself looked a lot like a girl, because girls like to look at men who look like women.

… that was a mouthful. But the story began with the young Athrun in bed one night, after a hard day's work for ZAFT. He had fought Kira again, upstaged Yzak again, and otherwise fulfilled his role as the rival in a Gundam anime. Although he had gotten a strange feeling that Lacus was going to switch sides to be with Kira.

Wasn't helped that he was alone in bed.

After he drifted off to dreamland, young Athrun next found himself in a blank office space with grey tiles on the ceiling and office lights. He looked around to see three men dressed in office suits, holding literal yen in their hands. They eyed Athrun in a look that could only be described as 'money, money, money!' After all, bishonen in giant robots had been making them a shitload of cash since 1995.

"Athrun." The first suit spoke up, "You must break up with Lacus. Even if you care for her a lot more then the bland, stock, bishonen hero does, he LOVES her, so that makes him better then you."

"But what if Lacus doesn't love, or even like him?" replied Athrun, who, to be quite honest, wasn't surprised by the sudden turn of events. Why he was talking to executives though was what really bothered him.

"Then we'll just create another opening with the two naked together! That always sells!" snickered another executive, a skinny type with a rat's grin.

"Oh, how about a sex scene? That always sells!" a fatter executive said in a rather hefty voice. "We can put it on DVDs, and advertise it!"

The first suit, a tall, broad-shouldered man who spoke of 'manly', was the next to speak, "We are not like these Western barbarians!"

Athrun raised an eyebrow, "But you have a Kira and Flay-"

"KIRA AND FLAY IS MY ONE TRUE PAIRING!" cried the second executive, tears streaming down his eyes. "Besides, speaking of Kira, we have the next big Gundam hero in our hands!"

Said executive withdrew a few papers from the nearby desk, showing a young man, who looked the same as the rest of the cast, with a scowl on his face and the name 'Shinn Asuka' printed on the left. "He's ruthless, uncaring, and completely heroic! In fact, nobody, not even Amuro Ray or Judau Ashta, can compare to his acts! Which include killing innocents to save his only friend!"

"Doesn't that barely make him an anti-hero, then?" quizzed Athrun.

"He's a truly heroic person!" said the executive rather defensively. He was then shut up when the manly executive punched him, sending him flying through the ceiling. Athrun stared, rather confused by what had just happened: perhaps Lacus's songs had an intoxicating effect on him if he were dreaming like this. Or he was smoking something BAD, even though he never smoked.

"… but on the main subject, I won't break up with Lacus. Simply because I feel I can give her a better life then Kira can."

"All because he weeps and sobs about killing people and the wars?"

"Yes."

Alarmed, the two remaining executives walked in front of Athrun, towering over him, as yen notes began to fly all around them. "Remember the golden rule: break up with Lacus. If you don't, we'll have to resort to drastic measures…."

Suddenly, they disappeared in a big bang explosion, and Athrun woke up. Even as he got ready for another day as a Gundam rival, he still had NO idea what the hell he had just been in.


The next morning (although you could never tell with space), while on a ZAFT mission, Athrun was testing the Aegis's capabilities and otherwise just keeping things in check. It was likely, knowing his luck, that he'd run into Kira again and get into another screaming match. Or at least, he'd end up screaming at the top of his lungs. Such is the plight of having his best friend as a rival.

Just then, the whining grind of mechanical parts was heard, and a warning popped up on his HUD. Athrun's hard green eyes shifted over, but he was unprepared….

Suddenly, his entire world was being sucked into a hole. Surprise and instinct took over Athrun for a second, as the Aegis's visors picked up a gigantic, gaping hole in the realms of outer space. A massive current began to sweep up the Gundam, and Athrun barely retained his center of gravity long enough to grasp at the controls and start pulling away. He yelled out and tried to yank control of his machine, but the gravity pull was just too strong. He couldn't even budge the controls!

As the black hole took hold, he heard the evil laughter coming from the three executives. They appeared in front of his face, the manly man, the rat man, and the fat man, and those detached heads bounced across his eyes. "Athrun, you fool! By refusing to operate to canon, you will die an unceremonious death, through BLACK HOLE!"

"Yes, and you'll be crushed to death by it too! KEHEHEHEHE!"

"It'll be painful too! Shame we had to waste so much money on animation cels for you~"

The gaping hole sucked Athrun further and further inside, and the young man felt a pull on his chest, as if the hole was going to pull his insides out. He wondered for a moment what was worse, being sucked into a black hole or having his insides torn out from him. His fingers grasped tighter on the levers, the muscles in his slender arms worked overtime, but not even that could fight off the black hole's vacuum.

He knew he should have actually trained at the gym. Damn Lacus for wanting a slender pretty boy!

"Grrr, aaarrh!" grunted Athrun, as he tried his best to resist the gravitational pull of the vacuum. It was like trying to pull back a slowly accelerating car with a toy cart: the least you could hope for was to slightly stall its movement. Sweat began to pour down Athrun's brow, sticking to his blue hair and causing the strands to layer on his forehead. He'd need plenty of shampoo to wash that off, or he could use anime clean up time. Whatever worked.

Now in a moment of desperation and getting nowhere, something flicked in Athrun's head. It was suicide, yes, but he had to! Finally, he decided. Since the Aegis was going to get sucked into the black hole and squashed to nothingness anyway, he might as well channel all his might and any remnants of his manliness into one last dynamic attack! He let go of the joystick, and clenched his right fist. His big, beautiful eyes squeezed shut, while his other hand reached for the eject button.

Was this just a foolish move? Or was it a valiant effort? He couldn't make his mind up which one it was as he pressed the button. The hiss of smoke and the whirl of an opening hatch filled his ears, and he tightened up his legs, ready to meet his maker. Literally.

He leaped up out of the Aegis, and into space like a rocket! And yet, there was nothing wrong. No loss of breath. He thought he'd suffocate, but that couldn't do! He felt a single tug at the base of his neck, and from the corner of his eye, he could see his helmet disappear into the black depths. With a single glare at the black hole, Athrun pulled his fist back, still accelerating towards the hole and being pulled into it at the same time. His fist began to glow with a combination of rainbow sparkles and an awesome power. He felt its burning grip told him to defeat this black hole! All his love, anger and sorrow would go into this punch!

"YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL ME OFF AND GIVE KIRA ALL THE GLORY? THINK AGAIN! MY FIST WILL BE HEARD THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE GALAXY!"

With no time to spare, Athrun tightened his fist and with all his spirit, punched the black hole square in the center! Rainbow shockwaves poured out from the impact in a pulsating ripple as a triumphant roar echoed from the hit. The enormous impact roared throughout outer space, and even Kira could hear it while whining about killing people.

A crack later, and the entire black hole had stopped. Another glassy crack echoed through space, as the entire black hole was wrapped in numerous giant cracks. With a large crash, it shattered into pieces, just like glass. As the gravity vacuum collapsed in on itself, the only thing that could be seen was Athrun floating amongst the shards, looking down, glowing with an intense power and his hair flowing even though there is no air in space.

Nobody in ZAFT could say a word. Yzak, who was watching the whole thing with a dropped jaw, was the only one to say anything.

"I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!"

But believe it, he had to. For Athrun Zala, with the sheer force of his manliness underneath script writers trying to kill him off, had shattered a coincidental black hole.

If the Cosmic Era could be that insane, what did that spell for the rest of that era? Plot armor be damned Kira, you better hope you have Coordinator 2 or something up your sleeve.


Much craziness I bet. I decided that these kinds of stories I can write, pure manly parodies. :'D